Song: For The Love Of A Daughter- Demi Lovato 

Father 

I zipped my bag para sa huling bagahe na dadalhin ko ngayon. I'm leaving this house. I'm leaving our house.

I can't stay here anymore especially when we already broke up. He cried and beg for me not to do it. But I already made up my mind. It will only hurt him more if we'll keep on doing this.

Iniisip ko lang siya. Iniisip ko lang ang posibleng mangyari kapag tinuloy pa namin 'to.

Binuksan ko ang pinto ng kwarto at hinila na palabas ang maletang dala ko. I packed all my things with me. Sinigurado kong wala akong iiwang gamit dito.

When I closed the door, agad na bumungad sa akin si Zach. Tiningnan niya ang mga gamit ko. Then he brought his gaze back to my eyes again. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin at naglakad na upang lagpasan siya.

Ramdam ko ang pag-sunod niya ng tingin sa akin. Hindi ko nalang pinansin pa iyon. Naaalala ko pa ang nangyari kagabi.

"You'll get over this. I'll help you get over this. Just please don't do this, Sam... I can't let you do that."

Kitang-kita ko sa kanyang mga mata ang pagmamakaawa. Gustong gusto kong bumigay at wag na siyang iwan ngunit nakapagdesisyon na ako. I already made up my mind.

I'm only doing this for him. For us.

"I'm sorry..."

Sa tingin ko wala na akong ibang masabi sakanya kung hindi ito lang.

"No, Sam... please... I can't let you leave me."

"I'm done, Zach... I've had enough. No matter what I do or what I choose, everything just feels so wrong. I'm what's wrong. And I can't do anything about it... If I'm not hurting myself, I'm hurting everyone around me. I'm hurting you!"

He shakes his head. He kisses my knuckles a lot of times.

"I don't want you to become afraid, too. You're already done being afraid, Zach. A long time ago. And it's time for me to do the same... You got over Cindy's death without me by your side... I know I'll do the same, so please... just let me..."

Inangat niyang muli ang kanyang mga mata sa akin. He opened his mouth ngunit wala ni isang salita ang lumabas doon. He pressed his lips into a thin line.

He probably thinks the same when he pushed me away last year. At ngayon, sobrang naiintindihan ko kung bakit niya nagawa sa akin iyon. I know that he understands it, too. He's been through this.

"Zach, I love you enough... to let you go."

I stopped in my tracks before I open the door para makaalis na. Naramdaman kong sinusundan niya ako habang palayo ako sa kanya.

Last night I watched him left the room because I forced him to.

I turned to look at him again. Tinaasan niya ako ng kilay at mukhang naghihintay sa susunod kong gagawin.

"I..." I started. Binitawan ko ang bag na dala ko at sinubukang lumapit sakanya. Pero agad rin naman akong huminto nang may napagtanto.

If I really want to do this, I shouldn't come close to him... anymore. I need to give him some distance. Some space... because if I will not do that, I'm sure... I will come back to him and I couldn't break my decision.

"I just want t-to say I'm sorry... and thank you... for everything... for everything that you've done and I-"

"Don't speak to me like you're really leaving me. You're not walking out of my life."

"Z-Zach... I'm..."

"I'll wait for you. Until you're done healing yourself."

"You can't do that." I said softly. "I-It... will take a lot of time."

"I don't care. Why? Do you expect me to find someone else while you're away?"

No... and I don't think I want you to.

But... he deserves someone better. That's the only good thing that I can ever think about to pay him back for everything he did.

Hindi ako sumagot. Nanatili lang akong nakatingin sakanya.

"I'm not walking away from you. Not again. I let you broke up with me, you let me wait for you." He sounded so serious.

Huminga ako ng malalim at sinubukang tumango. If that's what he wants to do then I'm going to let him... that's the least I can do for him after I messed everything up between us.

I clenched my jaw, inangat ko ang tingin ko sakanya.

"Okay..."

