I woke up with a heavy flight or fight response. My body was tense, sore, but vigilant. Thoughts flew around like a tornado, telling me to flee now I still had time. Anxiety ran through my blood by the thought of Salome's words and gift the night we had kissed.

Ran through my blood when I thought of the kiss, my feelings for her, but then how she betrayed me, trampled my heart, with Benjamin's situation. Thought of all the other people I had hurt along the way. Close friends, family. I needed to get away. Benjamin needed to get away.

With that thought in mind, I reached for my phone. "Papà e Mamma.. I've got a question." When I hung up, I shoved my suitcase from underneath my bed, jogged over to the wardrobe and shoved the clothes I could reach into my arms, dropping them into the suitcase.

One glance at the clock. Seven am. I had barely slept three hours, but the adrenaline pumped me awake.

I threw one of Aurora's knitted sweaters over my bare upper body, black jeans under that. A quick wash up. Toothbrush in my backpack, I left my charger at home on purpose. Salomé had called me several times, throughout the whole night. Left several text messages, as well as Teddy and Daniel.

My fingers did not allow me to answer, so as the battery drained empty, I let out a deep breath of relief. I still had time to get away from here, without anyone knowing.

When I had collected the basic needs I'd be needing along the journey and the stay, I went over to Benjamin's room. He slept, with his face humid from tears. The photo of him and Aurora laid beside his pillow, the glass fogged up due his warm breath and the tears that laid on it. The frame of the picture had engraved into his skin. As if my heart hadn't been broken by now, it broke a million times more.

Gently reaching for the photo, I cleaned the glass. I saw Aurora, wearing a floral dress and a knitted sweater on top of it. Too much colors in her clothes, but she looked stunning. Her black hair was loose, she held four years old Benjamin in the air, their lips exchanging a soft kiss.

Tears had dried up after the intense couple of days, but I knew if it wasn't for that, I would have cried oceans.

Opening Benjamin's closet, I reached for his cowboy themed suitcase, repeated the action I'd done and dropped his clothes into there. Reaching for a sweater, I carefully wrapped it around the photo of him and Aurora, laid it between his clothes so it couldn't get broken.

Benjamin awoke by my fast and rough movements, and no matter how harsh I had been last night and told him I didn't want to see him for the rest of the day, my heart warmed, in a painful, but loving way when our eyes met. His hair, so disheveled, the engraved pattern of the frame in his cheek, the gap between his teeth, the rosy cheeks.

He didn't say anything, he wouldn't dare. I could tell the suspense of what I was doing confused him.

"You miss nonno e nonna, hm?" I removed the eye contact, focussed back onto his suitcase. I walked over to him, pulled the pillow under his body away and provided it of a clean pillow case before I stuffed it into the suitcase.

Benjamin's voice was hoarse when he finally spoke after a long time of silence. "I thought you'd evict me."

"I'd never do that, Benjamin." When his suitcase was fully closed, I walked over to him, held his face in my hands. "Are you hurt?"

He shook his head, but I could tell how the tears were starting to glaze his eyes again.

"There's a lot unclear to me, and I bet to you too, but we will find a moment to talk about that. I think we both need a break. From here. From.." People. I thought by myself, but Teddy and Daniels' words echoed through my mind. Don't run away from people. Don't run away from yourself.

And it was exactly what I was about to do.

"Get yourself cleaned up and take a wee. It will be a long ride."

"France." Benjamin whispered, pressing his cheek against Ferdinand, who was sandwiched between the window of the car. Five hours drive to Dover, one hour and thirty minutes on the boat later to Calais, and we had arrived in France.

It would be a long drive still, but I drank ditches of coffee and with the reassuring thought that we would grab a hotel somewhere later today, I felt calm and motivated to drive further. "Bonjour, mon chèri."

"Non essere sciocco, Papà." Benjamin cracked a little smile. It seemed unsure. It was the most he had said to me today. No wonder. Anger had taken over me completely last night, and no matter how mad I still was, I was starting to let things go along the way.

We were out of context, it made me more understanding. There still was a lot to talk about, but it would come at the right time.

Leaving the boat went quicker than I had thought, so within no time, we were back on the highways. We passed several big cities, to which Benjamin asked a few questions. Other than that, he was fairly quiet, his eyes closing so now and then.

We stopped a few times for coffee and hot chocolate for him. Sandwiches. Sweets. Water. And well needed wee's. Some emergency.

When dinner time arrived, I called several hotels to see if they had a room free for the night, with another hotel's phone which couldn't provide us for a room. After five rejections due to them being full, we finally found a low-key, but neat hotel an hour away. I parked my car on the designated place, helped Benjamin with the luggage and checked in.

