CHAPTER 33 - Chase Your Dreams

"Sana hindi ka na lang Pinoy! Nakakahiya ka! I am so ashamed of you!"

"Please apologize properly! Huwag kang magtago, palibhasa, kapatid ka ni Oddity."

"Akala ko ba matalino? Ba't nag-plagiarize?"

Humigpit ang pagkakahawak ni Kara sa cellphone niya, at bumilis ang kaniyang paghinga. She licked her lower lip as she scrolled down to read all the tweets about her. She tried herself to stop from using social media, but she couldn't help it. She installed Twitter last night and she created a new account to see tweets about her.

"Nakakahiya ka, Ate Gurl, international pa naman 'yong nilabanan n'ya. Yawa."

She put her phone on her side table and hugged her pillow. Humugot siya ng malalim na buntonghininga at ipinikit ang mata.

Why do people judge so easily? The problem in the society we live in— is that they just look to you once, and they judge your whole personality without even knowing your story.

If only they knew how hard she's trying not to succumb on her own thoughts. If only there's a way to escape this hole she looped into, the embracing darkness along with the cold and the endless cycle of fear.

As the night gets deeper in silence, she remember every moment she had with Janus. Their little argument in the bus, her tutorial with him that made them closer, his surprise on her birthday, their effort to put the fundraising, even the day he sang her composition, and looked into her eyes like he doesn't want to lose her.

Who would have thought that the melody her heartbeat can't help listening to would turn into a song that was meant to break her heart?

That night, she cried alone with her pillow. The anxiety, self-doubt, and everything, she mourned those to sleep in the middle of the cold night.

Kara woke up with her daily alarm— Javaid's phone call. Simula yata nang pumutok ang balita tungkol sa kaniya'y tumatawag ito para kumustahin siya sa umaga. She'd always tell him that she's fine, and that she doesn't mind the issue, it doesn't matter, and she's not affected.

Even to Oddity, she just brushes things off and smiles like everything's fine, and she hates herself for that. She's a liar— she's making herself believe that she's not, that everything's true.

She answered the phone call while still hugging her pillow.

"Ang aga-aga, Javaid!" bungad niya kahit ang totoo'y nagpapasalamat siya sa tawag nito araw-araw. His phone calls encourages her to move forward.

She heard Javaid chuckle on the other line. "Anong maaga? Mag-aalas onse na! Akala ko ba, magpapasama ka sa appointment mo ro'n sa committee ng songwriting competition?"

Mabilis siyang napabangon. "Shit!" Ilang beses niyang nakutusan ang sarili, dahil ngayon lang niya naalala.

"Ala una 'yon, 'di ba? Bilisan mong gumayak! Ikaw na nga magpapa-drive, ang kupad-kupad mo pa!"

Umirap siya kahit hindi siya nito nakikita. "Whatever!"

After fixing herself, Kara dialed Javaid's phone number, and he immediately picked her up in front of their house. Javaid drove outside Mystown. Sa Manila kasi ang appointment niya sa committee ng song writing competition.

"Do you want to grab lunch before we head in your appointment?" Javaid asked.

Umiling siya at hindi maalis ang tingin sa bintana ng sasakyan. "I'll go with the appointment first, that would be quick."

They went up to the 7th floor of the building. A woman in her mid 20s accompanied them to a smaller conference room. Namamawis na ang kamay ni Kara nang maupo siya sa kanang bahagi ng table at sa tabi niya naupo si Javaid.

Sa harapan nila'y may isang babaeng nakasuot ng corporate attire— naka-bun ang buhok at may suot na salamin. Sa tabi naman nito'y isang medyo may katandaan ng lalaki at nakasuot ng grey suit.

"Good afternoon, Ms. Sandoval," bati sa kaniya no'ng lalaki. "I'm Hendrix Smith, on behalf of ISC, Inc. I was sent here to clean the mess you brought. And this is Atty. Valencia— she's here only for consultation. I hope you don't mind it?"

Labis ang kaba sa dibdib ni Kara nang makipagkamay siya kay Mr. Smith. He might look calm, but the way he spoke brought shiver into her spine. Para itong nangangain nang buhay. She went here prepared, but her heart can't stop thumping fast.

"Let's cut the chase, Ms. Sandoval." Iniayos nito ang folder na hawak niya at ipinakita ang p-in-rint nitong copy ng sinulat niyang kanta. "Did you plagiarize your entry in ISC?" he asked, and his voice was intimidating her.