Ang dami ko pang gustong sabihin sakanya ngunit nawalan yata ako ng lakas ng loob. I want to say how sorry I was that we have to cancel our plans on getting married just because of my state right now. Ang tagal naming pinagisipan, ang tagal naming pinlano... ngunit nawala lang ang lahat ng iyon nang dahil sa akin.

He probably knows that I'm going to Ryan. I mean... saan pa ba ako pupunta? Wala na akong ibang pupuntahan pa.

Hindi na ako nakapagpaalam pa dahil lumabas na agad ako ng pinto at nagtungo sa sasakyan ko. Hindi narin ako lumingon pa dahil ramdam ko ang panonood niya sa pag-alis ko. Bago ko tuluyang paandarin palayo sa bahay na ito ang sasakyan, I look at him for the last time.

He looks so serious when I look at him. I saw his jaw clenched. I sigh and let myself drive away from him.

When I knocked on Ryan's door. Agad niya namang binuksan ito. He knows what I did because I told him kaya hindi na rin siya nagulat na nandidito ako ngayon.

Tinulungan niya akong kuhanin ang iba kong gamit. Nakita ko rin naman si Tony na tumayo upang salubungin ako. He hugged me once he sees me.

"Have you eaten already?" tanong niya. Umiling ako.

Pagkagising ko, ang pagiimpake agad ang inasikaso ko. I didn't have the time to eat.

Tony smiled at me. "Come on... I've prepared something. Let's eat."

He rests his hand on my back to guide me towards the kitchen. Dito sila sa condo ko dati nananatili. They rearranged everything. Mas maluwag na ngayon. Sa tingin ko rin ay inalis na nila iyong mga pinagbibili ni Ryan noon.

Habang kumakain ay nanatili lang akong tahimik.

"I heard that the casting in Victoria's Secret Fashion Show already started. Laura is curious if you want to try out again." Ani Ryan. Nilingon ko siya.

"I'm not..." simple kong sinagot.

And I don't think I can even work after everything that has happened.

"Oh... okay," Ryan didn't argue more kahit na alam kong gusto niyang subukan kong muli.

Hindi ko kayang magkunwari sa harap ng camera kapag sinubukan kong muli na sumali doon. We all know that, that show consists of happy models. And I'm not one of those.

Nasa kwarto ako at inaayos ang gamit nang pumasok si Ryan.

"You need help?" he asked. Tiningnan ko ang mga gamit ko. Marami sila at hindi ko yata kakayanin kung ako lang mag-isa ang mag-aayos nito.

"Yeah."

He sat beside me and he immediately helped me in arranging my clothes.

"How are you doing?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't know. I don't know if what I did will make me feel better."

Lumapit siya sa akin upang mahawakan ako sa kamay. Nabitawan ko ang damit na sinusubukan kong tupiin nang dahil sa ginawa niya. He looks at me worriedly.

I bite the inside of my cheeks to try and stop the tears. Crying everyday just don't make sense to me at all! Nagtataka nga ako kung nauubos pa ba ang mga luha ko, e. Because to me, it seems like they don't. And they're telling me that they don't want to stop falling.

"Everyday is just a struggle, Ryan. I keep on fighting the same demons, I keep on thinking about my problems, I just... keep on thinking and I want to stop it! I want to stop thinking because this is unhealthy! Thinking makes me lose my mind! It makes me do some stupid things like... breaking up with Zach." I whispered the last sentence.

Simula nang makarating ako dito sa condo unit nila Ryan, wala atang oras na hindi ko iniisip si Zach. Iniisip ko kung anong ginagawa niya. But I can't keep on doing that... the more that I think about him, the more I remember the look on his face when he sees me hurting.

"A few days ago, I find out that I'm an illegitimate child and now... I broke up with Zach," my voice broke. "And I don't really know myself anymore... I'm just... done... so, so done."

Kinuha ni Ryan ang ulo ko at hinayaan akong umiyak sa kanyang balikat. This is the second time I cried today. Sa sobrang pag-iyak ko, nabilang ko na kung ilang beses akong umiiyak kada araw.

Lima.

