Elsa

You know they always say you never forget your first love .
But i am not even sure if a know what love is. Like i dont think i have ever been in love .
So tell me why my hart longs for you and you alone.
We were never anything so how come you had such a grip on my hart.

I can see other people , know that they are attractive but i feel absolutely nothing. Not on spark , nothing.

But i see you and my body feels everything.
Like its finely come alive .

Well i guess i should start form the start .we meet when i was ten . I didn't know what attraction was until you . I had then all with you the hart racing , blushing, awkward/ embarrassing moment .

We when to the same schools, youth clubs, football clubs . You were everywhere. There was no escape.

We had all these little moments. I was trying so hard to shut you out but it was like being mean to a puppy.
It started with the small things like always say "hello elsa." It didn't matter if you were with your friends, if i was with my friends even my dad , which was balls not going to lie, my dad a scary dude.
So i had to protect myself I thought i could save us both the hart break by being mean and dismissive, you would eventually get tired of me and my little black Brocken hart would be save form the misery.

But it didn't work with you . How fucked up i must be to think that if i pretend to hate you would get bored and stop giving my poor hart reasons to beat .

Then we had these little moments like that time we were waiting for the school bus and you walked up silently, I didn't hear you until you was right beside me and my hart nearly stop. or that time we had to had to hold hand for one of the games for the little kid and it was a hot sumer day i had to dry my had on my shorts because embarrassingly it was all sweaty.You just stood beside me not sure if i would hold your hand. It made me smile i turned to the side and held my hand and then you took my hand and held it like was as fragile as glass . It made me smile like a idiot.
Then there was you eighteen birthday party , i had finally got the courage more then one word to you .
I had put on a cute dress and found you all alone outside. I walked right you to said happy birthday and just starred a your blue eyes they were soo dame blue i was doomed. I don't know what i expected but i just waited for what i am not sure until i resized my friend was just waiting form me .

On the last day of your school years . You said "goodbye elsa." I soon realize that had a double meaning . Adult life came into play and you were moving to college destined for a promise future full of experience. I was ment i was to stay here work to pay off the bills that were already pilled up . The responsibility careing for my family and animals. Not the oldest child but oldest and only daughter THE fixer.

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I sighed letting go of the door and letting the relief of the crisp night air consume me . My salvation for the hot, claustrophobic confines of the pub . I wanted to go out tonight my bestie didn't even have to drag me out but there was only soo much social interaction i could take before i need a break. It's tough dealing with mostly stupid people.

I have only had one drink so far and let me tell you it was not for the faint hearted my social anxiety when throw the roof after the guy beside me drunkly bumped in to me for the third time .

So here i was outside where there was two people residing beside me the corner pillar smoking.
I walked over to the two wooden bench's that were closest to the door but not two close that you could smell the alcohol for here . Perfect. Making a beeline for the table i jumped up on the table resting my legs on the beach I leaned back on my elbows I breathed in the night air to settle nerves. Looking up at the stars always seem to calm me .

I was thought of the stars as the people or animals we miss the most look down at us ... i Guess i made me feel less alone in a way but strangely enough i was never lonely . I like be by my self . Craved it even . If i was haven't a difficult day being by my self help . I guess i was use to fixing myself the problem i had was when i didn't want to save myself that thing would get dark .

I closed my eyes  taking a beep breath letting my chest expand and compress . 
My best friend was currently being flirted with by a relatively cute guy, she would text me if she need me .
I duly ache in my hart made it appearance.
Opening my eyes i sighed. This was ridiculous.i can't believe at twenty five years old i was still hung up on him it was pathetic.

Did i try dateing ? No . Why because know one compared to him . My hart didn't want anyone else . Only him . So i was doomed to basically be alone forever. I was ok with that but i wanted this longing to stop .
I don't even remember last time i saw him it must of been nearly two year .

And he was a guy in college he definitely wasn't thinking about me . I was a sap . If it was one of my friends feeling this was for a guy I would tell her to move on with her life . That this was turning in to a obsession.
I pulled at one of the frey edges of my black ripped jeans. October hadn't been that cold yet but rainy got to love Ireland weather it Eder rain or is dry .

