CHAPTER 40 - Passing By

THEY ARRIVED AT Changi Airport at 2 a.m. in the morning. Sinundo sila ng service ng hotel matapos tumawag ni Janus sa manager niya for their accommodation.

Janus stared silently at Kara as she watched the city. Her awed expression while looking at the window of the limousine gave Janus the satisfaction. It wasn't his first time in Singapore because they already had a lot tour here for the past years, but it was the first time he had the chance to savour the city lights from the soaring skyline and the cold breezes of the night. Ngayon lang niya tuluyang na-appreciate ang ganda nito.

After 25 minutes of riding the car, they arrived at the Raffles Hotel. Sinalubong kaagad sila ng mga receptionist at w-in-elcome nang nakangiti. Hiwalay ang room nila ngunit magkadikit naman. Janus chose the last floor with the nicest view for Kara.

"Just knock or call me when you need anything," aniya saka binuksan ang pintuan sa kwarto ni Kara.

"A'ight. Good night, Janus," she said, yawning.

"Good night."

Pagkapasok niya sa sariling kwarto ay inayos na niya ang kaniyang gamit. The room was illuminated by the warm lights coming from the wall. The whole room was painted beige and has a vintage accented wall. It was big yet it felt so lonely because of the silence.

He took a quick bath and wore a shirt and pajamas before he threw himself into the bed. Pumikit siya habang inaalala ang mga bagay na dapat niyang ayusin kapag umuwi na siya ng Pilipinas.

He has a lot of mess to fix including talking to Oddity and to his dad. They didn't say a word to him, but he knew he had to fix something about their relationship. Lalong-lalo na sa daddy niya. He needs reconciliation in order to move on.

Unti-unti ay hinila na siya ng antok ngunit muli siyang napamulat nang tumunog ang cellphone niya.

It was a text from Kara.

Kara: Are you still awake?

Mariin niyang ipinikit ang mata saka bumangon at inayos ang pagkakaupo. Normally, he wanted to lash out on someone who'll ruin his sleep, but when he saw that it was Kara, he felt weightless. Mabilis niyang ni-reply-an ang text nito.

Janus: Can I call?

Wala pang ilang segundo ang nag-reply na kaagad ito. Hindi na niya binasa iyon at pinindot ang dial button. In just two rings, she answered.

"Hello."

"Uhm?"

He chuckled lightly. "You can't sleep?"

"The room is so big. Naninibago ako."

"You want me to sing you to sleep?"

"You will?" Her voice sounds amazed. Napangiti siya.

Hindi na niya ito sinagot at muling nahiga sa kama. Janus wrapped his comforter on his body and started to sing.

"I'm outdated, overrated. Morning seems so far away," he sang.

He heard Kara sigh on the other line so he continued singing.

"So I'll sing a melody and hope to God she's listening, sleeping softly while I sing. And I'll be your memories, your lullaby for all the times hoping that my voice could get it right."

Janus also closed his eyes when he heard her sleeping soundly. Pinatay niya ang tawag saka ibinaba ang cellphone sa bedside table. With the thoughts bothering him, he opened his eyes again. He stared blackly at the ceiling and heaved a deep breath.

How can he treasure someone he knew he'll lose eventually?

Janus woke up with the sound of his doorbell ringing enormous times. Parang binibiyak ang ulo niya nang bumangon dahil sa puyat. Damn, he wanted to sleep even just for a minute! Pumupungas pa ang mata niyang binuksan ang pinto, ngunit nagising siya nang makita si Kara na nakataas ang kilay sa kaniya.

"Good morning, sleepy head!" she said with furrowed brows. Dire-diretso itong pumasok sa kwarto niya habang nakapamaywang pa.

"Morning!" he uttered.

"Great!" she said. "We missed the tour because of oversleeping!"

He just chuckled and looked at the wall clock. It was eleven in the morning. Masyadong ngang matagal ang tulog nila.

