Song: Numb- David Archuleta

Anxious

I watched as they enter her bloodied body inside the ambulance. May kung anu-ano nang apparato ang mga nakakabit sakanya.

I suddenly don't know how to move. Ever since I confirmed it was her, wala na akong iba pang maisip na gawin kung hindi ang magdasal.

Pinagdadasal na sana hindi siya mawala sa akin, dahil hindi ko kakayanin. Hindi ko kakayanin na mawawala na naman sa akin ang babaeng mahal ko nang dahil sa parehong pangyayari. Cindy died in a car crash, and I hope this won't happen to Sam.

Hinding-hindi ko kakayanin...

Nanatili lang akong nakatingin habang papaalis na ang ambulansya upang dalhin na siya sa ospital. I wanted to curse them so bad for not letting me enter the ambulance. I should be there for her!

I should be there telling her that it's going to be okay... that it's going to be fine... even though it's not. How is this okay when she got into a car accident that can cause her, her life?

This is not okay, Zach... this is not okay...

I should probably move my feet now. I should probably follow wherever they are bringing her. I should do something now, but I can't.

I was frozen in place. Parang bumabalik ang alaala ko noong nakita kong nilalabas ang walang buhay na katawan ni Cindy sa kanyang sasakyan.

Sam was still breathing when the paramedics got her out of the car. It only means one thing... she's fighting. She's still fighting kahit na alam kong mahirap sakanya na gawin iyon.

My baby is very strong... na kahit nahihirapan na siya, lumalaban parin siya.

Kaya wag kang bibitaw, Sam... We are still supposed to end up together. We are still supposed to marry each other.

Ang tagal kong naghintay. Ang tagal kong pinagplanuhan. Ngunit nauwi lang ang lahat sa ganitong trahedya na kagaya ng nangyari kay Cindy.

Parang may kung anong sumapi sa akin para gumalaw ako at magtungo doon sa driver ng truck na kausap ngayon ang isang pulis.

His eyes immediately went to mine when he saw me walking towards him. His eyes widened a little at may kung anong sinabi sa pulis na naging sanhi kung bakit ito napalingon sa akin.

He turned to face me and stops me.

"Sir, I need you to calm down." Ani pulis, hinawakan niya ako sa balikat upang pigilan na sa pag-lapit.

Wala akong dapat sisihin sa nangyari. Hindi ko naman masasabing sinasadya. I don't think there's someone sane who would do that.

I should blame myself. Minamadali ko siya. Maybe she was pressured. Siguro iniisip niya na baka magalit ako kapag hindi siya nakapunta.

Pero ngayon, narealize ko na mas ayos nang matagalan siya sa pag-punta sa stadium kaysa habang buhay siyang mawala sa akin.

"I'm not going to do anything. I just wanted to ask him something." Sabi ko.

The police officer hesistated for a moment. Tiningnan niya ang truck driver, tila ba tinatanong kung ayos lang na may itanong ako sakanya. The truck driver nodded his head. The officer did, too, then he turns to me again.

"Go ahead."

"What were you doing when you hit her car?" tanong ko. I clenched my fist to stop myself.

Walang pag-aalinlangan na sumagot ang driver. "She was crossing the wrong road. I tried to stop the truck, but she was driving a little fast."

Damn it. I knew she was in a hurry because of me.

Kinagat ko ang labi ko. Pinipigilan ang sarili. Tumango ako.

Kung hindi ko lang sana siya minamadali...

"Thank you..." My voice broke a little. I clenched my jaw.

God, please do everything to save Sam.

Nagpakawala ako ng malalim na hininga. Sinalo ko ang aking sentido at tsaka hinilot ito. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko ngayon. There's a lot going on in my head right now and I don't know which one I'm going to do first. Naramdaman ko namang may lumapit sa akin. He put his arms around me.

I turned to look at him. It was Tony.

"It's going to be okay." He tried to assure me. Lumunok ako.

I wanted to ask him how? How is it going to be okay when my girlfriend's life is at risk?

Tumango ako kahit na mahirap. May lumapit namang paramedic sa amin kaya ako napaayos ng upo. Later on, he reached something out from a zip lock and then he handed me Sam's phone.

"This was seen at the floor of her car. We figured that maybe she was trying to reach for it when she hit the truck." He explained. Napapikit ako.

"Thank you." Sabi ko at sinubukang tumango.

