Thoughts had betrayed my feelings. Endlessly, they had, throughout the whole night, wondered what Salomé had been doing at that exact moment. I wondered if she slept, if she was trying to contact me, wondered if she just let everything be and let me go that way.

I wondered if she thought of me. Missed me, like my feelings told me I missed her, even if I couldn't understand why. I was exhausted by my own mind, pulling me back and forth between the two of them. Trying to figure out what to do. Trying to figure out why I'd done the things I did. Trying to figure out my true feelings, and not the impulsive, irrational ones. Or hadn't they been not thought through?

Taking a deep breath, I blinked my tired eyes, my free hand playing with Benjamin's hair. The other arm occupied as his head rested onto it as he slept. The room was still dark, but slowly, the sun was rising. I listened to Benjamin's soft, sleeping breathing. Watched his chest rise and fall. It was soothing, took my mind off things. I enjoyed being here with just him.

We were out of the situation at home. Didn't know if it was right or not, but the time off together felt needed to me. I could focus on him only. Given if my mind would allow me to. Which, until this point, it hadn't fully.

Wrapping my other arm around him too, I pulled him close to my body, kissed his earlobe and dozed off.

When I awoke for the second time, the sun had risen fully. Benjamin was still asleep, making me sigh. I carefully removed my arms from him, tucked him back in and made my way over to the kitchen. Opening the fridge, a small smile made its way onto my face when I saw how stuffed it was, Mamma Giulia having taken care of it.

The freezer offered me fresh cornetti dough. I swallowed down memories, took the dough out of its cling film, I warmed up the oven and made myself a cappuccino. Once the cornetti's were in the oven, I got dressed and freshened up. I opened the door of the lake house, smelled the freshness of the water in front of me. I stared. Far distance. Didn't see him. I mourned thinking of Oprapa.

Then the blossom tree. I bid her a good morning.

Freshly baked with the timer going off, I left the door open and prepared a nice plate for Benjamin in bed. Cornetti's. Milk. Some fruits. He was just waking up when I entered the room. With his arms resting above his head, he sleepily looked at me. He let out a big yawn, sat up with disheveled hair. "Buongiorno, Papà." He said, voice hoarse from sleep.

"Morning, chap. Avete dormito bene?"

He narrowed his eyes. Nodded. "What do you have there?"

I sat down onto the bed. It dipped by my weight. "Your breakfast."

Benjamin took the plate from me, observed it for a while. "Fresh cornetti's?" He took a large bite, licking his lips.

"Hey, don't forget your prayer." I nudged his cheek with my finger. "You'll get stomach ache, otherwise."

He chuckled. Closed his eyes. A brief moment of silence later, he gave me a questionable look. "They taste like Mamma's cornetti's.."

"Nonna made them."

Benjamin continued eating. "What are we going to do today?"

"Well, I thought I'd take you somewhere today.."

"The city of love?" Benjamin scrunched up his nose. "Utterly disgusting!"

"You'll fall in love with it."

"How could I possibly do that?" Benjamin stayed close to me, his eyes raking over the other tourists who were busy pushing their ways through each other, bumping against me and him several times. The streets were packed, I forgot how much of a big deal this place was. "Oh, can I have one of those bracelets?" He gazed at a man sitting on the sidewalk, displaying tons of different bracelets.

"I thought you could possibly not fall in love with this city- let alone want something that belongs to it."

He rolled his eyes. "Just a bracelet."

I chuckled. "Maybe later. Come. I want to show you something."

Benjamin didn't ask further. We walked through the city, it felt a little like home. Hearing Aurora's main language, seeing her roots, the city she loved, too. Thought of Salomé, remembering she told me she'd been here after a rough time in her life.

We glanced through the window shops, I whistled when I saw the expensive clothing shops Aurora used to drag me in. Hummed in delight when I saw an ice cream shop and groaned when Benjamin wanted to enter a toy store.

He'd ran over to a certain section, tried on several western hats. I bought him one.

