Adjusting to the new situation at home had been very difficult for me in the beginning. I remember Daniel bringing me to the new house. It was a few streets away from our home, and I hated it.

Papà and Salomé had just arrived home, but had wanted to see me right away. I stood in front of the door, but didn't ring, wondering how long it would take them to notice me. I wasn't sure why I was playing that game, but I guess I just truly wondered if Papà missed me if I would be gone, now that he had Salomé to love and care for.

The door swung open, Papà coughed a little while dragging some trash behind him. He stopped in tracks when he saw me. "Campione! How long have you been standing here?" In fact, it had not been long. But knowing he didn't open the door for me but for his trash, saddened me.

"Just now." I was relieved to see him, but held myself back.

"Come here, you little Cowboy." He lifted me up, I admired his strength. I had grown taller, after all. He grunted lightly, held me tight, pressed kisses all over my face. "My goodness, I missed you an awful lot. Did you miss me a little?"

"Exactly like that. A little." A grin cracked upon my face, I couldn't help but rest my head on his shoulder, before he put me down again. Papà laughed softly, ruffled my hair, threw the trash in the bin and pulled me inside the house. It made me feel seen, though it was a little sad to compare myself to trash.

"We've got something for you." Papà spoke excitedly, pulled me into the living room. I looked around. I had been here before a lot of times, when they were renovating the place, even asking for my input sometimes, but it didn't feel like my home. My guts were heavy. "Salomé, look who I've got here!"

"Benjamin." She smiled softly, opened her arms for me. I hugged her softly, but remembered my Mamma's soft arms around me. "How have you been? Did you have fun?"

I hummed, watched Papà as he reached for a bag full of stuff. They went to Scotland, I wondered what they had gotten me. "Here, all for you."

Plopping down upon the couch, I opened the bag. Everything was Highland cow themed. A backpack, a hoodie, pottery in the shape of a Highland cow and besides all of that, some chocolates. I loved it.

"Did you see a live stock market? And could you pet the Highland cows? Did you see people riding them? Did some horns fall off which you could take home with you?"

"No, to all." Papà mentioned, plopping down upon the couch. "We did see them, wanted to pet them but they were too far away and we were told off to go near them on purpose. The hike was lovely, though, wasn't it?"

"The scenery is gorgeous. I think you would have loved it." Salomé mentioned, after she had put on some tea and biscuits on the table. "We went on a trail ride."

It made me jealous. "You too, Papà? You don't even know how to ride." I grinned again, sat in between them to watch the photos on their phones. Papà was my home, Salomé was slowly beginning to feel like my home, but then what was eating me up from the inside? I couldn't tell.

When the night fell, Papà tucked me in, even when I struggled against at first. I looked around my new room. It was cowboy themed again, which I loved. But it wasn't my room. It still faintly smelled like paint. My bed was placed differently, and the window was smaller. I missed the view of the fields, where Mamma plucked flowers, where I took rides on the Shetland pony from Mr. Woods farm, where we picnicked sometimes. Now, all I saw was someone else's window, and I hated it.

I felt uncomfortable in my own bed. Secretly pulled my stuffed bull underneath the covers with me, even when I was already twelve. I think Papà felt my somberness.

"Did you have fun last week, Cowboy?"

"I wish I could have stayed with nonna e nonno all week. I was sad when they had to leave to Italy." I played with my fingers, rested my cheek upon my pillow.

"Didn't you enjoy yourself at Unc. Teddy's house and at Nolans'?" He lightly furrowed his eyebrows, pinched my cheek a little.

"Yes, but I miss nonna. I think we won't see her again for a year or so." The tone in my voice blamed him, I could tell by the expression on his face that it worked.

"Maybe we can visit the lake house in summer?"

I shook my head.

"Why not?"

"It's not the same."

Papà sighed softly, crouched down beside my bed as he played with my hair. "I know. Nothing is the same anymore. But we will need to get used to it, somehow."

"What if I don't?"

"You will."

But what if I don't? I thought again. "Did you enjoy it? With Salomé in bed at night?"

"Benji.." Papà let out a, somewhat, awkward laugh. "Do you notice hairs coming underneath your arm pits?"

"What? No." I scrunched up my nose. "Why?"

"Then this story is for another time."

"Why? I just wanted to ask what it is like to lie beside someone else than you're used to. Didn't you see Mamma's face? Didn't you miss her extra? Didn't it all scare you off, big time?" I genuinely wondered, looking up at Papà as he stood up.

"I love her, Benjamin. And I truly hope you will understand that someday, if not now."

"That wasn't my question."

"I don't really like those questions."

"So you did see Mamma?" I leaned upon my elbow, my head following his direction as he walked over to my bedroom door.

Papà didn't look at me anymore. "Dormi bene, cowboy." The door closed with a soft thud.

"Papà?"

He walked downstairs. It stung me. Deeply. Moments later, I heard him playing the piano. Practicing the piece of music from Beethoven over and over again. I wondered if my questions had caused his mood to become somber, too.

I had been awake for hours that night, sometimes reaching for my stomach, curling up, counting sheep. Nothing had worked. I wanted to be in my old home. Papà let Casey sleep on my bed, that, I loved. He wasn't allowed to back at home.

A week later, when I had just awoken, it was because of a kid I didn't know. I had woken up late, because of the turning and shifting all night long. The door creaked open, the curtains were shoved open and he spoke another language when somebody else stomped upon the stairs too.