Kahit na medyo nanginginig ang mga kamay ay sinikap kong kuhanin ang cellphone ni Sam sa kanyang kamay. There's a lump in my throat at alam kong dahil iyon sa pagpipigil ng luha ko.

Slowly, I opened her phone. I know her passcode because she tells me everything. Wala siyang tinatago sa akin. Ganoon rin ako sa kanya.

I searched for her call history. I looked for the last person she called. Ako iyon.

I looked for the last person who called her. It was Ryan.

And still... I was the one at fault. Ako ang nag-utos kay Ryan noon na tawagan siya kahit ilang minuto palang pagkatapos ko siyang makausap.

I was very anxious that time. Iniisip ko kung anong mangyayari sa proposal. Pero hindi ko naisip na kapag pinagpatuloy ko siya sa pagmamadali, maaaring may mangyari sakanya.

At 'yun nga... 'yun nga ang nangyari.

Right now, I'm still anxious because Sam's life is at risk.

Hinanap ko si Ryan. He's on the phone with someone. I bet he's talking to Sam's father. He was crying at kitang kita talaga sa mukha niya ang pag-aalala.

I should be doing something right now. Hindi lang ako basta pwedeng tumayo rito at maghintay ng balita. I should be there for her. Para kapag gumising siya, ako ang una niyang makikita.

Hindi ko na napigilan pa ang sarili ko. Tumakbo ako patungo sa kotse ko kahit na sinisigaw ni Tony ang pangalan ko. I entered my car and I drove as fast as I could so I can catch up with the ambulance.

I was the reason why she had an accident. The least that I can do to her is to be there for her.

To be there when she wakes up...

To be there to make her okay...

I wanted to just... be there.

After all, I was her boyfriend. My job is to keep her safe. But look what I did? She is not safe at all! I put her life at risk!

Sam was brought to the nearest hospital. Nagulat pa ang mga paramedics na makita ako dito. Hindi siguro inaasahan na makakahabol ako sakanila. I entered the emergency room along with them.

"Sam..." I called as I tried to get near her kahit na pinalilibutan na siya ng mga doctor.

"Okay... Everybody ready?" ani ng isang doctor. Tumango naman ang mga kasama niya. "On my count... One, two, three..."

Sabay-sabay nilang inilipat sa emergency bed si Sam. I tried to get near her again but this time tumama ako sa isang nurse na may bitbit na mga gauze. She glared at me. I said sorry to her.

"Sam... I'm right here." I called again. Tiningnan ko ang itsura niya.

She looks so pale. Wala na ang dating kulay ng kanyang labi. That used to be very pink all the time, but now it's pale. The doctor is now applying some pressure on her head to stop the bleeding. All I can see are her eyes closed and her pale lips.

Tila ba nabibingi ako sa tunog ng heart monitor, parang gusto ko nalang takpan ang tainga ko. Dahil sa oras na mag flatline iyan, hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko.

"Uh, sir. I need you to wait outside alright? Right now, you need to give us space to work." ani ng doctor sa akin.

He pushed me away gently. Nagpadala naman ako dahil wala na akong lakas makipagtalo pa. But still, I hesistated. I can't stay outside. I can't just sit there anxiously. I can't just sit there and wait.

I just can't... I need to be with her. I need to be beside her.

"Sir..." Tawag ulit sa akin ng doctor. His eyes were pleading me to follow him. Lumapit ang isang nurse sa akin upang igiya na ako sa labas pero inilayo ko ang sarili ko sakanya.

Wag ka nang dumagdag pa sa problema, Zach. Just do whatever the hell they're telling you to do!

Bago ako umalis dito sa loob ng trauma room ay lumapit muna ako kay Sam. Hinayaan nila akong gawin iyon kahit na sinusundan nila ako ng tingin.

"I'm so sorry, okay? I love you. I love you so much. Please hold on, baby... Don't leave me..." I kissed her lips kahit na hindi iyon kasing tamis ng mga halik namin sa isa't isa sa tuwing mapupula ang labi niya.

"I love you. I love you. I love you." I repeated those words until someone pulled me away from her.

"I'm sorry, sir, but you need to wait outside. We'll immediately inform you how it goes." Sabi ng nurse. The doctor probably asked her to pull me away from Sam.

I couldn't blame her. Kung hindi pa ako ilalayo sakanya, hindi magagawa ng mga doctor ang trabaho nila.

I shut my eyes at hinintay na matapos ang mga doctor sa kanilang ginagawa.