She bit her lip and nodded. "I plagiarized the song."

Mabilis na nahigit ni Javaid ang kamay niya at saka siya pinaharap dito. His features darkened as he looked at her, waiting for her answer. Wala itong kaalam-alam na balak talaga niyang akuin ang ibinibintang sa kaniya. Instead of explaining to him, she gave her a fake smile then mouthed, 'Its fine.'

She pressed her lips together and then looked at Mr. Smith. "All of their allegations were true. I own my mistake, and I will accept whatever the punishment will be," she said firmly without taking her eyes off the committee.

Mr. Smith was taken aback. Hindi ito kaagad nakapagsalita sa biglaang pag-amin niya. He opened his mouth, but no words came, so the attorney spoke for him.

"The accused admitted her crime. Shall we press the charge, Mr. Smith?"

His expression went dull. He heaved a meaningful sigh and shook his head. Muli nitong tiningnan ang folder na hawak nito kanina at bumaling sa kaniya.

"What is the title of the song, Ms. Sandoval?"

Confusion filled her, but she still answered. "That Cold Christmas Night, sir."

Mr. Smith gave her a bored look. "What is the theme?"

"It was about a boy who lost his girl, because of the tragedy that occured on that cold Christmas night."

Tinaasan siya nito ng kilay. "And the song progression?"

"The song has more complex progression, we added tones to certain chords, and we also used inversions. Alright! We also tried a bass . . . ." Unti-unting humina ang pagbigkas niya nang mapagtanto ang mga sinabi, ". . . pedal point."

She immediately looked at Mr. Smith who's now smirking at her. He stood and walked closer without breaking his gaze towards with her.

"Again, Ms. Sandoval, did you plagiarize the song or not?" he asked with an intimidating stare. "I want an honest answer."

What's the point of lying if he already knew? Humugot siya ng malalim na buntonghininga at kinagat ang ibabang labi niya na umiiling. "I didn't," nakayuko niyang sinabi. Her heart pounded, because of the thought that Empty would be dragged into this.

Namilog ang mata niya nang lingunin ni Mr. Smith si Atty. Valeria at nakipag-kamay. "We're not pressing charges, attorney."

He then looked at Javaid who's sitting beside her. "Can we have a private talk?" he asked him.

Sandali itong nag-isip at tumingin sa kaniya. Tumango lamang siya, kaya't tahimik itong lumabas ng silid. On the other hand, Mr. Smith sat on the chair opposite to her.

"As you can see, Ms. Sandoval, we weren't changing the result of the winners. That Cold Christmas Night still placed second, and you can still claim your prizes." May iniabot ito sa kaniyang folder na naglalaman ng kasulatan tungkol sa napanalunan niya. "And regarding the fake news that was made by Phantom Oak, we can still press charges for them like oral defamation."

Matagal na napatitig si Kara sa kamay niyang nakapatong sa lamesa. If she will sue Phantom Oak, even Janus and Empty will get involved. That wasn't good for them. Lalo na ngayong malapit nang ilabas ang first album nila.

"Mr. Smith, I appreciate your concern, but I'm sorry because I need to decline your offer. I will not press charges. Soon, the issue about me plagiarizing will die down. I don't want Empty to get involved with this issue anymore," magalang niyang pagpaliwanag at nginitian ito nang pilit.

Matapos ang pribado nilang pag-uusap ni Mr. Smith, lumabas na siya ng conference room. Nakasandal sa gilid ng pinto si Javaid, at nang makita siya'y tahimik lamang itong naglakad papunta sa elevator. Hanggang sa makarating sila sa parking space, hindi siya nito kinibo.

Nang makasakay siya sa passenger seat, hindi niya maiwasang hindi ito lingunin.

"I'm sorry. I know you're mad because of what I did." She bit her lower lip. "Ayaw ko lang na madamay na naman sila nang dahil sa 'kin."

"Damn it, Kara!" Hinilamos ni Javaid ang palad niya sa mukha at nahampas ang manibela. "Paano ka? Hahayaan mo na lang na pagpiyestahan ka ng taong bayan sa kasalanang hindi mo naman ginawa?"

"Hindi lang naman ako 'yon, eh. Pati ang Empty, madadamay!" She can't help but raise her voice, too.

He looked at her furiously. "Why are you still defending them? Wala nga silang pakialam kahit pa pumangit 'yong pangalan mo, basta makapag-debut sila. Pinagtanggol ka ba nila?" Javaid argued frustratingly.