Cracking open my eyes, I stared at them in confusion, then slowly sat up. The kids didn't really pay me much attention as they were cuddling with Casey. "What are you doing here?"

They both looked at me, shrugged. Pointed at Casey. "Cat.. soft!"

"I'm sleeping." I tried, but they already turned their attention back to Casey, trying to pick him up. "Leave him alone!" I reached for my cat, snatched him out of their hands, to which he accidentally scratched my cheek. "He's mine."

The bottom lip of one of the boys wobbled, tears streaming down his face. The other boy became angry, he talked in a language I had never heard before. Rapidly, spitting accidentally. Then, he flipped me off and walked downstairs.

When I was in the bathroom, it happened again. I was undressing myself for a bath, when a girl came in. She glanced at me, smiled softly before reaching for the sink to wash her hands.

"Why don't you wash your hands downstairs?" I stood in my underwear, felt self-conscious, but she didn't seem to notice. "I'm going to shower, will you get out?"

"Oui."

If you don't go now, I will bonjour you away, I thought to myself. Once I had showered, I wanted to sit down at the breakfast table to eat, but there were more children drawing with crayons and painting ugly paintings.

Papà was at a meeting. The living room was full of kids. I absolutely hated it. There was no place for me to sit at the table, and I didn't want to eat breakfast on the couch. When I plopped down into one of the chairs, I stared outside the window, feeling furious from the inside.

"Good morning, sweetheart." Salomé smiled softly, handed me a plate full of breakfast. I didn't have the guts to tell her how bad the morning was instead. I knew it was Salomé's job, I knew she took care of refugee children so now and then, after school, sometimes in the weekends, I knew how lovely that was supposed to be, I knew how much it meant to those children, but I despised it. It was my house, I didn't want to be with people I didn't know all the time. Especially not after the first week of sleeping here.

I didn't eat my breakfast, went to Papà's room because he had a lock, and locked myself up for the rest of the day, only coming out to pee and tell Salomé that I was sick so I would sleep for the rest of the day.

When it had happened more than once, I felt how it started to boil inside of me more and more. It escalated on a Saturday, a few weeks after the wedding.

We were having lunch, I was exhausted but happy that it was the Saturday off for Salomé, so no children would be here for the day. I was about to eat my sandwich when Salomé had a call. A moment later, she came back. "Do you mind if Samira comes by for a few hours? Her mother has a job interview."

Papà shrugged. "Sure, sure. Let her come. You wouldn't mind, would you?" He looked at me. The nonchalant look on his face made me burst out.

"Actually, I do mind!" I shoved my plate away, looked at the both of them with deeply furrowed eyebrows. "But now you're too late asking about my opinion because I'm absolutely fed up!" I spewed out some Italian curse words. "I don't want any more children to step inside this house for even one time more, I'm so sick of it!"

"Benjamin!" Papà frowned deeply.

"No, let me talk!" My hands were clammy, my cheeks red, I exploded. "I hate it! I hate it, I hate it! I hate those stupid children! Let them play in their own stupid, dumb house with their stupid family! I hate it. I hate it!" I reached for Papà's arms, then for Salomé's cheeks. "Do you hear me? I hate it!"

"Hey!" Papà pulled me away from her, roughly sat me down on my chair. "I want you to stop, calm down a little."

"I will not! Do you want to know why?!" I screamed at the top of my lungs at this point. "Because I hate it here! I never had to lock the door to shower at home, and now I have to lock it because those kids keep coming in without asking, they come into my room without asking, where's my privacy?! Where's my own place?!" I shoved the chair away, kicked at it, so it fell to the floor. I wiped my plate with food to the floor, shattering the tableware in a thousand pieces.

"Never let them come in again!" I spat at the both of them, flipping them off when I felt unheard, unseen. I tried to go to the front door, wanted to run off and never come back again, but Papà held me back.

"Don't you dare walk away right now! You're going to sit down, right here!" Papà's voice was stern, but I couldn't listen. I was in a haze. Before I knew it, I felt how his hands squeezed around my arms, pulling me down upon another chair. I screamed at the top of my lungs, tried to reach for something to get him off me, but his grip was tight. "You need to stop right there, Benjamin. Do you remember how you came to Salomé every time you felt bad, needed a safe haven to turn to?"

"Let me go! Let me go!" The tears streamed down my face by now. I saw the same thing happening to Salomé when I saw her in a glance, as she cleaned up the mess I made. "I just want to go home, I will never get used to his, I don't even want to get used to this stupid situation because it sucks! You suck, Salomé sucks, death sucks, I want to leave everything and be with Mamma!" My sobbing took over, I cried hysterically, like a little kid, but I couldn't stop myself.

"I know you don't like the new situation, but it is new for all of us. We all need to get used to this new life. It isn't easy, but it's not just you, do you understand that?"

But I didn't want to hear it. I covered my ears with my hands, screamed and cried at the top of my lungs. I didn't stop, ran over to my room and slammed the door shut. I kept screaming, kept crying, until I fell asleep upon my bed, with my fingers still stuffed inside my ears, and my body pressed to the freshly painted wall.

-

Sweet Benjamin.. why do you think he reacts like that? Starting puberty? The bottled up emotions? Something else?

Do you understand his reaction?

What about Zev and Salomé?

Let me know your thoughts, much love, Jo x.