Disclaimer: All Fairy Tail Characters Belong to Hiro Mashima

When We Take Different Paths - Week 3 - Gender Identities
Characters: Gray and Mika Fullbuster
Prompt: Pronouns

They

He

Gray saw the box that was sitting on top of his bed. It had been delivered while he had been at school. He looked at it with equal parts excitement and trepidation. It had been almost a year since he had started switching to women's clothing on days when he felt right doing so.

His female clothing mostly consisted of items his mom had picked from sales or from donation boxes. They were ill fitting but he made do, it's not like he ever left the house wearing them. Once his father had died, money had become tight and he refused to be a bigger burden on his mother than he had to be.

The moment he was eligible he had searched all over town until he found a part time job he could do after school. He was determined to help his mother as much as he could but she would have none of it. She wanted him to keep the money, to do fun things and take Natsu out on dates. Finally she had suggested he set money aside for when he was ready to embrace his new identity.

He had promised himself that he would not purchase anything until he was sure this was really a part of who he was. After a year had passed, he could no longer think of it as a phase, so he waited for the days he knew would soon come and immersed himself in a world of colors and styles as he tried to figure out what appealed to him. He studied the girls at his school and looked at pictures of models in magazines. He had no intention of setting foot in a store, so he asked his mother to measure him and ordered things online.

He opened the box quickly, the excitement quickly winning over the apprehension that was in the back of his mind. The one that was screaming at him to slow down. He paid it no mind, admiring the purchases he had made using his own hard earned money. He held out one of the colorful tops over his chest and looked in the mirror.

There was only one problem, today was not one of those days. He still felt excitement at his reflection but it wasn't as pronounced as it could have been. This moment was too special to waste so after he made sure all his purchases had been shipped he put everything back in the box and set it aside. It was disappointing, but it was not something he had any control over.

He thought about Natsu, as he often did, and felt the familiar guilt of hiding such an important side of himself from his boyfriend.

They saw each other a bit less now because of his job but their relationship had progressed to the point where they had sex regularly and Gray had been surprised by how much he liked to play either role. He loved to be inside of Natsu just as much as he loved for Natsu to be inside of him.

It didn't matter who was doing what, the feelings were always intense and it wasn't long before Gray found himself addicted to the way Natsu looked at him at these times, like there was nothing else in the world that mattered to him besides Gray. And while Gray felt the same, there was always that nagging guilt at knowing that Natsu gave himself up completely while he continued to hold a part of himself back.

Gray wanted to tell him, but everytime he tried the words would never come. The fear of Natsu rejecting him was just too strong. He couldn't chance it, not yet. He put the box on a shelf in his closet and closed the door behind him.

o-o

She

Gray looked at the clock with frustration, it was only third period but he already couldn't wait to get home. The unease had begun in homeroom and by last period it had grown into full fledged wrongness. The clothes he was wearing felt wrong, he felt wrong, and he certainly didn't want to be touched by anyone, which led to a hurt Natsu as Gray pushed him away.

Your fault, this is all your fault. He was only trying to ask you what was wrong. You're the one who's wrong.

Gray just wanted to run home, shut her brain off and strip off all of her clothes. Replace them with some of the new ones that she had been saving. Instead she had to go work as a waiter at a restaurant for the next four hours. She wanted to cry.

She got to the restaurant and went to put her things away in her locker when she noticed a note sticking out of one of the side pockets of her backpack.

I don't know what I did, but I'm sorry. I love you. -N

Gray felt like shit all over again. Why couldn't she just tell him? She knew logically that Natsu loved her, but the part of her that was still not comfortable with addressing herself as female at these times, that felt that she was an aberration would not let her. How could he possibly love her when she didn't even love herself? She managed to get through the rest of her work shift by constantly reminding herself of the box full of goodies that awaited her in her closet. She was glad to have waited for a moment such as this.

Natsu showed up at the end of her shift and walked her home, claiming to have an errand to run. He didn't try to touch her, just walked next to her quietly. Natsu was a very tactile person by nature but he was trying his hardest and somehow that made her feel both very loved and incredibly alone.

