CHAPTER 31 - Accused Fan

LAHAT NG BAGAY na akala ni Kara totoo'y tila naging isang malaking kasinungalingan. Ang relasyon niya sa ama na pilit niyang isinasalba, ang tinatagong lihim ni Javaid at Oddity, at ang katotohanan sa likod ng mga panaginip niyang nabigyan ng linaw. Lahat ay malinaw na sa kaniya, ngunit nahihirapan pa rin siyang tanggapin.

Pinahid niya ang luhang tumakas sa kaniyang pisngi, tinitigan ang sarili sa salamin, at huminga nang malalim.

'Life must go on, Kara,' she whispered to herself.

Pilit niyang pinapagaan ang loob habang inaayos ang sarili. Kagabi pa siya walang tigil sa pag-iyak simula nang makauwi sila galing sa condo ni Javaid. Gusto niyang kalimutan ang lahat at magkunwaring wala siyang alam. Gano'n naman talaga tayo, hindi ba? We ignore truth for temporary happiness.

She put concealer to hide her eyebags. Ayaw niyang makita siya nina Riella sa ganoong kalagayan. Kailangan nilang mag-focus sa pag-aaral lalo't finals na. Hindi maganda kung magiging pabigat pa siya sa mga ito. She needs to be strong because that's what she is. Muli siyang humugot ng malalim na hininga, at pilit na ngumiti sa repleksyon ng salamin.

"You need to defeat your own demon," she said and faked her smile.

Pagdating sa school- sinalubong kaagad siya ni Riella na nakasimangot habang nakatingin sa phone. She looked down, and it looks like that she just finished crying. Vera on the other side was busy reviewing her notes.

"What happened? Bakit mugto 'yang mata mo?" nag-aalala tanong sa kaniya.

Ibinaba muna niya ang gamit niya sa upuan, at tuluyan na itong nilapitan. Sa halip na sagutin, iniabot lamang sa kaniya ni Riella ang cell phone nito. Naka-open mula roon ang chrome at may isang article news tungkol kay Javaid.

'Blockbuster actor and bassist of Lost then Found Javaid Azreil Rossier, seen with a girl in his condo last Monday. The netizen said, she's his alleged girlfriend, but the actor didn't confirm the allegation.'

Nakagat ni Kara ang ibaba ng labi niya at humugot ng hininga nang titigan ang picture na kalakip ng article. Just like what Javaid said, they will make it a big deal. Mabuti na lang talaga, hindi sila nahuli noong lumabas siya sa condominium nito. Mabuti na lamang, at nandoon ang kuya niya.

"It's just a guy, Riella. Fix yourself. May quiz pa tayo sa chem," mahinang sabi ni Vera sa likuran nila.

Napailing na lamang si Kara dahil hindi niya alam kung ano ang sasabihin sa kaibigan gayong siya ang babaeng pinagseselosan, at mukhang gusto na nitong patayin sa isipan.

"Hindi naman confirmed, 'di ba? It's just a rumor, Riella. Malay natin kapatid naman pala ni Javaid 'yon, or hindi kaya pinsan," mahina niyang bulong dito.

"Sana nga, rumor lang."

The next morning was a Saturday. Mabilis na napabangon si Kara sa kama nang maalala ang usapan nila ni Janus about reviewing together. And probably, she'll tell him about everything. Nakapagpasya na siya- ayaw niyang itago ang totoo kay Janus.

She first checked her phone and she has one message from Janus.

'I'll pick you up by 9 a.m.'

Mabilis niyang tiningnan ang orasan at pasado alas syete pa lang ng umaga kaya nakapag-ayos pa siya. Pagbaba niya ng kwarto'y sinalubong siya ng kaniyang kuya.

"Bihis na bihis, ah, princess. May date ka?" he asked and let out a teasing smile. Nakaupo ito sa sala habang nanunood sa Netflix.

Tinapunan niya ito ng tingin pero hindi siya sumagot. She heard Oddity heave a deep sigh. "Take care, princess."

Hanggang ngayon ay malamig pa rin ang pakikitungo niya rito. Even Javaid, ilang beses siya nitong tinawagan, pero hindi niya sinasagot. She needs time. Sariwa pa sa kaniya ang lahat, at ayaw niyang pilitin ang sarili.

Nakarinig siya ng busina sa labas kaya nagpaalam na siya kay Manang.

"Hey," she greeted and smiled.

Janus didn't answer, but he gave her a smile. She hopped in and Janus drove. Akala niya'y sa apartment siya nito dadalhin, pero ibang daan ang tinahak nila. Pumarada si Janus sa tree house na pinuntahan nila dati.

"Dito tayo magre-review?" she asked. She felt the heaviness of her heart when she looked at Janus' mother's graveyard.

Nilingon siya nito at inalis ang suot na helmet. "Ayaw mo?"

