CHAPTER 41 - Little Infinity

KARA WENT BACK to Philippines alone that day. Nagising na lang siya, kinaumagahan nang wala na si Janus. The receptionist informed her that Janus checked out after bringing her into her room.

No text. No phone calls. No messages. Janus left her in Singapore, alone.

Kara opened the door of her condo and quickly entered her room. She sat on the end side of the bed and stared blankly on the floor. She closed her eyes and her both hands were on her face, heaving slowly, trying to figure out if there were even small hints before that could be a sign why Janus left her.

Alam niyang doon din pupunta ang lahat. They both need to choose themselves first. Hiwalay na tatahakin ang daan para makamit ang kanilang mga pangarap. Hiwalay sa paghilom at muling pagbangon. Alam na alam niya iyon. Alam niyang huli na ang bakasyon na iyon, ngunit hindi niya maiwasang manghinayang.

He left her without saying goodbye.

Inilabas ni Kara ang cellphone niya saka tuluyang nahiga sa kama. She stared at his phone number, arguing if she should call him. Her heart says that maybe he had an emergency and she should call him. While on the other side, her mind says that it was better, that it was the right thing to do- not bothering him.

In the end, she ended up texting him.

Kara: I don't know why you left without a word in Singapore, but I just want to know that I'm home. If you need anything and if you have a problem, I'm always here to listen.

She clicked the send button and stared at the scenery from her window. The night sky with thousands of freckled stars. Noon, puro glow in the dark lamang ang nakikita niya kapag natutulog siya sa dating kwarto, ngunit ngayon ay kitang-kita na niya ang mga iyon sa kaniyang bintana.

Remembering the last time they stargazed, she wished on the stars for time to stop. But then maybe, that star crashed and burned in the atmosphere before her wish was heard. That's why he'd left her. Maybe they were too far from the stars and her wish got lost some light years away.

She slept that night with her heart drowned in sadness. She cried herself to sleep as the light stayed on. The next morning, the sun peeked through her tired eyelids. Despite all the heaviness last night, morning gave her another day that reminded her better things are yet to come.

Masakit man ang pinili nilang daan ngunit para din naman iyon sa kanila. And also, letting go of each other's hands might open up another opportunity in their lives. Ngayong nagkaroon na sila ng reconciliation sa nakaraan, mas makahahakbang na siya nang wala ng bigat sa dibdib. At sigurado naman siyang ngayon ay napatawad na niya si Janus ay mawawala na rin ang bigat sa damdamin nito.

Wound heals, but it always take time. Hindi man sa ngayon, alam naman niyang darating ang oras kung saan masasabi nilang nalampasan nila. Muling ngingiti ngunit hindi na pilit. Muling babangon ngunit hindi na para sa iba kundi para na sa sarili.

Magaan ang dibdib at nakangiti siyang pumasok sa clinic nila, ngunit kasalungat noon ang isinalubong sa kaniya ni Mrs. Vergara. Her brows were arched and her features warns that she's not in a good mood. Nabitin ang pagta-type niya at sinundan ito ng tingin hanggang makaupo sa sofa.

"What happened, Mrs. Vergara?" she asked when Jannah slouched.

"I had a fight with Yves," she said, "about Janus."

Natigilan siya at tila nawalan ng isasagot dahil doon. Bakit naman pag-aawayan ng dalawa si Janus? Magtatanong pa lang sana siya kung bakit, ngunit parang nabasa na nito ang nais niyang itanong.

"It was confidential," mahina nitong sinabi ngunit napailing lang din, "but since it was you and I'm not gonna pretend that I didn't know you two had a thing. Janus is withdrawing from Empty. He filed a termination of his contract yesterday."

Dahil sa sinabi nito ay tuluyan na si Kara na napatigil sa ginagawa. Naguguluhan niyang tinitigan si Mrs. Vergara. Bakit naman magki-quit si Janus? Music is his life! What the hell did she miss?

"Akala ko . . . hindi na . . . sabi niya . . . ." She can't even formulate a proper sentence to disagree with Mrs. Vergara.

"Yves forced him not to because he still has a lot of sponsors. At marami rin daw projects na naka-lineup para sa kaniya. I convinced Yves to let Janus do what he wanted. For Pete's sake it's his life! Plus showbiz is so toxic for him, he has to consider his mental health," Mrs. Vergara ranted.

Kung ano-ano pa ang pinagsasabi nito dahil sa inis sa asawa, ngunit hindi na niya narinig pa. Naiwan sa isipan niya ang pag-alis ni Janus sa Empty.

Is this what he really wants?

Buong araw siyang hindi nakapag-concentrate sa trabaho dahil sa isiping iyon. Hindi kailanman pumasok sa isipan niya na lilisanin nito ang banda. Alam na kaya ito ng Kuya Ei niya?