"Where do you want to go? Let's not follow the itinerary."

Lumiwanag ang mukha ni Kara nang sabihin niya iyon. She immediately scanned her backpack and showed him a flyer through her phone.

"Sentosa?"

"Uhuh! Freshen up. Gutom na 'ko." Ngumuso ito.

He nodded then get his luggage bag. Sinampay niya ang towel sa balikat saka nilingon si Kara na nakahiga sa kama niya. She played some music on her mini speaker.

"You're not going back to your room?" he asked.

"I prefer waiting here. Your room is a lot colder."

He just chuckled as he watched her roll on his bed— singing the song on the speaker. Damn, he wanted to jump on the bed, too, and hug her all day, but it wasn't a good idea.

Nang mapansin nito ang titig niya ay tumigil ito sa pagkanta saka tinaasan siya ng kilay.

"What?"

This girl didn't know how hard it is for him to stay composed. He badly wanted to cuddle her. He tried to stifle a laugh as she glared at him.

"Ang cute mo!" he said and ran to the bathroom when she threw a pillow.

After taking a bath, he wore an army green shirt and a black maong pants with his usual pair of white sneakers. He went out and Kara was now busy checking something on her phone. Bahagya pa itong nagulat nang lumabas siya.

"Are you done?" she asked, stuttering.

Kumunot ang noo niya bago sumagot pero hindi na niya pinansin. "Yep. Let's eat first."

Kara nodded and they headed out. Inuna muna nilang magpa-convert ng pera into Singaporean dollar bago tuluyang pumunta sa Marina Bay. They ate their brunch at Chinoserie before they strolled around.

"Picture tayo rito," Kara shouted as she dragged him closed to get a picture of them.

"I can walk, Kara!"

Hindi niya maiwasang sumimangot nang kumuha ito ng litrato nilang dalawa. Buong maghapon kasi ay iyon lamang ang ginawa nila.

Kara will drag him to different stops just to take some photos and what's worst is he can't disagree with her because she's happy. Seeing her blissful smiles gave him the satisfaction. Kahit pa nga wala siyang ibang ginawa kundi ang sumunod lamang sa kung saan nito gustong pumunta.

Nang sumapit ang hapon ay nagtungo na sila sa Hard Rock Coliseum kung saan gaganapin ang concert ng paborito nilang banda. Alas syete ng gabi sila nakapasok sa loob dahil sa dami ng tao. Halos hindi na sila magkarinigan ni Kara dahil sa ingay.

Janus never expected that he'll have a chance to actually watch Simple Plan with Kara. Nang umalis ito ay tuluyan na ring nawala ang interes niyang makapunta sa concert ng mga ito. He knew, he'll only remember when if he'll go. Kaya nga kahit pa nasa iisang bansa lamang sila dahil sa world tour ng Simple Plan sa Bangkok at saktong may event ang Empty doon ay hindi rin niya piniling pumunta. He had encounters with them, casual talks, but he hasn't been to any of their concert.

It's because he knew watching his favorite band without Kara beside him wasn't the same anymore.

Hinapit ni Janus ang baywang ni Kara nang hindi sinasadyang matulak ito dahil sa dami ng tao.

"Watch your steps," he said. His eyebrows furrowed when she didn't complain.

She shifted her gaze from the stage to him and smiled. "Five minutes na lang bago sila lumabas! I'm so excited!"

Kara's eyes were full of joy and sparkles. Nakasuot ito ng headband na may pangalan ng Simple Plan na nabili nila sa labas saka may hawak na banner kung saan nakalagay ang katagang, 'This Band Saved My Life.'

"I can't believe this is happening! Makikita ko na sila!" Kitang-kita ang tuwa sa mga mata nito habang sinisigaw iyon para marinig niya.

He can't help but smile as he watched Kara get hyped when Simple Plan made their entrance. Sa pinakaunahan ang puwesto nila dahil iyon talaga ang ni-request niya kay Kuya Yves.