She tentatively grabbed on to his hand as they walked. Natsu looked at her confused, but gave her a small smile. He squeezed her hand and remained silent, but the familiar warmth rushed through her body at the feel of his touch. It was then that she realized what she had been doing and she felt dumb and more than a little angry at herself.

She waited until they arrived at her door and stopped Natsu before he walked away. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed her boyfriend, just lips pressed against lips. She could feel his arms move to her sides as they normally did when they kissed, but then they stopped. She grumbled into the kiss, trying to show her dissatisfaction but Natsu seemed happy to let her take the lead.

She allowed herself to feel out her comfort level. It was kind of like having their first kiss all over again. Except this time, she was the one to initiate it, on her terms. And she found she still liked it very much. She moved her arms down from his neck to find his and wrap them around her hips while pressing herself closer to him.

They kissed for a bit longer, until she pushed him back gently, smiling at his still closed eyes and the dreamy smile that always made her melt.

"I love you too." Gray said, replying to Natsu's note, and just saying the words was liberating because of course she did. Why had she thought that would change just because she felt female? They said their goodbyes and as she watched Natsu walk away she could have sworn that his step seemed lighter.

Her body might feel different in many ways but her love for Natsu carried across all aspects of her being. This realization brought about a different fear, what if she still loved him this way but he didn't love this part of her? What if he didn't understand? Just like that, the peaceful moment was replaced by crippling anxiety.

o-o

They

Another year passed, Gray was now comfortable enough to switch pronouns in his mind as needed. Most days he identified as he and he was able to pretend that this was who he was. Sometimes it would be weeks before he felt the familiar unease and everytime it happened he felt a little disappointment. All in all he was getting better at accepting that this was a part of who he was now, even if he only acted on it within the safe spaces of his mind and home.

Those days she would do her best to ignore how she was feeling until she could go home and change into things that made her feel more comfortable. She had been growing her hair a bit, wanting to soften her features a little so that she could appear more feminine. Her mother had been helping her to experiment with hair, makeup and nail polish, although Gray would remove all of it before going to bed. The ritual of it settled her.

She had come to enjoy the closeness that had developed between her and her mother through her journey of self-discovery. Her mother always encouraged her to try different things to see what she liked and didn't like, never once shaming her for her curiosity and always trying to be understanding when Gray succumbed to bouts of self doubt and anxiety.

Part of the problem was that Gray didn't like to switch pronouns. It made him feel like there was something wrong with him. Like his female self, for lack of a better term, was a whole other person and that wasn't what he wanted. He just wanted to be Gray. Someone who was mostly male, but sometimes wasn't, and he had to admit to himself that those times were increasing as he became more comfortable with the situation.

The fact was, no matter what gender he felt like, he was still Gray Fullbuster. He still liked the same things, loved the same people and he wanted to be able to reflect that with how he thought of himself and how he wanted to be addressed. If switching pronouns was confusing for him, how would it be for others?

When he would complain about this his mother would tell him, "He or she, what does it matter Gray, when they are both you?"

He thought about her words a lot. He'd read online about other people who were like him - they used pronouns like ze, sie, hir, co or ey and that had immediately put him off. They might work for others, but for him it was the opposite of what he wanted He didn't want to stand out. He didn't want to hide forever either, he knew it wasn't healthy. He just wanted to be comfortable with himself, only then could he really come out to others.

...when they are both you

Those words continued to resonate with him. They had been another one of the pronouns used by nonbinary individuals. Originally he had rejected it because he felt it pointed towards a duality he still wasn't comfortable with, like there were two different people inside of him and that went against his feelings.

But maybe he had been thinking about it all wrong. At its most basic they meant more than one, it inferred no real gender. It could refer to all males, all females, or even a mix of both. Wasn't that what he felt like? It wasn't a perfect fit, but it was a common pronoun, one already in use. It wouldn't feel as strange to others and it had the added comfort of being a word he had used since he was a child.

He knew he was lucky, his boyfriend was happy to give him space when he needed it without asking too many questions. Natsu deserved to know what was going on with him though, and Gray promised himself that he would work hard to get to that point.

They wanted to give Natsu all of themself, to keep no more secrets from the man they loved. They owed it to themself and they owed it to Natsu to try.