Chapter 29

I Died

"May eroplanong nag crash... at si Yael ang piloto."

Walang sabi-sabi ay tumakbo ako papuntang ER. My heart is rapidly beating inside my chest. Libo-libong mga palaisipan ang ruamagasa sa aking utak. Ni hindi man lang natapos ang isang minuto ay nasa ER na ako dahil sa bilis ng aking pagtakbo.

Tumigil ang mundo ko nang makita ko si Yael na nakahiga sa hospital bed. He's surrounded by nurses and a doctor. The pilot suit that he always wears with respect and dignity was suddenly stained by his own blood. Nanlambot ang mga tuhod ko, I don't even know how I still managed to stand here despite that. Binalot ako nang takot at pangamba.

Buong buhay ko ay ngayon lamang ako natakot nang ganito.

"Sir, what's your name?"

"Can you hear me, sir? What's your name?"

The doctor that I couldn't even recognize anymore did a pupil eye test to him using his pen light. He kept asking questions, hoping that Yael would respond. Naaramdaman ko ang pagtapik ni Nick sa likod ko bago siya lumapit doon para tumulong.

Samantalang ako ay nanatili lamang sa kinatatayuan ko. Para akong nabobo, sa mga oras na 'to ay nakalimutan ko lahat ng pinag-aralan ko. Right at this moment I wasn't a nurse, I was the loved one of this patient lying on that hospital bed.

Para akong nabingi nang mag beep iyong machine at nag flat line ang kanyang heartbeat.

From that moment, I died too.

Pakiramdam ko ay tumigil rin ang puso ko sa pagtibok nito, parang akong binuhusan nang malamig na tubig at bigla na lamang namanhid ang aking katawan.

The memories of Yael and I crashed to me like a tidal wave. I didn't know that millions of realization could hit you in just a second.

Narealize ko lahat nang mga nagawa ko sa kanya; narealize ko kung gaano siya nahirapan sa akin. I suddenly felt the urge to make it up to him. Gusto kong bumawi sa lahat nang sakit na idinulot ko sa kanya noon. Gusto kong bawiin iyong mga panahon na nasayang.

Narealize ko kung gaano ko siya kamahal at narealize ko na hindi ko kaya na mawala siya.

I hope it's not too late.

My palm is covering my mouth to prevent my loud cry to be heard. Patuloy lamang ako sa pag-iyak habang nagmamakaawa sa Diyos.

I'm begging Him to give a chance to be with Yael again and I won't mess it up this time. I will never be the same.

"Code blue! Code blue!" someone pressed the cold blue button as the nurses removed the pillows and flatten Yael on the bed. The doctor started to do compressions pero wala pa rin. The e-cart has finally arrived but the doctor still did compressions, trying to revive Yael. I watched as the nurses manage Yael's airway using the ambu bag.

I was shaking and I was so horrified. Parang ano mang oras ay babagsak na lamang ako dito pero pinilit kong patatagin ang sarili ko. Nanatili akong nakatayo rito at pinapanuod ang team na aligaga sa kung paano maire-revive ang buhay ni Yael.

Some even secured a backboard under Yael and then they continued the chest compressions. May pumalit na rin sa doktor para ipagpatuloy ang compression pero wala pa rin.

I can hear my heart breaking and I can feel it shattering. Ang sakit-sakit pala nang ganito. This pain that I'm feeling right now is nothing compared to the pain that I've ever felt before.

I bit my knuckles as I continued crying.

Gustong-gusto ko nang magwala dito at magsisigaw pero alam kong papaalisin nila ako at mag ca-cause lamang ako nang panic sa in charge kaya hangga't kaya ko ay pinigilan ko ang sarili ko.

Yael naman... H'wag namang ganito. H'wag mo naman akong iwan nang ganito.

"Turn the defibrillator on. God, the AED! Turn in on!" The doctor ordered. He's practically yelling at me pero hindi pa rin ako makagalaw dahil hindi ko na alam kung papaano. I'm certain that I also stopped breathing too.

My eyes was fixed with Yael who's still lying on the hospital bed with no pulse. He's lifeless. Kahit kailan ay hindi sumagi sa bangungot ko na makikita ko nang walang buhay si Yael na nakahiga sa isang hospital bed.

Hindi ko alam kung ilang luha na ang nailuha ko. Sumasakit na ang ulo ko. I'm even feeling nauseous.

"I'll do it, doc. Leave her alone." Si Nick na gumawa noong inuutos ng doktor. They placed the defib pads on Yael's bare chest.

"Charge 250."

I saw how Yael chest lifted but still no pulse. Wala pa rin! God! Bakit, wala pa rin?