"Simple Plan! Simple Plan!" the crowd continued to cheer and the lights in the whole coliseum dimmed.

Unti-unti iyong bumukas saka isa-isang pumasok ang mga miyembro nito. Naunang pumasok ang bokalista nilang si Pierre Bouvier at bahista nilang si David Derossier, kasunod si Chuck Comeau na drummer ng banda at sumunod rito sina Jeff Stinco at Sebastien Lefevre. Halos mabingi siya sa lakas ng hiyaw nito nang tuluyan nang nasa stage ang banda. Sa unang patok ni Chuck sa drums, mas lalong naghiyawan ang lahat.

Janus can't help but smile. Ganito pala ang pakiramdam kapag siya naman ang nasa baba at nanonood. Dati-rati, tuwing tumutugtog sila sa concert ay balewala lamang sa kaniya ang hiyawan ng mga fans, ngunit ngayon ay dama niya ang tuwa ng mga ito.

Marahil dahil unti-unting nawala ang interes niya. Every time he was playing on stage, he can't find that satisfaction unlike before.

"What's up, Singapore!" Pierre yelled that made his fans go wilder.

They started the concert with the song Shut Up, Jump, and Worst Day Ever medley. Tuwang-tuwa ang mga fans dahil sa taas ng energy na binibigay ng bokalista. Even him, he can't help but jam and sing with them.

"Ang pogi ni Sebastien!" Kara shouted that made him roll his eyes. 'Di hamak na mas guwapo naman siya roon!

Nakita pa niyang pasimpleng tumingin si Kara sa kaniya nang sabihin iyon. Naalala niyang ito ang crush nito noon pa man kaya napanguso siya. Kara just chuckled and turned her attention to the band again.

The lights dimmed again and slowly, the song changed to Try.

"I've never been the best at honesty. I've made more mistakes that I can even count."

Janus' eyes darted to Kara's back as the song proceeded. Lihim siyang napangiti nang malungkot dahil sa kanta.

"But things are gonna be so different now. You make me wanna turn it all around."

It's always been her. Kara Maeve Sandoval. She was the reason why he wanted to fix his goddamn life.

"But if you can give me half a chance
I'll show how much I can fix myself for you.
Don't give up on me and I'll prove that
I can do this."

Nang matapos ang kasunod na kanta ay muling tumahimik ang lahat. The back light dimmed but still illuminated blue and purple lights that sets the mood of the coliseum. May umakyat na lalaking nakasuot ng headset saka may ibinulong kay Pierre, matapos ang ilang sandali ay muli rin iyong bumaba. Pierre then faced the crowd.

"Are you guys still with us?" The fans cheered loudly. "Our stage director informed us that there is an excellent singer out there in the crowd. He once sang our song for an event to raise a fund for orphans."

Mabilis na napalingon sa kaniya si Kara nang banggitin iyon ni Pierre. Namimilog ang mga mata nito saka tinaasan siya ng kilay. Isang matipid lang na ngiti ang sinukli niya rito dahil muling nagsalita ang vocalist ng Simple Plan.

"May we call on the stage to sing with us tonight the vocalist of the band Empty! Make some noise, Singapore, for Janus Valderama!"

Dahil nasa harapan sila ay hindi na siya nahirapang maglakad patungo sa stage. The crowd cheered for him, but his eyes were fixed only on one girl who still hasn't recovered from her surprise.

"Sup, man!" anakipag-fistbump siya rito saka tinanguan ang ilan pang miyembro ng banda.

"Good evening, Singapore!" he greeted and the fans also cheered.

Nagnakaw siya ng sulyap sa kinaroroonan ni Kara at manghang-mangha itong nakatingin sa kaniya. He can't read what's on her mind, but the way she was looking at him made him at peace.