Nang makauwi sa condo niya ay tulala siyang naupo sa sofa. Binaba niya ang gamit sa lamesa saka binuksan ang TV para magsilbing ingay. Marahil ay sapat na iyong distraksyon upang alisin sa isipan niya si Janus. Hindi na dapat siya makialam sa desisyon nito. Kung gusto man nitong umalis sa Empty at sa music industry, ay wala na siyang magagawa.

The next day became more unexpected. Janus cancelled all of his appointments. He's no longer her patient. Alam niyang matatapos din naman ang session nila ngunit hindi niya inasahan na tuluyan nitong puputulin ang ugnayan nila.

A month passed after their trip and there's still no signs of Janus.

Kara knew that she was the one who said that they should fix themselves first, but she didn't know that it hurts so badly. It was the right thing to do for both of them. To move forward and to heal- separately. Alam niyang iyon ang tama, pero bakit nasasaktan siya? Bakit sobrang sakit?

Humugot si Kara ng malalim na buntong hininga habang tinitingnan ang mga polaroid prints na nakakalat sa ibabaw ng kama niya. Those pictures were from their trip in Singapore. Unti-unti, pumatak ang mga luha niya nang kunin niya ang isang larawan kung saan nakasimangot si Janus habang kinukuhanan niya. He was beside a fountain. Nakasimangot ito dahil pinagpipilitan nitong isama siya sa picture, ngunit tumanggi siya.

What a memory to treasure.

Suminghap siya saka pinigilan ang mga luhang walang tigil sa pagtulo. Hindi dapat siya malungkot dahil para din naman iyon sa kanila, ngunit hindi niya magawa. Parang may nakabara sa dibdib niya na mabigat. This is for real, and there's no turning back.

Sandali siyang natigilan nang mag-vibrate ang cellphone niya. Wala sana siyang balak kunin iyon dahil baka hindi naman mahalaga, ngunit may kung anong nagsasabi sa kaniyang abutin iyon.

Her eyes widened when she saw a text from Janus. Without hesitation, she opened it.

Janus: I already finished the song . . .

Ilang beses niyang pinindot iyon dahil baka may kasunod pa, ngunit wala na. Naguguluhan niyang di-na-ial ang cellphone number ni Janus.

"Shit!" Nakapatay na iyon kaya wala siyang nagawa.

She heaved a deep, heavy sigh and closed her eyes. "I just want to talk to you for the last time . . .," naiiyak niyang sinabi, puno ng hinanakit. "Bakit ba ang damot mo . . . kahit isang paalam lang para alam ko kung tapos na."

Kara cried on her pillow with the polaroid on her bed.

The next day, she spent hours watching an anime without noticing the time. Natigil lamang siya nang may mag-doorbell. Wala siyang inaasahang bisita kaya nakakunot ang noo niya nang buksan ang pinto.

"What the hell?" namilog ang mata niyang saad.

Her arched brows curved more when she saw Javaid standing at her door, holding a big, white box. He was wearing his usual stupid smile and jerk face. Nakasuot ito ng formal polo dress and coat with a tie.

"Don't tell me you forgot about our company's 20th anniversary?"

Namilog ang mga mata niya at naalala na ngayon ang araw na iyon. Umiling sa kaniya si Javaid. "So you did? How cruel are you? Sumbong kita kay Oddity!" anito saka walang pasintabing pumasok sa condo niya.

"Kailan ka pa nakauwi? Bakit hindi ka nagpasabi?" nakapamaywang niyang tanong.

"Kung sana marunong kang sumagot ng tawag ko, malalaman mong noong nakaraang linggo pa ako nakauwi," may halo ng sarkasmo nitong saad.

Umirap siya saka tiningnan ang box na dala nito. Inside was her silky, green satin dress. Siya ang pumili noon at si Twyle na ang nag-asikaso ng lahat. Bigla siyang na-guilty na maging ang anibersaryo ng kompanya nila ay nakalimutan niya.

"Freshen up, Kassandra! Sa hotel ka na magbihis." His brother with his annoyed voice.

"Bakit dinala mo pa 'yang damit kung sa hotel pa pala ako magbibihis?"

"Your brother kept on bothering me about those damn dress. Hindi mo raw nasukat," he scoffed.

Napailing na lang siya. "Kuya Ei talaga . . . walang pinagbago."

"Still the perfectionist Einstein, huh?" he said, chuckling, "mabuti natagalan 'yon ni Twyle."

Prente itong naupo sa sofa, nakataas ang kanang paa at nakalapat ang mga braso sa sandalan, saka kinuha ang remote control ng TV. Palipat-lipat lang ito ng channel na parang walang magawa.

"Mas okay raw 'yong perfectionist kaysa katulad mong babaero," natatawa niyang tukso saka dahan-dahang ibinalik ang dress sa loob ng box.

Kumunot ang noo ni Javaid at natigil sa paglipat ng channel. "I'm not a womanizer! Watch your words, Kassandra Maeve!" Umarte pa itong hawak ang dibdib at tila nasasaktan.

"Let me pretend that I didn't know Riella left you, dumbass!" sarkastikong sambit niya saka inirapan ito.