"Baby, please... Fight for me. Stay with me." Basag na ang boses ko at nanlalabo na ang mga mata ko dahil sa mga luha.

"Don't leave me this soon. Hang on, baby. Be brave for me, Yael... Please, please. I beg you..."

Mariin akong pumikit at yumuko habang sa mga kamay kong nakasalikop.

God, I'm begging You. I'm willing to trade everything I have, even my own life. Just let him live, please. He's my everything and I can't imagine a day without him. To lose him is like dying a thousand times. Without him is pure torture and chaos.

Hindi. Ko. Kaya.

"Charge 300."

Mabilis kong iminulat ang mga mata ko nang marinig ko ang muling pag tunog nang makina. I touched my chest and I felt my heart started beating again. He's revived and I'm alive again.

"Oh, Jesus Christ!" I heard the doctor's relief reaction. Yael's pulse is back but the team is still monitoring him. Para akong nabunutan nang tinik at bigla na lamang lumakas ang paghagulgol ko. Thank God! Thank you God! Thank you!

I nearly lost him. I thought I'm gonna lose him. Kaagad akong nilapitan ni Nick at niyakap. Niyakap ko siya pabalik nang sobrang higpit dahil kinakailangan ko ng suporta. Nanghina ako sa nasaksihan ko. Seeing the love my life fighting death is the most terrifying thing that I've ever witnessed.

I died when he flat lined and I was revived when his heart starts beating again. This man, he's my half. Without him I am nothing.

"It's okay... He's okay." Pagtatahan niya sa akin.

"We're losing her!"

"God, no!"

"Code blue! Code blue!" Nick and I both stiffened when someone pressed the cold blue for the second time.

Awtomatiko kaming naghiwalay ni Nick at tumingin sa kinaroroonan ni Yael. His pulse is stable. I felt relieved.

Saka lang namin napagtanto na iyong katabing pasyente naman ni Yael ang nawalan ng pulse. I saw Ryan surrounded by the whole team. Nagbaba ako nang tingin doon sa pasyente niya na nasa hospital bed. Kasalukuyan nitong nakatalikod dahil naglalagay sila ng backboard sa ilalim ng pasyente.

"Fuck, no... Nakalaban ka na kanina, lumaban ka ulit!" Matigas na sabi ni Ryan na sapat na upang marinig nang iilan.

Nang ihiga na nila ito nang maayos ay para akong tinakasan ng dugo nang makita ko kung sino iyon.

"A-Ariana..." hinarap ko si Nick.

"Nick si Ariana! Kapatid ni Yael!" muli nanaman akong nakaramdam ng panic.

Sabay kaming tumakbo ni Nick sa kinaroroonan niya. Ryan is currently doing chest compressions while the others are managing the airway using the ambu bag. Muli nanamang tumulo ang mga luha ko. God, I'm going to beg again. Alam kong kalabisan na ito pero hindi po deserve ni Ariana ang ganito.

"Everybody clear..." aniya at inalis iyong ambu bag kay Ariana.

"Defib pads," utos ni Ryan sa kanyang team. No one dared to move. Tiningnan ko si Ariana at awtomatikong lumipad ang palad ko sa aking bibig upang ikulong doon ang mga hikbi ko.

One look and you'd see... it's already her time. Nawawalan na siya nang kulay at nangingitim na ang kanyang mga labi.

Looking at her like now is like staring at the White Queen in the movie Alice in Wonderland. She's so pale yet so beautiful. Oh God, no. I felt a hard pang on my chest while shaking my head. No.

"She lost too much blood..." Nick whispered. I know we see this situation in the same perspective. But in spite of that, we were just nurses and doctors. Aside from the medical science that we always relay on, there's also such thing called "miracle".

When science fails, miracle will do the work. That's what most people believe—including me. If God allows something to happen, nobody could stop that thing from happening. Not you, not the president, and not even the queen of England.

Ryan snapped at the team's direction. He looked at them with bloodshot eyes.

"I said I need the defib pads," matigas nitong ulit. Lalo akong naiyak. I know that even though he's a doctor, he's still hoping for Ari's miracle. He's a man of science but this time, he's not.

"Dr. Ryan she's bleeding to death due to internal hem—"

"Give me the damn defib pads!" sigaw niya. Walang nagawa ang kanyang team kung hindi sundin ang utos niya. Inihanda nila ang AED at pagkatapos no'n ay iniabot sa kanya ang defib pads.

"Don't make me repeat my goddamn self again." He warned his people before facing lifeless Ariana again. "Charge 250." Aniya at hindi na sila nagmatigas pa at sinunod na lamang ang utos ni Ryan.

