Song: These Broken Hands Of Mine- Joe Brooks

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"Ryan, chill... everything's going to be fine." I tried to calm him down because he's panicking.

Today is his wedding with Tony. Isang taon nilang pinaghandaan ang kasal na ito at masasabi kong maganda talaga ang kinalabasan.

Bumalik muli siya sa salamin upang tingnan ang sarili.

"Do I really look okay?" he asked.

"You are stunning. You don't need to worry. Okay?"

He sighed. Tiningnan niyang muli ang kanyang itsura sa salamin. Then he turns to me again. Nagaalala siyang tumingin sa akin.

"Is it normal to get nervous on your wedding day?"

Nagkibit ako ng balikat dahil hindi ko alam ang isasagot.

"I don't know! I'm not yet married!"

Inirapan niya ako. He fanned himself, halatang ninenerbyos para sa kasal niya ngayon. We came back to New York after two months of staying in the Philippines. Kasama ko sila nang bumalik kami dito.

Zach and I... are still not together.

Hindi ko na rin siya nakakausap. He really did what I asked him to do and somewhat I'm grateful for that. I hope he's doing well.

Last week, I read an article that features Zach. May kasama siyang babae doon sa picture na iyon at mukhang nasa party. Sabi doon sa article, bali balita raw na ito na ang bago niyang dinedate.

I smiled a little at that article. At least... he can be with the girl he no longer need to fix.

Pero hindi ko rin maidedeny na nasaktan ako nang nakita ko iyon. I knew that he's going to find someone else. That's not impossible for a guy like him. Girls actually line up for him.

It's been ten months since I learned that I'm an illegitimate child. It's also been ten months since Zach and I broke up.

Naging regular na rin ang pag-uusap namin ni Daddy ng patago. Naiintindihan ko naman kung bakit niya ginagawa iyon. Ang sabi niya, kapag nalaman nila na nagkikita o nag-uusap kami, baka kung anong gawin nila sa akin. Lalo na si Ate Isabella.

Alam mo naman 'yun... ang sabi nga ni Ryan, wala na daw iyon magawa sa buhay.

Now, I can say that I'm finally okay... I've never been better. I felt relieved since my father told me everything. I felt... alive again.

When I said that I will never be okay... I lied. I proved myself wrong. After all, I can be okay. I can feel alive again. Because I learned that no one can save us from this pain but ourselves. I can't remain unsaved... I need to save myself.

I also think that we become stronger when we break. It's like we put our broken parts together and becomes a whole new person. A new stronger and wiser person. I think we can always find something beautiful in broken things.

That's why I choose to see the goodness in me. I choose to stop thinking about people who don't care about me. I choose to focus on people that will be there for me through everything.

I choose light. Goodbye, darkness. You've been my friend for a long time. But it's time to let you go.

Sabay kaming napalingon ni Ryan sa pinto nang may narinig kami na kumatok.

"It's time." Ani isa sa mga organizers ng kasal nila ni Tony.

Nilakihan niya ako ng mata at hinawakan ng maigi ang kamay ko. Kinuha ko naman ang bouquet of flowers na para sa akin at hinawakan na ito.

I'm wearing a red gown because this is Ryan and Tony's wedding theme color. Ngumiti ako sakanya.

"Mauna na ako," sabi ko. He gritted his teeth, halatang kinakabahan parin talaga.

"What if I trip?" he asked. I chuckled.

"You're not even wearing heels?"

Bumaba ang tingin niya sa kanyang mga paa. Nagbuga siya ng malalim na hininga nang mapagtantong tama nga ang sinasabi ko.

He's just nervous.

At isa pa, sure naman ako na hindi siya iiwan ni Tony sa altar. Tony will be there! I'm 100% sure of that.

Habang palabas ako ay nakita ko ang mga magulang ni Ryan. I smiled at them and they did the same. Agad na lumapit sa akin ang mommy niya.

"How is he?" she asks.

"He's nervous. Very nervous."

She bit her lip. "Me, too. I'm nervous! Kaya dapat hindi na siya kabahan dahil parehas kaming kakabahan habang naglalakad kami."

"Hon, hindi 'yan! Ako ang bahala diyan sa anak natin. Tsaka, sigurado naman ako na kapag nakita na niya si Tony, ayos na 'yun."

Tumawa ako. Tama nga naman siya. I think Ryan's only nervous because he thinks that Tony will leave him hanging. Pero imposible iyon! Pumayag pa siyang magpakasal kung pagdududahan niya lang rin pala?

One of the organizers instructed us to enter the hall now. Si Inggy ang nasa harap ko. She smiled sweetly at me.

"You look very beautiful, Ate Sam!" aniya.

I leaned down a little so I can pinch her cheek. "You, too."