Kahit hindi sila ayos ni Riella nang umalis siya ng bansa ay hindi naman nawala ang kuwento ni Oddity tungkol dito. Maging ang kuwento tungkol sa kuya niyang si Javaid ay hindi na sa kaniya nakaligtas.

Sumama ang timpla ng mukha nito at inis siyang inirapan. "She didn't leave me! I dumped her!"

"Aba't proud? Guwapo ka?" insulto niya na mas lalong nagpainis dito.

Javaid threw her a pillow kaya napagpasyahan niyang mag-ayos na ng sarili para makapunta na sila sa hotel.

Nang makaalis sila sa condo nila ay labis ang pagiging tahimik ni Javaid. Minsan lamang iyong mangyari kaya naman hindi niya mapigilang hindi ito sulyapan ng matagal.

"Okay ka lang?" tanong niya.

Nilingon siya nito ngunit muli ring ibinalik ang tingin sa daan. "Oo naman," he said, but she knew he isn't.

Even a kid would know if someone isn't okay. At kahit ang instinct niya bilang psychologist ay sinasabing hindi nga ito okay.

"Unhealed wound will keep bleeding if not treated well," she said. Napatingin si Javaid sa kaniya sandali ngunit binalik din sa daan.

"Don't be an idealist, Javaid. Why settle for an unhappy and toxic relationship if you're still too young to grab that shit and kick it out of your life?"

Humugot ito ng malalim na hininga saka siya sinagot, "But still, we don't know her side. She doesn't want to explain."

"Her side? Or maybe there's no need for explanation? No other side because you both live in a different story?" she asked.

"Tangina!" Bumuga ito ng marahas na buntonghininga. "Ang hirap ng may kapatid na kagaya mo! Lahat na lang, may sagot!" pabirong sagot nito, ngunit ramdam niyang nais lamang nitong baguhin ang topic.

Hindi pa rin ito nagbabago. He's still the usual Javaid na palaging tinatakbuhan ang problema. Kailan nga ba ito magiging matapang?

"Just remember, Kuya, we all don't deserve a love that always leaves. We deserve a love that always finds a reason to stay no matter what."

Matapos ang usapang iyon ay hindi na muling umimik ang kuya niya. Nakarating sila ng hotel nang tahimik. Una siyang sinalubong ni Twyle at hindi pa lamang nakalalapit ang Kuya Ei niya sa kaniya ay pinaalis na nito. She said that they were running out of time to prepare kahit pa limang oras pa naman bago magsimula ang event.

Kara wore the green silk-satin dress with a long slit on the left paired with golden heels. Her hair was in a French braid. Some strands of her curls were on the side of her face.

Alas singko ng hapon sila natapos ayusan ni Twyle. Sabay na tumayo sina Oddity at Javaid para i-escort sila. Both of them were wearing a coat; army green coat for Javaid along with a black polo dress and black coat for Oddity with a white polo dress and a green tie.

Inilahad ni Oddity ang braso niya kay Twyle na malugod naman nitong tinanggap.

"Oh." Inilahad rin ni Javaid ang braso kay Kara nang nakasimangot. Umirap din siya. "'Wag ka nang mag-inarte, wala kang jowa."

Duh? She can carry herself without the help of any man.

The three of them laughed except her. Nakasimangot niyang tinanggap ang braso nito. Sabay-sabay silang sumakay ng elevator hanggang sa makarating sa venue ng party.

The venue shouts elegance. The whole venue was filled with white and green flowers that made it look like a garden. It was accented with gold and white decoration.

The program started with their father welcoming her, Javaid, Oddity, and Twyle. Nag-speech ang Kuya Ei niya bilang bagong CEO ng kompanya at nagpasalamat sa mga dumalo. Dahil wala namang alam si Kara sa pasikot-sikot sa business nila ay nanatili lamang siyang tahimik sa tabi nina Javaid at Twyle.

"So, how's Barcelona?" tanong niya kay Javaid habang sumisimsim ng wine.

"Barcelona pa rin," may halong sarkasmo na tugon sa kaniya nito.

Umirap siya rito. "Bakit bigla kang umuwi? The last time I saw you, you said you're staying in Barcelona for good?"

Wala ang atensyon ni Javaid sa kaniya kaya hindi ito kaagad nakasagot. Mariin ang tingin nito sa entrance ng hotel kung saan may grupo ng bisita na paparating. Kitang-kita ni Kara kung paano gumuhit sa mata ni Javaid ang pait nang makilala kung sino iyon.

"They're here," si Twyle na napansin kung saan silang dalawa nakatingin. "Oddity mentioned that they will be performing tonight," dagdag pa nito.

Mabilis na kumabog ang dibdib ni Kara sa sinabi nito. They're performing? It means he's here? Napainom siya ng tubig habang nanginginig ang kamay. She haven't seen him for months after that vacation.

