"What do God and teachers have in common?" I whisper to my boyfriend. He shrugs.

"Creaky doors!" I hiss, trying not to blush when the entire congregation turns around and looks at us latecomers with the massive pink box.

"No seats!" Julian is not amused.

"Stop grumbling!" I shove the huge gift into his arms. "Sit on this then."

"We wasted all the money we were going to save to get out of the shoebox we're living in at the moment on this!" Julian's face is now competing with the brightness of the Holy Spirit. "And are going to remain living in for the foreseeable future because this kitchen aid thingy cost more than the car that got us here. I'm not sitting on it!"

"Shush!" An elderly lady in the second-to-last row, wearing a living-room lampshade on her head, takes objection to our lover's tiff.

I ignore Lampshade and try to snatch the box from Julian's arms, but Julian dumps the pink atrocity unceremoniously on the church floor with a thud.

Lampshade and her husband jump up.

"This is a church. Do you mind?" Hubby's anger management skills have found the same window as Julian's, judging by his tone and bulging eyes.

"Christ Almighty, sit down!" The Lorax look-alike in the last row grabs Hubby's shirt and pulls. Lampshade finds his actions objectionable, while the lady next to Lorax, wrapped entirely in golden tin foil, objects to her neighbour's choice of words.

"Don't take the Lord's name in vain!" Her command bounces off the church walls and ping pongs through the congregation.

I sink onto the gift, hoping God's floor will swallow me instantly. Instead, the box crumples, and I land on the hard, cold stones that refuse to save me in any of God's mysterious ways.

"Jesus! Can't you draw any more attention to us?" Julian exclaims, narrowly missing the hymnal Lady Tin Foil has turned into a purgatory missile.

"What is going on at the back?" is the last thing I hear the priest say before Julian drags me and the flimsy pink eyesore out of the church.

"We get this invitation months ago out of the blue, then hear nothing else, not even an exact time or anything. We have to find all that out from Marina – and you still think we should attend this wedding, wasting all our money on outfits and overpriced food processors."

"We had to go. They invited us, Julian."

Someone clearing their throat behind me makes me jump.

"This is awkward!" The bride's sister avoids looking at us. "The card... well, it was just a Save the Date."

"Ah!" I answer, no idea where she is going with this.

The woman sighs.

"A Save the Date is just an announcement and doesn't mean you're invited. Sorry! Thanks for the present, though."

The sister and our apartment money disappear into the hallowed halls, just as Lorax, Mrs Tin Foil, The Lampshade and Hubby are propelled into the sunlight from there by an unseen force.

"You bitch!" escapes Lampshade's mouth before her fist connects with Tin Foils chin.

Julian starts laughing as the fistfight gathers momentum.

"A Save the Date is no invitation! You learn something new every day," he gasps, then shouts, "Come on, Lorax. Show us your best left hook!"