Chapter 18

SHY

I’ve been crying to sleep ever since that day. My heart felt so broken.  Every time I close my eyes, I could only see Nate. I thought avoiding him was the best solution but instead it makes the matter worst. I missed his smile, his laughed, his voice, his teases, his charm and everything about him. I’m longing to be in his arms, desired to be with him, to have him hold and hug me tightly, comforting me when I’m down,  caring for me and most of all to feel his lips on mine again

Am I really a bad person? Who’s longing for someone else other than my own boyfriend? I never miss or longing for anyone as I felt for Nate right now. When Mike and I were apart I do missed him, but never really longing for him. I missed talking to him that’s all and now more than a month we’ve not been contacting each other, I didn’t felt heartbroken. Angry maybe but I don’t really bothered anymore. Does this mean I didn’t love Mike anymore? Does this mean I’m really falling for Nate? Or it is just lust?

“You looked horrible Shy,” complained Zara my neighbour when we were in car on our way to college. She’s our senior and majoring in International Relations. She’s one of our Student’s Boards and this year will be her final year. She’s been very active in all the activities conducted by the college and she’s amazingly beautiful. Nate was the one who introduced us and instantly we become good friend. She’s like a sister I never had. I’ve been going and coming back from college with her ever since that day, giving reason that Nate has other things to do.

I sighed, “I haven’t had enough sleep lately,” I told her.

“It about Nate isn’t it?” she asked. “Don’t lie, I have eyes you know. I can see. Both of you look horrible. If you both love each other, just forgive and forget,” she shrugged.

“It’s not what you think. Our situation is different and complicated,” I told her looking at my fingers.

“Tell me what so different and complicated?” giving me a serious look. I hesitated.

“Shy, who knows I could help,” she said softly, “I hate seeing you like this.” I looked at her and sighed and finally relating to her the situation I was in, about my relationship and feelings for Nate.

“All this while I thought Nate is your boyfriend,” she chuckled.

I let out a nervous laughed, “Who ever gives you that idea?”

“Well,” she smirked, “The way you both treat each other.”

“I thought I treat him the same with the rest of the guys,” I denied.

“No, you did not,” she stressed. “I’ve been observing both of you. You act different when you were with him and he’s too. I could see how jealous you both were when other girls or guys talked and laughed with either of you, especially you. You looked as if you want to kill all those girls,” she laughed. “And the way Nate looked and treated you. Gosh, you both look adorable together, don’t you know that?” she added, “I envied both of you and it a waste if you let Nate go.”

I sighed, “But what about my boyfriend? I can’t just leave him like that can I?”

“Are you sure your boyfriend is thinking the same way about you? Are you sure that your boyfriend don’t have anyone else with him right now?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” I replied softly, “We haven’t been contacting each other for nearly a month now. He never even bothered to call me. He would give his reason as busy every time I call him and cut short our conversation.”

“Well don’t get me wrong when I say this Shy,” she chuckled, “From what you’ve told me, I think he’s not as loyal as you think he is, but I might be wrong. Well, maybe he’s really is busy but he can’t always be busy to call someone that he love or care, can he?”

I remained quiet. Zara had a point there. I know Mike was never loyal to me even when we’re together. I remember the way I saw him looking at other girls and sometime flirt with them when he think I’m not around, but somehow or rather, he would able to sweet talk me into making me forgive him. Come to think of it, I am stupid, don’t I. Yeah, very, very stupid.

I looked at Zara who’s contracting to park the car, “What do you think I should really do? Just leave my boyfriend and go to Nate?” I asked.

“Hmm, let me asked you one questioned,” she said looking at me, “If you could answer me this questioned, then you have your answers too.”

“What?” I asked.

“Whom does your heart desire?” she asked.

Nate, my mind answered for me almost immediately. I do desire to be with Nate right now, “I don’t know,” I answered her instead.

“Well, asked your heart then.” she suggested. “Only your heart could answer it for you. Listen to you heart. My mother use to say that our heart knows what’s best for us.”

“How would you know which one your heart chooses?” I asked softly.

She smiled, “Well, when you felt your heart beat differently whenever you think about him, whenever anyone mentioned about him. You’re longing for him,” and continued dreamily,”Longing for his touch, longing to be in his arms, longing to hear him say ‘I love you’, longing to hear him call you ‘Baby’ whenever he comforts you and most of all longing to have his warm, sweet and tender lips on yours over and over again and you could still feel that warm kisses on your lips even though you haven’t seen him for years.”

“Is that how you feel that towards your boyfriend?” I asked.

