Beige, slightly high-waisted trousers, with a white button up tucked into it. Clarks on my feet. My brown hair combed neatly, but strands had fallen disheveled as I had just played a little between the trees as Papà and Salomé were shooting wedding photos.

Sometimes I gazed at them, my heart feeling heavy. Then, I would focus on the rustling leaves and the singing birds, wondering if they felt my melancholy.

The photographer asked if I wanted to be in a few photos, after that Teddy would take me away to the location where we would meet with our day guests, so Papà and Salomé had a moment together to take more photos.

I had posed for a few photos, then gladly stepped inside the car with Teddy. He handed me a chocolate bar, which I gratefully took. I unwrapped the wrapper, starting licking the bar rather than biting right into it.

"Had fun?"

I shrugged, stared outside the window. "How long does a wedding take?"

"Depends, but I guess your head won't hit the pillow until after midnight." He ruffled my hair, gave me a, somewhat, sympathetic smile.

"So.. we will have lunch, then church, and then the reception, right?"

"That's about it, right."

"Unc Teddy, do you think you could ever fall in love with someone who isn't Rosie?" I referred to his wife, genuinely wondering about the answer of my question.

Teddy sighed softly, pulled onto my earlobe. "Love is an odd thing, Benji. Sometimes the most unexpected, will come to the surface."

"I didn't ask that." I frowned, glanced at him. "Could you ever fall in love with someone who isn't Rosie?"

He chuckled and waited to talk until we left the roundabout. "Benjamin, you may not know this about me, but before Rosie.. I was deeply and madly in love with someone else."

His answer took my interest. I looked up at him, tried to read things off his face, but all I could see was a small smile, full of memories. "Oh? What was her name? And where is she now? Why didn't you marry her?"

"We were about to marry.." Teddy swallowed, fiddled with the corsage that was attached to his suit. Gypsophila, some green, some soft yellow colored little flowers. "We had been engaged for a few months, were busy with our house. Rebuilding, redecorating, painting, whatsoever. It was a few days before our wedding, we sat by the fire after a long day of working in our house, holding each other.."

"Then what happened?" I gave him no time to think, eager to know what had happened. Eager to know about his feelings, but above all, eager to be able to understand the things I did not.

"Well, we both went our separate ways as we went home. I had kissed her, told her to be safe, she told me the same, and we went home. It was a drive of forty minutes for me, twenty for her." Teddy parked the car at the location, but kept sitting still, looking down at me. "While she went home, as did I, snow started to fall. Quickly. Soon after, everything was white, and slippery.. As I came home, the news had warned for the slippery roads, I had called Mary's parents, but they informed me that she hadn't returned home yet."

"Your drive was forty minutes, and hers was twenty."

Teddy nodded, ruffled my hair. "She had an accident. Never woke up again."

"She fell into a coma?"

"No, Cowboy. She passed away instantly."

"Oh." Later I found out that she had been driving those lonely roads between the hills and grassland, most likely tried to dodge a deer standing upon the road, to which the car slipped and she hit a tree. "I'm sorry."

Teddy pulled on my earlobe. "I loved her very dearly, Benjamin. I was torn apart. Everything inside me was torn. I didn't think I could live again. And then Rosie came into my life."

Part of me didn't want to hear this side of the story, part of me craved to understand the things that went on in my life at this point. So, I looked up at him with questionable eyes, waiting for him to speak further.

"She changed me. She threw my world upside down. I wanted to live again, whenever I was near her. And I did not understand why. Or how. How could I fall in love with someone else, after losing the girl whom was supposed to be my wife in just a few days. With whom I had dreamed with, about our future, children even. How?"

I stuffed the chocolate bar in my mouth, stared outside the window of the car. People arrived, wearing pretty clothes- party clothes, coming to the wedding of my Papà and Salomé. I didn't necessarily think it was a party.

