[ CHAPTER ONE ! ]

the calm before the storm

SEPTEMBER 26, 2003

THE DAY I DIED WAS ALREADY off to a bad start when my alarm failed to go off. Maybe it was a sign. 

Sarah stood on the opposite side of the door, banging as she shouted the word "alarm" at Joel and I. While Joel took his time to rub his eyes before turning over, I was focused on checking the time. 7:09. "Shit. Get up." 

I slowly rose from the bed with a yawn. I threw my shirt over my head and exchanged it for the first I could find hung on my side of the closet. Then, slid a simple pair of dark-washed jeans over my legs. 

Joel was just then getting out of bed when I made my way over to him with a smile. "Happy birthday." 

My arms wrapped around his waist as he kissed my temple. "And happy birthday to you." 

Some have said that Joel and I were soulmates just because we had the same birthday. Like it was some sort of perfect reasoning for us to be together. 

Today's also our anniversary. We met ten years ago today. Married four years ago. Today.

"So what type of birthday gifts do we get today?" Joel asked me with a small grin, the very grin I fell in love with. The one I've watched fade over the years.

I shrugged at his question. "Sarah's making us pancakes." 

He pulled away from me with a puzzled gaze. "I hate pancakes." 

I nodded. Then beamed. "But I love them." 

He copied my smile and nodded as well. He seemed suddenly okay with having pancakes. "Fine. Whatever you want, I'll have." 

This was the perfect response. A refreshing response. Both Joel and I had always been far too arrogant to show one another affection. These quick compliments and looks of love were things neither of us was used to receiving, and we were okay with that. 

I was okay with that. The looking away when getting caught staring, the small smiles, when our hands would brush against each other's and it was like the biggest deal. Like we were two pre-teens falling in love for the first time again. 

"What're you thinking about?" 

I was returned to reality when I hear this question. I look back up at him and shake my head. "Nothing. Let's go. I'm hungry and feeding for two." 

This made him smile. The look in his eye was as if he just found out about the baby boy growing in my stomach. Our baby boy.

AS I WALKED DOWN THE STAIRS, I was immediately met with the scent of bacon and eggs. I turned the corner and see Sarah standing over the stove, cooking bacon and eggs. 

"I thought you were making pancakes." I don't manage to hide the distaste in my tone as I analyze the lie. It was a stupid argument I was ready to pick. One of the many playful family arguments that would go down in this kitchen.

I seemed to have startled Sarah because she jumped a little before realizing it was me. Then, a loose chuckle escapes past her lips. "I couldn't find the pancake mix."

"Mm-hmm," I hummed with faux disappointment. "sure."

She smiled at this and it reminded me of how much I loved watching her smile. Although she wasn't my creation, I'd watched her grow into a beautiful young woman. She smiled exactly the same way as when she was three; when I first moved into this house and became her mom. 

I kissed her on the top of her head. "Thank you, Sare Bear."

She rolled her eyes at my nickname and it made me laugh out loud. "I've been asking you to stop calling me that since I was like eight!" 

"You mean you're not still eight?" This was Joel, who asked. And it only made me laugh louder. 

Sarah scoffed and with a glare, she replied: "Says the old man. How old are you again?"

"Thirty-six." He replied as he poured himself a coffee. In which, Sarah offered him a cup of orange juice.

"You're gonna have to wear diapers soon." 

He grabbed the drink from her hand and took a sip. "Who says I don't already?" 

"Alright, you two." I took it upon myself to cut the banter off. I grabbed plates from the cabinet and began to set the table. 

"Don't want to upset mama bear on her birthday."

This nickname was always a joke. One that originated one morning as I was feeding little Sarah. Joel was leaning on the doorway with a smile. He'd said: "Sare bear and her mama bear." And since then, the three of us had been Sare, Mama, and Papa bear. And we would name our second child Jeremy -- Jere bear. A name we'd been fond of for years now.

I rolled my eyes playfully and with a small smile, I continued to set the table. "How about not upsetting me ever?" 

He pretended to think before humming. "Too hard."

I let out a laugh at this. And my smile only grew when Sarah began to place the scrambled eggs and bacon on the plates in front of me. "You're the best, Sare." I said as my lips pressed against the top of her head.

I then looked up at Joel. A look of gratitude and pride. One that said we raised the best daughter. 

And his brown eyes squinted as his smile pushed them up. I know. 

This was a moment of many I cherished. I loved that we were blessed with the ability to exchange words without speaking. It was something I'd hold close to me forever and always.

Joel's eyes found the golden eggs on the grey plate and immediately sat down. I watched as he relaxed his body into the chair beneath him and pretended to not care or show satisfaction toward Sarah, an interaction of many the two had. "Did you get your homework done?" 

Sarah looked back at him with a confused gaze. Furrowed eyebrows and a pout. 

Joel wanted to laugh at this, I could tell. He took a sip from his coffee. "Fractions?" 

Today was going to be a good day.

I HEARD THE DOOR OPEN and close and feel a surge of happiness push through me. I enter the entryway to see Sarah, with dropped shoulders and her worry lines sticking out. "How was school?" 

The brunette looked up at me and seemed startled, almost. "I thought you'd be at work." 

I fake a gasp. "You're not happy to see me?" 

She smiled at this and I can feel bliss re-enter my body. "Did you pick up a cake?"

I shook my head. "Your dad said he'd pick one up after work." 

"He won't be home until nine." She groaned, throwing herself on the couch. 

Laughing softly, I pick her feet up and sit on the sofa beneath them. "Do you want a cake or not?" 

She seems to think for a moment, and then she looks at me and nods. "Okay."  Then she sits up and grabs the TV remote. "Can we watch something?"

"Sure." 

