"Papà, I want to ask-" Benjamin stormed down the stairs, the paper he was holding in his hand fluttering because of his pace. His gaze was fixed upon the rocking chair, which creaked by the impact of my feet pushing it back and forth.

"What's up?" I looked up at him, saw how he blinked his eyes, harshly. "I'm revising the tests."

"Can't you sit there? Reckon it's better to do that at the table?" He avoided eye contact, reached for my wrist and pulled at it. I didn't question any further, sat down at the table to save his emotions.

"What is your question?"

Benjamin seemed befuddled. He couldn't bring out a word for a long moment. It made my heart sink to the lowest point, my fears slowly becoming reality. "Benji.."

A deep breath left his parted lips. A head shake. A few blinks. "Papà, I'm eleven yeah?"

"I suppose you are." I smiled at him, wondered what he wanted.

"Well.." Benjamin glanced at the rocking chair, swallowed and laid the paper down in front of me. I scanned it. It was empty. "You always arrange the stay overs at Unc Teddy and Daniel and stuff, right?"

"Yeah.." Where was he going with his words?

"Well.." He chewed onto his upper lip and glanced at me, not being able to hold eye contact, which made me narrow my eyes. "I want to be more mature. I want to arrange it on my own. I want to ask Teddy if I can sleep over soon."

"Okay.."

"But I want to do it all by myself. I'm eleven after all and then I don't want you to interfere with it, okay?" Benjamin sat down at the table, let out a deep sigh and played with the paper in front of him. "So can you maybe write down that it's okay if I sleep over, with a signature? So they don't have to call you, because I want to do it myself."

"They?"

"Unc Teddy or Daniel." He answered quickly.

"Is everything alright between you and Nolan?"

"Papà, that's not the question." His forehead turned into a deep frown, with his grey eyes lingering on my face. "Will you help me?"

The question was a little odd, but I could also understand him. When I was his age, I didn't like how my mother treated me like a toddler still, only because my sisters were long out of that phase and I was the only child left. I felt ashamed among my peers, so I agreed and wrote something down for Benjamin.

Benjamin smiled. "Thanks Papà."

"Sure, amore." I watched him jog over to the stairs, but I stopped him before he could go further. "Are you going to bed?"

"Do I have to?"

"Yes, it's over eight already." A deep sigh was heard. "Brush your teeth, go for a wee, change your underwear and step in bed. I'll come tuck you in later, alright?"

"No." He frowned. "I'm eleven."

"Reading.." I trailed off, remembering his reaction from last time. Benjamin didn't look at me, stared at the wall. It said enough. "Go to sleep. Dormi bene, Campione."

"Buona notte, Papà."

"And Benji?"

He slowly turned his face to me, but looked down.

"Is everything alright? I didn't know the rocking chair still made loose so many emotions and.."

"Sleep well, Papà." He stormed upstairs, but closed the bathroom door with a soft thud. Playing with my pen, I figured now was the right time to see if Benjamin really slept at the time I put him to bed. With his sleeping behaviour changed so drastically, I'd only had the thought once that maybe he did not sleep after he was put to bed, but did other things until it would be late, and therefore woke late the morning after.

The thought wasn't completely jerked out of its context, so with that in mind, I made my way up half an hour later. I opened the door and got used to the darkness in his room. Switching on his small horse shaped nightlight, my eyes fell onto his face.

With his arms resting above his head, his lips parted slightly and his eyes shut he had drifted off to an already very deep slumber. The way his horse slippers laid betrayed that he had peeked underneath the bed before diving in.

And both thoughts did not ease my concerns.

Sleep couldn't get to me, when in bed. With a deep sigh after tossing and turning around for a long time, I stepped out. I made my way down the creaky stairs, but didn't bother being as quiet as possible, knowing Benjamin would sleep through it.

With my coat wrapped around my upper body, I went outside, gazed at the moon. I wondered when the morning would come. Not just dawn, but the day where I could only see the brightness of life, and not the dark of the night, constantly.

Seated onto one of the rocky chairs that stood upon the porch, my tired eyes fell onto the meadow that laid before me. The flowerless meadow. The meadow without Aurora. Thoughts flooded my mind. Aurora. The refugees, in need of food and comfort. Sade. Gloria's situation. Salomé. Benjamin's behaviour. Our daughter Eden.