Unang hinanap ng mata niya si Janus, ngunit hindi nila ito kasama. On the entrance, Vera was wearing a maroon fashion puff sleeve with her hair in bun, standing beside Kohen who's in a black coat and a maroon polo dress inside. Nakahawak ang kamay ni Vera sa braso ni Kohen samantalang nasa likod naman ng dalawa si Riella. Riella was stunning in her blue velvet, deep V-neck long dress.

Mabilis siyang napatingin kay Javaid na noon ay hindi maalis ang tingin dito. Her brother was certainly smittened by Riella. Peke siyang umubo at saka lamang bumalik sa kaniya ang atensyon nito.

Tinaasan muna niya ito ng kilay saka mapanuksong tumawa. "I said why did you come back?"

"I have an unfinished business to fix," tiim-bagang nitong sagot saka muling ibinalik ang tingin sa grupo nina Riella na papalapit sa table na katabi nila.

Hindi ni Kara intensyon na tumingin nang matagal sa mga ito. Ngunit huli na ang lahat nang mapalingon sa gawi nila si Riella at nagtama ang mata nila. Namilog ang mga mata nito at bakas sa mukha ang pagkagulat. Iyon ang unang beses na nagkita sila pagkatapos ng lahat kaya maging siya ay hindi alam kung naitago nga ba niya ang reaksyon ng mukha.

Her relationship with Riella didn't end up well because of the rumors about her and Javaid that time. Hindi niya sigurado kung alam na nito ang katotohanang kapatid niya si Javaid. Nawalan na rin naman siya ng oras noon na ayusin ang gusot sa pagitan nila dahil sa dami ng nangyari. Nauna siyang umiwas ng tingin at muling sumimsim ng wine. May mababago nga ba kung alam na nito ang totoo?

Nagpalakpakan ang lahat hudyat na tapos na ang talumpati ng ilan pang mga mahahalagang tao sa kompanya nila. Lumapit na rin ang Kuya Ei niya para samahan sila. Matapos niyang i-congratulate ang daddy ay nagpaalam na itong kakausapin ang ilan pa nilang mahahalagang panauhin.

"Congratulations, Kuya!" bati niya nang marating ni Oddity ang puwesto nila saka ito ginawaran ng mahigpit na yakap.

"Thank you, princess. Na-miss kita." Kumalas siya sa pagkakayakap nito saka ngumiti.

"Naks sa speech!" tukso niya. "CEO na talaga siya. Dati-rati nagpapaturo ka lang sakin sa English."

Ginulo ni Oddity ang buhok niya saka humalakhak. "Hoy, ang kapal! Valedictorian ako sa batch, 'no!"

Sabay silang humalakhak ni Javaid. "Yabang," bulong niya.

Pareho silang natigilan ni Javaid nang lumapit sa table nila si Riella. She shyly smiled at her and looked away when her glance darted on Javaid. Hinarap nito si Oddity.

"Bads, Janus is already here."

Kara's heart skipped a bit. Nawala ang ngiti sa labi niya at napatingin sa table nina Kohen. Nakatalikod sa kaniya si Janus kaya hindi niya makita ang reaksyon ng mukha nito. He's meters away from her yet he feels so far away.

"I'll just go to restroom," paalam niya upang ikalma ang sarili. Dali-dali siyang tumayo at naglakad papuntang restroom. Marami ang bumabati sa kaniya, ngunit tipid lang na ngiti ang naiganti niya.

Napahawak siya sa sink countertop para kumuha ng lakas at napatitig sa salamin. Hindi niya maintindihan ang sarili kung bakit ayaw pa rin kumalma ng puso niya sa kaba. Ang tagal na niyang gustong makita ito. Ang tagal niyang hiniling na makausap man lang ito kahit saglit. Ngunit ngayong nasa malapit lamang ito ay tila para siyang naduwag.

Nakatitig pa rin siya sa salamin nang bumukas ang pinto at iniluwa noon si Riella. Tipid niya itong nginitian at nagkunwaring naghuhugas ng kamay. Ang huling beses na nakausap niya si Riella ay pitong taon na ang nakalipas.

Humugot siya ng malalim na buntong hininga habang pinapanood si Riella sa paglalagay ng lipstick sa labi.

"I'm sorry," she whispered and looked at her in the mirror.

Natigilan ito at ibinaba ang hawak na lipstick. Nilingon siya nito saka binigyan ng matamis na ngiti.

"Ako dapat 'yong mag-sorry sa 'yo, Kara." Humakbang ito palapit sa kaniya saka hinawakan ang kamay niya. "Dapat inintindi kita noong mga oras na iyon. Dapat hinayaan kitang magpaliwanag, pero pinangunahan ako ng galit, ng lungkot, at ng selos. I was your friend yet I didn't know what you're going through. I had the chance to defend you from our fans, but I didn't. You suffered because of us. I'm sorry if I wasn't there by your side when you're hurt. I'm sorry for not being a good friend."

Tumingala si Kara para pigilan ang pagpatak ng luha niya. Damn, her makeup would be ruined if she cried.