She shook her head. Sa totoo lang, gustong-gusto niya ang ambiance ng tree house na iyon, ngunit hindi mawala sa isipan niya ang laki ng kasalanan niya kay Janus at sa mama nito. If it wasn't for them- she must be here. Iniabot niya ang helmet kay Janus at hindi ito sinagot, sa halip ay nauna na siyang umakyat.

Dumiretso kaagad siya sa maliit na lamesita. Ganoon din ang ginawa ni Janus nang makaakyat ito. Naupo ito sa harapan niya habang isa-isang nilalabas ang books at ang meryendang binili nito.

Ito ang unang beses na lumabas sila simula nang umamin ito sa kaniya. She can't help but smile bitterly, thinking it would also be the last after she confessed everything. Nakapagdesisyon na siyang ngayon ipagtapat ang lahat. Ayaw na niyang patagalin pa, dahil habang tumatagal ay mas lalo siyang nahihirapang magkunwaring okay lang sa harapan nito.

"Do you have speaker?" she asked hesitantly. Hindi kasi siya sanay mag-aral nang walang music. Even if she wanted to, she also think it's rude if she'll use her earphones.

"You also can't study without music, huh?" Janus said, smirking. Saglit itong naghanap sa bag niya at inilabas iyon.

"Let's use your playlist," aniya at kinindatan ito. Gusto niyang malaman ang mga tipo ng kanta nito maliban sa Simple Plan. She wants to know every bit of him.

Janus handed his phone to her. "Ikaw na bahalang pumili."

Iniabot niya iyon, saka nag-scroll hanggang baba. Her heart fluttered then gripped with pain when she saw the last playlist on Janus's Spotify. The playlist was named after her. Pinindot niya iyon at lumaki ang ngiti sa labi niya nang makita ang mga paborito niyang kanta.

Did he get it from Kuya Ei?

Kinagat ang ibabang labi niya, upang pigilan ang sariling maiyak habang tiningnan niya si Janus na kasalukuyang nagbabasa sa Ethics.

She doesn't deserve him.

Iniharap niya ang cell phone kay Janus. "Did you make it for me?" Her voice almost broke, but she managed to fake it.

Janus' brows furrowed then he looked at his phone. Saglit itong natigilan at umiwas ng tingin.

"Just play whatever you want and let's start," he said, still avoiding her gaze. He must felt embarrassed.

Ibinalik niya ang tingin sa playlist nito at p-in-lay ang kantang Stay Close, Don't Go by Secondhand Serenade. Mapait siyang ngumiti at sinabayan iyon.

"If you leave me tonight, I'll wake up alone,

Don't tell me I will make it on my own."

Three hours had passed, and they finished reviewing their two major subject. Janus ordered a box of pizza. Kumuha ito ng isang slice, nilagay sa platito, at inabot sa kaniya.

"Eat first." She nodded and closed her notes.

Muling tumayo si Janus para kumuha ng baso at salinan ng Smart-C juice. He sat beside her. "Here."

Tahimik silang kumain ng lunch at ang speaker lang ang tanging naririnig niya. The silence made her uncomfortable so she decided to break it.

"What course are you gonna take in college?" she asked curiously.

"Legal management." Sandali itong natahimik at uminom ng tubig. "I want to be a lawyer." Kara pressed her lips together, trying not to break. She already guessed why he wanted to be a lawyer.

Janus stared on the bottle of Smart-C for so long. "So that I can give her the justice she deserve," he said with his teeth gritting.

Tahimik na tumango si Kara. Lost in her thoughts. Paano niya sasabihin dito ang totoo? He'd hate her forever. She will lose him.

"Hey." Nabalik siya sa huwisyo nang kalabitin siya ni Janus. He looked at her with worried eyes.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

She nodded and looked away.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm uhm." She heaved heavily.

She wanted to say she wasn't and she couldn't take everything anymore. All of those things that she learned from her past was slowly killing her inside- that she's drowning in her own depths and she couldn't swim back to the surface. She couldn't fight her own battle anymore, because she's loosing herself- but she didn't.

"I'm fine," she said, holding back her tears. "Tara na, review tayo ulit."

Janus looked at her suspiciously, but then he looked away when she noticed him staring.

They studied until the dusk came. She tried so hard to tell him about the truth, but she couldn't. Hindi pa siya handang mawala ito.

Time flew so fast. After ng finals, sobrang busy na ulit ng Empty dahil sa realese ng first album nila. Ang huling beses niya yatang nakita ang mga ito ay noong deliberation ng grades. She tried to talk to Riella and Vera to ask for advice, but they're always busy.

She wanted so badly to voice out her problem, but she knew she can't force them. Alam niyang may mga problema rin ito. Riella was still mourning about Javaid's 'rumored' girl while Vera has family issues.