He placed the pads on Ari's bare chest. Umangat ang kanyang dibdib pero hindi pa rn siya nagkakaroon ng pulse.

"Charge 300," and he did it again.

"Charge 350," and again.

"Charge 400," I was feeling numb and dizzy while watching Ryan revive Ariana. It was painful to watch. Bawat charge ay parang dinudurog ang puso ko.

Nabalot nang sandaling katahimikan at sunod na inanunsyo ang oras na pinaka mapait para sa lahat nang nakakaririnig.

"Time of death 13:22," He announced, giving her up. Napaupo na lamang ako sa malamig na sahig ng ospital saka ibinaon ang mukha ko sa magkabila kong palad at doon humagulgol ng iyak.

My heart feels so heavy. I have witnessed how Ariana lost her life and how Yael was revived and it was too much to handle. I'm in the verge of losing my mind. I lost a sister and a friend... and I almost lost a lover.

Now I'm about to lose my capability of thinking straight. I don't know how I'm gonna tell Yael about this.

To Yael, Ariana was his everything. His love for his sister was so fierce.

"She's so beautiful, Trix." Unti-unti akong nag-angat ng tingin. Sa una ay hindi ko makita kung sino ang nasa harapan ko dahil sa mga luha ko pero hindi nagtagal ay nakita ko na siya ng maayos. It was Ryan. He's sitting in front of me and his eyes are gloomy.

"She was so painfully beautiful while battling with death... She was so brave, Trix. I was there and I witnessed how brave she was." Aniya at nasabag ang kanyang boses.

"That's why God took her away. He needed a brave angel to be with Him up there," aniya at napayuko. His shoulders began shaking and from that moment I knew.

Ariana was his love at first sight... but too bad that love wasn't given a chance to bloom.

"I didn't even get her number..." Buong pait niyang sabi and I felt that. Naramdaman ko yung sakit.

"Beatrix... I'm sorry to interrupt but do you have Yael's parents contact number?" narinig ko ang marahang boses ni Nick. Pinunasan ko ang mga luha ko at tumango sa kanya. Inalalayan niya akong makatayo at sinamahang maglakad papunta sa locker room. We left Ryan there, taking his time to rebuild himself.

Nanginginig ang mga kamay ko habang kino-contact si tita Yngrid. Nakadalawang ring pa lamang pero sinagot na niya kaagad iyon.

"Tita Yngrid..." napakagat ako sa ibabang labi ko upang pigilan ang paghikbi ko.

"We heard what happened, hija. Papunta na kami ng tito Viktor mo diyan. How's Yael? How's Ariana? How's my sunshine?" Her voice was soft but frantic.

"Yael's fine, tita... He was already transferred in his room."

"Oh thank, God! How about Ariana? How was her, Beatrix? Is my baby, okay?"

Napapikit ako nang mariin sabay kagat sa pang-ibabang labi ko.

"Beatrix?"

"I-I'm sorry, tita..." I heard her gasped from the other line.

"Oh God, no... no..." she kept saying no while sobbing hard.

Mula sa aking tenga ay inalis ko doon ang aking phone at dahan-dahan iyong ibinaba. It was too damn painful to hear a mother's hopeless cry.

"Magpahinga ka muna, Beatrix. Puntahan mo na muna si Yael sa kwarto niya. He'll be needing you when he wakes up."

"Come on, ihahatid kita doon." Marahan niyang sabi at muli akong inalalayan.

"Pinapunta ko na si Kayeleen para may makasama ka sa pagbabantay kay Yael habang hindi pa siya gising." Aniya habang pakasakay kami ng elevator. Wala sa sarili ko akong tumango.

"Salamat, Nick, ha?" sabi ko nang maihatid na niya ako sa harapan ng kwarto ni Yael.

Malungkot siyang ngumiti. "Magpahinga ka, ha? Baka ikaw naman ang mapano." bilin niya at tumango na lamang ako. Tuluyan na siyang umalis at tuluyan na rin akong pumasok sa kwarto ni Yael.

Muli nanamang nagunahan sa pagtulo ang mga luha kong walang kaubusan nang makita ko si Yael.

It's crushing how perfect everything was tapos bigla-bigla na lamang babawiin sa'yo ng traydor na tadhana ang lahat. Kagabi pa lamang ay kausap ko silang dalawa sa skype habang nasa Camiguin sila. They were so happy and they're teasing each other.

Who would've thought that in just one snap, everything that is perfect could turn into something catastrophic?

Things were all good. Hindi ko inaasahan na mangyayari ang ganitong bagay. Napuno nang 'bakit' ang aking isip. Bakit kailangang mangyari ito?