I lead fully back on the table as i heard the door of the pub the music and chattering Interrupting  my silence for a moment before the door closed and it was quiet again i presume the two people smoking when back in side .

Closeing my eye again I muttered ." What is wrong with me ."sighed leaning back on the table letting my hair fall down over that eage .

"I don't think there something wrong with you if that help". I deep voice I recognised make me freeze.
For starters they were way too close , and how had i not heard the door opening.

Maybe if a close my eyes i can pretend that this not happened. My mind decided then to portray an image of him few years ago when we happened to be in the same beach at the same time and he was there with his younger cousin and i am not going to even get into how my ovaries did a flip at the sight.

Opening my eyes i sat bolt upright. My eyes landed on him with a drink in his hand .
I wanted to scream the wold has a sick sense of humour.

He riseed his eyebrows while siping his drink .
You know what fuck this its been years i need to get over myself.
" uum thanks ". I starred back at night watching the traffic.

"Ok i get it my approval so unwanted."
He had a slight smirk on his face.
" sorry. i was being sarcastic." I shook my head i was falling into old patterns that he all seemed to bring out of me.

He nodded with a smile still on his face walk forward before sitting down on the table beside me . I tensed . Holy shit . He was sitting beside me . In my head i was freaking out .

He took another sip form his drink . I tried to gage how drunk he was but he seem sober enough his voice didn't slur.

" should i ask why your out here when you don't smoke ?." I could feel his eyes on me , but i didn't dare look at him . Those blue eyes had the same effect they had on me since i was thirteen years older.

" i don't like people." I replied simply.
" should i leave then.?"
I glanced at him before answering. What the hell. I liked him for soo long i just need to get this over with.
"You can do whatever you want jack. I am not the boss of you ." I looked up at the stared will me to get the cougar to just tell him.
I felt his eyes on me until i glanced at him .
" i will stay then ?". I said in more of a questioning tone .
I nodded once . God why does he have to starrer so intensely at me it alway made me nervous.

Then silently lands upon us . My brian starts trying to to form a way to tell him . "Hey so i know we barley talk but i think i liked you since i was about twelve and my feelings has really faded for you i need you to tell me that this is ridiculous , and that i need to move on . Thanks "
My mind decided that the perfect time to put a image of when i was fifteen and when to the beach with my family and he happened to be there with his little cousin. He Shirt-less and playing with his cousin and let me tell you you the boy who played football and hurling was built . I am talking eight pack , toned arms and legs. I petty sure it was the first time i was turned on in my life . With my dad and brother beside me . Golden moment really. And he was starring at me while i stood awkwardly in font of his parents and cousin who he was currently trowing sand half arssed because he was staring at me in my shorts and tank tops because my body dimorph has crippled me to think i was too fat to wear a bikini . Yup my ovaries decided yup we what that .

" elsa ?" My cheeks turned a deep shade of red . Kill me now i literally was undressed the guy right beside me me . There is something sooo wrong with me . What the hell.

" what .sorry ?" Yup my face was definitely all red . Just great.
" where did you go just there ." He had his slop sided smirk on his face .
O you know just admiring the fact that you seem to still be as fit as you where back then and it makes my ovaries decided yup we want your children when i don't even like children but apparently you playing with your cousin. Ya figure that when out . Make it make sense.

" umm know were ." Great save elsa . He raised and eyebrows.
" can i ask you a question?" I say . Something that been plaguing me since i was quite young.
He look out at the traffic. " sure why not ."
"The scare you got when you were ten right on your left eyebrow. Where you got stitches . That was really because you were chasing your sister and ran into the side of the door was it?."

I remember him telling everyone that story and at the time I thought nothing of it up until my brother when to his house because our brother were the same year . My brother said that jack had turned on the playstation on and apparently they weren't allowed to turn it on a week day and anyway their father found out and slaped jack across the face in front of my brother and his brother. And then all the times jack and his brother when to hurling training or a match the amount of abuse there father who was also there trainer would shout at then was bad soo bad . Consider bothe his sons were the best players on the time . I often wonder when the lost a match if there dad was physically abused to then. Even back then i worried about him. I was there to support my brother but i worried for jack .

