[ CHAPTER TWENTY ONE ! ]

silent affirmations

DECEMBER 25TH, 2000

HAZEL AND TOMMY HAVE BEEN DATING for six months yet they're still making out any chance they get. Like they are right now. 

"Can you two leave each other alone for one second?" I groan sharply, though I may be exaggerating. Neither of them responds, or even cares to put a stop to their public display. 

Tommy simply raises his finger to point to the mistletoe right above the accent chair they're sharing, causing Joel to scoff, covering little Sarah's eyes. "You don't need to be doing all that with Sarah here." 

He waves his brother off, pulling away from Hazel for only a second. "She lives with you two. She's seen and heard worse." 

This remark earns another scoff from Joel. "Yeah, right." 

I chuckle, taking in every second of this holiday. At every candle that's lit, at the stockings with each of our initials hung on display. I lean back into Joel's torso with a slanted smile. "So can we expect a little cousin for Sarah soon, or what?"

Hazel rolls her eyes, but I can see her smiling just a little bit. "Fuck off." 

Tommy nudges Hazel forward a little bit. His lips curl into a wicked grin. "Tell 'em." 

Joel and I look at one another with unified confusion, then back at our siblings. 

Hazel holds up her hand and there we see the shining ring on her finger. "We're gonna be double in-laws!" 

A gasp escapes between my lips and I immediately am on my feet with excitement jumping off of me. "Oh my god, Hazel!" 

She meets me halfway in the living room with her face lit up and her hands raised in excitement. I grab her and pull her for a warm embrace as bliss overtakes me. 

2023, PRESENT

MY FEET SINK INTO THE SNOW WITH each step I take. I can see faded footsteps--no, they're just walked over. Not faded. They were once there, not long ago, but someone has stepped over them, leaving them almost invisible. Nature always has it's ways of relating to humans and their relationships with one another, it seems. It's ironic. 

"So, what? We're just going to kill these people unless they give us their shit?" Ellie wonders aloud, her sneakers crunching against the icy snow. 

Joel shakes his head. "No, we're also going to ask for directions, that's all." 

"And if they don't?" 

He shrugs. He lets the silence speak for itself. Joel has always found different techniques to do this--to portray it. He's always speaking in silence. 

I notice Hayden shivering--not just one part of her body, even, it's her entire small frame that's shaking. Her teeth are chattering behind her closed lips, I can tell, and her arms are holding her slim torso, she's rubbing the sides of her arms to attempt to find warmth within but her body can't take the strong winds and the snow blowing in her face. "Here," without hesitation, I pull my jacket off and place it over top of Hayden's shoulders. I caress her biceps with my hands, creating friction, creating heat from my hands alone. In the corner of my eye I can see Joel begin to take his top-layered jacket off--but I hold my hand up, stopping him. "I'm fine." But to my left, I can see that Parker is not. And understandably so. She's just lost her two closest friends and likely the only people she'd ever allied with. 

In the distance, I can see a short man with three rabits in his hands, he has a bulky jacket with even bulkier boots, which gives me hope when it comes to getting the correct supplies. 

We make it to the door of the cabin and I clear my throat, trying to prevent my lips from quivering from this cold. "You guys go in," the white air blows straight through my frozen lips. "Parker and I will wait out here." 

Parker spares me a puzzled look. "We will?" 

My lips curl into a grin. "Yeah, we will." 

Joel looks around, at our surroundings--as if to decide whether it would be safe for me to stay out here or not--before nodding. "We'll be right back." 

They go inside, and for the first time, Hayden doesn't look back at me to confirm her safety. She trusts Joel and Ellie and it means everything to me. 

I rub my arms warm and hold them against my torso, while the brunette places the sole of her foot against the cabin wall and shifts her body weight onto it. "God, I wish I had a fucking cigarette right now." 

A small chuckle escapes my lips. I sniffle. "Aren't you a little young for those yet?" 

She furrows her eyebrows and shakes her head. "I've been smoking since I was ten." 

I find myself swallowing a lump down my throat. "Your mom and dad let you do that?"

She doesn't respond at first, and if she hadn't turned her head to face the ground, I might have been able to watch the expression on her face. But I'm just left to assume by the way her voice sounds. "They died when I was nine."

It explains a lot, but not all of it. Maybe that's how she befriended Henry and Sam. Maybe she'd been with them all this time. And if she had, I feel fucking awful. But I know there are only so many questions I can ask without her feeling overwhelmed. "Were they infected?" 

She lifts her head from the ground and she almost smiles. It's a smile that gives me a weird feeling inside. I don't know what it is about it--but something in it is screaming at me. A small shake of her head and a smile gives me my answer. "They were murdered." 

I don't respond. I just look over her for a moment and wonder what she's capable. She's got that same look in her eye right now that she had the day I met her. Just the other day when she held that gun to my head. 

"You don't seriously believe them." Ellie asks in disbelief as her and Joel walk through the door. Joel is clearly disturbed as he storms right past us, walking as fast as his boots in the snow will allow him to. Ellie grabs the rabbit corpse next to my head and takes it under her arm. "They don't know anything." 

I grab the rabbit from her and place it back on the hook next to the door, causing her to glare at me. It's clear to me that something these people said is bothering Joel deeply. I follow after Joel's footsteps but am staying at a calm pace, as the girls are. I turn to Hayden with a questioning gaze. "What happened?" 

But before I let her answer--I rush to Joel's aid when I watch him hold onto the fence with his hand held to his heart as his head drops between his shoulders. Ellie follows after me, repeating his name while asking if he's okay. 

"Shut up." He mutters, looking at her for just a second only to glare at her. 

"Holy shit, are you dying?" 

"Give him a second, Ellie." I quip, but am wondering the same thing. I place my hand on his back, reminding him that I'm here. "What's going on?" 

His face twists for a moment before his brows furrow and with that, his eyes look around frantically, paying no mind to me. He lifts his head, barely to the sky and almost gasps out in pain as his hand tightens against his chest. 

I've seen this too many times with Hayden. I know exactly what's happening but it's clear no one else does--Joel including. 

"Joel, you're having a panic attack." I don't care that I'm fucking freezing, I just want Joel to be okay. 

"What--what the fuck is that?" Ellie mutters, her lips parted. 

"It's fine. He's fine." I return my focus to Joel and finally, he's looking right at me. I nod, hoping he'll listen to my silent affirmations. "You're okay."