[ CHAPTER FOUR ! ]

unspoken

THE METAL STAIRWELL RATTLES with each step I take and it doesn't even phase me. It hasn't since the first month of living here. "This is definitely a safety hazard." Ellie claims as she carefully and slowly follows behind me.

I shrug. "I guess."

There were nearly a hundred people that lived here for decades and it's still in tact, so I wasn't too worried.

"What type of building even is this?" Joel wonders out loud and I can hear the distaste in his tone. He knows. He knows this is where I live and he's just trying to get under my skin.

"An apartment building. You read the sign." We reach my apartment and I pull the keys out from my back pocket. Sliding the metal into it's mold, I glance back at Joel. "You can still read, can't you?"

I heard Ellie chuckle behind me as I opened the door. It let out it's usual creak and I allowed them in. "Wait here."

I'd still needed to get Hayden from the neighbor's. 224. I knock twice and within seconds, smiling Ms. Davis appears on the other side. "You're back early! Let me get Hayden."

Before I can get a thank you out, she goes back into her apartment to get Hayden. I tap the edge of my foot against the wood panels of the floor and try to release as much of the current negativity I have in my system as possible before I face my daughter.

She's walking toward me with a small smile and both her hands on her pale blue backpack.

"Thanks again, Kate." I smile at Ms. Davis. "I really appreciate it!"

She nods and mimics my grin. "Not a problem!"

Before walking into my own apartment, I stop and attempt to be excited. "You want to go on a trip with me?"

Her grin widens. "Sure!"

Thank God. "Okay. I have some friends inside that are coming with us. Just... try to be their friend."

I don't know how any of them will react to Hayden. But all I can do is hope that they'll be kind even though everything in my gut is telling me otherwise.

We walk inside and I close the door behind me. The three of them are in the living room of my small apartment and are examining everything. Even though there's not much to look at, they're still managing to.

Ellie has made herself comfortable on the couch and is just looking at the floor and the uneven tiles, the older woman--who I still don't know the name of--is analyzing my ceiling and the walls around. Joel, though, has his eyes locked on the blanket and pillow in the corner of the hallway. Where I sleep. "This is where you sleep?"

I knew he was going to ask it but that doesn't mean it wouldn't take me back when he did. I slowly nod with a shrug. I didn't say anything. I wasn't embarrassed. I just felt small. That he would now watch over me. Like maybe he thinks he's better than me now because he has a bed to sleep on. I shove my hand in my pocket and pull Hayden forward. "This is Hayden." I clear my throat. "My daughter."

She waves and Ellie and Joel's friend stare at her with different levels of shock in their gaze. As if they're in disbelief that I raised a daughter who waved and smiled at them. Joel, though, didn't seem surprised at all. And he stood a little longer and with more thought than the other two. He seemed to be in deep thought and finally, he asked; "Where's your dad?"

This puts Hayden in an awkward position, and I can tell she's uncomfortable by the way her shoulders slump and her hand joins the other at her side. I let out a sigh. "He got infected last year," I say blankly. It's awkward and tense and negative. The room is full of nothing but bad energy and someone needs to speak before my head closes in on itself.

"Sorry for your loss." The older woman says with a sympathetic gaze, in which, I nod. My silent way of saying thank you.

"Now can one of you introduce yourselves to her so she doesn't feel like a fucking cow at an auction?"  I laugh. But I'm not necessarily happy, or find this funny. I just want to stop feeling so damn awkward.

Joel's friend is the first to step forward. She seems to be the kindest and most knowledgeable out of the group. I like it. "I'm Tess."

Her name fits her perfectly. I look at her and could have guessed for her to have such a wise name.

"I'm Ellie." Ellie's pursing her lips and staring at the floor and I think she's being shy. The girl who just held a knife to me was being shy.

Joel's shoulders are slumped and he has his jaw clenched. I can tell he thinks this is stupid. "I'm Joel." He says and immediately begins to walk back toward the door. "Okay, we got her. Can we go now?"

WE WERE ON ANOTHER detour when Tess claimed she'd needed to get something from her house. She failed to mention that it was the house she shared with Joel.

As soon as I walk in I can get an idea of this house. Of how things go down inside.

As I walk past the kitchen I can't help but wonder if her and Joel have danced in the here to 80's music. And when I look at the living room all I can feel is a knot in my stomach as the image of the two of them holding each other as they're laughing at a movie.

"Make yourselves at home," Tess tells us as she and Joel walk into a separate room. "We won't be long."

It's suddenly clear to me that I've been dug into a hole of watching my ex-husband and another woman be in love while having to be the babysitter to two fourteen-year-olds.

Hayden looks up at me. Her eyes are worried and confused and it pings at my heart. She's looking at me for permission to sit down and I give her a nod of approval.

I want to sit her down right now and talk this through with her but I know I can't. I can tell she's scared. She has no idea where we are or what we're doing and it's clear she knows something is up.

Ellie's the first to sit down. She goes to the windowsill of the living room, sits on it and looks out at the pouring rain. She seems to want to be alone but Hayden is staring over at her like a puppy. "Ellie," my voice comes out hoarse without intending to. I clear my throat. "you two want to talk?"

She shrugs and Hayden seems totally mortified. I push my daughter forward, in which, she sends a harsh glare back at me.

I set my backpack on the ground and sink into the couch. There's a TV directly in front of it, it reminds me of yet another thing I don't have. It's nice here. There's a couch, a rug, a TV, and a coffee table. Everything I could want for my apartment.

But nurses don't make shit in Boston. We risk our lives every day by exposing ourselves to this virus but make less than people at the Morgue.

I refocus my attention onto Ellie and Hayden. They're sharing a laugh and I love to see it. They've almost immediately clicked and became friends. I smile at this. Maybe she'll finally make a friend.

I can see Joel emerge from the room in the hallway and when I blink, he's right in front of me. He signals for me to stand up and move. "Get up."

I have to blink again to make sure I'm seeing this correctly. "Excuse me?"

"Get up. I want to sleep."

He begins to sit next to me and I instantly rise, not wanting to get crushed by a 170-pound man. Muttering under my breath, "Asshole."

HAYDEN IS FAST ASLEEP with her head in my lap, I'm running my fingers through the thin strands of her hair, hoping to calm her down from the panic attack I could tell was coming on as the night approached. Something the night usually brought.

I stare down at her restful figure and I'm reminded of the one thing I've done right. But looking down at her only reminds me of that night with Sarah, when she fell asleep on my lap on Joel and I's birthday. Our last night together.

I look up and see Joel, he's looking right back at me. He's sat up from the couch now and is just watching over Hayden and I with an observing gaze. His eyes fall to my neck and I can see a question form in his eyes. "You're still wearing your necklace."

I glance down at the gold chain and nod. The glass on the watch around his wrist is reflecting against the light of the ceiling and I feel my heart begin to swell. "You're still wearing your watch."

He nods as well. There's thick tension between us as we remain silent. I'm too afraid to look up because I know he's still watching me. I'm scared that if I lock eyes with him my heart will break again.

"I thought you were dead," Joel almost whispers. It's quiet and soft and breaks my heart.

I knew the question was coming but didn't think it would be now, in the quiet darkness.

A sad laugh escapes my lips before I can stop it. "Yeah, so did I."

His eyebrows furrow and it's clear he's in deep thought. Contemplating what to say to me. Then, after moments of sitting in silence, he says it. "Sarah's gone."

It stings. It really fucking stings. "I know."