Besides me he tense. His easy going demeanour that reminds me of a golden retriever .
Shit i just gone and made him uncomfortable.

Song suggestion: you're just a guy by Avery lynch

" i am sorry you don't have to tell me. I just .... " i paused because what was i supposed to say i worry about you when your not even mine and the father that your father placed his hand on you make be enraged and what to beat the shit out of him for hurting someone so gently and friendly as you. Ya not weird at all .
" i umm." His face look soo chest fall its all the conformation i need to know my suspicions were right it make me hate his father even more .
I close my eyes . " i am sorry jack . I should of asked that it too personal ."
" why did you ask.?" His face forms in curiosity.

I shrugged. Maybe because i am obsessed with you and overprotective of you .

" just curious."  I look back the night sky. Letting the silence seep into my bones
" you don't have a dink ?" She states.
" I don't drink ". I say simply. I small smile growing on my lips . Ever the golden retriever . Silence makes him uncomfortable.

I decided to lying back again because it more comfortable. His eye watch me as i lean back I noticed the way his eyes focus on the two small beauty back i have on the middle of my neck . I have always hated them i forgot to cover with foundation because i was rushing out the door .
He takes another sip of his drink, before placing it to his side and leaning back on his elbow. Now that his this close i realised that the little boy i know isn't so little anymore he is more  stronger and muscular. It shows intimidate me but it doesn't.

" you have tattoos now ." He jester to both my wrists. " ya." I pointed to my right wrist. " that Mollys paw . She passed away the start of February." I got her paw pint with her name underneath it . To the dog who i had for seventeen years. The dog that was there for me when no one noticed how much i was struggling. I am good at hiding how bad it gets in my head .

" and what about that one ". He pointed to the one on my left wrist. I tense . My first tattoo was a symbol for a ned . National eating disorder symbol. Two think black lines . One curly the other a swoop .

I feel his blue eyes on me , i stare at it because meeting his eyes . "It's an eating disorder symbol." I say simply. Before turning back to the sky .

"When did you get it?" He asked softly his voice is so disarming.
" when was twenty four. December."

He just nodded. Lied back beside me again

" i am surprised you're even taking to me . I think this is the most you have ever said to me in all the years i have known you. I thought you hated me ." He say it with a stupid smirk on his face and i instantly cringe. I never meant for him to think i hated me but i liked having control and i couldn't control my feelings for him so it stressed me out . Don't even get me started on the smirk on his face it make me think dirty though an right now i don't need to be think dirty thoughts .

I closed my eyes because here go nothing . Fuck it might as well be honest about this .

" i never hated you. The opposite actually ".
"What ?." The look on his face was utterly confuses .
" i had a crush on you for years ." I let out a self deprecating laugh.

"WHat!" He sits bolt upright . Turing to face me . " wait." His breathing deepen
I just nodded " yup . I was mean cause I didn't want you to know i had feelings for you ". Well i am already in so deep might go all in . " i thought if i was mean to you that even if there was a slight chance that you felt the same it would be demise because who would like someone who mean to then . Then it didn't seem to work the more i pushed you away . You were still nice to me ".

" elsa ." His voice is soft,gentle . I turn to look down at my hands .
"It made me felt really shity ,really guilty too because i was so mean to you . For no reason other then you made me feel things." I sit up too .  "I don't expect you to say anything really. I just felt like getting this off my chest .so thanks ." I take a breath.The door behind us opened and killian stumbled out the door spilling his drink in the process.
Killian is one of jack best friends . He is a strange guy supper clever be like to let everyone believe his not because being swat is uncool. He an actual ok guy when he by himself but with the lads he an asshole always make fun of everyone picking on there insecurities.i am familiar with both sides of him unfortunately .

" jack there you are". He slurs. Evan,conner  and eion come out after him .
Even is a nice guy , quiet, smart . He was going out with a really pretty girl in sixth year i don't think they're together anymore . Eion is going out with a girl a year younger then him blonde, blue eyes really pretty, know how to dress. And conner if going out with a girl older then him .