"Looking back, I know God was working through her to bring back my will to live. To make me see how beautiful life is, even when dreadful things happen. He gave me Rosie, so I could love again, use my tragedies to inspire and help other people." Teddy sighed, stared down at me. "It may not make very much sense now, Benji. Life is difficult. It just is. Simple as that. Everyone will go through hardships and what not. But what we do with our experiences is up to us. Will we use it to good causes, or will we let it take over our lives completely?"

"How can I make Mamma's death to good use?" By now, tears had formed in my eyes, I was frustrated by his words. "Papà will marry Salomé and then where is my Mamma in all this? God could just tell me to be nice or something, he didn't have to kill my Mamma."

"Benjamin.." Teddy reached for my hand when I tried to leave the car. I let him hold it. "I'm not saying that I understand everything in life, because I don't. But I do know that God never wanted to take Mamma away like that."

I chewed onto my bottom lip, the tears spilling freely, softly staining my trousers. "I'm sorry to God, I know he didn't kill my Mamma but sometimes it feels like that. Sometimes I just want to go to her and not be here anymore. I love Papà, but he moves on so quickly and what if I can't talk about Mamma ever again?"

Teddy embraced me warmly, kissed the top of my head. "Is that what you're afraid of? Just because Papà fell in love with someone else, doesn't mean your sweet Mamma is forgotten. No way. Never. She will forever be your Mamma. And I know that Papà would never be silent on her. If you feel the need to talk, talk. It's so important."

"But what about Salomé? She is my new mother from now on and I don't want to hurt her when I talk about Mamma all the time." My voice cracked, howled along with the sobs.

"Cowboy, I have talked to your Papà and Salomé a lot of times. They both found this new situation very difficult. Especially for you. They'd never stop you if you wanted to talk about Mamma, they even want you to. Salomé isn't replacing Mamma. On the contrary. She's standing beside her."

"Did you love your fiancé as much as Rosie?"

"I did. I do."

"I want Papà to love her less than Mamma."

"Why, sweet boy?"

"I can't explain it." I struggled with my emotions, my thoughts. I couldn't give them the right place in my mind.

"I know things are difficult for you. I wish I could take away some of the pain and we will be here for you when you go through all the steps. And you know what?"

"What?" I looked up at Teddy. He brushed my tears away with the pads of his thumbs.

"If you ever feel like a mean hamburger, just ring the bell and I'll get them ready on the grill."

"I don't eat cows. I fight them" I smiled cheekily, "But chicken nuggets could do, too." Teddy laughed at that and we left the car to eat lunch.

When Papà and Salomé entered the room, everyone cheered, clapped, shed tears. I gazed a few distant cousins, who passed out fancy sandwiches and drinks. I raised my finger when I still hadn't gotten any food, and asked for chocolate milk. When they told me it'd be right there as I was the vip guest today, a smile cracked upon my face.

Once everyone had their lunch and Teddy had prayed for a blessing over the day, Papà waved me over, but I pretended not to have seen it. My guts were heavy. Heavier than before. I wasn't sure why.

When I looked at him again, his attention was on Salomé's father, my new grandfather. I swallowed thickly. I didn't know that man, but he had already given me presents from a country I'd never heard of in my life.

"I love parties." Nolan mentioned as he sat down beside me, licking off his chocolate milk moustache. "You know what's even better? That you can eat and drink all you want and you don't have to pay for it."

"You never pay any of your food when you're eating out." I mumbled, taking the chocolate milk from the girl who brought it over to me, watching her as she added a whole lot of whipped cream and sprinkled smarties on top of that.

"I treat my mum and dad for ice cream sometimes." Nolan looked sideways at me. "Are you alright?"

I swallowed again. My stomach hurt and my fingers itched to make it hurt more. "I can't do it." I whispered, staring at the whipped cream.

"You can't do what?" Nolan listened. He truly did. But I wasn't sure if he would understand.

"I have to sign the papers."

"What papers?"

I sighed, tried to swallow away the stubborn tears that always seemed to appear. "I have to sign a paper at court. That I'm okay with them marrying."

"Why can't you do it?" Nolan whispered, I looked at him, saw how his brown eyes looked somewhat concerned.

"Because I'm not okay with it."