She froze with his remarks as she felt a pang inside her heart. She looked away and focused her attention outside the window— refusing to fightback. Pumikit siya upang mawala sa isip niya ang tutsada ni Javaid, pero parang nag-e-echo iyon sa tainga niya.

She wanted to bury those question, because even she was not ready for the answer. Even her, deep in her heart— she was pleading silently that Empty would take a stand that she was innocent. But they didn't. Gusto niyang alisin ang ideyang iyon sa isipan niya, pero hindi niya magawa.

A tear escaped her eyes, but she immediately wiped it with the back of her palm and yet another one came. She closed her eyes firmly, trying to stop the pain in her chest, but her sobs escaped from her lips.

"It doesn't matter..." she whispered, loud enough for Javaid to hear. "As long as I can protect them... as long as they're happy... I can take the blame."

She held her chest because of too much pain.

"Ayaw ko na silang makitang masaktan nang dahil sa 'kin. I don't want to hear Vera's cry again just to plea for them to fight for Empty. I don't want to see Riella and Kohen's laughter vanish again because of me. I don't want Kuya to turn back to the old Oddity... I don't want him to lose his passion for music... not again."

Unti-unting humina ang kanyang boses at tanging hagulgol na lang niya ang maririnig sa loob ng kotse. Javaid rushed to hug her tight. He kissed her forehead as he caressed her back.

"I don't want to see Janus giving up on his music again. Oo... masakit, pero mawawala rin naman 'to, 'di ba? Mawawala rin 'yong sakit."

Pinilit niyang kumawala sa mahigpit na yakap ni Javaid, pero mas lalo lang siyang nanghihina.

"Kaya kong tanggapin 'yong sakit... 'wag lang siyang tumigil sa pagkanta. He's born for it... He's not Janus Valderama without music. I want him to chase his dream and shine brighter than the star even if..." she maffled her cries, "even if losing him is the consequence."

Javaid tightened their hug as she cried all her pain. After bursting in Javaid's arm, Kara fell asleep. Nagising na lang siya nang tapikin siya ni Javaid sa pisngi. Nilibot niya ang paningin para makita kung nasaan sila.

Mabilis na kumunot ang noo niya at hinarap si Javaid. "Bakit tayo nasa Phantom Oak?"

Javaid shrugged and gave her phone. "Kanina pa tunog nang tunog 'yang alarm mo tungkol sa album launch ng Empty."

Bumigat ang dibdib niya nang maalala kung anong araw na iyon. The date that she set where she would bid her goodbye to Janus. The day that she'll let him go to chase his dream.

"I just thought you might want to drop by to congratulate them."

Ngumiti siya nang matamis para hindi makita ni Javaid ang sakit sa mga mata niya, kalauna'y nilamon din siya ng kaba. "Do you think they will be happy to see me?"

Javaid flickered her forehead. "Sasama ka ba o hindi?"

Humugot muna siya ng malalim na buntonghininga at tumango. She then fixed her rumbled hair and put on some liptint.

Pakiramdam ni Kara, sobrang tagal ng naubos nilang oras sa elevator pa lamang kahit normal naman ang takbo noon. Marahil, dahil sa walang patid na kabog ng kaniyang dibdib. Muli siyang nagpakawala ng buntonghininga kaya lumipat ang tingin sa kaniya ni Javaid. Javaid rolled his eyes at her. Kanina pa ito naiinis dahil sa kanina pa siya nagbubuntonghininga.

Ano bang magagawa nito kung talagang kinakabahan siya?

Dumiretso sila sa dressing room ng Lost then Found. Si Stephen lamang ang nandoon, nanonood ito sa laptop habang nakahiga sa sofa, at tipid na nginitian siya nito. Muling bumukas ang pinto at pumasok naman ang manager nina Javaid na si Kuya Niall.

"Walang tao sa dressing room nila. You guys can come. Saglit lang, huh? 'Wag magtatagal." Hinilot nito ang noo niya. "Pinapasakit ninyong magkapatid ang ulo ko."

Hinatid sila ni Kuya Niall sa labas ng dressing room ng Empty. Javaid nodded and encouraged her to knock. Isang malalim na buntonghininga ang muli niyang pinakawalan at dalawang beses na kumatok.