"And that my que to leave." I jump off the table Walk around passing killain . Who slurs " elsie . Stay have a drink ."
Ya I don't think so . Stay out side with five guy ya no . Although i trust enough four of the guys i only really feel safe with one . Although i know even since primary school . My trust issues could never .

Conner holds the door for me to go back in . " thanks ." I smiled . One last look at jack over my shoulder who has move to where the guys are trying to hold up killian .our eyes meet, before i turn close the door on them. .

Jack POV

I never seen anyone with more hauntingly sad eyes than i have in Elsa eye.  Embarrassingly I spend most of my childhood trying to make her smile. By doing stupid shit just to get her to look at me maybe even smile.

And now she just dropped a bome on me that she had a crush on me the same time i had one on her . Life had a twist sense of humour.

" where we intruding something.?" Evan ask me watching the look on my face as i still stared at the door .

I glanced at him still taking in what she said . There no way but why would she lie .
" jack ." Evan is the only one who knows about my little crush on her because he has been there for most of it . Evan claps a had on my shoulder. " Elsa." He raised eyebrows.
Killan who was currently singing way to him self bend over puking up his guts . We all cringe. Because conner and eion gab him before he had a chance to fall over in to it . Lovely

What the fuck has this night turned into.
Eventually The guys when back inside and i hesitated for a second before following.

I grab another round of drinks as find a corner table . I briefly wonder what it would be like if i had knowing about the way she felt.
I watching some people dancing on the dance floor and there she is with that blonde friend of her .
I tuned back to my drink and down it . Time to get drunk.

By the fourth drink in a row couple with the two i had beforehand , i am feeling the buzz in my veins.
Evan places his hand over the rime of my drink stoping me from chugging the whole thing .

He starring at me with his big wise brown eyes . "what up ." I shrugged non committal but my eyes travel over to her as she talks to a guy who dressed well has tattoos, she laughed she seems comfortable with him but he looks a bit too stylish to be straight ... i think .

" nothing . I am grand ." I meet his eyes ,hopefully he let me drink .

Evan taned hand runs through his dark brown almost black hair and narrow his eyes . " i presume it has something to do with Elsa . So why don't you just skip to the part you tell me was your whole denier has changed since we intrude you ."
Evan no nonsense attitude was something i valued over the years but right now i want too hate it .

I look down at my drink he has thankfully taken his hand off .

" she told me she had crush on me ".
" had?". His brows furrowed.
" yup . Apparently she had like me the same time i liked her and she was mean because she liked me . "
" shit . Man i sorry ." He sighed. "And you're sure she doesn't still have the same feelings for you?."

Eion comes over " wait what . She said what ."
I frowned great no all that lad know .

Eion slap my arm. " that cant be right. Surely if someone tell you they had a crush on the might still have a crush on you otherwise why would they tell you ." He turn before
Yelling for his missis." Emma!"
Emma was about 5'2 at best eion was 6'3 how that works i will never understand. She was petite with sliver/white hair . Nice girl tho.

" hey ". She smiled. Eion slapped a hand on my shoulder. " my man need woman advice."
She rise a skeptic eyebrow . "Right .. and that concern me how ."
" emzie . Come on help my brother out ."
" i don't need your help  . You're boyfriend sticking his nose where it doesn't belong."

Eion frowned at me squeezing my shoulder harder . " I actually think this a good idea. Emma a girl she know how there brain works."

" o dear god ." She sighed " tell me what wrong then ." Eion pull out the stool beside me for her then when she struggles a little he lifts he up on to it and stands behind her .
I say nothing refusing to say anything because what there to say she basically said she moved on . So what the point.
" he was obsessed with his neighbour for years he, like was like a little puppy pining after her but she showed no real interest until tonight when she told him that she had like him just as Long. The guy still mopping over her all through college too." Evan basically outed me completely . So much for being  my best friend.
I mean what.the .fuck . " your dead to me now . I would be at your funeral now congratulations ."
Evan only rolled his eyes dramatically.