WE'D DECIDED ON titanic. Of all movies, Sarah decided to watch Titanic. It was a fairly recent film, sure. But I never had time to watch it until now. 

Sarah is blowing her nose into a tissue while her head is rested on my shoulder and she's absolutely a mess. I'd never seen her breakdown this much over any movie, or any fictional piece of media. A laugh threatened to escape my lips. 

I heard as the doorknob rattled and when I looked over, Joel walked through the door. His shoulders are slumped and he has a frown plastered on his face. 

"Did you get the cake?" I asked with a hopeful gaze. Hoping that this would cheer Sarah up.

His face drops and I immediately regret asking. "Shit." 

I spare him a knowing smile. "It's okay. I'll get one first thing in the morning." I squeezed Sarah's hand. "We can have it for breakfast." 

Joel sat down on the couch next to our daughter and almost immediately threw his head back and ran his hands down his face. "I'm sorry."

Sarah sniffled and it's as if Joel just realized she was crying. He looks at me with a worried gaze. He mouths, what happened? to me.

We watched a movie. 

He sighs in relief at this, and pats the top of her knee. And then, she reaches behind me and grabs four items from the pillow placed against my back. She sniffled once more and with a sigh, she said, "I got you guys presents." 

While I grinned, Joel looked upset, almost. "Where'd you get money for presents?" 

"I stole it from you guys." The corners of her lips curled and her eyes glistened. "Sorry, but you weren't going to buy anything for each other or yourselves so I had to." 

I kissed the top of her head with a slight smile as she handed me my two presents. "Thanks, baby." 

The one was a necklace. The same one from years ago that would align with hers. It was cliche, sure. But it was half a heart, it was silver with 'mom' engraved in it. The charm was magnetic and would align with Sarah's when put together. It was cheap and broke years ago but now, it was put together perfectly. 

The other, a vinyl that played the song Take Me Home Tonight. It was the song that Joel and I played at our wedding for the first dance. It was impractical and ignorant but that's what we liked about it. That's why we chose it. 

"I know how much that song means to you and dad." Sarah smiled, and it reached her bloodshot eyes. 

The three of us shared a moment of gratitude for one another. And we hugged. For a minute or two, it felt like. But I wanted to stay in it for the rest of my life. 

"Okay, dad, your turn!" Sarah cut the bittersweet moment off with her eagerness. 

She handed him his presents and he revealed the watch he'd broken weeks prior. It was working perfectly. Like new. "Where'd you say you got the money for this?"

"I sell hardcore drugs." She deadpanned. The three of us shared a small laugh. "I stole 60 from you but it was only 40 for Mom's necklace and the watch, so I returned the other 20. I'm an honest thief." 

I examined Joel's features as he looked back at our daughter. His jaw was tense and I could tell that his mind was racing as he contemplated what to say or do. "Thank you."

Then something beautiful happened before my eyes. Joel and Sarah were looking into each other's eyes and it was like they had a silent conversation going just with their eyes.

"Oh! And there's one more." Once again, she reached behind me for the final present and handed Joel a movie CD. Curtis and Viper 2. "I borrowed it from the Adlers." 

Joel gasped. "This is the one with the deleted scenes." 

"Well aren't you just the ultimate gift giver," I offered Sarah a grin as I grasped the necklace in my hands. 

Sarah giggled at what I said and the sound made me want to giggle too. "Come on, pop it in. While it's still your birthday."

Obeying, Joel rose and opened the case. As he slid it into the player, I just turned to face Sarah. "Thank you. Your dad and I really appreciate it." 

She returned the smile and scooted closer to me, resting her head on my shoulder and when Joel sat back down, she placed her hand in his. 

"Don't fall asleep." Joel warned her as he turned the TV on.

She furrowed her eyebrows at him. As if the thought of that was crazy and he was a lunatic for even thinking it. "Course I won't. It's too riveting." 

SOMEHOW, ONCE THE MOVIE was over, Sarah was fast asleep with her head on Joel's lap and her legs curled up on mine and I find myself examining her peaceful figure as she sleeps. I want to savour this moment for as long as I can. Her soft snores and light breathing. The way her eyes move under her closed eyelids. 

He looks up at me and in a whisper voice, he wonders out loud. "How did we get so lucky?"

I don't even need to think of a good reason. I just know. "Good things happen to good people, Joel."

He smiles at this. Nods. And we have another one of those unspoken conversations.

Until his phone began to ring. He leaned over slightly, careful not to budge Sarah too much before answering the phone. "Hello?"

I can't hear anything happening or being spoken on the other end. I just allow Joel's features to tell me what I need to know to gather context. One moment, he looks confused. Then the next, his eyes close and he lets out a deep sigh. He reclines his head back in exasperation and he pinches the bridge of his nose. This doesn't sound good. "Goddammit." 

His dark eyes then meet mine and mouths 'It's Tommy' to me.

"Well, which jail? Travis County?" 

I sit up and reposition myself as soon as I hear the word jail. "Jail?" I whisper-shout as panic begins to make it's way in my system. 

"Fuckin' idiot," he curses under his breath as he hangs up the phone. 

"What? What happened?" I have so many questions but don't want to overwhelm Joel any more than he probably already is. 

"Idiot got himself in a fight. He's okay. Says I've got to bail him out." 

I let my body relax a bit after hearing the words of reassurance. Then I realize he's actually got to go get him. Joel glances back down at Sarah and I realize what he's about to ask me. "Go. I'll carry her up." 

He gently slides out from underneath her as I hold her in my arms before I stand myself. He presses a soft kiss to my forehead and I can tell he's stressed. "We'll figure it out, Joel." 

BLAKELY SPEAKS !

this chapter was initially 6500 words long but I was overwhelmed so I split it into two parts

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