Song: Wind (Scarlet Heart Ryeo OST) - Jung Seung-Hwan 

Beg 

Agad kaming sinalubong nila Ryan at Tony nang makitang papasok na ang kotse sa aming bahay. Tinigil ni Zach ang makina ng kanyang sasakyan at naramdaman kong lumingon siya sa akin.

Hindi ako kumibo. Hindi ako gumalaw sa pwesto ko. Nakatulala lang ako habang naaalala ang nangyari kanina.

"Sam..." he called. Hindi ko siya nilingon.

Hindi ko maalala kung paano niya ako nagawang ipasok sa loob ng kotse niya para makauwi na. I think we stayed there for an hour or two, doing nothing. Ang naalala ko nalang nang makita kong nakatayo na siya sa harap ko.

"Let's go home, Sam..."

Nagulat nalang ako nang biglang nagbukas ang pinto ng kotse ni Zach. Bumungad sa akin ang mukha ng nag-aalalang si Ryan. Tinulungan niya akong bumaba ng kotse.

"Oh, dear..." he said when he saw I messed up I was.

Inangat ko ang tingin ko sakanya, nagpipigil ng iyak. Ryan frowned. Agad niya akong niyakap at hinayaan nang umiyak. He knows that we went to visit my family.

Pero hindi niya alam ang tungkol sa nangyari. Hindi niya pa alam ang nangyari.

Nakita kong tumabi si Zach kay Tony. Parehas silang nakatingin sa akin. Kitang-kita ko ang pagpipigil ni Zach. I know he wants to be in Ryan's place right now. Pero kapag ganoon ang nangyari, masasaktan ko lang siya.

I saw how hurt he was for me and I don't want that to happen again.

I don't want to see him hurt again...

Pinikit ko nalang ang mga mata ko upang hindi na siya makita. I don't want him seeing me like this. He doesn't deserve this. He deserves so much more.

He deserves someone who is not this broken.

Hindi ko na alam kung paano pa ako napakalma ni Ryan. Nandidito kami ngayon sa kwarto namin ni Zach. I know he wanted to ask me what happened but he chose not to. He chose to wait for me to tell him.

Dahil alam niya na sasabihin ko rin naman sakanya iyon. I always tell him everything. Kung wala siya, baka kinimkim ko na ang lahat hanggang sa madurog ako.

"I'm an illegitimate child." Sabi ko. Ryan shifted from his seat at mas inilapit ako sakanya.

"I feel like I'm a living sin. A sin that my father didn't want to commit. And every time he sees me, maaalala niya iyong kamalian niya. At siguro, 'yun ang naging rason kung bakit ganoon ang pagtrato niya sa akin."

"Who told you?" he asked.

"Ate Isabella..."

Bumaba ang tingin ko sa aking mga daliri at pinagpipisil ito. I wonder what was her reaction nang malaman niya ang totoo. Maybe she heard the truth when my father and Calliope Enriquez was arguing. Siguro, sa hindi inaasahang pagkakataon, nasabi ni Daddy ang tungkol sa akin.

"Pesteng Isabella 'yan! Wala na talagang magawa sa buhay iyang babaeng 'yan."

"She had her reasons to get mad at me..."

"No! Hindi dapat siya magalit sa'yo! You're innocent. Kung magagalit man siya, dapat sa Daddy mo! It was your father-"

"Kung hindi dahil kay Daddy, wala ako ngayon. Buti nga at hinayaan niya pang mabuhay ako, e. Buti nalang rin at pinanagutan niya ako."

Ano kaya ang naging reaksyon niya nang malaman niyang buntis ang tunay kong ina at siya ang ama? Masaya kaya siya? O sinubukan niyang kumbinsihin ang nanay ko na ipalaglag ako?

I bet he's mad. Syempre, sino ba naman ang gustong sumira sa almost perfect niyang pamilya di ba?

"Do you know where your real mother is?"

"She's dead."

I heard Ryan gasp. Halatang hindi inaasahan ang narinig.

"Oh, Sam..."

"I know. It sucks, right? Kung kailan nalaman ko ang totoo, tsaka ko rin nalaman na wala na ang tunay kong nanay. I didn't even get the chance to see her in person."

He made me rest my head on his shoulder at hinayaan akong sabihin sakanya ang lahat.

"I just don't know who I am anymore... I feel like I lost a part of myself and I don't know where to find it." umiling ako at pinalis ang mga luhang bumagsak sa aking pisngi.

"I'm supposed to be strong... I'm supposed to l-learn how to handle this... but I can't... I j-just can't. I'm scared that this feeling is never gonna go away and I wanted to be better... I want to get better for Zach... for u-us... because he deserves that and I... can't keep doing this... I..."

Hindi ko na natuloy pa ang sinasabi ko dahil sa pagsinghap ko. My chest is hurting from crying again.

"It's okay to break down, Sam... It's okay to cry... But you don't have to give up. Even if you think that the world is falling upon your shoulders, just think that we're here... we're here for you and you're not alone."

Tumango ako sakanya. Ryan just knows all the right things to say. Kahit na hindi sapat iyon para pagaanin ang pakiramdam ko, I know that he means it. He means everything he says.

He was there when I moved out from our house five years ago. He was there when Xander cheated on me with Alisha. He was there when Zach didn't choose me and he was also there when Zach finally did.

And now... he's still here when I found out that I'm an illegitimate child. He stayed with me from the very beginning. He was there when I started to feel pain. He was just... there.

And I don't know what I'll do without him. He's the only family I have.

