[ CHAPTER NINE ! ]

imposter syndrome

IT HAD BEEN ALMOST completely silent amongst the group since leaving the Firefly's Building. Hayden and Ellie had been on the topic of places they'd like to visit most now, but a second ago they were chatting about which wild animal would be best to have as a pet. Random topics, sure, but they were distracting them from all they'd endured over the past twenty-four hours so I was okay with it.

Joel hasn't muttered a single word. He's just been leading us to our next location but hasn't said anything. I know his mind is going in a million different places, though. I know that he's beating himself up in his head about what he could have done differently.

I catch up to his speed and begin to walk next to him. Finally, I muster up the courage to speak. "I'm sorry about Tess. I know how close you two were."

It takes him a moment to acknowledge me. But when he does, he examines my features before nodding--a silent motion of thanks. And surprising me, he actually tells me, "Thank you."

WE'VE FINALLY ARRIVED to the place Tess had told Joel to go. There was a clear blue sky above us and freshly cut grass below. Joel approaches the metal fence and begins to punch in the four-digit code it required. He somehow had it memorized perfectly, without fail.

"You've been here before?" I find myself wondering out loud as I analyze my surroundings.

He nods, but remains silent as we continue down the street. There were various houses, most white but some with other coats of paint colours. It seemed like a small town that was completely abandoned. There was a white church with vines growing all around it with a matching house next to it.

It was two stories, with light blue shutters and chips of paint missing. There was a vase next to the mailbox, I noticed. It had a dozen of yellow, dying daffodils in it. Joel seemed to notice this too, because I could hear a change in his breath as he looked at them.

We came to a stop, and I had been left with the conclusion that this was the supposed Bill and Frank's home. Joel spares me a glance before making the decision to walk up the porch steps and to the door.

Joel went to open the door to find it unlocked, giving us access to go inside.

I watch as he hesitates, pulling his hand away and thinking before opening the green door further.

As soon as I step inside, a chill goes down my spine and I'm left with an overwhelming feeling of anxiety. I don't like this. There's not a single sound, and it seems like a single person is to be here either.

"Bill?" Joel calls out, peeking his head up the staircase. "Frank?"

Nothing. Absolute silence.

"You stay here." Joel demands, turning around and looking between me, Hayden, and Ellie. "You hear anything, you see anything... yell."

I know something has happened. I don't know anything about either Bill or Frank or if this is usual or not but something between the way Joel's expressions show signs of worry, and the complete energy of this house is telling me that something bad has happened.

"What if they're gone?" Ellie questions, voicing what all of us were wondering.

Joel's eyes flicker with a softness--scaredness--before turning away and licking his bottom lip. He doesn't respond. It's clear he doesn't want to. He just glances back at us once more before beginning his search around the house.

I realize I'm stuck with babysitting duty and let out a light sigh as I take a seat on the floor. I don't know whose house I'm in--or where they are--and I don't want to do anything without permission.

Hayden sat next to me while Ellie began to look around. The first thing she touched was the key of the piano in the foyer.

I lean my head back against the wall and close my eyes shut.

After hearing a few keys played, I notice she's stopped. It's silence for a second and as my eyes open, I can see Ellie grab something off the coffee table in the center of the room. My eyebrows furrow together in questioning. "What is it?"

She turns her body to face me and begins to walk toward me with a shake of her head before handing me a white envelope and a key.

I analyze it, it reads; TO WHOMEVER, BUT PROBABLY JOEL.

I set it back down on the table and go to find Joel and hand him the letter. He's down the hall, knocking his finger against the door, about to open the door when the front one shuts abruptly.

Joel looks back at me with a confused gaze. I motion for him to follow me, and he does.

We walked into the dining room--where Ellie and Hayden now were--but only to see Ellie sitting at the table with the letter in her hand while Hayden peeks over her shoulder. "Seriously?"

She shrugs. "Sorry. I wanted to see what it said." then glances between me and Joel. "It's from Bill."

It's at this time that I notice the mold-covered food on the table. There are flies buzzing over the blue and gray coloured food, swarming it.

Joel braces himself for whatever the letter might say, he glances down at his feet for a second before looking back up at Ellie as she reads the front of the envelope.

"I figured I fell under whomever," Ellie explained with another shrug before sliding the key across the table and to Joel. "came with this."

Joel slid his backpack off over his shoulders and took the key in his hand, examining it. "So they're dead?"

Ellie nods with a hum and I look up at Joel, trying to read him so I know what to do--so I might get an idea of how the hell he's feeling. But no, I'm still unable to. He's turned his head from me but I can see him blink before clenching and unclenching his jaw.

"You wanna read it?"

He shakes his head almost immediately, but slowly. "Go ahead, you do it."

Ellie hesitates, and I realize she doesn't actually want to be put in this position. I hold my hand out, letting her know that I'll take the letter and read it out loud. I watch as relief eases it's way onto her features as a sigh follows.

I take the letter and begin to read. "August 29th, 2009. If you find this... please do not come into the bedroom. We left a window open, so the house wouldn't smell, but it will probably be a sight." I let out a ragged breath before continuing. "I'm guessing you found this, Joel, because anyone else would've been electrocuted or blown up by one of my traps. Heheheheh." I smile lightly at this, and look up to see if Joel might've too--he hasn't. He's not smiling at all. His eyes are dark and drifted as he experiences more grief. "Take anything you need. The bunker code is the same as the gate code but in reverse. Anyway... I never liked you, but still, it's like we're friends. Almost. And I respect you. So, I'm gonna tell you something because you're probably the only person who will understand." I grow confused at the next sentence. "I used to hate the world and I was happy when everyone died. But, I was wrong because there was one person worth saving. That's what I did. I saved him. Then I protected him. That's why men like you and me are here. We have a job to do. And God help any motherfuckers who stand in our way."

Joel's eyes have become completely defocused and all I want to do is hug him.

"I leave you all of my weapons and equipment, use them to keep--" The mention of Tess's name makes me pause. I just keep my gaze low and hope that Joel knows what I'll say next, but he doesn't. He instead snatches the paper from me and reads it for himself.

I don't know what he's thinking. I don't know what his face reads, I can't tell because his back is turned away from me so I'm only left with my imagination.

"Stay here." His voice is low and pained and only brings me memories of the past.

He walks out and I begin to follow him out--ready to talk to him and console him and tell him I'm here for him but I realize I'm not the person he wants to hear those things from. Tess was. And now she was gone.

I'm paused in my tracks as I watch him out the open doorframe and can see him crumple the letter and I expect him to fall apart but he's still hanging on to an invisible rope telling him he can't feel emotion.

And suddenly I feel like the same helpless mother from all those years ago.