Quick, painful breathing. Chest rising and falling rapidly. Transpiring heavily. Almost choking. I sat up, grasped onto the covers, hoping they could save me, but my hands felt numb. Chills running down my spine. Weakness taking over.

"Benjamin." I looked around me, finding out he wasn't beside me. "Benjamin?" My hands patted the covers, my mind desperately trying to find him. Hadn't I put him to sleep beside me last night? Had he left the house? Was he outside all alone?

In the middle of the night? In Italy?

"Benjamin!" My chest hurt by the heavy breathing, but I couldn't think straight. Couldn't tell myself to calm down before I had found him.

Something moved beside me, he pushed the covers away from him. They had covered him fully. "What's wrong, Papà?" He blinked his eyes sleepily. I let out a deep breath, the shaking becoming less. The painful chest becoming less. But chills still ran down my spine, my mind pushing me to think of what could happen to Benjamin, to where I could lose him forever.

The thought killed me. I lied back down. Wrapped my arms around him. Squeezed him against my chest.

"Papà?"

"Just go back to sleep. It's nothing." I managed to bring out. I should have never let him go like that each time. How could I have sent him away to Teddy, Daniel, so many times before? Tears pricked behind my eyes, but I squeezed them away. Focused on the smell of his freshly washed hair. The pajamas that faintly smelled like detergent still, mixed with his sleepy body. Thought of my promise to Aurora, about Benjamin. And then lastly, restlessly thought of Salomé.

Before the sun was risen fully, I awoke out of my heavy slumber. It took me a moment to wake up properly, my rather heavy dreaming being the cause of it. It had been a chaotic mess in my mind while asleep. The trip was still going on in my head, the confused feelings, but then mostly, Aurora had appeared.

Glancing beside me, my eyes fell onto Benji, who was deep and far away still in his slumber. With his arms stretched out above his head, the light frown on his face and his lips parted slightly. Pressing a kiss to his warm cheek, I stepped out of bed, unable to close another eye. Dressed in joggers and a sweatshirt, I made coffee. Took it outside and sat on the porch, staring at the calm and quiet lake.

The sun had yet to appear, although the first signs of it were starting to come. An orange glaze fell over the lake, and since there were no waves, it looked like mirror glazing on a cake. Some far in the distance I heard the rumbling of a motor belonging to a boat. The water touching the edges of the world I was standing on made a soft, splashing sound. Benji moved, making the bed creak softly, the covers shift and a sleepy sound erupt from his mouth. I held my coffee on my thigh, taking slow sips while my thoughts left to go on their own waves, mostly of emotions. I thought about Salomé, about Benjamin, about Aurora.

Thought about how many times we had sat here on the porch, watching the sun breaking the horizon while holding the hot coffees in our hands, our shoulders and thighs touching as we would sit onto the steps of the porch, or the feeling of Aurora sitting on my lap, with her left arm wrapped around my shoulders. Soft. Warm. Sleep engulfing us, still. The thing she used to say hurt more today than ever. "Can you imagine, us sitting here, wrinkles decorating our worn out skins, grey hairs from living a life time on this earth, but the traces of crinkles by our eyes because of the beautiful time we spent together? Looking back at our lives and thinking.. we lived it to the fullest?"

"That's the only thing I want, Aurora." I'd reach for her hand, hold it like it was fragile, the only precious thing in my life, not wanting anyone to get a chance to take it away from me. But no matter how much I had tried to hold on, the disease had been stronger. Ripping her away from me. And when she went, ripping half of my heart within, too.

If that part of my heart could ever grow, that, I did not know. But the sharp edges of the breaking were slowly and softly smoothened by someone else. It was just hard to admit it.

Lost in my thoughts, Benjamin dragged me out of it when he appeared with his disheveled hair and crooked pajamas. "You okay, Papá?"

I wiped my eyes, realising wetness had appeared in the corners of it. I nodded, gave him a small smile. He sat down beside me, touched the water with his toes. He visibly shivered, but eventually, he got used to the cold and lingered both of his feet in the lake.