Agad kong pinalis ang aking mga luha nang makarinig kami ng katok sa pinto. Nilingon ni Ryan iyon. I tried to bring back my composure again nang makita ko si Tony sa labas ng pinto.

He gave Ryan a meaningful look. Nilingon naman ako ni Ryan. I nodded at him para sabihin sakanya na ayos lang na iwan niya muna ako dito.

Narinig kong nagbubulungan sila. Hindi ko alam kung anong pinag-uusapan nila pero mukhang may problema. Inangat ko ang tingin ko nang makita kong pumasok muli si Ryan. He sighed heavily before speaking.

"It's your father... he's outside..."

My mouth parted. I never expected this. Hindi ko inaasahang bibisitahin niya ako ngayon. Paano niya naman nalaman na nandito ako? Did Zach tell him? I doubt it. He doesn't know where Zach and I used to live!

My father going here just doesn't make sense.

"Do you want me to..." hindi naituloy ni Ryan ang kanyang sasabihin at hinintay nalang ako na magsalita.

"No, let him stay..." sabi ko.

Ang sabi ko sa kwarto nalang na ito kami mag-usap. Kung doon pa sa may sala, nakakahiya sakanila Ryan at Tony, sila pa ang mag-aadjust para lang hindi marinig ang usapan namin. Mas maayos na rin na dito kami sa kwarto mag-usap, mas pribado.

Kinuha ko ang lahat ng damit na nakakalat pa sa sahig at dali-daling pinasok ito sa loob ng cabinet para hindi na makita pa ni Daddy. Plinantsa ko ang aking pantalon gamit ang aking kamay at pinalis ang mga natuyong luha sa aking mukha.

I sat on my bed while I wait for my father to enter the room.

Agad ko namang binagsak ang aking tingin sa aking mga daliri nang makita ko na siyang papasok. Nang iangat ko ang tingin ko sakanya, nakita kong pinapasadahan niya ng tingin ang buong kwarto. This is my room since the beginning.

Simula nang kinuha ko itong unit, itong kwarto na ito ay akin na talaga. Ang tinutulugan nila Tony at Ryan ngayon ay ginawa kong guest room noon. The guest room is actually bigger than my actual bedroom.

I prefer tiny spaces that why I chose to get this one.

"You really have a nice condo unit." Panimula niya.

"Uhh, sakanila Ryan at Tony na po ito."

"I see..."

Nilingon niya ako. I pressed my lips into a thin line. Medyo kinabahan ako nang makita kong papalapit siya sa akin. Tumabi siya sa akin sa kama.

"You're probably wondering why I'm here."

Hindi ako sumagot kasi tama siya. Kanina pa talaga ako nagtataka. I don't think he could do such thing like visiting me. He's never done it before.

This is new to me.

"Sam," he called.

Nang tawagin niya ang pangalan ko hindi ko alam kung anong nararamdaman ko. May halong kirot at pagkatuwa ang nararamdaman ko. His voice sounded so gentle... so fatherly...

I sighed because he never used this tone to me before. And I didn't know that the feeling of relief can only be found in my father's voice.

"I know that the past few days have been so hard for you..."

"Years," I corrected.

Hindi siya kumibo. Parang pinapakita na sumasangayon siya sa pagtatama ko sa sinabi niya.

"I know..." he said.

Bumaba muli ang tingin ko sa aking mga daliri. Iniiwasan ang mga mata ni Daddy.

"I'm sorry... anak," my breathing hitched when he addressed me that. Mabilis akong napalingon sakanya sa gulat na tawagin niya akong ganoon. I see sincerity in his eyes.

"If I've never been a father to you... I just... had to," dagdag niya. Kumunot naman ang noo ko.

What does he mean by that? He had to? He had to hurt me purposely? He had to act like such a ruthless father to me? Is that what he means by that?

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Calliope and I was just starting our relationship when I got her pregnant. I know everything is so fast and I-I didn't want to become a father at that age... but Calliope forced me to. She told me that we need to let the child inside her tummy live. And so we did.