Inayos ko muli ang postura ko nang marinig ko nang tumugtog ang wedding song nila Ryan. I smiled at the crowd when they all turned to the door para hintayin na ang ikakasal.

Inggy walked first at pagkatapos niya naman ako. I smiled at the sea of people. Ngunit sa dinami-rami ng tao dito, iisang pares lang ng mga mata ang nakita ko.

Ang kay Zach.

Hindi na ako nagulat pa na makita ko siya dito. Of course, he will get invited!

Nanatili akong nakangiti. There's no reason to get sad just because he's here. I'm glad that he's here. Pinagpatuloy ko naman ang paglalakad hanggang sa mapunta na ako sa pinakaharap. Pumwesto ako sa aking upuan at hinintay nang maglakad ang kaibigan ko patungo sa kanyang mapapangasawa.

Ryan immediately started crying once he sees Tony waiting for him. Tony won't ditch him on their wedding. They've been waiting for this for such a long time!

At tsaka... sayang 'yung gastos noh!

Pinalis ni Ryan ang kanyang mga luha nang maharap na sila sa magkakasal sakanila. Tony held his hand so tight like he doesn't want Ryan to let go. Baka kasi sa sobrang kaba ni Ryan... bigla 'yun tumakbo.

Mabilis na nagsimula ang seremonyas para sa kasal nila. Nakangiti naman ako magdamag. Minsan mapapalingon ako sa gawi ni Zach at makikita ko siyang nakangiti rin sa dalawa. Masaya ako na masaya parin siya hanggang ngayon.

Masaya ako na hindi na rin siya nasasaktan ngayon.

Basta! Masaya ako. Masaya ako para sa lahat. Masaya ako para sa sarili ko. Masaya ako para sa magulang ko. At masaya rin ako para kay Ryan at Tony.

Binalik kong muli ang tingin sa harap at pinakinggan na ang vows nila para sa isa't isa.

I was crying the whole time while they were saying their vows to each other. I've been there since the start of their relationship kaya alam na alam ko kung saan nila pinaghuhugutan lahat ng sinasabi nila sa isa't isa. I've witnessed everything.

Their relationship may not be accepted by all, but they only proved to me that we can love who we want. No matter if it's a girl or a boy. No matter if it's from the opposite gender or from the same gender. The only important thing that matters is that we love.

Because love is everywhere. Without it, there would be no peace on earth.

Pumalakpak kaming lahat nang matapos nilang sabihin ang vows nila para sa isa't isa. I couldn't help but smile while seeing two of the most important people in my life happy. Sa tinginan palang nila sa isa't isa... alam mong mahal na mahal nila ang isa't isa.

Alam mo na ang ibinibigay nilang tingin sa isa't isa ay ang pagmamahalan na panghabang buhay.

"I hereby pronounce you as husband and husband." Ani ng nagkasal sakanila. We chuckled at that. The newly weds did, too.

Unti-unti nilang nilapit ang mukha nila sa isa't isa hanggang sa maglapat na ang labi nila. Happy tears streamed down my face. Nagpalakpakan muli ang mga bisita.

We all stood up as we celebrate their union today. I wiped away my tears and smiled at Ryan when he waved at me. I'm just so happy that he found his forever.

Wala sa sarili akong napalingon sa gawi ni Zach. Nagulat ako nang nakatingin na rin siya sa akin. Hindi napawi ang ngiti ko kahit na nakatingin ako sakanya. Mas lumapad lamang ito nang magkatinginan kami. He looks at me seriously but his eyes are different.

He may seem serious but his eyes look happy. He's happy but he's not showing it.

I pressed my lips into a thin line at inalis na ang pagtingin sakanya. Binalik kong muli ang tingin sa bagong kasal. I couldn't stop clapping for them. Kahit isa lang ako sa mga abay nila, feeling ko ako ang ikinasal dahil sa sobrang kaligayahan na nararamdaman ko.

I suddenly wonder how it feels to get married. At some point, nanghihinayang rin ako na hindi namin naituloy ni Zach ang plano namin noon. And right now, I'm uncertain if that will happen again. It seems that he found someone new.

Sa halip na magalit o mabitter, masaya ako para sakanya. Because there's nothing else I can do. Kahit na hindi ako sigurado na totoo ang nasa article na iyon, inaasahan ko na rin na mangyayari iyon.

As I've said... he's free to find someone else if he can no longer wait for me.

Napagdesisyonan ko na magpahangin sa labas matapos kong kumain. There are a lot of foods served here today and I can't really choose which one to get dahil simula nang bumalik ako sa trabaho, Laura has been so strict about my diet.

Kung hindi kasi pasta, puro karne ang nakahain sa handa nila. But I'm sure Laura will understand if I will eat differently today. Minsan lang naman, e. Tsaka kasal naman ni Ryan!

