Benjamin miserably laid on Nonna's couch. With a cold, wet dishcloth stuffed underneath his shirt as he didn't want to take it off, he stared into the distance, a trace on tears on his cheeks. Finger in his mouth. Nose runny. I wiped his hair off his forehead, but he pushed me away.

Wanted Nonna's comfort only. Maybe, because she was a woman. Had a strong, motherly warmth while taking care of him. I let it be. Watched helplessly. "Do you think we should go to the first aid?"

Nonna shook her head, babbled something in Italian to Benjamin. She opened a drawer, reached for some natural ointments and other things I'd had no idea of what it was, but seemed familiar still because of Aurora. She removed the cloth, inspected Benjamin's belly and put on another one. "Is okay, figlio." She gave me a sad smile.

"Can I do something?"

"Think ragazzo need some sleep, yes?"

Benjamin nodded, still miserably. She kissed his face softly. I watched how Benjamin closed his eyes. Nonna sat down beside him on the couch, her hand upon his cheek as she started singing a song in Italian. Benjamin crawled closer beside her, clearly in need of comfort.

I slouched back onto a chair. Watched the bitter-sweet moment. Knowing he'd pushed me away for a reason.

When Benjamin had fallen asleep, I made my way over, crouched down beside him. His belly was still red, heat radiated off it, but the cloth seemed to cool it down. I didn't dare lifting up his shirt, afraid it would be stuck to his skin. "That will turn into a nasty blister."

"My bad, figlio. I am sorry." Giulia said sadly, stuffing the coffee table full with chocolates and biscuits for Benji whenever he'd wake up.

"It's not your fault." I searched eye contact, but she avoided. "Accidents happen."

She pursed her lips, silently turned to the kitchen to retrieve something to drink. When we both had a damping cappuccino resting on our thighs, I noticed something was off about her behaviour. She let out a deep sigh, smiled sadly at Matteo as he entered the house.

"How's Cowboy?"

"Asleep. Fine. Will be okay." Giulia nodded, resting her hand on his leg as he sat down beside her. The silence was tensed. I wondered what had happened. Everything had seemed fine before.

I sipped my cappuccino, waited for either of them to speak up, but they didn't.

"Have you.." Giulia hesitantly said after a long, painful moment of silence, tears slipping out of her eyes. I swallowed. Matthew's eyes showed pain. Though, he smiled. "Figlio.. Benjamin, he can sleep over."

A frown creased my forehead. "Oh, he will wake up. I'll take him with me."

Matthew and Giulia exchanged looks. "We think.. you need some time."

"What do you mean?"

"Some time to think. Alone." Matthew took a deep breath, ran his hands over his face. "I think there's lots going on in your head."

"I've had plenty of time to think." I hesitated. Wondered where they were leading to with their words. "Too much, actually."

"Amore, please." They insisted. I quietly collected my stuff and left their place.

Whilst focusing on the road, I let my eyes roam over my surroundings, too. Trying to enjoy myself. Trying to enjoy the view of the lake resting between the mountains, the sun already hidden behind them. But my eyes deceived me, pushing me to think of the expression on Mamma and Papà's faces. What'd happened?

The city and the villages I drove through started to become more lively, many searching for a place to fill themselves with supper, some starting the wines, other dancing to live bands. Live here was so different from England.

And then I realised, among all those people, I still felt extremely lonely.

As I left the village, it took another ten minutes lonely down the road to reach the lake house. Teddy had already arrived, left when Rafaelle took him for a drive around the area, showing him the changes ever since he'd been here last.

Weak lights lit the house. Now the sun was hiding behind the mountains, darkness took over quickly. I entered quietly, clouded with an entangled mind, I forgot to greet Teddy and went straight to my bedroom.

Letting myself fall onto the bed, I brushed the empty spot beside me, holding back the threatening tears. My heart stung deeply. But I wasn't sure if it was physically or mentally this time. Sometimes in the middle of the night, I tried to search for her warmth, her body, something to entangle myself with.

I usually woke up with her pillow in my arms.

"Zev?"

I looked up. Hazy. With an internal sigh, I remembered I had to change the bed so I could offer Teddy a place to sleep.

"You alright?"