I was restless, my mind was finding a way to burst, so it could finally spill some that was filling my head up to the edge. But I wouldn't allow it. My solid fundament had slipped away from under my feet, my life.

I was left staggering, waiting to fall down completely. Would I ever be picked up?

"Go for a walk. I'll stay right here for Benjamin." Poppy's creaky voice startled me, to the point where my heart sunk all the way to my toes. "Come on. I can hear your brains twirling around like the LP's playing on a record player. Off you pop."

Turning to Poppy with a grateful, but small smile, I got to my feet and wandered off in my joggers and Aurora's knitted sweater. My hair was disheveled by the tossing in bed and the soft breeze, but the darkness hit my appearance when I walked down the country lanes.

Further away, in one of the parks nearby, I sat down onto one of the benches, with a view on the farm Benjamin had visited not too long ago with Teddy. The farm where Benjamin had bought his western saddle. Where he rode so now and then. Where he longed to work, once he would be older. Where he longed to ride bulls, which I had forbidden him to do.

What would become of him in years, if nothing would change?

The bench dipped slightly when someone came to sit beside me. I was too tired looking to the side, but knowing it was an odd time to be outside, my curiosity got ahead of me and I glanced beside me.

"Salomé?" My voice betrayed the confusion I felt.

Her lips curled into a smile. "Couldn't sleep?"

"Not at all." I mumbled out, kept glancing at her. Wondered what she was doing out at such times.

"I felt the need to go for a walk. I guess God works in mysterious ways." Salomé gazed at the cows in the distance.

I smiled a little, felt comfortable in her presence. Silence took over. We sat there for minutes long without passing out words to each other. Lost in thoughts, the only thing heard were the breeze through the trees and a cow bellowing to its calf when he searched for the wrong mother.

"Someone gifted the refugee home a lot of money. The children have new beds, new clothes and new toys to play with. Isn't that wonderful?"

I gave her a smile.

"I think the one who gifted the money wants to stay anonymous. The name read Von Trapp." Salomé laughed softly. "Isn't that from The Sound of Music?"

I gave her another smile. Silence engulfed us again.

"Gloria is sleeping over later this week, with some of the other kids. Sade asked for it, Gloria misses us." Salomé let out a soft chuckle. "I bought popcorn and rented movies. Do you think they will like it?"

My mind was long way gone, I forgot to answer.

"What's up, Zev?" Her voice had this tone that caught me off guard. A voice that longed to hear more than the cliches answers to the how are you questions. A voice that was mellow, inviting. I turned my face to her, felt how the tears pricked behind my eyes.

Words couldn't leave my mouth- thoughts blocked my throat from letting out a single sound. I shook my head, shrugged.

She rested the back of her hand onto my leg, with her palm open. It was an invitation. I pressed my bigger hand on top of hers, looked at it while my mind and thoughts got stuck in knots. I brushed my fingers over her soft and smooth palms. Felt her warmth. Her inner warmth, and her body warmth.

"Things dragging you back to the past?"

I nodded, let out a deep breath.

"Where to?" Her voice wasn't more than a whisper.

"The children.." I stammered, swallowed my tears away. "The women, the babies." I referred to the day where we went to the refugee home, where young mothers had danced with their daughters or sons.

Salomé kept looking at me. Her warm eyes invited me to say more. Something that had been dug in deep for a long time.

"My children." Our hands entangled together. I wondered how they could fit so well together. "I have two children, but my daughter.. my first born.." I looked up at the dark night sky, gazed at the stars. The moon. It said enough.

"Oh, Zev.."

I furrowed my eyebrows, couldn't remove my gaze off the infinitude that was the sky. "There's so much going on. It all just comes back at once. It's been more than twelve years and still.." I swallowed, didn't know where I was going with my words.

"And then my wife leaves us.."

Salomé scooted closer. Our hips touched. I let it be.

"You said it. God works in mysterious ways. But why in ways that pushes you down to the deepest of depth in a well?" Shaking my head, my frown became deeper. "How can He expect me to trust better things are coming to me, when he took the best away from me? How can He expect me to fully trust Him again, when He broke it in the first place?"

