"We accept the love we think we deserve."

-The Perks of Being a Wallflower

~~

I was in trouble.

Big trouble.

I'd been in trouble since the past week but had refused to accept it.

But there was no use in denying it now.

I was developing feelings for Sebastian.

Too soon and too fast.

The outcome would be horrible. I would probably get hurt.

I knew that.

But I still couldn't help it.

Why was falling for him so easy?

Why did it feel so right even though I knew it was wrong?

I had no idea when it had started but by the time I had realized it had already been too late. Sebastian wasn't someone who expressed emotions easily.

It was the small things he did that really got to me. The things he thought I wouldn't notice.

Like how the fridge always seemed to be stocked with Dark Chocolate ever since I told him it was my favorite kind.

Or how a thick stack of cookbooks had mysteriously appeared in my bedside drawers and how he'd pretended to not know anything about them when I'd asked.

And how everything had suddenly been shifted from the higher cabinets and shelves to places I could reach easily

Or how one night I had almost tripped on a loose floorboard in one of the stairs and found it miraculously repaired the next morning.

I sighed.

And it wasn't just the things he did for me.

I could see his kindness, even though he couldn't. I had seen the way he had interacted with Marie and Adam. How much he hurt for them, how much he cared.

He was a good man who had been forced into a cruel world.

A world where he didn't want to be but could never leave.

~~

I was making my way downstairs for breakfast when I heard the voices.

One of them I recognized easily as Sebastian's. The other one which I didn't recognize belonged to a woman.

I halted at the last step. Their voices came from the kitchen. If I stepped forward I'd enter the living room and they would definitely see me since the living room and kitchen were connected. I didn't want to barge in and interrupt.

I started to move back upstairs when I halted.

"Must you leave so early, Tesoro? (Darling)" Sebastian's voice murmured softly to the woman. It wasn't his words that had halted me but the way he said them, his voice held so much adoration, so much . . . love.

I swallowed. I tried to move away but my legs remained glued to the spot.

I shouldn't be listening.

This was undoubtedly an intimate moment. I shouldn't be invading their privacy like this.

"I'm afraid I must. I have to catch my flight." The woman sighed. "Adrian misses you, Sebastian, your son misses you. You have to come see him soon."

There was a pause.

I felt like my heart would jump out of my chest at any moment. My legs were starting to shake.

"I miss him too, so much." Sebastian's voice was pained. "I hope you know how much the two of you mean to me. You two are everything to me. You are my family. I would give my life for you."

The woman sniffled. "I know. You mean a lot to us too Sebastian. I love you, you know that right?"

"I know. I love you too."

I squeezed my eyes shut.

My chest felt heavy.

The two of them said their goodbyes and finally the front door opened and closed indicating that she had left.

I just stood there numbly.

I heard his sigh.

"You can stop hiding now," Sebastian spoke softly. My breath hitched. "I know you were listening."

Slowly, I stepped out from behind the wall and made my way towards him. Guilt and shame clawed at my insides.

I didn't like the blank expression he was giving me right now.

"Is something wrong?" His voice had an edge to it. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

I swallowed. "Who was that?" I was glad that my voice came out steady because I felt like I was suffocating on the inside.

His eyes flashed. "What makes you think I owe you an explanation?" His voice was quiet but I flinched.

"Let me rephrase my question," I spoke calmly. "Are you with that woman?"

He stalked towards me, his chest rising and falling harshly. "What difference would that make?" He asked, his eyes challenging me.

"It would make all the difference," I responded quietly. "If you're with her, we cannot continue living together like this."

I heard his sharp intake of breath and then his eyes narrowed, almost accusingly. "And why is that? We aren't fucking, Angelica, we are just living together, helping each other out. I fail to see what that has to do with me being or not being with someone. Have I ever indicated that I want any sort of relationship with you?"

Everything he said was true. There had never been anything between us and he'd never given me any indication that there was.

But even though he was right, his words still hurt. A lot.

"You're right." I straightened my shoulders and tilted my chin up. "You've never led me on or made me believe you were interested in me but that's not the reason why I'm asking you to be honest with me."