"It was my fault, too, Riella. I didn't trust our friendship enough. I didn't trust that you would understand. Don't be sorry for feeling angry about me that time. Your feelings are valid. Natural lang na magalit ka dahil akala mong girlfriend ako ni Kuya. I'm sorry for making you feel that way."

Natatawa niyang pinunasan ang pinipigilang luha kaya maging si Riella ay hindi maiwasang matawa. "You haven't changed. Iyakin ka pa rin hanggang ngayon."

"But seriously, I missed you," aniya saka niyakap ito.

"I missed you, too, Kara. We all did! Lalong-lalo na si Vera. She missed you." Kumalas siya sa pagkakayakap dito saka humugot ng buntonghininga.

"Let's meet up after this. We have a lot of catching up to do. Na-miss ko ang Empty."

Unti-unting nagbago ang ekspresyon ng mukha ni Riella. Malungkot siya nitong nginitian. "Tonight is our last performance. We're performing with Oddity. After this, we're disbanding Empty."

Napaawang ang labi niya sa sinabi nito. Humigpit ang hawak ni Riella sa kamay niya nang makita ang pagkagulat sa kaniyang mukha. "So it's true?"

Tumango ito. "Janus decided to leave the music industry. And we all supported his decision."

Napatulala siya kay Riella. Hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin niya maintindihan ang desisyong iyon. Janus loves music. Alam niya kung gaano nito kamahal ang pagtugtog kaya hindi niya lubos maisip kung bakit titigil na ito.

"He's really despicable," aniya sa mahinang boses.

Riella chuckled and smiled at her. "But it's reasonable. He said he already wrote and sang the greatest song of his life."

"What song?" naguguluhan niyang tanong.

"I don't know. We don't have any idea either." Hinila na siya ni Riella palabas sa rest room. "Let's go back, Kara. We're performing. You should watch."

Nang makabalik sila sa table ay nakakunot ang noo ni Javaid sa kanila. Mabilis na nagpaalam si Riella sa kaniya saka lumipat sa kanilang table. Pagkatapos ng ilang sandali ay in-announce ang performance ng Empty at nagsimula na silang tumugtog. Most of the songs were solemn and not their usual punk-rock songs, but it gave the most chilling vibes in the venue.

Hindi magawa ni Kara na tumingin sa bokalista ng banda. Nawalan siya ng lakas na titigan si Janus habang kumakanta kaya itinuon na lang niya ang atensyon sa pakikinig.

"Let's dance, Kara." Inilahad ni Javaid ang kamay nito sa kaniya na tinanggap naman niya.

Karamihan sa mga bisita ay sumasayaw sa malamyos na musika. Naglakad sila ni Javaid sa gitna upang mawala sa dami ng tao. Napapikit si Kara nang marinig nang malapitan ang boses ni Janus.

"I'm stuck with writing songs just to forget what they really were about. And these words are bringing me so deeply insane that I don't think I can take my way out."

"Don't look at him, Kara!"

Humigpit ang hawak ni Javaid sa kamay niya at inikot siya nito para mas lalong hindi niya makita ang stage kung saan tumutugtog ang Empty. Magkahalong kaba at inis ang nararamdaman niya noon. Gusto niyang makita si Janus, ngunit kagaya ng sinabi ni Javaid, iyon din ang sinisigaw ng isipan niya niya- na huwang siyang lumingon- na mas makabubuting hindi na magkrus ang landas nila.

"I couldn't breathe through it like I needed to and the words don't mean a thing."

"Why?" tanong niya ngunit hindi umimik si Javaid. "Why does it have to hurt like this?" Puno ng hinanakit ang boses niya.

Javaid closed his eyes and held her closer. "Because you love him," mahinang bulong nito. "It's the price that we pay when we love."

"So I'll sing this song to you for the last time and my heart is torn in two... thinking of the days spent without you."

Unti-unti, tila nanlalambot ang mga tuhod niya dahil sa pagkabasag ng boses ni Janus. Gustong-gusto niyang lingunin ito, ngunit wala siyang lakas at natatakot. Wala siyang lakas na harapin ang katotohanang ito na ang huli. Natatakot na baka kapag lumingon siya ay matagpuan ng mga mata niya ang mata ni Janus at hindi na niya magawang palayain pa ito.

"And if you're alone make sure you're not lonely 'cause if you are, I'll blame myself for never being home."

Tahimik siyang humikbi sa balikat ni Javaid habang kasayaw ito. Parang pinipiga ang puso niya habang pinapakinggan ang bawat pagbigkas ni Janus sa kanta. Kung p'wede lang sila . . . kung p'wede lang maging makasarili ay pipiliin niyang huwag palayain ito. Ngunit sa kabilang banda ay alam niya kung gaano kahalaga ang bagay na iyon para kay Janus. Kailangan nito gamutin ang sugat at siya lang ang may kakayahang magpagaling. Hindi si Kara, hindi ang Empty at mas lalong hindi ang mga tao sa paligid nila.

