Interview # 22

Hello, all, today we will be chatting with...

Maximilian Rubair. But I go by a lot of names; most of the ladies know me as papito. *winks*

It's great to have you here. What is the Max behind the door like?

Interesting question, babydoll. I'd have to say it depends behind which door it is. If it's a door belonging to a pretty lady, the you might as well call me Mr. Charming. I don't even have to bring any gifts or anything-my presence is more than enough to please her. *chuckles*

But I'm standing behind the door of one of my enemies....*gaze darkens* then that door won't be standing for long. And neither will him.

Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?

Closed, of course. I rather not have a demon jump out at my while I'm sleeping. *chuckles*

But seriously, that just made me think about something; if I keep all my closets open, that's one less hiding spot for a potential murderer. I'd know right away if someone snuck in if I found one of them close.

My maid would never let that happen though-she says that the clothes gather dust that way. *waves at the camera* Hola Maria!

Do you always smile for pictures?

I prefer not to smile. It's a personal preference, not because my teeth aren't straight, *smiles* because they are.

What is your biggest pet peeve?

I have a lot of pet peeves, but my biggest one is when someone has no table manners. Like speak with their mouth full, elbows on the table, clutches their cutlery like a spear...we didn't evolve from cavemen just to revert back to one. *shakes head* Disgusting.

Some of your masculine fans wants to know: Is it OK for guys to wear pink?

Don't even think about it. I'm no fashion expert, but pink looks best on women.

How often do you read the newspaper? Which paper? Which sections?

Who even reads newspapers these days? *chuckles* Office-workers and retirees. I usually watch the news on TV, and by watching I mean letting it play in the background while I do other things, like cooking-which I hate, might I add. I'm just not interested in what happens in the rest of the world; as long as it doesn't affect me, as in my life, I couldn't care less.

Which animals scare you most? Why?

I'm not scared of any animals, they are scared of me. But I'm really creeped out by birds, namely pigeons. They're rats, but worse because they can fly and shit all over the place. I'm surprised there hasn't been a second bubonic plague thanks to those nasty things.

What's your superpower, or what's your spirit animal?

Yes, even though it's hard to believe-after all, I do look godlike-I am a mere mortal like everybody else. But If I had a superpower, right now, it would be money. I'd like to think myself as being Bruce Wayne. But not the type that turns into Batman and fights the crooks or whatever-I'm talking about looks, charisma, power. In many ways, I am like him. But none of that good guy fights bad type of shit-superheros wouldn't last long in the real world.

What was the other question? *someone yells it out from the audience* Oh, it was an either/or question. *repositions himself in his seat* Thanks amigo. *salutes* I'm going to answer this anyway, because I can.

My spirit animal is a wolf, or un lobo in Spanish. In fact, that's actually one of my nicknames-which I conveniently left out from the answer of the first question. *chuckles*

What is your dream job?

Ugh, if it's one question I hate, it's that one. In theory, I have to take over the family company-after years of my life wasted studying business, commerce, or whatever-but I'd do anything other than that. I don't know what exactly, but maybe one day I'll get an epiphany.

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Six feet underground. I have a lot of enemies. *serious face*

What is Maximilian Rubair currently doing in his life as a young adult?

I would say studying, but that would be a lie. SATs are coming up, as most American twelfth graders do, but they're a joke. I have better ways to use my time.

Final words?

What, are you going to kill me or something? It was meant to happen in five years! I even have a heroic speech memorised, for that very occasion. *chuckles*

I'd like to send out a kiss to that very special person, you know who you are, darling, and a big middle finger to all you internet trolls that won't stop talking shit about me. Get a life, losers-while you're sitting there in your mother's basement stuffing your face with chips and soda, I'm practically swimming in money. So suck it.

*turns to the interviewer* And thank you, babydoll, for having me on the show, and you *turns to the audience* my fans for being freakin' awesome. *waves*

Maximilian Rubair from Deadly Secrets @a-dora-ble