Nolan stayed silent after that, played with the little spoon, swirling it through the last sip of chocolate milk in his mug. "Can't you do it for your dad, then?"

"No."

"Why, Benji?"

"Why do you think?" I looked at him, desperately.

Nolan looked down again, he looked unhappy.

I let out a frustrated sigh, and knew I needed to get away from this place as quick as possible before I would burst out. I shoved my chair away, which caused the chocolate milk to fall over, staining my trousers. Nolan reached for my arm, but I shook it off roughly and ran over to the toilets.

By then, I was breathing so heavily that I wondered if I was hyperventilating or not. I'd never had it before, so I wasn't quite sure. All I did know was that I needed to get rid of the white button up as quickly as possible.

"Come on!" I cursed an Italian curse word, tried to wipe the tears of my cheeks while undoing the buttons of my blouse. When they were finally open, I stared down at my stomach, reached for my skin and pinched as hard as I could, letting out a quiet sob because of the sudden pain.

"I can't do it! I can't do it!" I whisper-yelled, pinching more and more, until the skin between my fingernails started to bleed a little.

"Cowboy, are you in there?"

I stopped pinching, I tried to button up the blouse again.

"Benji?"

"Yes! I'm here!" I was frustrated. Afraid, too.

"Is everything okay?"

"Since when can't I take a piss on my own anymore? I'm twelve!"

"Hey, watch your mouth." His voice came closer to the stall I was in. "I just came to check on you.. Nolan said you spilled hot chocolate over your lap."

"It was an accident, what does it matter anyway?!" By now, it was buttoned up again, I tucked it into the stained trousers.

A soft sigh. "I just wanted to know if you weren't hurt because of it. Should we ask Nonna to get you clean trousers?"

Mamma came into my mind. She would have reached for her own knitted scarf and wrapped it around my lap. It wasn't flattering, in fact I hated when she did that, because people would assume I'd had an accident, but now I wished nothing more than to touch the soft fabric which her hands would have made herself.

"Benji?"

I let out a frustrated groan, kicked open the toilet door. Papà looked down at me. I felt his somberness engulfing me like a cold hug. It made me feel guilty, but I couldn't help it.

"Are you alright?"

"Are you?" I asked.

"Yes, I am, Benjamin. Are you?"

"What are the average ending times of weddings?"

"Are you not enjoying yourself?"

I washed my hands, to make it seem realer that I'd truly had gone in there for a wee. "I didn't ask you that."

"What did you do in there?"

Papà glanced at the toilet door. I glanced at it too. "What do you think?"

"Well, I'm not sure. You never wash your hands unless I tell you to." He furrowed his eyebrows. I felt caught. It was the harsh truth, after all.

"You standing here reminded me of it. And you still didn't answer my question."

"Are you tired?" He took a step closer, lifted up my face with his finger.

"Answer my question!"

"Try that again." His voice became sterner, and the look in his eyes told me enough.

"Papà, please will you tell me when today is over, because all these people are driving me insane. My ears are ringing, my eyes are burning and my mouth is dry from all the nice chitchatting with people I've never seen before in my life but whom act as if I've been their child, long lost friend or neighbour." I partly lied.

"You can go after we've cut the cake. After that it's just a little afterparty." His voice was hoarse, hurt. I knew it was my fault. My fingers itched again.

I wrapped my arms around his waist. "It's a good day, Papà. But it looks like I've wet my pants and I have no idea how to get this fixed in time." I lied again, but he seemed to think I was being genuine. Maybe that was for the better.

"Why didn't you just tell me?" He kissed my nose gently. "Stay here, I'll get Nonna, alright?"

I watched him leave. My guts felt the heaviest. Sometime later, nonna came into the stall, closing the door. She pulled down my trousers, mumbled something in Italian. "Nonna?"

"Sì, sweetheart."

"I'm twelve."

"I know, tesoro."

"Can I undress myself, then?" I gripped onto the waistband of my underwear when she wanted to pull them down. I felt self-conscious. Very self-conscious.

