Song: Too Good At Goodbyes- Sam Smith 

New Beginning

One year later.

Life in New York has never been easy. The first few months were completely full of adjustments. I need to adjust a lot of times so that I can fit in with them.

Dahil iba ang nakasanayan ko, iba rin ang kanila. Hindi naman pwedeng sila pa ang mag-adjust para sa akin, e, sila 'yung mas matagal nang nanirahan dito kaysa sa akin.

Ever since I got here, kabi-kabilang shoots na ang lagi kong pinupuntahan. I'm loaded with work. Hindi na ata ako naubusan ng trabaho.

I have also been invited to a lot of events wherein there are lots of famous people in it.

I strive so hard at work so that I can make myself feel better. Malapit ko nang makamit yon. I didn't know that starting over again would be this refreshing. Parang binigyan ulit ako ng panibagong buhay. Para itama ang mga nagawa kong kamalian noon.

I shouldn't waste time grieving about the past. Because the past will serve as a lesson and I should move on from it.

Kaya naman ay sinamantala ko iyon. Since I'm living a new life... Pinaikli ko ang buhok ko. Kung dati ay umaabot pa ito hanggang baywang. Ngayon, hanggang balikat ko nalang ito.

I know doing this is very common for people who really wants to move on, but I don't know... it made me feel better somehow. 

I also put some highlights on my hair. My friends here were shocked to see me with my new hairstyle. Sabi nila ay sayang naman daw ang mahaba kong buhok noon. Ang sabi ko nalang ay naiinitan na ako sa panahon sa New York pero ang totoo talaga ay nag momove on ako.

Moving on from everything.

Moving on from him.

Ganito naman diba kapag nagmomove on? You change something about yourself para hindi mo na makikita pa ang dating ikaw.

I heard that he's been accepted to one of the national teams in NFL. Then good for him. Mas lalo siyang sisikat. Mas lalong mabibigyang pansin ang kakayahan niya.

Sa isang taon ko dito ay marami nang nangyari sa buhay ko. Kung dati ay sikat na international model lang ako... Ngayon ay supermodel na.

I got casted at Victoria's Secret Fashion Show and I got the chance to walk on their runaway last December.

Ryan was so happy nung sinabi ko sakanya iyon. Pumunta pa talaga siya dito para lang mapanood ako. But he only stayed for a while at sa magulang niya na siya tumuloy instead of staying in my apartment.

Kung may oras lang ako para bumibisita sa bahay ng pamilya ni Ryan dito ay ginawa ko na. Kaso, wala lang talaga kong oras dahil sa trabaho ko. Bukod sa kabi-kabilang photoshoots, kailangan ko rin mag-travel dahil minsan doon ginaganap ang ibang shoots.

But I made sure to spend my Christmas with Ryan's family. Si Ryan naman, sa Mexico nag-pasko kasama ang pamilya ni Tony.

Yes, Ryan and Tony are still together. Still going strong.

Mas inlove pa ata sila sa isa't isa ngayon kaysa noon. Kulang nalang ay tumira na sila sa iisang bubong dahil hindi mo na sila mapaghiwalay minsan.

I'm glad that Ryan found his happiness in New York.

I hope to find mine, too. But of course, not now.

My apartment feels so empty nung una kong lipat dito. May mga gamit na naman pero deep inside of me, it feels empty. 

I'm living alone in a two-storey apartment. Nung wala akong magawa ay inayos ko ang interior ng apartment ko. I went with the gray, black, and white theme since I'm not that girly when it comes to the interior of my house.

Labis labis na kasiyahan ang naramdaman ko nang makita ko ang resulta ng apartment ko.

I took a picture of it and showed it to Ryan. Sabi niya ay mas gugustohin niya na daw tumira dito kaysa doon sa unit ko sa Pilipinas because it already looks plain.

Dati naman ay hindi plain looking 'yun. Kung di lang talaga bili ng bili si Ryan ng mga gamit noon sana ay mas mabibigyan pa ng pansin ang interior nito. Pero wala. Natabunan na iyon ng mga pinagbibili ni Ryan.

I also talk to Caitlyn regularly now. Siya lang sa pamilya ko ang natatangi kong kinakausap. I can't see any efforts from my parents that they really want to make it up to me.

"So, anong ginagawa mo dyan ngayon?" Tanong ni Caitlyn. We talk through Skype most of the time.

"Resting. I still have a lot of shoots for tomorrow and I need to attend at least two fittings for the fashion show." Sabi ko sakanya. Tumango siya.

Nakahiga lang ako dito sa sofa habang bukas ang TV. Kahit hindi naman ako nanonood sa kung anong pinapalabas dito ay hinayaan kong nakabukas ito.

Sobrang tahimik kasi kung hindi ko bubuksan.