I couldn't answer. So I didn't. I rested my head back down. Stared at the ceiling. Thought about the moment when we'd heard the news. News we knew would throw our lives upside down completely. Her mind so strong, but her body so weak. A constant fight. A constant battle. Draining. So draining.

"Give me a minute." My voice'd turned hoarse.

I walked past him, opened the closet in the other room. Taking out clean duvets and blankets, Teddy sat down onto the bed, giving me a questionable look. "What are you doing?"

"What's it look like?" I threw the clean pillowcase onto the bed, ignoring his eyes boring through my back. "Sorry. I need to change the bed so you can sleep here."

"I didn't mean to give you the impression you had to do that. Don't bother. There's a bed and breakfast not far from here."

I gave him a look. "You can sleep here."

Teddy shrugged. Brushed his fingers over the covers. "The bed seems clean enough. Don't waste your time. And laundry detergent."

"Benjamin slept in it."

"Son, just a child. He doesn't sweat, yet." He smiled at me.

Deep sigh. I sat down beside Teddy on the bed. We sat there in silence for a long time. Eventually, Teddy reached for something behind his back. Cookie dough ice cream. He knew me too well. I smiled almost melancholically, remembering how he'd always gotten me something with cookie dough whenever I had felt low during childhood, puberty, sometimes even adulthood.

I opened it. He grabbed a spoon, which he'd thrown onto the bed without me noticing it. I ate the ice cream, passed him the tub so now and then.

"I was worried about you. That's the reason why I'm here. I am worried about you, son." Teddy licked his- covered in ice cream- lips. "I don't know exactly what's going on, but I feel you're going through a tougher time."

"Teddy-"

"I know you don't want any help. I know you don't want to be pitied. And I can't help you and I don't pity you." He scraped some ice cream off the bottom, handing the spoonful to me. "But at least I can try to give you some relief. Your shoulders must hurt more than mine, with all the luggage you're carrying with you. And I have arthrosis."

I pursed my lips, gazed out of the window.

"What's been going on, Zev?" His voice had turned barely above a whisper.

Swallowing, I stood up, made my way over to my bed. He followed me. I opened my backpack, threw him the slightly yellowing papers, rolled up neatly with a brown, jute string knotted around it.

"You've been reading her letters."

I stared at them. Teddy didn't open any of it. Simply held them in his hands.

"My mind's been a whirlwind the past few months. It brings back too much."

Teddy gave me an understanding look, gave my back a pat.

"I thought I was ready for it. Could read them with a smile." I huffed, fought back the tears. "What was I thinking? It gives me anger. So much anger. So, so much anger. Ah, if only I could hit something I would." My mind was full, threatening to overflow. I could feel it happening.

"What angers you the most?"

"Everything?" I pleaded for him to understand. "The ghastly disease. The choices we'd made. And then her faith towards God. How? How, Teddy? How?" I sauntered my way over to the window, opened it and felt how the breeze gently hit my skin. "How could she be so optimistic, believing, faithful? I'm so angry at God." Salomé's words flew through my head, but I was quick to push them away.

"She inspired so many people. Why couldn't it all inspire me? It'd given me more hatred towards God." I leaned my elbows upon the windowsill, stared at the great mountains. "Why. Just why. I can never figure out the answer to that question."

"So what if you were standing right in front of the face of God. You asked him the question. He'd give you the answer why He took Aurora up to Heaven with him. Would you be okay with the answer and move on with life?" Teddy asked. I felt his presence behind me. He stared outside the window too.

I thought about his question. Came to realise the answer was no. It'd been another way to look at it.

"Maybe He'd gain my understanding a little more."

"You reckon?"

I sighed. "But why me, Teddy? It's not that I'd wish this situation upon someone else, never. But.."

"Some things we, as humans, are never able and will never be able to understand. And I feel it's better that way."

"Why was she so okay with dying." Wetness managed to slide down my cheek. Before Teddy could see, I'd wiped it away.

"Was she?"

"In a way." I slouched down onto the bed, pulled up my knees. "Benjamin changed so much in those months. He's getting out of my grip. At first, it was okay. He did the dishes for me. Vacuumed the house. Tried to clean the toilet. He has a great attitude now. Lies to me. Hides things."