I took in a deep breath. "I don't understand what I feel for you, Sebastian, but I do know that it's not nothing. I'm starting to develop feelings for you and I can't keep living with you if you're in a relationship, because it wouldn't be fair to your partner." I paused. "And it wouldn't be fair to me."

I looked at him. "So tell me, please. Are you with her?"

He turned away from me, his jaw clenched. "You are wrong, angelo. I don't owe you any sort of justification or explanation about my personal life."

Another stab of pain pierced through my chest.

"I understand." My voice came out strained. "I will take that as my answer."

I turned towards the staircase. I had to go to my room get my backpack and then leave.

"Angelica." His voice made me freeze.

My traitorous heart gave a hopeful thud.

"Yes?" I breathed out.

"Whatever you feel about me." His voice was empty. "I suggest you don't. You will only end up getting hurt."

And just like that everything inside me shattered.

"If only it were that easy," I whispered.

And then I ran up the stairs as fast as my legs could carry me.

Like a coward.

~~

I sat on the bed my back against the headboard.

I stared at the picture.

The picture my mother had given me.

I stared at what was supposed to be my family but everything inside me was numb.

The truth was that I had no one.

I was completely alone in this world.

My mother was dead. My brother was dead. My father was a stranger. The only man I had ever cared about had told me that he didn't feel anything for me.

I fought back my tears.

I hated myself for being so pathetic.

You don't need anyone, Angelica.

You are enough.

But even as I told myself these things the pain in my chest only intensified.

I didn't want to be alone.

There was a light tap on the door.

Every fiber in my body tightened. I immediately knew it was him.

I shoved the picture back into my backpack but didn't bother answering.

There was another soft tap after a minute's interval.

"Will you please let me in?" His voice was hoarse.

The door wasn't locked but I knew he wouldn't come in until and unless I told him he could. That was just how he was, he would never invade my privacy, no matter how badly he wanted to.

"Come in." I finally whispered.

The minutes the words left my mouth the door flew open, like he'd been clutching the handle just waiting for me to say them.

I didn't look at him. I kept my gaze trained on my lap.

I could feel him moving across the room towards the bed. I felt the mattress dip under his weight as he settled down beside me. His shoulder almost brushed against mine. I could feel the heat radiating off his tense body.

For a long time, the two of us just sat there in silence.

My eyes started stinging again. I tipped my head down so that my face was shielded by a curtain of my hair.

I felt him move closer first. Then his arm slowly made its way around my waist as he pulled me closer. My cheek came flush against his chest which rose and fell rapidly. His posture was rigid.

One of his arms remained secured around my waist while the other moved up to the back of my head pressing my face gently into his chest. His chin brushed against my hair.

I took in a deep breath inhaling his clean masculine scent.

This was the most intimate he'd ever been with me.

"I'm sorry." He murmured.

I squeezed my eyes shut. I didn't trust myself to speak without bursting into tears.

"I'm sorry for hurting you." He said again, his voice soft.

I took a deep breath and slowly untangled myself from him and got off the bed, my backpack clutched in one hand.

I needed to leave.

Although the mere thought of leaving him caused me pain I knew it was the right thing to do.

I couldn't keep living with a man I was falling for, knowing he was with someone else.

"Please don't go." He whispered.

My heart clenched.

You shouldn't say things like that, Sebastian.

A traitorous tear escaped my eye and trailed down my cheek.

"I have to. I've already taken too much from you. I've stayed too long. I don't belong here with you Sebastian." I told him softly as I turned to walk away.

I had just reached the door when his voice halted me.

"Angelica."

The floorboards creaked as he got off the bed and made his way towards me.

My back was to his chest, he wasn't touching me but I could feel his presence behind me. I could feel his hot breath on my neck.

His fingers clasped my shoulders as he gently turned me around to look at him.

His face was filled with torment when I looked at him. His eyes tortured.

"Don't leave." He murmured.

I brought my hands up to cup his cheeks. He closed his eyes and leaned into my touch.

"I'll tell you everything." He said quietly. "Just please don't leave me."

I swallowed.

This man.

He would be the ruin of me.

When he opened his eyes to look at me again they were hollow. His face was contorted in pain. His chest rose and fell rapidly.

His words were dull and lifeless when he finally spoke.

"The only person in this world who ever mattered to me was murdered in cold blood."