"I know I'm not the only one who will treat you like they should... what you deserve."

Maging siya ay hindi pa rin tapos sa paghilom ng sarili. Nais pa niyang ibalik ang nawalang interes sa pagsulat ng kanta. Nais pa niyang kilalanin nang lubos ang sarili at alam nilang pareho na hindi nila magagawa ang mga bagay na iyon nang magkasama.

"Ayoko nang magmahal..." mahinang bulong niya.

Ramdam niyang hinaplos ni Javaid ang buhok niya. Napahinto ito sa pagsayaw at maging siya. Nakatigil sila sa gitna habang napapalibutan ng mga bisitang patuloy pa rin sa pag-sayaw.

"Don't stop loving just because it hurts. Love isn't always a paradise, most days were just ugly and unbearable," bulong nito.

Malungkot na ngiti ang binigay sa kaniya ni Javaid pagkatapos sabihin iyon. Mabilis na pumasok sa isipan niya si Riella.

"Do you still love her?"

"I do." Humugot ito ng malalim na buntonghininga. "But I have also learned that love isn't always found in holding on, sometimes it's in letting go- in walking away. And that is how I choose to continue to love her," he answered with his eyes in pain.

"I'm stuck with writing songs, just to forget."

Their dance ended and she didn't look back. She chose not to. Because she's choosing love. Sometimes, leaving the person you love for the sake of their healing and happiness is enough.

She's choosing not to chase love anymore and let it find her.

That night ended with her avoiding his gaze, his presence and his soul. Ginawa niya iyon upang pigilan ang sariling piliin ito. Alam niyang kaunti na lang ay bibigay na siya ngunit mas pinili pa rin niya ang nararapat.

The party ended successfully but the whole music industry was shaken when Janus had a press conference. She was with Riella, catching up when the news flashed on the television. Nasa restaurant sila na pag-aari ni Riella.

"Hala, si bads! Anong iniisip niya? Bakit biglaan?" ani Riella habang nililipat ang channel sa live broadcast ng presscon.

"What the hell?" tanging nasabi niya dahil hindi siya makapanilawa na tototohanin nito ang pag-alis.

Titig na titig siya habang pinapanood si Janus. He was in the middle of the table. Katabi nito si Kuya Yves na manager ni Janus, si Oddity na nasa kanan, at ang isang lalaking hindi kilala ni Kara. Maraming microphones ang nakapatong sa mesa habang nagsasalita si Kuya Yves. Nakatuon lamang ang atensyon niya kay Janus. He was wearing a khaki baseball cup and a white, plain shirt. Matapos magsalita ni Kuya Yves na hindi naman niya naintindihan ay napunta ang atensyon ng lahat kay Janus.

He heaved a deep sigh before he spoke, "First of all, I want to thank the management, Core Records and Empty for taking care of me for the last years. They have been my home for the past five years. After leaving Phantom Oak, the management has guided me on my journey to achieve this dream and career. I had made so many mistakes, but they stood by my side through my ups and downs. I had taken their efforts and struggles for granted, yet they cared for me from the start and until now. Thank you, Core Records, Empty, and of course, my manager, Kuya Yves."

Kara saw a tear fell on Riella's cheeks. Nakangiti ito habang nanonood at nakatitig pa rin sa TV. "Dumbass, mas marami kaming pagkukulang sa 'yo," she uttered.

"Last month, I reflected on my past actions and mistakes. I have done so many awful things in the past and even though I want to change those, I know I can't. But I had also learned that it was not too late to correct that mistake so I'm taking this opportunity to do that."

Napasinghap siya at sabay silang nagkatinginan ni Riella. Hindi niya alam kung pareho ba ang iniisip nilang dalawa. Mabilis ang tibok ng puso niya kahit pa wala namang kasiguraduhan kung tama ang iniisip niya.

"Seven years ago, I blamed a fan for stealing the copyright of the song, That Cold Christmas Night. Nanalo ang kantang iyon sa isang international songwriting competition. I blamed her because I was blackmailed by my former studio, Phantom Oak. And that was one of the biggest mistake of my life."

Nanlamig ang mga kamay ni Kara at kahit na nakaupo ay parang nanlambot ang mga tuhod niya. Umingay ang mga reporters at kung ano-anong tanong ang binato kay Janus ngunit wala siya roong sinagot kahit isa. He continued speaking. Dahil doon ay muling tumahimik ang lahat.

"I'm here today to correct that mistake. Kara Sandoval didn't plagiarize the song because it was her own composition. She was talented and really passionate in doing her piece. Siya ang palaging nariyan para i-encourage ang banda kapag pinanghihinaan kami ng loob. Siya ang nagplano ng fundraising event kung saan kami- ang Empty nakilala. She was the one who convinced me to pursue my passion. I would not be here in front of you all without her."

Pumatak ang namumuong luha sa pisngi ni Kara. Mabilis niyang pinunasan ang mga iyon, ngunit patuloy pa rin sa pagpatak. Tumayo si Riella para lapitan siya at yakapin.