"That's the thing about faith, Zev." Her warm brown eyes longed for understanding. The warmth she gave Davu, to anyone, was now given to me too."Just because we put our hope and trust in God, doesn't mean life and its sorrow won't get to us. And because it gets to us too, doesn't mean that He isn't there. He sees the sorrow of the world, and He is working on something better for all of us. If it isn't for today or tomorrow, a year or a century, He will come, take us with Him and give us the life He has always wanted for us in the first place."

"He mourns with us, cries with us, laughs with us." Salomé played with my fingers. "And even if you feel like He doesn't help when you're slipping away, it might say something about us, ourselves. Is your focus on your pain and sorrow only, or is it on and in Him?"

I smiled a little, looked down at her when she looked up. "I think you should follow in your father's footsteps."

"I think not." Salomé chuckled. "Throwing faith into a conversation isn't always what works."

I took a deep breath. Stared at our hands. "Thanks."

"What for?"

"For being who you are." I mumbled out, my fingers itching by the urge to tuck back a lock of her brown hair.

"Well, you too." Salomé's gaze was fixed upon my face. No intentions of letting the gaze stray away. I didn't know if it were my emotions, or the atmosphere that hung in the late, sleepy and quiet night, but our eyes met and trailed down to our lips.

Salomé turned her face away, licked her lips as she stared at our hands. "Feelings are starting to grow, Zev. But I don't know if that's something.." She trailed off. I kept looking at her, dug deep in my own feelings, trying to figure out what was going on. "We should let happen."

It was a lifelong battle. The grief and pain of Aurora's loss, but the comfort and love in Salomé's presence. Two places that kept dragging me back and forth. My principles and my craving emotions. My eyes, glueing to my ring that kept be moved up and down. My heart ready to be torn in two by the consequences of my choices.

And yet everything led me to Salomé at this very moment.

Her baking- the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, after all. Her meekness. Her warmth. Her considerate characteristics. Her genuine interest.

Something I had missed. Something I needed. As a man, and as a person in general.

I reached for her face with my hands, stared into her eyes and kissed her lips for a brief moment. She reacted to it, gave in, melted in my embrace. We sat there, arms wrapped around each other. Moments long.

Salomé's hesitation was felt, but I didn't know what to say, for I simply didn't understand what I was feeling like. "Are you sure this is what you wanted?"

I turned timid, became at loss for words.

"Or was it what you needed?" Salomé's expression turned melancholic, and for a moment I figured I had just made a huge mistake. I tried to dig deeper, find the meaning behind my behaviour, but couldn't find anything but affection for Salomé. It was as simple.

Without realising, it had grown each time we were in each others presence. Grew when I stood on her doorstep and she led me inside every single time, no matter if it was late, or early. Grew when we talked, when we baked, when we tried to talk to Davu. I admired her. Hoped she admired me too.

"It's fragile."

"Are you even ready for something new?"

I looked down at Salomé, held her hand, still. "This is fragile, for now. But I want it to grow, Salomé. I have no intentions of leaving this."

Salomé relaxed, stared at me and rested her fingers against my cheek. "Get some sleep, Zev. And if you wake up thinking about me, we'll talk about it.."

Standing up, I let go of her hand, timidly looking down. "And, Zev?" I made eye contact.

"Here." She fished something out of her pocket, stuffed it inside my hands. When I opened my palm, my heart stood frozen when I saw a small, soft red knitted heart I froze. Stared at it in pure confusion. "The darkest night cannot outrun the sun, Zev. Those were some words somebody told me when I felt really low, after something tragic had happened. They gave me so much hope. I hope they will bring you some hope too.."

I froze even more. Blinked my eyes several times to make sure it wasn't Aurora who wasn't sitting right there, on the bench. I felt how my legs became weak, and incertitude kicked in. Did she know Aurora? Had she met her? Did she know about the situation I was in?

Most importantly, did she know about what I had done?

"Goodnight, Zev."

Not being able to answer, I hasted my way back home.

Restlessly, I had dreamed about Aurora, who encouraged me to find someone else, with Salomé appearing at the end of the dream, standing right in front of me, her hair let down, freckle on the tip of her nose, her warm expressions and an outstretched hand.

But I couldn't reach it.

•

Ohhhh. Did you expect that to happen??

Benjamin's sleeping behaviour?

Do you think Zev was thinking things through/ means it/ or didn't mean it, the kiss? Do you think things will grow stronger?

Why is Zev panicking at the end...?

Your comments mean a lot to me! Let me know your thoughts❤️