"Sometimes grief grips children later on. The moment itself is overwhelming for them. Now that he's used to the new situation, things are dawning on him. That's what I see, at least."

"I don't want to fail as a dad, Teddy." I looked up at him, felt how my bottom lip quivered. "I know what it is like to live with a father who's never really there, then leaves out of nowhere. I don't want him to feel that way. I wouldn't ever leave him physically, but maybe mentally, it has happened in some ways. How can I fix that?"

Teddy sat down beside me. We both stared at our feet. "There's nothing to fix, Zev. The text Benjamin sent- it was a silent scream for help for you. He doesn't blame you. He's incompetent helping you in this situation. He's only a child. Maybe he's expressing his grief in ways unlikable to you, but that doesn't mean he's drifting away from you just because you think you've left him on his own all this time."

Suddenly, exhaustion hit me like a train. There were a lot of unspoken things, still. But right now, I couldn't seem to find a way how to let them slip out of my mouth. So I kept shut. "I just want to sleep."

Teddy pulled my earlobe. A trait he'd done to me ever since I was a little kid. "Good night."

I watched him leave my room and drifted off minutes later.

Teddy went out with Benjamin for some sightseeing in a city further away for the day. It had given me more time to think things through. Perhaps a bad thing. At the end of the day, I could only see Mamma and Papà's faces again.

They hadn't said much when they had dropped Benjamin off this morning. Neither had he. He'd barely even looked at me. I figured he was still in some pain, although he denied. I'd waved them off with a sigh and had cleaned up the house a little.

Other than that, I had been drinking Disaronno, had lied in bed for the rest of the day. Slept. Overthought. Forcing myself out when I heard my car on the gravel path, confirming Teddy and Benjamins' arrival back home. I'd quickly ran my fingers through my hair to make myself look a little more presentable.

"Hey, Cowboy."

Benjamin ignored me, walked right past me. I watched him, then turned to Teddy with a questionable look. He shrugged, with a frown creasing his forehead. "Nice day?"

"He laughed lots."

Shrugging it off, I gestured to the kitchen. "Had dinner already?"

"We're full and satisfied. Did you eat?"

"Yeah." I lied. Relieved about the fact that I didn't have to cook.

"Good sleep last night?"

"Dreamed of cookie dough tubs."

Teddy gave me a look. I kept my mouth shut.

It was turning late for Benjamin. With that thought in mind, I walked up to him, in the bedroom he'd slept in whenever we didn't share a bed. He had already lied down in it, but with his clothes still on. "That don't seem comfortable."

No answer.

"Are you going to change into your pajamas? It's time to sleep. Also, I'd appreciate it if you would sleep in my room. Teddy needs a bed." The last words turned into a whisper.

"Then why don't you sleep with him? I want to sleep here." It was the first thing he'd said to me today.

"Tough. You can't." I sighed, attempted to sit down beside him on the bed, but he pushed me away before I could. I searched for eye contact. He didn't give me it. "Benjamin."

He faced the wall, played with the buttons of his blouse.

"Benjamin, come on. Drop the attitude already." I hovered over him, reached for his arms, but in a sudden outburst, he roughly shook them out of my grip and glared at me.

"Leave me alone!"

"Am I not making myself clear? You can sleep in my bed, not here."

"I don't want to sleep with you. Because you suck. Big time."

"Excuse me?" I raised my eyebrows at him, wondered what the heck had gotten into him today. Was it another off day for him, had something happened? The exhaustion instantly came up, making my head want to explode. I wasn't feeling like this behaviour, I'd had enough of it already.

"I said I-"

"I want you to get out of this bed right now. Stop the talking back. And I'm serious."

He kept lying there.

I waited. Observed. Wondered if he was in pain. "Is your stomach hurting?"

No answer.

"Benjamin."

"I don't understand you sometimes! Do you want me to talk or not?" Benjamin sat up, tugged at the blankets while his eyes now wouldn't stop gazing into mine. His eyes held something back, but I couldn't figure out what exactly.

"I just want you to leave the bed."

Benjamin scoffed. "I won't. And do you want to know why?" His bottom lip started to quiver. His breathing became erratic. His cheeks flushed red. "Well, do you want to know?"

Confused by his change of emotions, I remained silent.