"This next song we're going to sing is about music. About the power of one song. Because sometimes, when you wake up you just feel— you just feel like shit for no reason, but then . . . you'll put your favorite song and you crank it up all the way and everything gets better." The crowd cheered more when Pierre introduced the next song.

"Do you have a song like that? A song that can make your life better sometimes? Well, this song is about that . . . this song is called This Song Saved My Life."

"I wanna start by letting you know this
because of you my life has a purpose
you helped me be who I am today
I see myself in every word you say."

Pierre started singing the song and on the second stanza, Janus owned the microphone. Hinanap niya ang mga mata ni Kara. He looked at her and sang without breaking the eye contact.

"Sometimes it feels like nobody gets me
trapped in a world where everyone hates me
there's so much that I'm going through
I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you."

He meant it. Every words that he sing. It was because of Kara— it was because of her why he's still trying to live his life. Even back then, she taught him that he was worth it, that his music worth a shot and his pain was all valid. And even now that his life fell apart and he hurt her, she was still there, pushing him to move forward.

"I was broken
I was choking
I was lost, this song saved my life
I was bleeding
stopped believing
could have died, this song saved my life."

They both sang the chorus. Their fans sang along with them but the particular girl he's looking at was busy watching him. Nakatitig lamang ito sa kaniya habang patuloy siya sa pagkanta.

"I was down
I was drowning
but it came on just in time, this song saved my life."

It was Kara. She was the melody of his life— his anchor. She was the song herself. She was that song that saved his life.

"Whoa! I enjoyed it!" she said. "Damn! Hindi ko alam na kilala mo pala si Pierre!"

Kara bugged him nonstop after concert finished. Katatapos lang nilang magpa-picture sa buong banda ng Simple Plan. Kara even had a solo picture of that rhythm guitarist, Sebastien. At ang malupit, siya pa ang ginawang camera man. How cruel! Right? Pagkatapos noon ay hindi na siya tinigilan ni Kara sa pagkwekwento kung gaano ito kasaya.

"I met them in one of our tours and they knew about us, Empty, because of the fundraising we did."

Kara nodded as she followed him. The concert finished around midnight and they're now walking on the pavement heading to nowhere. Napahinto siya sa paglalakad nang maramdaman niyang huminto si Kara.

"Thank you for bringing me here." Her eyes sparked as she looked up on him.

Unti-unti niyang ginantihan ito ng ngiti. A genuine one. "I promised, right? I promised that I'd bring you one day to their concert."

A slight hint of shock crossed Kara's eyes. Marahil nakalimutan na nito ang pinangako niyang iyon.

Kara smiled at him. "And you did. Thank you."

They walked silently under the stars that illuminated the street. It was a freezing cold night yet calming— a night walk with the most precious girl in his life.

"Janus, look! There's a shooting star!" Kara yelled. Nakatingala ito sa kalangitan habang tinuturo ang lugar kung saan may bumagsak na bulalakaw.

Janus chuckled. "I saw it, too," he said, looking up at the sky, wishing that time would just stop. Bumulong siya sa bulalakaw na sana'y tumigil ang oras para mas makasama pa niya si Kara nang matagal.

"Sayang, ang bilis nawala," Kara uttered.

"It's a meteor, after all," he said, but then smiled sadly, for the universe kept on reminding him about their little infinity.

"Uuwi na tayo after this?"

Nilingon niya ito. "You wanna stay out for tonight? I have a place in mind."

Tumango si Kara kaya ngumiti siya. "Let's catch the galaxy at Fort Canning Park," he said then grabbed her hands.

They travelled through MRT. Nakarating sila roon sa Fort Canning Park nang wala pang 20 minutes. They settled on the nicely, manicured lawns of the Open Air Green next to the Fort Canning.

Janus rolled out his jacket and sat. He tap the part beside him where Kara also sat. He looked up and revealed before his eyes was the glory of the stars freckled on the night sky.

"What's your favorite constellation?" he asked as he laid his back on the ground.