Simula rin nang nalaman niya ang totoo, naging malamig ang pagtrato niya kay Oddity. She hated the fact that they hid everything from her. She wanted to be mad at him, but she couldn't. Hindi rin niya magawang palampasin ang graduation ng Kuya Ei niya.

Lumabas siya sa kwarto, at ilang sandaling napatitig sa pintuan ng kwarto ni Oddity. Humugot muna siya ng malalim na hininga bago tuluyang kumatok. Wala pang ilang segundo'y bumukas na iyon.

Oddity smiled at her that made her pout. Para kasing inaasahan na nito ang pagkatok niya.

"Yes, princess?" Oddity looked happy when he called her princess. She missed him so much.

Iniabot niya ang hawak niyang maliit na box. It was her gift for him. Bumaba ang tingin ni Oddity roon at muling bumalik sa kaniya. "I'm so proud of you, Kuya. Si Einstein ka talaga." Her voice sounded pissed, but that came from her heart. She's really proud of her brother.

Oddity chuckled and opened his arms waiting for her to hug him that she did. She missed her Kuya Ei so much. Alam naman niyang nagawa lamang nitong itago sa kaniya lahat dahil gusto siya nitong protektahan.

"If you need someone, just call me, huh, Princess." His voice sound sad. "Don't forget that I'm still your brother. And you're still my princess, alright?"

Kara tried so hard to stop herself from crying, but she burst out on her brother's arm. She cried all of the heaviness she felt.

"Why?" she asked, but more likely to herself. Why does she have to suffer like this? "It hurts, Kuya. Ang sakit, sakit na."

She heard her brother sigh heavily as she buried her face into his shoulder. "It's okay, princess. Just cry on my shoulder. You won't heal, if you're always pretending you're not hurt."

She sobbed as tears ran down her cheeks. "I don't want to feel the pain anymore. I should've not been born."

"Hey, princess, stop right there." Kumalas ito sa pagkakayakap niya at hinarap siya. "It may sound corny, but you're the most precious thing that ever happened to me. Stop blaming yourself, can't you? It wasn't your fault. You're not your father's mistake." Pinunasan nito ang luha sa pisngi niya. "Okay lang 'yan, iiyak mo lang, pero 'pag tapos ka na, ngiti na, huh, princess. 'Wag mong tambayan 'yong lungkot."

Tumango siya at pilit na ngumiti. "I'm grateful I have you."

After her brother's graduation was their recognition day. Wala si Oddity dahil kailangan daw nitong pumunta sa studio pero nangako itong hahabol.

"Sandoval, Kassandra Maeve T. With highest honor."

The director and principal of the school smiled widely when Kara stood up. She looked around for her father nor her brother, but pain gripped her chest when no one came. Her fellow schoolmates clapped their hands for her, but she remained silent. She balled her fist, clenching her uniform.

Tahimik siyang lumakad papunta sa stage. Lahat ng kaklase niya'y may kasamang mga magulang at kamag-anak- it was only her who doesn't have anyone today. She again took a glance at the entrance of the auditorium, hoping that either her brother or father would come, but reality slapped her with the truth. They're not coming.

"Congrats, Kara." Sir Jannick rushed to her.

She smiled weakly. "Thank you, sir," she said as she looked away and continued walking until she reached the stage.

The clapping of her classmates slowly faded. Flash of cameras blinded her yet she remained calm. Nakangiti siyang nakipagkamay kay Mr. Yamato- ito ang nag-abot ng certificate of recognition niya. When she faced Mr. Ventura- their principal, he lend her the medal. She was about to accept it when a hand claimed it for her.

"Ako na." She looked at the guy beside her. Sandali siyang natigilan. She knew that voice, even their director and principal stilled. She couldn't find a word to say, her mouth parted.

"Javaid." He lifted her chin up and the upper part of his lips tugged. "Congrats, Spongebob." He patted his hands on her head before placing the medal on her neck.

That moment means a lot for her. She was expecting three, important men in her life but no one came. Her anger towards Javaid started to fade. Mali man ang ginawa nitong paglilihim sa kaniya ng totoo niyang katauhan, pero at the end of the day, he's still her brother.

She can't bear to keep any grudges for him because she knew they just did it for her sake. She regretted acting on her emotion. If she was in his place, maybe she would do the same thing for him. Masyado siyang nagpadala sa galit at sakit. She didn't know that she already pushed away those people who truly valued her- including Javaid.

When the camera man signaled them for a photo op, Javaid place his hands on her shoulder and smiled. Her schoolmates silently watched them as they decended off the stage. She rolled her eyes. Hindi niya gusto ang mga tingin nito sa kaniya. Sigurado siyang pagsisimulan na naman ito ng tsismis kung anong mayro'n sa pagitan nilang tatlo nina Janus at Javaid.