"Who the hell—" Si Kohen ang nagbukas ng pinto, halos mamilog ang mata nito, at muling sinarado ang pinto. Seconds later muli iyong bumukas at isang malawak na ngiti ang sinalubong ni Kohen sa kaniya. Silang dalawa lamang ni Vera ang una niyang natanaw.

"Kara! Na-miss kita!"

He opened his arms to reach her for a hug, but he immediately closed it when Vera cleared her throat. Kohen then looked on his right side, and then gave her a fake smile.

"Pasok ka, Kara..." he said in an uncomfortable voice.

Sobrang bilis ng tibok ng puso niya nang pumasok siya sa loob. Finally, she'll see Janus after a week. Her eyes immediately looked for him. Nakaupo ito sa isang sofa habang may hawak na gitara at nag-i-strum. Her heart sank when he looked at her and met her eyes. They way he look at her is different— blank and painful. It's like he's looking in the eyes of a stranger. The atmosphere became heavy, that even breathing was getting hard for her. She felt a big wall towards everyone in the room.

Ilang segundo siyang nakipagpalitan ng tingin kay Janus na tila hinahanap ang kahit kaunting emosyon sa mga mata nito, ngunit wala siyang makita. Napuno ng katahimikan ang buong silid dahil sa pagpasok niya, ngunit naputol lamang iyon nang basagin ni Vera ang katahimikan.

"Labas na muna kami, bads." Nginitian siya nito, ngunit basa niya sa mga mata nito ang hindi maipaliwanag na emosyon.

When she heard the door closed, she again looked at Janus whose eyes did not leave hers. Lahat ng lakas ng loob na inipon niya para sa araw na iyon ay unti-unti siyang tinatakasan. Who would have thought that it would be painful? She doesn't know how to say goodbye when her heart still wants to hold on.

Tumayo si Janus at ibinaba ang hawak na gitara. Sandali nitong inayos ang nalukot niyang polo dress na puti, at nakapamulsang naglakad palapit sa kaniya. Sumikip ang dibdib niya nang tinapunan siya nito ng walang emosyong ngiti.

"September 1, 2011. A woman driving a Volkswagen Jetta died after being struck by a car at Sachez-Maligaya intersection," he said looking in her eyes. "Sounds familiar, Kara?"

Her eyes widened. Terrified to hear what she was about to tell.

"It was my 13th birthday. And I waited for hours and hours for her to come, but she didn't." A tear fell from his eyes that made her heart throb with pain. "Si Mama na lang 'yong natitira sa 'kin. At nangako siya na hindi siya aalis. She would never leave me. She would be by my side whenever I needed her. She promised!"

Janus closed his eyes for a second and looked at her with pain written in his eyes. "But you robbed her the future," he whispered.

There was a long pause of silence. She stilled. She opened her mouth, but nothing came out.

"Of all people . . . you and Javaid!" He chuckled bitterly.

She looked down. "I'm sorry . . . ."

"You knew it all along! And you acted as if you cared—"

"What? It wasn't an act! I cared about you!" she said, and her knees were about to disown her. "Wala akong alam . . . ." She bit her lower lip, trying not to cry.

Tumawa ito nang mapait. "And now you're lying? Tell me . . . did Javaid tell you to get close to me?"

"Ano bang sinasabi mo?" Naguguluhan na siya. Wala siyang maintindihan sa sinasabi nito.

"Did he tell you to get close to me, so you can ride with my success? Just like what he did, when he left us in the air?"

Uminit ang sulok ng mata niya. The next moment she knew, her palm went on Janus' right cheek and a loud clap echoed in the room.

"What happened to you? Naririnig mo ba ang sarili mo, Janus?" she said. "Javaid regretted leaving Empty, especially you!" Her tears escaped her eyes, but she didn't mind it. She has to defend her brother, because she knew how miserable Javaid was. "Ayaw niyang malaman mo ang totoo, dahil ayaw ka niyang saktan! We knew . . . ." Her voice broke and her heart kept on aching because of the fact that he was hurt.

"It was our fault! Oo! And believe me, it haunts me every fucking night after learning about it!" She looked down, suppressing her persistent tears. Parang may nakabara sa dibdib niya sa sobrang bigat. "Kung kaya ko lang ibalik ang nakaraan. Kung p'wede lang, na ako na lang sana 'yong nasa kinalalagyan niya no'ng gabing 'yon. Ako na lang sana 'yong nawala, tutal, I shouldn't be here. I was a mistake."

Pain crept into her heart like a thousand times. Sobrang sakit na.