"Your mother was my best friend. I tell her everything. I tell her about Calliope and our state and she listens to me. She listens to me every time. We knew we both love each other so much pero alam kong hindi talaga kami pwede. We're just supposed to be friends. We can't be more than that... I keep on seeing her para sabihin ko sakanya ang problema ko. Calliope heard about it and she wanted your mother gone in my life but I didn't let her.

"I loved your mother so dearly that I just couldn't let her get away from me. I ran away with her. I couldn't handle Calliope anymore. She forces me on things that I didn't want to commit. She forces me with everything. She's like the dictator of my life. And your mother... I just want to be with her."

Nilingon niya ako at hinawakan niya ang kamay ko. "You look so much like your mother. And every time I see you, you always remind me of how much I loved her. And Calliope didn't like that. I had to treat you differently dahil ayokong isipin niya na mas mahal ko parin ang nanay mo kaysa sakanya. Your mother is the only woman I have ever loved next to Calliope. And when she died, I lost myself.

"At ikaw lang ang natatanging nagpapaalala sa akin ng pagmamahal ko sakanya. And I'm sorry, Sam, for everything that I did to you. For forcing you into something you don't want to. I just had to do it, okay? I didn't have any intentions of hurting you. I love you more than anything else and I'm deeply sorry because I didn't tell you the truth.

"It's to protect you, Sam. Pero hindi ko alam na nalaman na pala ni Isabella ang tungkol sa totoo mong pagkatao noon palang. She even told Caitlyn about it. I did everything to protect you, pero hindi ko magawa lalo na't may humahadlang sa akin."

I bit my lip and let the tears fall.

This is the third time I'm crying today.

"I just want to say that I'm so proud of you. So proud of what you have become... so proud of what you have achieved. I think that the proudest moment of my life was when I saw you come up on that stage to receive your medal. I know that I should be the one doing that but I can't..."

"You were there?"

"Of course! I couldn't miss that special day. I know you're gonna do well."

Tinakpan ko ang mukha ko at hinayaan na muling umiyak. I heard him chuckled. Inilapit niya ako sakanya upang mayakap.

"If you think I didn't know much about you... you're wrong. I know you more than that Zach guy knows you," he joked. I pouted. "You have a habit of not checking your card balance. Makita mo lang na may pera pa doon ay ayos na sa'yo. So, what I did, I transfer money on your account to make sure that you still have enough money to live every single day without me. You managed to pay for your fees because of that. You managed to pay for this unit because of that.

"I know you earn a lot but I know that isn't enough to pay for everything. I was at the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show last year to watch you nail that runaway. I'm just so proud of you... I actually have a collection of your magazine and I kept in hidden in my office. I didn't want anyone to know that I'm your biggest fan." He laughs. Mas idiniin ko ang sarili ko sakanya. I cried harder.

After all, he's been a father to me... without me knowing... he makes sure that he's doing things that a father should be doing with his daughter. He's been my father from afar.

Hindi man harap-harapan, sapat na sa akin na malaman ko iyon. At least... I know that he cares for me. Because all my life, I thought that he didn't. I thought that he despises me even though he doesn't.

"D-Dad..." I cried again for him. He rubbed my back gently. 

"When is the wedding?" tanong niya. Napaangat ako ng tingin sakanya.

"We broke up."

His mouth parted. "Why?"

I shrugged my shoulders. I think that he gets what I mean by that.

"Oh... I'm sorry..."

"It's okay... it really happens."

"What's her name?" I asked. Binago ang usapan. "My mother? What's her name?"

He scoffs. "Greyshel."

Napangiti ako doon. "You named me after her!"

"Of course,"

I hugged my father so tight. I closed my eyes to feel his warmth for the first time. I've been longing for this since I was a teenager.

And seeing that I finally have it now... seeing that I no longer need to long for it... somewhat helps me recover some lost fragments of myself. My father is one of the missing pieces in my puzzle. And I still have to look for some in order for me to achieve my goal. I think that this is the start.

This is the start of making my life better.