" see . What your opinion."eion starred at her like she was his world in a way she was .
" ok i am going to need more information. Was she just mean to you or ?".
I still refuse to talk do Evan answer for me . " pretty sure she was only mean to him . She was nice to everyone else."
" ok . Ya definitely check out . And she only told you tonight.... She had a crush on you . I would say she probably still likes  you because why would she tell you if she didn't still think about you . She just wouldn't tell you she had a crush . Other than that she wants closer."
I turn to her . " really." She nodded " ya i mean if i was her it would be edar of the two".
I glanced back at the dancing floor where Elsa was dancing with her friend. The blonde looked the most drunk . " is that her.? The one with black ripped jeans?"
" yup ." I sighed. Emma layed  her hand on top of eion hand on the table .
"She really pretty jack . I think you should try other wise you might regret it."

I glanced back at elsa who was dancing on the dance floor her friends,singing far away by nickelback . There was only a few stragglers on the dance floor by Elsa was shouting the lyrics and throwing her hands up to the blonde . Her guy friend was at the bar drinking and watching them with a smile on his face .

Elsa swished her hair . It her curl swirled are it was one of the few times i see her look relaxed and happy .
The song changed to diva by Beyoncé and elsa and her friend yell at the guy who didn't need any encouragement .

I turned turns to the guys . " that guys gay right ?" Evan and eion all turned to the dance floor , where he was now doing a slut drop against the blonde who was grinding on him .

"Yup . Definitely." We said simultaneously.
After few more drink i was officially tipsy. Just a smige .

Elsa's blonde friend was clearly quite drunk and the guy friend was definitely tipsy too .

The guys were currently talking about the batting we got at our last collage game . It was laughable . When i turned back around the blonde Elsa friend was right next to me she ordered her drink and turn to just star at me . What the hell.
I frowned. " can i help you ."
" why do you look familiar." Her words were slight slurred.

" umm we haven't meet ."
" Jesus -siobhan . Can you stop running off like that ."
Elsa voice was annoyed but her eyes had a softness to them .
" now i know you are your the guy Elsa hung up on."
"SIOBHAN!" .Elsa raised her voice slapping a hand over her mouth. " what the hell ."

The bartender handed siobhan her drink. Elsa turned her glare on me . "You let her buy another drink . When she clearly already drunk . Really smart jack ." I held my hands un in defence. " she bought it her self got nothing to do with me ."
Was it weird that I found it attractive when Elsa was annoyed with me.
Like we were back to normal . I guess i like them mean .

" and you don't think to stop her ." Her eyes narrowed on me making her soft features harsh and cold .
" i umh ." I stuttered because my brian was involved of thought.
She rolled her blue eyes . " come on blondie its time to sober up .
" i am starving. Can we go get food now ." The guy walked into the space between me and elsa which shouldn't of bothered me but it did.

" o hey ". The guy glanced at me giving me a nod before turning back to elsa .
Elsa sighted heavily . " john ,Siobhan. This is jack and this friends behind his is Evan and eion ." She did the introduction. " hey . " The john guy gave me the once over before a small smirk appearing on he face but the covered it by drinking his drink.

What the ...

"I need to go to the toilet can you keep an eye on her for me . Then we go .ok ." Elsa faced john
He nodded . Elsa left and john help Siobhan on to the stool .

He tuned back to me his elbow lean on the counter.
" are you going to tell me why your looking at my best friend with come fuck me eyes ?." He rised a eyebrow

I paled . " I wasn't I swear."
" dude . Come on . I have eyes , you were starring hard core at her for at least a hour."
I said nothing because wasn't going to deny it .
He sighed " look man there obviously something going on here but its Nono if my business ."
" wait what ." Now i was confused what was he talking about .

He rise an eyebrow. " i have know Elsa for four years. She the sweetest person ever , i mean aside from the rest bitch face but that only because she doesn't like people but she soo kind to everyone." He look me up and down again ." Asap you. Before you even spoke she was angry."

" ya coz she hates me ." Or at least i thought she did now am confused.