She smiled but I could see there’s tears in her eyes, “Yes, but he’s my ex-boyfriend now,” she sighed.

“What happened?” I curiously asked.

She sighed again, “I’ve break off with him on the day he’s going to Harvard.”

“Why?” I gasped.

“Because I’m scared something like what happening to you right now happened to me or him. Afraid we might hurt each other. People say prevention is better than healing. We both were young and both are going to different college, meeting new people anything could happen.” she chuckled softly.

“Does he have someone new?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” she shook her head softly; “We haven’t seen each other for nearly 5 years now.”

“But you still longing and miss him?” I asked again.

“Yeah,” she nodded.

“What will happen to you if he did found someone else?” I curiously asked.

“I will have to accept that we don’t belong to each other. Accept the fact that his hearts belongs to someone else. To tell you the truth, I’m actually had prepared for it,” she replied softly.

“You mean you know he will find someone else?” I asked again.

She chuckled, “No, it’s not that. I have myself prepare because I know every girl would want him to be their boyfriend. He might not be interested in them but they do. Even when we’re together, girls had been queuing up for him just waiting for us to break off, which unfortunate didn’t happen until he went off.”

“Well, that’s enough about me. Follow my advice Shy. Listen to your heart properly before making any decision,” she advice.

When we’re out of the car, I hugged her, “Thanks Zara for the advice. I hope you will get what you want too,”

“Yeah, let have our fingers crossed,” she laughed.

“No worries, I have my toes crossed too,” I joked and we laughed together walking into the college.

Walking to my class I recalled Zara’s advice, to listen to my heart.  Who does my heart desire? Unlike Zara, she’s still desire for her ex-boyfriend while I? I desire for Nate. Zara longing for her ex’s touch and kisses while I… I’m longing for Nate. I’m missing Nate more than I’m missing Mike right now. I’m feeling lost without Nate than without Mike. Does this mean my heart is choosing Nate over Mike? I so confused. What if all this is just my lust for Nate? How would I tell? How am I convinced that Nate is whom I wanted to be with?

“Hey, Shy,” greeted Claudia when I sat beside her, “God, you look horrible,” she commented. I have to people comments on my looks today.

“I’m not feeling well, that all,” I told her.

“Hey Shy,” greeted Janet joining me and Claudia, “God you look…”

“Horrible, I know,” I cut her off before she could finish her sentence. I don’t need another person to tell me how terrible I look.

“Yeah,” she said smirking.

“She’s not feeling well,” Claudia told her.

“Oh, really,” she responded uncaring, “Well, actually I want to ask you about Nate,” she added.

My heart beat so fast when she’s mention Nate. Well, Zara says that you’ll know you desire for him when your heart beat differently whenever his name mentioned. Well I got one point that my heart desire for Nate.

“Shy,” called Janet waving her hand in front of me waking me up from my thoughts.

“What?” I asked, “Did you say something?”

“Yeah, I asked what happen to Nate?” she asked rolling her eyes at me.

“Nothing,” I answered giving her a weird look, “Why do you ask?”

“Well, I’ve been wondering what happened to him,” she said, “I haven’t seen him around. He promised to call me but he never did,” she sighed.

“When did he promise to call you?’ I asked feeling a pang of jealousy.

“During the party, we’ve kissed,” she said dreamily,” and I’ve gave him my number but he never called,” she explained while writing something on her book and tore it.  What? Nate kissed her. I could feel my face heat up feeling so angry. How dare he? Or maybe she’s the one who kissed him? Urgh!! I hand itches to slap her hard.

Folding the paper, she handed it to me, “Will you give him my number to him again and asked him to call me?”

I rolled my eyes, “Yeah sure,” I replied sarcastically.

“Thanks, bye,” and went to sit at the front row with her bitches group.

“She just wasting her time,” Claudia whispered to me as the Professor entered the class.

“Why do you say that?” I whispered back opening my book.

“Nate not interested,” she said.

“How do you know?” I asked looking at her ignoring the Professor lectures in front, “They’ve kissed.”

“She’s the one who kissed him and he told me about his feelings toward you,” she told but keep looking ahead.

“When? During the party?” I asked again.

“Yeah,” she nodded. Oh now I know why she didn’t continued to seduce him that night. “He only has eyes on you, stupid,” this time she looked at me and giving me a ‘Wake Up, Stupid,’ looks. Moving her head closer to me she whispered, “Wake up Shy. That guy loves you and you know you love him too. Stop denying it.” I was stunned by her words.

When I didn’t say anything she added, “If I were you, I’ll never let him slip off my fingers.”