We stayed silent for a long time. Enjoying the view of the clouds hanging low between the mountains, just above the lake, with the outstanding colors of the morning in the sky. The air smelled fresh and clean, and for a moment, I wished I could have stayed right here, for the rest of my life. But it would mean that I'd walk away from a lot of things, and that was a lame thing to do.

"Did you have a nightmare last night?" I thought of the moment panic had fully engulfed my body, took over my mind. I still couldn't really understand what had happened, but I felt ashamed towards my own child.

"I guess, yeah. I'm sorry about that."

"It's okay." Benjamin hesitated for a long time, then let out in a whisper, "I have them too. Just occasionally, though."

"Yeah?" I looked down at him, put my mug aside. "What are they about?"

"Oh, you know. Death." He let out nonchalantly, shrugging along with it, too. His comment made me think for a long time. Was it normal for a boy aged eleven to dream about such things? But then again, his mother had passed away, so perhaps, it was his mind processing that, still? Then the thought of his bed wetting hit me. I couldn't keep my mouth shut.

"Is that why you wet the bed sometimes?"

Irritation flashed onto his face. He couldn't look at me. He was embarrassed, but I didn't mean for him to be. It had been a concern for longer than today, though I hadn't given it much thought before. "I'm just asking, Benji. If it's not that, it could be something medical."

"Like what, ovarian cancer?" He spat out, purposefully scooting away from me. I saw how tears sprung into his eyes.

I didn't understand his sudden reaction. Ever since we had come to Italy, calmness had taken over him, but the underlying anger came back fully now. "What's going on, Benjamin?"

"Nothing. I don't want to talk about it."

"I didn't mean to make you feel ashamed, because you don't have to be. Just want to help you."

He pursed his lips, kept his mouth shut.

"Hey. It's okay. We will figure everything out at its own time." I wrapped my arm around his shoulder, pulled him against my own. "But if you're willing to talk about it, any time, just shout my name and I'll be there."

Benjamin nodded. Let out a deep breath. We stared at the quiet lake. I missed Oprapa.

"Papà?"

I hummed.

"I don't want Gloria to leave the country. Why does she have to leave?"

"Her father might go back to prison in Nigeria. She'd probably stay with some family there." I swallowed, thought of the lawsuit which would be soon. Emotions appeared when I thought of Salomé. She'd have to do it by herself.

"She's my friend."

"Did you see her often?"

"Only at Ms. Livingstone's place." Benjamin played with his fingers. "She liked playing a horse, so I could catch her."

"How many times did you actually go there?" I asked, carefully observing his face.

Benjamin chewed onto his cheek, drew circles with his toes in the water, which slowly became bigger and bigger, until the soft waves made them fade away. "I haven't seen Nolan after school in a long time."

"So every time you told me you would go to Nolan, you actually went to Salomé." His silence confirmed my thoughts. "I'm sorry I wasn't able to give you what Salomé had in her."

Benjamin frowned, his eyes had a puzzled expression. "It's not that, Papà."

"It's alright, campione. I can handle some constructive criticism."

His face expressed more puzzled features. "Papà, did I hurt you?"

"No." I lied.

"Papà, I'm serious. I didn't go to Ms. Livingstone's house, because I may have felt like you didn't love me or something." Benjamin reached for my wrist, desperately tried to make eye contact. "I just.. sometimes I wanted to be away from home. Not from you, but from.."

"The memories?"

Benjamins cheeks had a light shade of pink falling over them. I related to him. I didn't feel so alone anymore.

"You were mad at me for sending you to Teddy and Daniel all the time."

"Because then I actually wanted to be home. And the second thing was that I thought you loved Ms. livingstone. But you already cleared that case." Benjamin gave me a light smile. But my heart became heavy. "I'm sorry, Papà. For lying and stuff. I really am. Seriously. I didn't mean to hurt you. But at home, I just thought everything was so busy and at school things were just too much. Sometimes my head just exploded by emotions and thoughts, because it wasn't able to like.. control everything, or something. And then I behaved stupid, because it was just so chaotic everywhere."

Looking down at him, I reached for his smaller hand, holding it in mine. He was expressing so much, and I'd had craved for it. It was the right time. We were together. No people bothering us. Just in nature. In Mamma's country. He felt safe. He had enough space to think about stuff. I did too.

"I'm sorry you felt that way." I pressed a kiss onto his forehead.