"You know, cowboys and Italy aren't exactly a right combination."

"I don't care, papà. English teachers and Italy aren't either."

"Actually, it is a perfect combination."

"Of course it is. You'll always find a reason."

"No, come. Let me show you the thing we were here for in the first place." I reached for his wrist so I couldn't lose him and dragged ourselves through the mass of people. The entrance was so small that, if it wasn't for the many tourists, you'd accidentally walk by easily.

I stared up at the brown brick stones, the gates which would close at night and let out a deep breath, trying to push the memories aside. Walking through the small tunnel, I gazed at the walls, where people had littered it with the names of their loved ones. Couples. Hearts. Arrows. Cupidos. I remember Aurora and I doing the same, but I couldn't remember where we had done it.

Shuffling further, we had fully entered the small area and my eyes fell onto the balcony.

"Where did we end up?" Benjamin tried to look unimpressed, but he couldn't take his eyes off the balcony.

"Benji!" I shook my head. "Man, where did it go wrong with raising you. This is the balcony. The balcony." I rested my hand in his neck, pushed him forward so people wouldn't block his view. "Shakespeare. Romeo e Giulietta."

"Oh." Benjamin frowned, slowly took everything in. "Can I have your phone? I want to take photos."

"Sure." I handed him my phone, watched him as he tried to take decent photos of the balcony, but cursed in Italian under his breath every time someone would stand upon it, a paid feature, that was. Elderly looked at Benjamin with raised eyebrows, and since I was so used to the cursing being in Italian, reminding me of Aurora, the thought of Italian people finding it rude never struck to me before.

I couldn't help but chuckle.

"What is that?" He pointed right ahead. My eyes followed his gaze.

"Statue of Giulietta." Excusing myself while pushing through the mass, I brought Benji near it. "You have to touch her breast."

"What?!"

"It's for good luck." I couldn't help but laugh.

"Papà! Seriously!"

"I'm dead serious. Look, everybody is doing it." I pointed at the tourists, who rested their hands upon the statue, grinned and smiled for the photos. "I've done it before, with Mamma."

"I'm not going to do that." Benjamin's cheeks turned rosy.

"Come on! Why not?"

"That's just weird." Benjamin huffed.

"It's a statue."

Benjamin groaned, tried to walk away from the statue.

"Not so timid, you." I teased him, pulling his nose. "Oh, look. They're waiting for you." I couldn't make out any of the Italian rattling somebody did to us, but when she crouched down in front of Benjamin and invited him over to the statue, he placed his western hat onto his head, stuck his chest out, walked over to the statue and smacked his hand upon it quickly and harshly.

"Benjamin." I covered my face with my hands, bursted out into laughter I hadn't had for a long time.

"What? It's just a statue." Benjamin cracked a smile and when I replayed the image of him touching the statue, it brought me back to a painful day. Not only for me, but for Aurora too.

Benjamin had almost been one, keen on breastfeeding still. Aurora adored the feeding moments. It was something so indescribable, a man wouldn't ever be able to understand what it was like, she'd say.

She'd had stomach aches, regularly. Many examinations. No results. Antibiotics. No results. Aspirins couldn't be used, so. No results. I cannot even remember what kind of medication she'd been given at last. All I knew is that it wasn't good for babies.

"Are you pregnant? Breastfeeding?" The doctor had asked, to which Aurora had nodded. "Right, in combination with these medications, codeine, it is not safe to breastfeed. I suggest you stop breastfeeding while you're using the medication. It can harm the child's health, of course we want to prevent that."

"Stop breastfeeding?" Aurora had frowned, had gazed at the strip of medication in despair. "You mean I have to.. switch to fabric milk powder? I don't want to give him that." We both glanced at Benjamin, sitting in the stroller, entertaining himself with the horse stuffie.