The wound from her past slowly opened. Lahat ng binatong masasakit na salita sa kaniya ng mga fans ng Empty, ang mga natanggap niyang mga panlalait, at mga nakakapangliit na insult. Lahat ng iyon ay bumalik sa kaniya.

"It was too late- fucking too late to defend her for all those hurtful words. She doesn't deserve any of those. I was so drunk with my dreams and anger that I didn't know the impact of those in her life. Today, I want to say sorry, in front of my fans and the management to Kassandra Sandoval for accusing her of stealing her song. I know it will not make any changes because the damage has been done, but I want to clear her name because that's the least that I can do for her."

"Dumbass!" she whispered in between her sobs. "I said fix your life, not ruin it!"

It wasn't easy admitting those mistakes. That issue tattered her reputation and her soul. She lost her passion to write and suffered depression because of it. Ngunit hindi lang naman pighati ang naidulot noon sa kaniya. Mas nakilala niya ang sarili at mas natuto siyang pahalagahan ito.

Tama si Janus na wala nang magagawa ang paghingi nito ng sorry. Ngunit hindi rin niya maiwasang matuwa sa paglinis nito sa kaniyang pangalan.

"He's not ruining his life," kalaunang sagot ni Riella sa kaniya. "Maybe it was his way of redeeming himself."

Napalingon siya kay Riella nang magsalita ito. "What do you mean?"

"Music was Janus' life. He was devoted with singing and performing even when we're just starting. Alam kong nakita mo iyon sa kaniya. He loves music and he expresses himself through it."

Tumango siya. "That's why I can't believe that he's letting it go."

Ngumiti lamang si Riella habang nakatingin pa rin sa screen ng TV. "But after you left, he wasn't himself anymore. He lost himself. Kuya Oddity don't want to see him like that kaya umabot sila sa punto na gusto niyang alisin si Janus sa banda. He loves music, we can all see that. Pero sa tuwing kumakanta siya, hindi na kagaya noon."

Binalik ni Kara ang tingin sa TV at tinitigang maigi ang ekspresyon ni Janus. Mukhang desidido na ito sa desisyong pag-alis.

"Today that I had cleared her name and wrote the most beautiful song, I'm quitting from music industry and we are disbanding Empty," anunsyo ni Janus na nagpatigil sa luha niya.

"My journey in singing and writing songs has led me to many unforgettable moments of my life. This journey wasn't easy, most of the time, the road is bumpy and we're on the verge of quitting yet here we are now, we have reached our destination as a band. As of the moment, I'm searching for my own route. I know there are still sharp curves and turns along the way, but I'm hopeful to find my way back home. Thank you, everyone, for the unending support and love."

Ngumiti si Riella at hinarap siya. "We supported him when he said he wanted to leave the music industry because it was the first time he took a step closer to fix himself. Alam naming lahat na hindi niya magagawa iyon kung hindi niya aalisin ang mga bagay na nakasasakit sa kaniya-including his career. We both know that. I just hope that after this, he can start again with his new beginning."

Unti-unti ay naintindihan niya ang nais nitong iparating. Music has always been a part of who they are. Umalis man ito sa industriya, alam naman niyang hindi ito titigil sa pagkanta.

"I am Janus Axl Valderama, sigining off," Janus said before he stood up and left.

Ilang minuto si Kara na naiwang nakatulala sa telebisyon. Pagkatapos mahanap ang nawawalang ulirat ay nagpaalam na siya kay Riella. She wanted to talk to Janus. Tinawagan niya ang cellphone ni Janus ngunit hindi iyon sumagot.

With the piece of hope in her heart, she texted him. For her, it was now or never.

Kara: Meet me where it all started.

Pagka-send niya ng text ay mabilis siyang umuwi para bumalik ng Mystown. Ala una pa lamang ng hapon kaya hindi siya nahirapang umuwi sa probinsya nila. Isang oras lamang ang byahe simula Manila hanggang Zemira kaya mabilis siyang nakarating.

Humampas sa kaniya ang malamig na simoy ng hangin nang makababa siya sa bus na sinakyan. Hinahangin ang kaniyang buhok habang nakatayo sa isang interseksyon. Malungkot na ngiti ang sumilay sa labi niya habang nakatingin sa tree house kung saan maraming alaala silang binuo.

"This feels nostalgic," aniya sa sarili saka hinawakan ang puno kung saan nakaukit ang pangalan ng mama ni Janus.

Walang masyadong pinagbago ang tree house, ngunit napanatili pa rin ang kalinisan nito. Nadagdagan din ang light bulb garland na nakasabit dito at may iilang parte ng dingding ang napalitan. Kung dati'y natural lamang ang kulay noon, ngayon ay kulay itim na ito na may kahalong kahel.

May bench pa rin sa likod ng puno kung saan nakaukit ang pangalan ng mama ni Janus. Doon niya napiling maupo at maghintay.

She waited there for hours but Janus didn't come.