He rolled his dark brown eyes . " elsa loves having control. The only thing that she could count on form her child hood , she had to grown up way before she should've. But your presence alone seems to fulfil her . She only means because she can't control her feelings for you ."

I guped " really. She told me she had a crush on me ."

He nodded. " ya she definitely still has feelings for you . She doesn't look at any guys yet i keep catching her look at you ."

Was he being serious right now .
" she not going to make it easy for you but if you show her that no matter how much she pushes you a way you just wait for her and she will could around. She deserves someone who going to put in the work. Because that girl got a hart of gold underneath the cold exterior. You just might have to break a few walls to get to it ."
No sooner had he said all that Elsa was back .
" ready to go ." They nodded before turning to me " bye"
John gave me a look that doesn't mess this up .

Then they left out the door. I hesitated for a second before leaping up . Fuck this.
I push people out of the way as i made my way outside to find her , she and john were helping Siobhan into the back seat.

" elsa !". My hart jumped when she look at me with confusion. Ya coz what the fuck was I doing.

"Jack. ... what do you want ." I glanced over her shoulder to where john was getting in beside Siobhan and closed the door leaving us alone . Elsa tuned and walked to the driver seat of her black golf. It had work done to it .  She leaned her back on the door crossing her arms over her shoulder.

" nice allies ." Stumbled out of my mouth. I mean don't get me wrong they were nice but not what i wanted to say but i counted it as a win because she smiles. Ans fuck if i didn't enjoy that i made that happen. Her eyes raced over me before sighing .

" thanks. I payed enough for them ."she raised her eyebrows.
I starred at her eyes be Jesus she was gorgeous.

" um maybe you would want to do something sometime.?"

What the fuck was wrong with me . Why was my game soo fuck weak . I contemplated running into trafficking .

Surprised came back to her feather then they  changed into so thing I could quite place but they seem to glaze over and the walls fully back up again and i was firmly exuding for looking in .

" why are you asking me this . Did you friend put you up to this . That it would be fun to pretend to be interested because you knew how i felt."
"What!. No i just thought if you wanted to ."

She sighed stepping forward for her car and in to my space. " look jack .." her voice was gentle this time . " i think i know what this is .  You see all your friends and getting in a relationship and now you want that . And that great . Really it is but ... you shouldn't just get in a relationship be that what you feel like that was you need to do . I am the safe option because you knew how I felt about you . It would be easier but let's be realistic here . We won't work. I'am too uptight for you and you're two easy going for me. We never work . I am working you're in your last year of college. " she shrugged. She looked down . " you like the idea of us and if i was honest with myself i think i made an i idea of you in my head and held you on a pedestal. Which isn't fair on anyone." She looked up .

I felt like she had just cut me open look in side to my brain saw what i was really like to be me and walked away . Why was she doing this . My breathing became deeper . No one like being exposed .

" you dont even want to try ." My voice was scratche .
When she looked up her eyes had water in them .
" i cant . Jack . I cant i am sorry jack . I don't think i am the girl for you . I really hope you find someone who loves you in all the way you whant . I know you find that some day . Your a great person. It just cant be me ."

I didn't think it was possible to feel you hard sink to your feet but it sure felt like it . She turned getting into her car she pulled the window down . Her Crystal blue eyes was filled with sadness and water collected in her eyes of unshed tears .

I lean down, my arms resting on the top of the car door " i really hope some day  someone will take the sadness out of your eyes elsa . And make them shine like they used to ." She sniffed .

" Bye Jack"
I gulped. Putting the finale nail in our coffin . " look after yourself . Elsa . Good bye ." Then stepping back . I watched her start the car . Glanced at me she ran a hand under her eyes . I gut reaches. Before watching her pull out .out of my life . With tears streaming down her face .

My breathing became fast and breathless. Like i just ran a marathon.
Fuck . I just watched her walk out of my life  for good . Fuck why did it hurt soo much.
It wasn't supposed to go like this .

Hey . Hello
Been a while . Hope you enjoy sorry it not a happy ending but i felt this was more realistic
Ya so most of what happened to elsa happened to me and my crush so ya expect for this last part here where she actually tell him for then on is made up .
🖤 byeeee