She looked down at me, tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. She smiled sadly, closed the door and before I was in my clean underwear, she stepped back in again. "Do the trousers fit, sweetheart."

I turned around, reached for the trousers and tried them on. They were tight, too tight in some places. Nonna had to use all of her strength to close the button. "Ah, perfetto!"

I could barely breathe.

"No time, come on. Have to do it with that. They need to get married now."

I pulled at the trousers, looked up at nonna. "Is today a good day?"

Nonna smiled the same sad smile as before. She gave me a sloppy kiss on my lips. "Suppose so, Campione."

I nodded and followed her with the heaviest guts.

The toilet seat was closed. I sat upon it, with the piece of freshly cut cake on a white paper plate on my lap. I stared at it, tried everything in my power to not let the tears fall down. I breathed in heavily, it was shaky when I breathed out. I had signed the paper. And I didn't want to eat the cake. I didn't want to eat the cake which celebrated this new life of people joined together.

Not just for them, but for me too.

Besides all of that, the trousers hurt because they were too tight, I was extremely tired and I really wanted to sleep in my own bed tonight. However, I knew Papà had arranged for me to sleep with nonna e nonno in a hotel tonight, then two nights at Teddy's house and then the last night at Nolan's house. I couldn't understand why he wouldn't let me stay home. I was twelve, after all.

"Campione, are you in there?" It was Nonna. I stayed silent, didn't know if I wanted to see her or not. "We're going to the hotel. Get some sleep."

I perked up at that, threw my cake into the toilet and flushed it down, although it became a big, sticky mess. I left the plate on the floor, cracked open the door and peeked at her.

Nonna looked right back, she looked worn out, too. "There you are, Campione." I let her open the stall. It felt nice that someone was looking for me. Her arm reached for mine, while her eyes trailed down to the floor. "Did you eat the cake here? That's not very clean, tesoro."

"Excusa, nonna." I let her drag me over to where the party was. People were still congratulating Papà and Salomé. They got tons of gifts. I wondered if some were for me too, or was it really just about the married couple?

"Figlio, it's time for us to go. Tomorrow.. catch the plane back to Italy." Nonna kissed Papà deeply, hugged her the same way she did when Mamma was still alive. I could tell she wasn't mad at papà for marrying someone else. "Ti amo moltissimo." She whispered, to which Papà teared up a little.

When nonno and my uncles and cousins had wished them well, Papà looked down at me. "I will miss you lots, Cowboy."

"Will you?" It came out of my mouth before I knew it.

"Yeah." He furrowed his eyebrows, held my face in his hands. "I will miss you an awful lot."

"Then why can't I come along with honeymoon?"

"Benji.."

"I know, never mind." I mumbled out, letting him pull me in his embrace, though I didn't put in any efforts to return it. "I don't want siblings."

Papà simply pulled my nose, then pushed me Salomé's direction. To be fair, she looked absolutely beautiful. Her dress was simple, straight, but flowy. With lace all around her upper body. Her hair was curled, two locks intertwined, stuck with a golden clip. "Thank you for being here all day, Benji.."

"I'm Papà's son." Do I have a choice? I didn't say it out loud.

"Still.. it means a lot to me." I could tell she was being genuine. She leaned down to press a kiss to my cheek. Then, she ruffled my hair, like Mamma used to do.

When I stepped away from her, I could see the tears glistening in her eyes. It made me feel annoyed that she made me feel bad. I wish I could stop my feelings. I ran over to nonna and went to the hotel with them.

Once I was in bed, lying down in the middle of it, I could hear nonna and nonno's conversation in the bathroom. They spoke in rapid Italian, but I could pick up some bits.

Shame.. Aurora.

Poor boy, new mother, how will he manage?

Not fair, hope.. happy.

Zev.. good man... but..?

Aurora.. Aurora.. Aurora.. Aurora..

Aurora..

Aurora..

I pressed my hands to my ears. I loved Mamma. I missed her to death, but whereas Papà didn't mention her as often as I would want him too, they mentioned her too often.

And when they came to lie down beside me and both wrapped their arms around me, I had never felt so alone before.