Bago sumagot ay nahiga rin ito sa tabi niya. He offered his right arm as Kara's pillow. Tinitigan muna siya nito nang ilang sandali saka bumuntonghininga at nahiga.

"The big dipper," anito saka siya nilingon. "Ikaw?"

Malungkot siyang tumingin sa mga bituin at tinitigan ang constellation na paborito niya.

"Did you know the story behind the constellation Lyra?" he asked, eyes still locked on the sky.

He felt Kara shook her head. "Hindi. What's in there?"

"There was a young couple named Orpheus and Eurydice. Orpheus was a wonderful lyre player, he played inspirational music. Eurydice fell for his great music ability and passion." Huminto siya saka bumaling kay Kara. "She was his biggest fan."

She gave him a slight smile and looked away. Kara looked at the stars.

Tahimik siyang nagpakawala ng buntonghininga saka nagpatuloy. "But because not every story has a happy ending, she was bitten by a snake on their wedding night."

"She died?"

He nodded and continued. "Grieving, the happiness of Orpheus' song vanished from that day forward and only sad and melancholic sound came from his lyre.

"He can't accept it so he travelled to Underworld and pleaded to Hades to allow his wife to come with him back to Earth. Orpheus played a sad song and cried his heart out through his lyre. Hades was touched by his music and allowed his wife to be set free, but in one condition. She was allowed to go back to Earth as long as he doesn't look back when still in the Underworld."

"Hulaan ko, lumingon siya?" Kara asked, curiously.

He stifled a laugh because of Kara's interruption and continued, "Curiosity killed a cat and Orpheus' curiosity killed Eurydice. He believed that the God of Underworld was plying a trick on him and was deceiving him so he looked back to see if she was actually there."

"He should have trusted Hades!" she commented.

He chuckled. "He was plunged into a horrible depression and his music was never happy again. He was only devoted on playing his sad song. They say that Orpheus committed suicide out of the grief for the death of his wife and others say that he was murdered. The gods punished the killers and transformed the Orpheus lyre into a constellation— it was named Lyra."

"That story sucks! He shouldn't look back."

Napailing si Janus habang nakangiti. Kara's reaction to the story impressed him. He never thought that she was a fan of happy ending. "But he only did it because he loved her. He wanted to make sure that she was there. Because he can't lose her again."

"Yet, his love for her killed her."

Natahimik siya sa huling katagang binitiwan nito. Alam niyang hindi iyon para sa kaniya, ngunit aminado siyang tinamaan siya roon. Kara's words were like double-edge sword that pierced through him a thousand times. He remembered the time where she tried to commit suicide. She was right because his love almost killed her.

Napangiti siya nang mapait saka tumingin sa kalangitan. Ngayon lamang tuluyang naproseso ng utak niya ang lahat. If he'll leave her, there's no turning back. The more he stays in her life, the more chances of ruining her life.

He knew his life was not something he should be proud of. He was famous. He got the money and fame, but it felt nothing for he had lost his purpose. He doesn't even know why he was singing. He created a name for himself in the music industry, yet he doesn't know who he is now.

All that he knew is his life is a mess. And a man like him do not deserve a precious gem like Kara. He already lost her long ago when he said those awful words to her. And asking for a chance wasn't even a good thing for the both of them.

They spent the whole night on the lawn. Nakatulog si Kara sa bisig niya samantalang hindi naman siya nakatulog dahil sa panonood sa pagtulog nito. He wanted to savour his remaining hours with her.

Janus looked at Kara in his arms. It wasn't the first time he held and stared at her this close, but it always feel like it was. Maybe it was the last time. At wala nang susunod pa.

He stared at her as a tear fell on his cheeks. The pain in his heart gripped tighter and it was harder and harder to hold his cries.

"Be happy, Kara," he said with his voice slowly breaking. "I'm sorry for all the troubles that I had brought. I'm sorry for just passing by," he whispered and kissed her on her forehead.