Javaid's back was facing her while walking back to her seat, but instead of going back, she used that opportunity to ask him.

"Javaid," she called and he immediately faced her. He stopped walking as if waiting for her to talk.

"Can we go somewhere?" Javaid heaved a sigh and nodded.

Sinundan niya ito kahit ang iba niyang schoolmates ay mariing nakatingin sa kaniya. When they reached the parking, they both entered Javaid's Lexus.

"What if I refuse to go with you?" she asked seriously.

Javaid ran his fingers onto his hair and looked at her, frustrated. "We can't protect you here, Kara. Paano kapag bumalik si Papa?"

Natahimik siya dahil hindi niya alam ang isasagot. Naiipit siya sa sitwasyong hindi naman niya ginusto.

"Look, I'm not forcing you to come with me that's why I'm not bothering you. I'm giving you time to think. But please consider it. In US, you can pursue music. 'Di ba, 'yon naman talaga ang gusto mo?" He sounded desprate. Malayo sa Javaid na nakilala niya na palaging masayahin. He looked stressed and vulnerable.

Nakagat ni Kara ang labi niya. She doesn't know either. Gusto niyang sumama dahil isang oppurtunity iyon para maabot ang pangarap niya. But she can't leave just like that. Hindi gano'n kadaling iwan ang mga bagay na nakasanayan na niya. Paano si Oddity? Ang daddy niya? Si Janus?

"I'll think about it," tanging nasabi niya, para hindi na ito mangulit pa.

Javaid drove her home, because she doesn't want to stay at school either. Nasasakal siya sa mga tao roon. Gusto na niyang umuwi, at huminga.

"Are you sure you don't want to celebrate?" tanong nito bago siya bumaba.

Peke siyang ngumiti at tumango para hindi na ito mag-alala. "I need time to be with myself, Javaid," she said and bit her lips. She still can't call him 'kuya', that made the atmosphere heavy.

"Okay then." Lumingon ito sa backseat at may kinuhang paper bag na may kasamang bouquet of pink roses. "Congratulations, Kara." He smiled and gave it to her.

"Thank you! I'll go inside na." She bid her goodbye to Javaid. Papasok na sana siya nang muling bumukas ang pinto ng sasakyan nito. Javaid came out of his car.

Hinawakan nito ang palapulsuhan niya saka siya niyakap nang mahigpit. "If you need someone, I'm alway right here, ha? Don't ever forget that."

Her knees weakened as she let him hug her. She tried to control her tears from falling before letting go of his hug.

Javaid smiled at her. "I missed you." He kissed her forehead before bidding his goodbye.

Nang makapasok na siya sa loob ng bahay ay nawala ang ngiti sa labi niya. Wala ang daddy niya or si Oddity para sumalubong sa kaniya. Bumagsak ang balikat niya at isang malalim na buntonghininga ang kaniyang pinakawalan.

Tahimik siyang umakyat sa kwarto at ini-lock ang pinto. Tinapon niya ang sarili sa kama at doon na tuluyang bumuhos ang mga luha niya.

Napapagod na siyang magkunwari na okay siya at malakas. Napapagod na siyang paulit-ulit na paniwalaang maaayos din ang lahat. She doesn't know how to fix her broken self anymore.

"Kara? Nandiyan ka na ba?" Rinig niya ang katok ni Manang na nagpatigil sa kaniya.

Pilit niyang pinigilan ang paghikbi. "Opo, Manang."

"Bumaba ka na lang kapag nagugutom ka na." Nakarinig siya ng yapak na unti-unting humina, indikasyon na umalis na ito.

When she knew Manang Lourdes wasn't around anymore, as if on cue, her tears started to fall again.

Was it bad? Hoping that everything would be okay? After all this pain, everything will fall into place. She's trying her best not to fall apart, she's trying to be strong, but she's tired- though, she's trying her best to accept every fucking truth, it wasn't enough.

"'Tangina!" she whispered as she tried to wipe her tears away.

She heard her phone pinge. Walang lakas niya iyong tiningnan habang patuloy pa rin sa pag-agos ang mga luha niya.

Mabilis siyang napabangon sa kama nang mabasa ang text ni Janus.

Janus

I'm sorry, Kara. Please trust me.

She was about to call him when her phone pinged enormous times. It was a notification from her Twitter account. A large amount of accounts was mentioning and calling her 'plagiarist.'

She stared at her phone for so long. Her hands was getting sweaty as she read some of those tweets about her, plagiarizing a song.

Naguguluhan niya iyong pinindot. Napatakip siya ng bibig nang mabasa ang headline ng isang kilalang news network.

"The vocalist of the band Empty, Janus Valderama accused a 'fan' of stealing the copyright of his composition 'That Cold Christmas Night' that won 2nd place in the International Song Writing Competition 2018."