"I asked you if you wanted to know!" He yelled, standing up from the bed. He held my wrists with his smaller hands, rapidly shaking them back and forth. "I'm asking you something! I'm asking you something! Answer me! Answer me! Answer me!"

I wondered where Teddy was. I wondered why Papà and Mamma had looked a certain way. I wondered what had gotten into Benjamin.

"Answer me. Answer me. Answer me!" Benjamins' voice turned louder, angrier. His stance became restless, his hands reaching for my shoulders as he started shaking my body.

"That's enough!" I nudged his head, but the temper had taken him over. He continued.

"Answer me, answer me, answer me!" Tears started rolling down his cheeks, but they were the frustrated kind of tears. "You won't, for your words will be filthy lies! You lied to me, again and again and again. Over and over and over. You lied to me and I had to hear it from someone else!"

"What are you talking about?" I lifted my hands in despondency, tried to figure out my own son, which used to never take me so much efforts like it did now.

Benjamin started screaming. A haze fell over his eyes. He reached for everything he could reach, shoving the frames and candles and vases off the windowsills, pulling the blankets off the bed, kicking the drawers where his clothes lay, pulling them out, throwing and trashing the whole room. He screamed and screamed and screamed, and no matter what I tried- he didn't stop. It only got worse.

"Don't touch me, don't touch me!" He fell to the floor, lifted up his shirt. Reached for his stomach with his fingers. Started pinching his own skin between his nails. Only then I saw how his whole upper body was littered with tiny bruises.

The sight and thought of it tore me apart.

Why hadn't I ever noticed it before? I crawled over to him, tried to wrap my arms around him so he would stop hurting himself but he kicked me away, irefully grunting.

"You cheated on Mamma. You cheated! How could you?" Benjamin sat up. Hair disheveled. Tears and snot running down his blotchy face. "You said you didn't love her. You said you wouldn't ever stop loving Mamma. You taught me I had to be respectful towards women, then why have you been unfaithful to Mamma herself?"

"I didn't cheat on Mamma.." I truly didn't know what he knew at this point.

"You kissed Salomé!" His voice was loud. Hoarse. He found more things he could tear and throw. "You kissed her and cheated on Mamma."

Oh. Vincenzo. Rafaelle. Either one of them. "Cowboy, that's not cheating."

"Yes, it is! You're married. You're married to Mamma. You are not allowed to kiss someone else." Benjamin's eyes flickered through the room. He climbed upon the bed, jumped against the closet to get something off, but it was too high, so he fell to the floor. "But you still did it."

"It's not cheating. And.. I thought you liked her."

"Yes, it is! Why are you denying it? And I like her but not as my Mamma!" Benjamin collapsed onto the bed, lifted his shirt and started pinching, squeezing his skin with his nails.

"Hey, don't hurt yourself." I removed his hand, felt more worried than the night he'd left the house.

"It's cheating, it's cheating, it's cheating!" Benjamin stared at the ceiling, kept pinching, his jaws clenching. "God would be so angry at you. He would hate you. He would disagree! He would never be okay with you cheating on Mamma, and if she could see you right now, she would be shattered."

"It doesn't work that way, Benjamin. When your partner dies, it means you're not married anymore. In a way. It's what you promise while marrying. Until death tears us apart."

"Then why are you still wearing her ring?!"

The silence that followed was painful to my ears. I stared at my ring finger. I didn't know the answer.

"It's cheating! I hate you!"

"Don't say things you'll regret later."

Benjamin's breathing was still erratic, his face fully red from the emotions and outburst. He looked at me. His gaze telling me too many things. And there he said it. "I wish you'd had Mamma's disease and died instead of her!"

We stared at each other for a moment long. No words were exchanged anymore after that moment.

I turned around. Left him alone. Took off my trousers and sweater. Dove off into the lake, and swum away.

And it was in that moment that hot streams of tears mixed with the clear, mountain waters.

I swum away. Further and further and further. Until the lake house was just a little dot of light somewhere in between the dark mountains. And my tears kept me warm.

•

Time to spice it up a little..

Thoughts?

Teddy being there to help Zev? Needed or not?

Benjamin's words and outbursts...?

Let me know.. where is Zev going?