Dahan-dahan akong lumapit kay Yael na wala pa ring malay. He's wearing a hospital gown and there's a hospital bracelet that's wrapped around his waist. There's a white gauge on his forehead that's stained with blood and betadine. May iilang sugat siya sa kanyang braso at mukha. The side of his bottom lip also has a stain of blood on it.

I pulled a chair and placed it beside his bed. Umupo ako doon at kinuha ang kamay niyang mayroong swero. I placed a soft kiss on his hand at napatakan pa iyon ng mga luha ko.

"I will be strong for you, Yael. Ako ang magsisilbing tanggulan mo. I will always be here until the pain stops. We're going to fight your demons together. I'm going to stand still with you and I will do everything in my power to mend your shattered heart. We will find the broken pieces together and we will rebuild them together, piece by piece... That is my promise to you, Yael."

"Be weak and I'll be strong for you; be broken and I'll be still for you. Be angry and I'll be calm for you. I loved you at your best and I'd still love you at your worse."

Nanginginig ang boses kong sabi sa kanya. Tumayo ako mula sa pagkakaupo ko at hinalikan ang kanyang noo. God, sobrang mahal ko siya na dumating na sa puntong pati sakit na hindi pa man niya nararamdaman ay ramdam na ramdam ko na.

-

Kalahating oras na akong nakatulala kay Yael habang wala pa rin siyang malay na nakahiga sa hospital bed. I received a call from Kayeleen awhile ago and she said that both Matthias and she are in Batangas but they're on their way already.

I snapped at the door's direction when I heard the twist of the doorknob.

Napatayo ako mula sa kinauupuan ko nang makita ko sina tita Yngrid at tito Viktor. Kaagad akong sinalubong nang yakap nang umiiyak na si tita Yngrid. Hindi ako nag-atubiling yakapin siya pabalik nang sobrang higpit.

"Diyos ko... Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko." Ang sakit-sakit nang iyak ni tita Yngrid. Muli nanamang nadurog ang puso ko.

"My sunshine... she's gone, Beatrix."

Hindi ako makasagot. Hindi ko alam kung anong sasabihin ko dahil alam ko na wala kahit ni isang salita ang makakapag pagaan sa loob ng isang inang nawalan ng anak.

Niyakap ko lang si tita Yngrid at marahang hinagod ang kaniyang likod. Nang kumalas kami sa yakap ay dumako ang tingin ko kay tito Viktor na kasalukuyang tulalang nakatingin kay Yael. He's silent but his eyes are puffy.

Muli kong ibinalik ang tingin ko kay tita Yngrid na kasalukuyang nanghihinang humahakbang papalapit kay Yael. Humahagulgol niya itong hinagkan sa noo.

"How long has been he's asleep?" tanong sa akin ni tito Viktor. Ang boses niya ay mahina. Tumikhim pa siya pagkatapos niya akong tanungin na para bang pinipilit niya pa ring gawing buo ang boses niya kahit na sobrang sakit na nang mga nangyayari.

"Lampas isang oras na rin po siguro, tito..." sagot ko. Tumango lamang siya habang nakatingin pa rin kay Yael.

"We almost lost him... but luckily, the doctor was able to revive him." Pahayag ko matapos nang ilang sandaling pananahimik. Nag-igting ang bagang ni tito Viktor sabay tingala sa may kisame. Lumakas naman ang iyak ni tita Yngrid at niyakap ang walang malay na si Yael.

"God, my son. God!"

"Bakit kailangang mangyari ito? My daughter is gone and I almost lost a son!" she broke down.

"Naging masama ba akong ina, Viktor? Ano ba'ng mali ang nagawa ko para mangyari ito? Where did I go wrong? Why this cruel thing does have to happen?"

Humakbang palapit si tito Viktor sa asawa niya at niyakap ito.

"Honey, I don't know... I don't know anymore." Nanghihina nitong sagot.

Watching them pains me. One of their hopes was taken away from them. Parang ang hirap magsimula, parang hindi mo alam kung makaka move-on ka pa ba.

Nag-iwas ako nang tingin sa dalawa at nilapitan si Yael. I stood beside from where he's lying. I gently caressed his hair while looking at him with tender and pity.

I was taken aback when suddenly his forehead and brows furrowed. Lumayo ako nang kaunti para matingnan siya nang maayos.

Unti-unti niyang iminulat ang kaniyang mga mata. Medyo nasilaw pa siya noong una pero di nagtagal ay nakakita rin siya nang maayos. His eyes roamed around the room until it found us.

"W-where's Ariana?" was the first thing that came out from his mouth.

Upon hearing that, I shattered.