Sent to our room, we dumped the suitcases and I dropped myself onto the bed, watching Benjamin do the same. He licked his lips, stared at the ceiling, clearly lost in thoughts. I crawled closer to him, wrapped my arm around his small body and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

"Guess what?"

Benjamin looked at me.

"They have a bathtub here."

Benjamin smiled.

"Do you want to eat dinner down in the restaurant, or do you want to use room service to order a big fat burger and some french fries?"

No matter how mannered and neat Benjamin could eat, liked fancy foods and the rules when it came to using cutlery, he was still a child, and would dive into fast foods any time. Therefore, his answer didn't surprise me, and made me smile.

"I would like a burger. You, Papà?" Benjamin sat up, timidly played with Ferdinand. "If you want to go to the restaurant, we can still go.." I let out a soft sigh, stroked his cheek. Clearly, he was afraid of making me mad.

"Look, Benjamin. Papà is not mad at you anymore, no matter how much explaining we both need to do. I know it seemed like I'd never forgive you after last night, but my emotions went ahead of me." My thumb brushed over his soft skin. "Maybe Mamma gave me some of her temper, too."

Benjamin smiled a little.

"Come, we will order some food to get into our systems, maybe take a shower or bath. Lie in bed, watch some telly. Sounds good?" I suggested. "The talks will come when our energy level has been a bit jacked up."

"Sì, Papà."

The room service came quickly, so it wasn't until ten minutes later that we had put the plates onto the bed, seeing they didn't really have a dining table, and displayed the food that way. I stuck my cold feet underneath the blankets and reached for the burger, switching on the tv. Everything was French, no English subtitles, so with the images displaying and the both of us interpreting what was happening, we let out some laughs, easing the atmosphere.

When the burgers and fries were gone and our stomachs satisfied and full, I stepped out of the bed to take a quick shower. After that, I shoved open the curtain, finding Benjamin on the bed, almost tucked in to up his neck, eyes almost closed as he stared at the television.

"Amore, want me to draw you a warm bath? No Poppy's here, no cold wind. Just a hot bath."

Benjamin blinked a few times, turned his head to me. "Per favore."

"We're in France, mon chèri. You need to talk French."

Benjamin laughed a little. "No, Papà. I need to practice my Italian when we see nonno e nonna. You think zio Rafaello e zio Vincenzo will be there?"

"You know how Mamma's family is, amore. The moment they hear we will come over to the lake house, it will be packed with family members. So prepare for that."

Benjamin nodded. With that, I left him alone and started preparing him a warm bath after spraying the tub off with hot water. I added loads of hotel soap and threw his cowboy Playmobil in it, calling him over. The door was left ajar for the steam and when I heard him plopping down into the water, I lied down onto the bed and stared at the television, but my ears were fixed onto Benjamin's soft conversation between the Playmobil cowboys.

"I'm on the edge, you need to help me before he will drown and die." Benjamin's tones in his voice made me smile. No wonder he had won the reading competition. It was full of compassion, and I could hear the portrayed expressions in there. However, I wondered what he meant with his spoken words.

"It is just a bull, Matteo. What does it matter? He drowned and died, let it be. You need to leave the edge."

"Oh, ciao. It is not just a bull, how can you say that. He saved my life."

"It's an animal, Matteo. You're not worrying about what happened with the cow when you're eating a hamburger either, isn't it?"

"But, he saved my life! Why can't I save his life? Please, help me. He will not be able to swim much longer before he gets tired and dies."

"How did he save your life? You're dangerous doing steer wrestling."

"No.." Benjamin remained quiet for a long time. "He helped me express my emotions when my mouth could not. And if you let him die, I'll die along. For no one will be there to help me anymore." I heard a loud splash into the water, a gasp following after. "No, Matteo!"

Drops of water dipping into the bath, Benjamin moving around. The noises calmed me. But when it stayed quiet for more than five minutes, I wondered what had happened. Sitting up, I opened the door a little more with my toes. "Everything alright, Benji?"

He lied down into the tub, rested his arms onto the edge, his chin on his arms. "My hair.."

"Do you want me to wash it?"

He nodded quickly, timidly looked away when I came his direction. I dipped my hands into the water, instructed him to wet his hair. With some shampoo in my hands, I started massaging his scalp softly and slowly, remembering how he had gotten angry last time. "Did the bull survive?"

Benjamin let out a sorrowful sound.

"Matteo?"

Another sorrowful sound.

"What was that about?"

Silence engulfed us. When his hair was washed and I had left him for some privacy to dry himself and get dressed, he climbed into bed the moment he was done. With the lights off and the television playing softly, he tucked himself in. "I learned.. I practiced with my emotions through a bull."