Bagsak ang balikat siyang nakatingin sa malayo, pinapanood ang paglubog ng araw. Hawak niya ang palapulsuhan kung saan nakasuot ang bracelet na iniregalo noon ni Janus. Humugot siya ng malalim na buntonghininga saka muling tiningnan ang relo.

"He's not coming," konklusyon niya nang makitang pasado alas sais na ng hapon.

Kung nais nitong makita at makausap siya ay kanina pa sana ito narito. Nang tuluyan nang lumubog ang araw ay napasyahan na niyang tumayo, ngunit natigilan siya nang may magsalita sa kaniyang likuran.

"Do you know the most beautiful thing about the sky?"

Nilingon niya ang pinanggalingan ng tanong. Sandaling hinangin ang kaniyang buhok kaya't natabingan ang kalahati ng kaniyang mukha. Humakbang si Janus upang sinupin iyon kaya't nagkalapit ang kanilang mukha. Lumingon siya sa kalangitan upang maiwasan ang mga mata nitong para siyang tinutunaw.

"What?" she asked and sat again on the bench.

Naupo sa tabi niya si Janus saka siya nilingon. "It's the fact that we're looking at the same sky wherever on Earth we are. It was my comfort back then . . . while you're away." Inalis nito ang tingin sa kaniya saka tumingin sa kalangitan na unti-unting nilalamon ng dilim. "I always thought that we're still breathing the same air and staring at the same night sky."

Napuno nang katahimikan ang buong paligid. Saksi ang ilaw na nanggagaling sa liwanag ng bituin kung paano niya pinigilan ang sariling lumuha dahil sa pait ng nararamdaman. Dahan-dahan ay hinawakan nito ang kaniyang kamay saka siya tinitigan nang mariin.

"I'm leaving," mahinang sinabi nito nang hindi inaalis ang tingin sa kaniya.

Dahan-dahan siyang ngumiti nang pilit. "And I can't change your mind, right?"

"The question is, are you changing my mind?" Umiling siya saka tumingin sa malayo.

"I'm sorry if I was a failure to you and if I failed to love you. I know you can still find that man, the one who'll cherish his time spent with you, and the one who can give you more than what I could."

Pilit na pinigilan ni Kara ang luhang nagbabadya na namang tumulo. Hindi na niya alam kung ilang beses na siyang lumuha sa araw na iyon.

"I hope someday you could find him so I could see you happy again. I want to see that even though I might not be the reason anymore." Janus' voice broke but he still looked into her eyes.

"Find him, that man who will stay until the very end. I hope that you will find the one who is truly meant to be with you."

Tuluyan na siyang umiyak nang sabihin ni Janus iyon. Pilit niyang pinapatahan ang sarili ngunit hindi niya magawa. Unti-unti na ring pumatak ang luha sa pisngi ni Janus ngunit nagpatuloy ito.

"When he comes, make sure to smile at him the way your eyes sparks when you look at me. Make him thousands of song, he'll appreciate it, and hold his hand tightly." Mas humigpit pa ang kapit niya sa kamay nito.

Tumingala si Janus at hirap na hirap na binitiwan ang sumunod na mga kataga. "Don't let go of him the way we let each other go of each other's hands," he said and slowly... he let go of her hand.

"Stop it... huwag mo nang ituloy please," aniya dahil hindi na niya kayang pakinggan ang mga susunod pa nitong sasabihin.

Her heart tightens at the sight of him, vulnerable and breaking in front of her. Parang pinipiga ang puso niya.

"Forget about me and live," he cried.

"I can't." Yumuko siya saka pinunasan ang luhang hindi na niya napigilan. "Kung kaya ko lang..." Humikbi siya. "Noon ko pa sana ginawa."

Janus continued. Iniangat nito ang mukha niya saka pinunasan ang mga luha. "Continue your passion and fulfill your dreams. Write again with your heart's content. I know you can because it was part of who you are."

"I will but please..." She faced him, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. "You need to live, too. Promise me you will."

Dahan-dahan, tumango ito. "I will. I will do it for myself."

Kara inhaled a large amount of oxygen before she spoke again with her lips trembling. "I never stopped loving you." She bit her lips as her tears freely fell from her cheeks. "And I never will. My heart is with you, always," she whispered.

She buried her face in his shoulder as he held her. All that she could think was that she needed him. She needed his arms around her, needed him to hold her and whisper that they'd find a way to be together.

But he didn't. Janus tried to wipe her tears but his eyes were flooded with his.

"I love you, I really do," he said, his voice slowly breaking. "Nothing would lessen it, not time, not the distance, and not us not being together. And if the time comes that I already found and fixed myself and you haven't found him . . . ." He cupped her face and stared at her for a while as if memorizing every detail of her. "I will find you," he said before he leaned and sealed it with a kiss.

That night, underneath the sky, they let go of each other to find themselves.

She wished under the stars, that when their paths crossed again and the universe approved . . . maybe they could finally have their little infinity.