"Wow. Busy ah? May oras ka pa ba para sa sarili mo?" Tanong niya. I chuckled.

"Of course."

"I'm so glad you're feeling better now." She smiled at me on the screen. I bit my lip.

Do I feel better now? I asked myself.

Maybe... A little.

I feel better because of the work that I have hindi dahil tuluyan ko na siyang nakalimutan.

"Yeah. A little. Pero malapit na." I assured her.

Nagulat ako sa biglaang pagtunog ng doorbell ng apartment ko.

"Cait, I have to get the door. I'll call you later."

Then we hang up. Mabilis akong tumayo para kunin at tingnan kung sino ang nasa pinto. Nagulat ako sa nakita ko. 

What is he doing here? At bakit ang dami niyang dala?

Natulala lang ako sakanya dahil sa gulat. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin. This is so unexpected.

Why didn't he inform me about this?

"Huy, girl! Buksan mo na 'yung pinto!" Sabi ni Ryan.

Kung hindi niya pa sasabihin 'yon ay hindi ko pa mamamalayan na nakatulala lang ako sakanya at hindi pa siya pinapapasok.

I attacked him with a tight hug. God! I missed him so much! I haven't seen him for a long time! Huling kita namin ay nung December pa! He looks slimmer din.

"Oh my gosh! What are you doing here?" Sabi ko nang inalis ko ang pagkakayap ko sakanya. Tiningnan ko naman ang mga dala niyang gamit. "Bakit ang dami mong dala?"

He smiled at me. 

"Surprise!" He raised both of his hands. "I'm living with you from now on, sweetheart!"

My jaw dropped at nagtatatalon sa tuwa. I was really surprised! I really had no idea that he was planning about living with me again!

This gay friend that I have is definitely full of surprises.

I helped him with his baggage. Sobrang bigat ng lahat ng dala niya. Ano ba 'to? Dinala niya ba ang buong unit?

He roamed his eyes around my apartment.

"Oh my god! This is so pretty!" he squealed.

I smiled. "I know! Kaya wag ka ng magbibili ng kung ano-ano kung ayaw mong masira ng interior nito. I worked so hard for this, okay?" Paalala ko sakanya. I rolled my eyes at him playfully.

I hugged him once again. I'm just really glad that he's here again.

"Bakit di ka man lang nagsabi? Paano 'yung unit?" Tanong ko sakanya.

"Duh? Surprise nga, e!" He rolled his eyes at me. "Tsaka pinarenta ko na 'yung unit mo doon. Para naman hindi mabulok diba? Kasi feeling ko wala ka na rin namang balak bumalik dun so... sayang lang."

Sa itsura niya, mukhang wala lang sakanya ang ginawa niyang pagpaparenta sa aking unit. Parang proud pa nga siya na naisip niyang gawin iyon, e. Napailing nalang ako.

Tinignan niya ako mula ulo hanggang paa. Tapos hinawakan niya ang maikli kong buhok.

"And you cut your hair! Tuwing magvivideo call tayo parang mahaba parin ah? It looks good on you!" He ruffled my hair.

"Buhok ng nag momove on." Biro niya. Inirapan ko lang siya.

Nagpunta siya sa kusina para tumingin ng pagkain. I followed him.

"What's with your sudden decision, Ryan?" Tanong ko sakanya.

Binuksan niya naman ang cabinet na may lamang mga pagkain. Kumuha siya ng isang junk food.

"I missed you kaya sumunod ako! It sucks not seeing you all the time kaya noh?" Umirap siya at sumubo ng junk food. "Tsaka, I got a job here. Much better than my job in the Philippines."

Oonga pala mas marami siyang hinahandle na models overseas kaysa sa models sa Pilipinas. Hindi na siya 'yung manager ko dahil binigyan na ako ng iba nung management ko ngayon.

Wala rin namang naging problema kay Ryan dahil it's time for me daw to try something new.

"I'm glad you look much better now." Tipid akong ngumiti pabalik sakanya. "You made the right decision, Sam. I'm so glad."

"Me, too." I said. Trying to avoid thinking about what happened last year.

I hate that I had to break connections with Kelly, too, because of her relationship with Zach. I had to avoid everything that has something to do with him.

I'm trying to forget him kahit hindi nagiging madali.

Pero kinakaya ko.

There are times na napapaginipan ko siya and I'll end up waking up and start crying.

Ganoon ako naging kaemosyonal ng dahil sakanya. Every time na makakakita ako ng bagay na makakapagpaalala sakanya sa akin ay bigla nalang akong nalulungkot.

Ganon kasakit.

Mas masakit pa sa ginawa ni Xander.

Mas ayos pa sa akin na lokohin ako kaysa sa umasang mamahalin ka pabalik ng taong mahal mo.

Because for me, one sided love is the worst kind of love.