The reception they got is the same venue when they had their engagement party. Sabi ni Tony ay gustong gusto niya raw talaga ang lugar na ito kaya napagdesisyonan nila na ito nalang rin ang kuhanin.

Tumigil ako sa tapat ng puno at tiningnan ang malinis na tubig. I crossed my arms over my chest. I closed my eyes.

Last month, my father and I visited my mother's grave. We also visited my mother's parents at their province. Apparently, my parents are both from Vigan. They met when they were in high school and since then, they've been inseparable.

Maraming beses na nilang sinubukan na aminin sa isa't isa ang nararamdaman but it never worked out. Kaya siguro tinanggap nalang rin nila na hindi talaga sila para sa isa't isa.

Sabi ni Daddy nung umalis raw silang dalawa ni Mommy upang kumawala kay Calliope ay hindi na nila napag-isipan pa ng husto ang ginawa nila. Sabi niya ay pinagbigyan lang nila ang sarili nila dahil matagal na daw nilang gustong gawin iyon ngunit hindi lang nila magawa dahil hindi pwede.

They wanted to fight for their love but things didn't turn out that way. It always turns out in a different way.

Dad told me that running away with my mother was the best decision he made. Kung hindi niya daw ginawa iyon, wala ako. Walang magpapaalala sakanya kay Mommy.

I met my grandparents, too. They're both so nice at sabi nila ay matagal na daw nilang hinihintay na mabisita ako sakanila. They told me that my mother never got married. He had boyfriends pero hanggang doon lang. Sabi ng lolo ko, si Daddy lang daw talaga ang gustong pakasalan ni Mommy pero... may Calliope na kasi si Daddy ng oras na iyon.

My Mom had hers, too. Pero hindi rin naman nagtagal.

She died when I was five years old. I remember seeing my father devastated during that year. Noong una akala ko nag-away lang sila ni Calliope, 'yun pala nawala na ang tunay kong ina.

Nawala lang ang lahat ng iniisip ko nang marinig kong may nagsalita sa gilid ko. Mabilis kong inangat ang tingin sa taong iyon.

"Deep thoughts?"

Tumabi si Zach sa akin. Nag-iwan siya ng kaunting distansya sa pagitan namin. Tiningnan niya rin ang tubig.

"Uh, no. May naalala lang." sagot ko.

Inipit ko ang buhok ko sa likod ng aking tainga at kinagat ang labi. Kahit ganitong distansya lang sa pagitan namin ni Zach, naghuhurumentado na ang puso ko. Ano pa kaya kung sobrang lapit namin?

Even though I've been apart from him, my feelings for him never changed. Sabi ko kasi na kahit inaayos ko ang sarili ko, hindi magbabago ang nararamdaman ko kay Zach. He's all that matters to me. And I don't think that my feelings for him will fade just like that.

"How are you feeling?" biglang tinanong ni Zach. Napalingon siya sa akin. Ganoon rin ang ginawa niya.

"Better. So much better." Nakangiti kong sinagot. Umangat ang gilid ng kanyang labi.

"I'm glad."

"Me, too."

Nabalot kami ng katahimikan pagkatapos noon. I wanted to ask him something but I know it's not my place to ask that. At tsaka, it only bothers me a little... no... it really bothers me.

I pressed my lips into a thin line para pigilan ang sarili na itanong iyon. But then, I betrayed myself. I miss him.

I miss him so much and I don't know if I can still make it.

"How are you?" I asked. Lumingon siyang muli sa akin.

He smiled at me. Parang natutuwa sa tanong ko.

"Better."

Tumango ako. I gulped and forced to stop myself from asking this stupid question. But I can't!

"Have you found someone else?"

Stupid, Sam! Akala ko ba ayos lang na maghanap siya ng iba tapos ngayon tinatanong mo sakanya 'to!?

"No... don't answer that." I stopped him from opening his mouth. He chuckled.

Sinarado ko naman ang mata ko at hinilot ang sentido. Can't really stop myself once I got curious about him huh?

"No," aniya.

Sinagot niya parin!

Mabilis akong napalingon sakanya. Gulat sa naging reaksyon niya. Akala ko ba...

"You read that article, didn't you?"

I nodded my head at nahihiyang nag-iwas ng tingin. I heard him scoff.

"Don't believe that. It's not true. She's just a friend."

"A... friend, huh?"

Hindi na niya napigilan pa ang sarili na mapangiti. Ngumuso ako. Why is he so happy about this? Dahil ba nararamdaman niya na... nagseselos ako?

"Don't worry... we can never be more than that. I'm reserved for someone else."

My jaw clenched. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang pagtibok ng puso ko. That sentence changes everything.

Inalis ng pangungusap na iyon ang bumabagabag sa akin noong nakaraang linggo pa. I'm worried that he already found someone else. I'm worried that there's a possibility that the article is true.

And I lied when I said that it's okay for him to find someone else and I'll be happy about it. Because it's not! And I will never be happy about it!