"I feel much better here."

"We needed the break."

Benjamin stood up, took off his pyjama pants and stood in his horse boxer shorts and shirt.

"What are you doing?"

"The last one to be in the water is a super loser." He pinched his nose and ran into the lake, diving deeply into the blue water. He made clear that the talking was over. I grinned, stripped down to my underwear and followed him. With his brown fringe stuck to his forehead he swam back up to the surface. "Papà! You're the super loser!"

I dove his direction, reached for his small waist and threw him back into the water, hearing his loud laughter echoing back and forth between the mountains.

After warm baths, some board games and him entertaining himself with his cowboy figures, I felt motivated to cook extensively. Mamma Giulia had stuffed the fridge full, so I had all the ingredients to make a risi e bisi, some kind of Venetian risotto. Aurora's recipe.

With steam coming from the pans and the extractor hood almost sucking out my eardrums, I stood at the kitchen counter, preparing the food. I had decided to make some tiramisu for Benjamin too, but of course without the alcohol.

I whistled, felt content for once. It gave me some hope, wondered if things would go well from now on. Especially with Benjamin- he was the most important thing in my life. It felt like we had actually talked, for the first time in a long while. I'd almost forgotten how clever he was. Serious conversations with children were already pretty rare, but it was important. For our grief, mourning process which was still going on.

Benjamin appeared in the kitchen, sniffed his nose. "What's for dinner?"

"Risi e bisi."

"Mhm." Benjamin reached for the recipe, read over it quickly and prepared the third step, whereas I was busy preparing the second step. I watched him cook for a while, let him do his thing. He seemed to enjoy it thoroughly. He started singing an Italian song, got lost in his own world.

I couldn't help but smile, hoped Aurora could see us.

When the food was ready and sat on the stove to keep it warm, we started setting the table. Benjamin reached for a bowl, stuffed it full with the salad. "Come on, Benjamin, put the salad in a bowl." He imitated Aurora's voice. "Why, Mamma, salad is salad! It can stay in its packaging." He let out a sigh, rolled his eyes. "Campione, no. We're going to enjoy this dinner and the packaging does not make it look cosy on the table."

I laughed a little, watched him. "You know, I still hear her talking in the back of my head sometimes. Scolding me. Cursing at me in Italian. Zev! The cutlery is wrong!"

Benjamin laughed back at me. "Benjamin, put the sauce in that small bowl over there." He frowned. "But, Mamma, the sauce is in that bottle so you can squirt it out easily." He shook his head. "Put it in the bowl, Benjamin. Sei impazzito. You hear that? Squirting? That's the reason, campione."

"Zev, get the candles and light them, please, amore." I reached for candles, lingered them on the table. "Aurora, it's summer." "What are you, pigs? Devouring dinner so you can go back to doing what? Ragazzi.. I've got to learn you lots. Dinner time is family time."

It stayed silent after that. I continued setting the table. It wasn't until I heard some sniffles that I realised Benjamin was crying. "Hey.." I stretched out my arms, he ran into them and squeezed his arms around my waist like he was afraid I'd leave. Loud sobs left his parted lips, tears rolled down hysterically, his breathing was erratic. "Amore.."

"I miss her so, Papà. I miss her so much." He hiccuped. It didn't take me long to start crying too. I allowed the tears to come, didn't bother hiding them.

"I miss her too, campione."

"When will it get less, Papà. Sometimes I think I feel good and then something comes and reminds me that Mamma is dead and then I get so sad." He mourned, pressed his face in my sweater.

"I know." I whispered, stroked his soft hair with my hand, while my other arm was wrapped around him. "It will get better. Eventually. Trust me."

We cried for five minutes or so more, not saying much. Eventually, Benjamin pulled away, took a deep breath and looked somber. "That was another ten points off my manliness."

"Come on, it were just the onions." I pointed at the dish, Benjamin smiled. I whistled, shook my head. "We gotta eat ice cream to make up for it, though."

The grin that appeared on his face was bright.

•

Hope this chapter was good :) let me know your thoughts in the comments!

What do you think of Benji expressing stuff little by little?

Zev's way of thinking? Is he getting there?

Hopefully all is well with you x