Nagkulong ako ng ilang araw sa kwarto. I locked myself up and I did not let anyone enter the room. Not even Ryan. Especially Zach.

I don't want them to see me still breaking because I told them that I'll get better. I'll get better in days and I don't want them to know that I lied. Because I'm still not okay.

No matter how hard I try to get better, I just can't... I can't... and I want to get better but I just can't!

"Come on, Sam, it's been days since you left this room. Come outside. I brought you foods." Narinig kong sinabi ni Zach sa likod ng pinto.

Tiningnan ko lang ang nakasarang pinto at nagtataka... bakit kaya hindi niya nalang ako iwan? He deserves someone better. He deserves someone more than me.

He deserves someone who will give him everything and I can't... because I'm lost. And I don't have everything... I'm left with nothing.

"Sam, baby... please come outside. I'm starting to get worried."

Sa pang-apat na araw na pagkukulong ko, wala atang oras na hindi siya kumakatok sa pinto upang magmakaawa na papasukin ko siya. I stared at the door blankly. Sa tuwing nararamdaman kong wala siya doon, lumalabas ako upang kuhanin ang dala niyang pagkain. Then after I ate, ilalabas ko lang iyon at magkukulong nang muli.

But most of the time... I don't dare to touch the food the he gives me.

I was lying in bed when I heard the rattling sounds of keys. Agad akong napalingon sa pinto. I know he will eventually do this. He gave me enough space and I know he can't take this anymore.

He's tired just like me.

Zach, if you're tired... just leave me...

I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep even when I'm not. I heard him sigh once he entered the room.

"I know you're awake." Aniya. Hindi ako kumibo.

"Come on. Get up." 

Nagulat ako sa biglaang pagdiin ng kanyang boses. He sounded so angry yet he's still keeping it all together. Napamulat ako ng aking mga mata nang dahil doon. Nang tingnan ko siya sa kanyang mga mata, all I see is pain. The vulnerable Zach that I know before is back and I'm scared. I'm scared that this Zach came back because of me.

Lumapit siya sa akin.

"Get up." Utos niya. Hindi parin ako kumibo. I only stared at him.

"I said get up." He sounded like he's looking his patience.

He holds my arm and tries to help me get up. "Get up, Sam. Damn it!"

"Leave me alone."

That was the only thing that I said because that's the thing that I want him to do.

"I swear if you don't get up..."

"Just leave me alone."

"Get up goddamn it!" He shouted.

"Leave me alone!" I shouted back.

Napaupo ako sa kama nang dahil doon. He looks shocked when I shouted back, para bang hindi inaasahan na gagawin ko iyon.

"How long do you plan to stay here huh? How long do you plan to lock yourself up? Hanggang kailan, Sam?! Hanggang kailan mo gustong magalala ako para sa'yo? Hanggang kailan?!"

Hindi ako sumagot. He's breathing so hard because he's mad. I can see it from his chest. The way that he's breathing, I know that he's mad.

"I know that there's a lot going on right now. I know you're scared. I know you're hurt. I know you're afraid... But I am, too, Sam! I'm afraid!"

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin sakanya.

"I'm afraid of you! I'm afraid that you feel helpless and hopeless. And I'm afraid because I think you're scared to be scared, and I understand... I know it's scary... I know it hurts. But the only way to heal the pain is to heal each other. And I wanna heal you! I wanna stop this pain for you because I want you to stop being scared..."

His voice broke. I think my heart broke, too, when I heard his voice breaking.

"I'm afraid of you because I'm afraid for you. I-I don't want you to feel hopeless," he almost whispered. A tear streamed down his face. I wanted to wipe it away but I just can't.

I looked up the ceiling. Baka sa ganitong paraan, mapigilan kong bumagsak ang mga luha ko.

"I don't want to lose you! I want you to stay because I feel like I'm losing you every single day and it's making me go crazy!"

Tuluyan ko nang ipinikit ang aking mga mata dahil alam ko na sa oras na ito, hindi ko na kaya pang pigilan ang sarili ko na umiyak. It hurts to see Zach crying in front of me. It hurts to see him beg for me to stay with him.

I see myself in him. I see myself doing the same last year and it hurts to see that he's the one doing it right now.

"You can do this, Sam. I believe in you so much. So please... stop. You're breaking yourself more by locking yourself inside this room. Come outside and be with me. Please, baby, come outside..." he sounded so desperate.

"You're already losing me..." my voice broke. Agad siyang nag-angat ng tingin sa akin at nag-aalalang tumingin.

"No..." his forehead creased. Lumapit siya sa akin. He kneeled in front of me at kinuha ang magkabilang kamay ko.

"No, Sam..."

"You're losing me... slowly... I-I have nothing left. I-I'm gone..."

"No... you're not. You have me, baby, you have me!"

"I don't deserve you."

Umiling siya. He tightened his hold on me. Iniwas ko ang tingin ko sakanya at ibinaling nalang ito sa iba pang bagay.

"You do! I-I wanted to do something good for you! I-I wanted t-to save you from the pain you're going through. I wanted... you."

"I think it's best if-"

"No..." he kissed my knuckles habang paulit ulit na sinasabi iyon. "No... you don't think what's best because it's you that's best for me... please..."

"I'm sorry..." I whispered. "But you don't deserve someone who's broken... you told me before that you don't want me in your mess, right? I want you to do the same. I don't want you to get involved in my mess."

His mouth parted. Parang nakuha na niya ang nais kong iparating. I've been thinking about this for quite some time now. Ako na rin ang nahihirapan sakanya. I don't want to hurt him more...

"Sam, no..."

"Let's break up, Zach."