"Have you found someone else?"

Hindi agad ako nakasagot sa tanong niya. I don't have time for that.

"No."

"You're also reserved for someone else?" tanong niya nang may ngisi sa labi. Tumawa ako.

"Yeah," walang pag-aalinlangan kong sinagot.

"Ahh... I knew it."

I bit my lip at nagpigil ng ngiti. Nanatili na naman kaming tahimik. Why can't he just ask me to come back to him now? Dahil sasagot rin naman ako! Gusto ko rin namang magkabalikan kami kahit papano noh!

"You know what," he started after a moment of silence. Humarap ako sakanya. "I was supposed to feel happy while watching Tony and Ryan get married. But I didn't. I felt envious."

"Why?"

"Because we were supposed to get married last year."

My mouth parted at hindi na nakasagot pa sa sinabi niya.

"But things happen. And I had to... postpone that plan for a little while, while I'm waiting for you to fix yourself."

Bumaba ang tingin ko sa paa ko. Naramdaman ko siyang lumapit sa akin. Kinuha niya ang kamay ko. Napaangat muli ako ng tingin sakanya.

"That's why when I asked you how are you feeling and you answered me with better. I felt happy. Because I no longer need to postpone that plan."

My eyes felt watery. Gosh! Now I feel so bad! Nang dahil sa akin hindi natuloy ang mga plano niya.

"I'm sorry..." sabi ko. Tinakpan ko ang mukha ko para hindi ipakita sakanya na naiiyak ako.

"Shh. No," sinubukan niyang alisin ang kamay ko. "Don't feel bad about it. I'm happy for you! I'm happy that you finally did what you really want to do for such a long time. I'm so proud of you."

Niyakap niya ako. I miss this. I miss his warmth. I miss me inside his arms. I just... miss everything about him.

I miss us.

Inalis niya ang pagkakayakap sa akin at kinuha niya ang magkabilang pisngi ko. Tiningnan niya ako ng maigi.

"Kaya ngayon, Sam, pwede na ba? Pwede na ba tayo ulit?" his voice broke a little.

His voice breaking only shows me that he's been waiting for this to happen again. And I know if I say no to that question, it will hurt him.

But I won't...

"P-Pwede na... Pwede na, Zach... Pwedeng-pwede na." sabi ko. Ngumiti ako sakanya.

Nilapit niya ako sakanya at mas niyakap ng mahigpit. I hug him tight, too. I'm glad that there will be no more hindrances for this relationship. We can work this about again.

"You don't know how much that makes me happy." Bulong niya. Tumawa ako.

"The long wait is finally over." Tumawa rin siya.

"It was worth it."

Inipit niya ang buhok ko sa likod ng aking tainga at hinaplos niya ang aking pisngi hanggang sa bumaba ang kanyang kamay sa aking panga. Alam ko na ang susunod niyang gagawin.

O diba, kakabalikan lang namin, maghahalikan na agad kami!

But you can't blame us! We missed each other!

Lumapit ako sakanya para mas mapadali na siya sa kanyang gusto gawin. Just when we're about to kiss each other tsaka pa may umepal.

"Oh! There you are!"

Mabilis akong napalingon kay Ryan at Tony. Tiningnan ko sila ng masama. Such a bad timing!

"Brother!" bati ni Tony kay Zach.

Inilayo ko na muna ang sarili ko kay Zach para lumapit na doon sa bagong kasal. I wasn't able to congratulate them a while ago dahil masyadong marami pa ang bumabati sakanila kaya nagpadesisyonan ko na maghintay nalang muna bago ko sila batiin noon.

Niliitan ko ni Ryan ng mga mata habang papalapit ako sakaniya. Tinaasan ko naman siya ng kilay. Nilingon niya si Zach at tinuro ito, para bang tinatanong kung nagkausap kami. Tumango ako at nag-thumbs up sakanya.

Ang sabi ko kasi sakanya noon, handa naman akong bumalik kay Zach. At kung tatanungin niya ako kung pwede na ba ulit kami, mabilis akong sasagot ng oo. Kaya ayun ang ginawa ko.

Tumawa si Ryan.

"Congratulations!" bati ko sakanilang dalawa. I hugged them both.

"Daig mo pa akong umiyak!" reklamo ni Ryan. Pinalo ko siya.

"Masama bang maging masaya para sa'yo?"

Inirapan niya lang ako at hindi na sumagot. Sunod namang bumati sakanila si Zach. Nang matapos iyon ay nag-usap silang dalawa ni Tony. Kami naman ni Ryan... tinitingnan lang sila.

"So... kayo na ulit?" tanong niya. Tumango ako.

"Well, that only means one thing... You're next. You're next, Sam." Sabi niya ng may malaking ngiti sa labi.

Ngumiti rin ako.

I know...