Janus looked at her with despise that made it more painful. "Sana nga, ikaw na lang 'yong nawala. It should have been you instead of her," mapait nitong sinabi.

She felt numb with his words. It echoed in her head. Even him thinks that she shouldn't be here. Even him— the last person she expected to hear those painful words.

Suddenly, Kara felt empty. She smiled at him, but her tears kept on falling on her cheeks. "I know. It should have been me . . .," she whispered.

Pinunasan ni Kara ang luha gamit ang likod ng palad niya. Bakit ba kasi ayaw tumigil ng luha niya sa pagtulo? Bakit ayaw tumigil ng puso niya sa pagkirot? Ilang beses siyang pumikit para pigilan ang mga iyon, pero balewala.

"Don't worry, I didn't get close to you to ride with your success." Malungkot na ngiti ang muli niyang pinakawalan.

"Sadly, I did fall for you." Ngumiti siya. "I don't know but your bruised soul was perfect for me, weird right? I'm not even scared of your demons and flaws. Whenever I look at your eyes filled with grief because of your mother and hear those painful lyrics . . . I wanted to fix you. I really wanted to. It's funny how I love you at your worst, and even more when your wounds started to mend. I got to see the whole of you. I'm lucky, I got to see it." Sandali siyang natahimik at unti-unting nawala ang ngiti niya sa labi.

Janus stared at her without emotions. He just stood in front of her, waiting for her to continue. God knows how much she wanted to hug him, but she restricted herself.

"But when my demons resurfaced," she continued, "I thought you would be able to help me fix myself, too. Ang gaga ko kasi, umasa ako na baka tulungan mo rin ako. I was scared . . . every night. I was having a nightmare because of that accident . . . I was drowning in my past and the fact that no one wished me to be born."

She heaved a deep, painful sigh. "I silently wished that you would come or even call to ask me if I was okay . . . if I was doing fine . . . kasi isang tanong mo lang, bibigay na ako. Isang tanong mo lang, nababasag na 'yong maskara ko . . . how I wish you cared enough to ask me."

Janus looked deeply into her eyes and a glint of pain flicked in his eyes. His features softened for a moment but immediately turned blank.

"Do you still care for me?" she asked with all her strength left and wishing she would hear him say yes.

She fought back her tears when Janus didn't answer and avoided her gaze.

"I'm sorry . . . is it too much to ask?" she whispered.

Bumalik sa kaniya ang alaala noong nasa tree house sila. He said he won't let destiny take her away from him. But he's right. Destiny didn't, because he's the one who gave up on her.

All of the things that Kara wants to say to him backfired. She didn't have to let him go at all, because he was never hers to keep.

Her tears ran down her cheeks again. She thought she was prepared, but it still fucking hurts. Thousand times more painful than she had expected.

Both of them stilled when the door opened and an enormous amount of people rushed to them. Sunod-sunod na flash ng camera ang sumilaw sa kaniya, at hindi niya mabilang na microphone ang nakatutok sa kaniya.

"Ms. Sandoval, totoo bang ninakaw mo lang ang entry mo sa ISC?" a girl asked that cut her off guard. Napasandal na siya sa pader, dahil sa sobrang dami ng tao sa loob ng dressing room ng Empty.

"Mr. Valderama, bakit magkasama kayo ni Ms. Sandoval?"

"Janus, anong namamagitan sa inyo ni Ms. Sandoval? Totoo bang may relasyon kayo, at hindi totoong ninakaw niya ang kanta?"

Just then, their eyes met.

Janus was about to answer their question when she grabbed the mic. Fear crossed Janus' face, but she didn't stop— she smiled weakly, and talked that made the press gasp.

"I did steal Mr. Valderama's song composition," she said that made Janus' mouth open. Natahimik ang lahat. "We weren't related," she said, looking directly into his eyes. "I'm just his desperate fan, and I just came here to give my apology," she said, breaking the silence.

Kara once thought that we all have stories we didn't have to tell. She didn't know that their story was one of those.

She saw Janus' jaw clenched and how his eyes looked at her with thousand of unexplainable emotions. She pressed her lips together, so she could fight back her persistent tears and forced a weak smile.

Janus' expression hardened as he tried to inch their gap but he failed.

Kara whispered, "Chase your dreams. I love you," for the last time before a masculine body wrapped her into a tight hug, helping her out of the commotion.

"This is gonna hurt for a while, princess. But I promise everything will be alright."