"Those fabric milk powders, the way you like to call it, is completely safe for the babies. Million of babies grew up with it. There is absolutely nothing to worry about using that type of milk. I can assure you that. However, if you're breastfeeding him while using the medication, it can be a risk." Doctor had laid the papers down onto his desk, glanced between the two of us. "It is up to you. No medications, pain and breastfeeding, or medications, no pain, and the other type of milk."

Aurora stayed quiet for an awful long time. I had frowned, nudged her shoulder. "Aurora, come on. You're dying from pain. Take on these medications, please. You're not doubting it, are you?"

"But, Zev.." She had glanced at Benjamin, I can still see the pained look on her face. "What are the risks, breastfeeding and taking the medicines?"

"Mrs. Malin.."

"I just want to know." She begged.

"They excess sleepiness to the infant, difficulty with breastfeeding and they can cause serious breathing problems which may result in death."

By then Aurora's eyes glazed with tears. Her mind clearly debated between the breastfeeding and the constant pain.

"Amore, come on. You don't want to live with the pain-"

"You don't know what it's like, Zev." Tears ran down her face. "How can I just stop? It's a moment for me and Benji only. Skin to skin. Giving him the nutrients that my body is providing just for our own child. It's so important. To me, at least."

I thought of our sleepless nights because of her pain. The throwing up. The pained moans. The restriction of things we could do. And yet I kept my mouth shut.

"Fine, I'll take the medicines." Aurora had snatched the bag with pills from the doctor's desk, mumbled out a grazie mille and stamped over to the door. I gave an apologetic smile to the doctor, who had simply waved it off, telling me it happened more often.

When in the car, Aurora couldn't stop crying. She refused to talk, so I simply held onto her hand the whole ride long, drew her a bath and kissed her until she fell asleep that night.

Then the next couple of days came. She started taking the medication. Bought the fabric milk powder, clenched her jaws every time she had to make it but sent me off to work with a deep kiss every morning.

I remember being done earlier than usual. The children at school had the afternoon off to work on their big project, which they would present to their parents on a specific evening a few weeks later. I had driven home, came through the backdoor and stared right at Aurora.

Sitting on the couch. Breastfeeding Benjamin. Empty strip of pills on the table. Benjamin's little hand resting upon her breast.

"Zev.." Her eyes had widened, she removed Benjamin from her breast and pulled her shirt down. "I.. you're home early."

Something started raging inside of me. I ran over to her, took Benjamin out of her arms a little too rough, to which he started crying. I started screaming. "What do you think you're doing?! Don't you remember what the doctor has told us about the combination of using the medicines and breastfeeding? Have you gone insane?"

"Zev." She was hurt. "Don't scream in Benjamin's presence."

"No, Aurora! You need to listen to me!" I remember bouncing Benjamin up and down, trying to contain my own emotions, but they were all over the place. "Do you want him to die? It can cause serious breathing problems which could lead to death!"

"Zev!" Aurora had stood up, walked over to me. "Just hear me out! I didn't take the medicines today, I promise!"

"I don't care! It's still in your system!"

Aurora remained silent, her breathing erratic, her eyes full of deep pain, grieve in some ways.

"Yeah, think that through! If you're doing this one more time, I'm taking him with me to my work. And I'm serious!" Holding him to my chest, I had stamped upstairs, held Benjamin close and tried to find something in his behaviour. Everything seemed fine.

I had sunken my head in my pillow, let out a deep breath and cried tears of pure regret. Benjamin's hands laid flat on my stomach, he puked, I hadn't held him the right way. Had been too rough with him after he had drank the milk.

I remember cleaning him up, putting him down for a nap and staying in bed until Aurora joined me for bedtime. She cried her heart out. Kept repeating how sorry she was. Kept repeating how painful it was to just stop abruptly with the breast feeding. Kept repeating how she couldn't explain it. How a man wouldn't be able to understand it.

And she had been right. I'd never understood, but I regretted acting the way I had done to her.

For it hadn't been the only time.

•

Thoughts? Benjamin and Zev spending some time together finally?

Zev's flashback?
The way he reacted towards Aurora?

Let me know your thoughts in the comments :) x