"How's that?" I frowned a little, not entirely understanding his statement.

"Won't you get mad, Papà." Benjamin started crying, hid his face in his pillow. It stayed silent for a long moment, forgetting the sound of his soft sobbing.

I frowned again, tried to search for emotions on his face, but he hid it every time eye contact was almost made. "Have you lied to me about certain things?"

"You lied to me too!" Benjamin shot back, getting defensive instantly. I wondered if that was another mechanism he had developed through my behaviour. It worried me. Pained me.

"Benjamin, can you just tell me what you're wanting to say? I won't get mad, I promise." I whispered, holding his chin between my fingers to get the eye contact I'd wanted for a while now.

"It was when Ms. Livingstone was new in the village. Nolan and I cycled by and my eyes fell onto something in her backyard. It was a mechanic bull, Papà. And I liked it so much and I rang the bell when I came back alone another time and I asked if I could see it for only a little time and then Ms. Livingstone asked me if I wanted to ride the bull, because it still worked and then I did that and I liked it so much."

Ms. Livingstone. Salomé.

"And Ms. Livingstone told me sometimes children came over to play and she said I was always welcome in her house and then sometimes when I was feeling sad I went over to her house and I could always ride the mechanic bull. I'm sorry, Papà. For lying, but it was so nice and it made me feel so happy and she was so sweet and I was afraid you didn't want me to go there."

Benjamin was overly upset, but I could tell it was real. Slowly, things were falling into place.

"Sometimes Ms. Livingstone asked questions when I was on the bull and I could play with the bull and express my emotions. I don't know how, Papà, but she asked good questions and then while I played I felt relieved."

The play therapy.

"How many times did you go there?" I asked, without my liking, with a hoarse voice.

Benjamin looked away, snuggled deeper into the blankets, his back turned to me.

"Benjamin, we're talking. Look at me." Benjamin let out a soft groan, turning into a sob. "Please."

He turned onto his back, stared at the ceiling after a quick glance. "Every week." He whispered in an inaudible way, which costed me some effort to hear it right.

"The deleted powerpoint presentation?"

"Ms. Livingstone."

"The times you said you were going to Nolan?"

"Ms. Livingstone."

"The day.. I thought you had went through the mud with your bike?"

"Ms. Livingstone."

I let out a deep breath and let my head fall onto the pillow. I felt hurt for reasons I couldn't explain. He was my son, a child. What could I expect? Yet his words from before made me think. He went there every time he felt sad- why'd he never searched for comfort in me? Was it really my behaviour that made him feel not to go near?

Tears glazed my eyes once I realised how I had messed everything up, even after promising one thing to Aurora. To take good care of our son.

"Why did you lie to me, amore?"

"You lied to me too." Tears rolled down his cheeks, his hair flying every direction as he sat up, bewildered. "You knew her. You said you were going to work but you were with her. I was sad and I wanted to go to her and then you were there. Why were you there, Papà! It wasn't work."

"It was work." I sat up as well, reached for his hand but he pulled it away with a rough movement instead. "I'm sure you know Gloria, don't you by now? She might have to leave the country. I discussed with Ms. Livingstone what we could do about it."

"Why didn't you tell me. I thought you were going to marry her." Benjamin cried louder, and I became quiet after hearing his words. My feelings weren't important right now, it wasn't the right time to discuss what had happened between me and Salomé. "I thought you stopped loving Mamma."

Lying back down, I held him in my arms and kissed his sweaty neck. "I will never stop loving Mamma, okay? Never. She will forever be part of our lives, no matter what happens, no matter who we meet, no matter how old we will get. Mamma will always be your mother and my wife. Nothing could ever change my love for her, do you understand that?"

Benjamin crawled into my embrace, searched for comfort he'd been needing for a long time. I gave it to him, hoped it could make the things I'd done wrong to him right. "You know I love you too, right?"

"More than there are flowers in the field and raindrops in the heavy clouds." He whispered, referring to Aurora's words. I swallowed my pain away, but let the love I felt for the both of them stay. "Likewise, Papà."

I smiled. And even though there were still a lot of unanswered questions, whether it be about his behaviour and battling mind, I let it go for now and cuddled him like there was no tomorrow. I wished Aurora would see, wished she'd smile and know it was good. Because for now, it felt that way.

When we were both about to doze off, his sleepy voice spoke. "Papà, who's taking care of Casey?"

"Poppy, amore."

Benjamin moved around a little until he lied comfortably and let out a deep sigh. I closed my eyes too, pinched his nose one last time before the French television voices kissed us to sleep.

•

Dear Benji.. what do you think of him, the things he's done?

Zev's mindset?

There are still unsolved things...

Opinions? Let me know in the comments.. would mean a lot to me (: