I felt wield,

 almost burst into tear because of an image in my head,

 I was at lunch sitting with my friend and her group,

 I can't get close,

 can't react to anything,

just watch,

 watch my self sitting there shaking and crying,

 only to mumbles few words...

 "I'm fine..."

 "everything is the same, this always happened."

 because I'm useless,

 hopeless,

 always try to act like a child that always smile around other people,

Because I'm no longer me... 

a lost pathetic child that cries through his smile

 he wants to cry without the feeling of pain.

 I felt something looking at me...

 I look up but 

all I see is my teacher in front of my desk staring at me as she says...

 "Are you okay?"

 "you weren't responding when I called your name.. 5 or 10minutes ago..."

 "is everything alright?"

 " You were shaking, and your eyes were filled with tears is everything alright?"

 I only look around

 classmate looking at me

 pathetic right?

 Too weak to tell the truth

 too weak to show my wounds too,

 too weak to survive,

 I reply with only two word that is

 "I'm fine."

She looks at me

 I sense her worried as she says

 "you may listen to music to remain calm"

all I did was look down

 just to mumble a word

 "thank you." 

my voice was stiff

 can't even tell if everything that is reality or fantasy...

 I look down as if I remember what happened to me...

 Walking to class suddenly 

open my eyes in my seat seeing my teacher staring at me, 

notebooks and paper on my desk 

Why am I holding a pen?

the street of paper was entirely written out about how I feel...

 when did I write this?

 Did I enter this room and sit down take my stuff out while spacing out?

 Did I write how I feel on the paper?

 What is happening to me?

 My therapist said it might be my conscience telling me something... 

heart freeze up like ice with a hole in it

 causing extreme pain when wind blows in and out of the hole inside my heart

 why do I feel so lonely?

 But I have everyone here with me.. in this room...

 What is going on?

 I hate this pain... 

My wounds keep on bleeding even when the knives have been removed...

 everything in my head seems so slow as if time has slow down but it only been 10 minutes?

 I am pathetic and crazy.

 If you ask me how I feel

 all I say will be...

I don't know, but deep down I'm Numb,

 exhausted

 cold

 lonely

 a kid who lives but felt as if everything around him just a fantasy

 he never knows what reality is and what is not

 everything in his memory before was so beautiful...

 peaceful... 

now everything is 

dark... 

horror... 

misery,

I don't know what is real

what is true emotion?

because I don't feel anything...

Am I real?

I don't even know 

when did I lose myself?

everything around me seems to slow down day after day...

Am I getting worse? 

All I feel is numbness...

In my head 

I hear someone

speaking

"just one quick strike"

"just close your eyes"

"pull the blade across your arm"

"that is the only way to feel real"

"just one quick pull"

"watch the blood run down"

"your blood is your pain"

"get rid of it"

"put on the mask" 

"you need it to survive in this world"

I know it not right

but it messing with my head...

is this the solution to feel... 

real?

should I?

I don't know what to do...

live in the world where nothing feels real 

or

should I just let my blood run dry 

to feel real?

when will this stop?