Olivetti Lettera 32

After their exchanged kisses which I had seen, Papà and Salomé occasionally went out. Just to get to know each other better, Papà would say. It meant that I spent most of the time with either my neighbor Poppy, Teddy whom I called either grandpa or 'Unc', because he had been a father figure in Papà's life, or at Nolan's house.

It wasn't that I disliked spending time with them, they cared about and they cared for me, but part of me missed being alone with Papà, and obviously the times with Mamma when she was still alive. The idea of Papà falling in love again made my body act out in several ways. Often I had stomach aches, headaches and the attraction of food became either too big, or too less. It caused me to sneak snacks into my bedroom to eat them at an ungodly hour, or to sit puking on the toilet because I couldn't keep anything in.

Papà noticed all these changes, and often he sat on my bed, trying to pull the words and thoughts out of me. At that point, I didn't want to hurt him- I wanted him to feel okay after all the misery we'd been through, but at the same time I had my own thoughts and feelings, and they didn't match with what I wanted for him.

It was on a Sunday when they broke the news to me. Salomé usually went along with us to church, and afterwards she would drink coffee and eat some biscuits at our house, or the other way around where we visited her. It wasn't any different that day, however, I had taken notice of their quietness, but mutual soft smiles when they looked at each other.

They'd had lots of meetings with Teddy the week before, which had several babysitters bringing me to bed after loads of fights of me telling Papà I was old enough to care for my own. "To care for your own also means throwing your dirty underwear in the laundry basket and not letting it linger around your bedroom floor."

I had neatly pushed all of my dirty clothes into the laundry baskets the night after, but he didn't seem to notice. Or he didn't want to give in yet. I was only twelve, after all.

Back to that Sunday, I remember the weather being lovely, with the spring sun shining quite warmly and with only a few clouds traveling along the way. Salomé was wearing a floral dress and I thought of how Mamma would have thought she dressed way too romantic. Even if Mamma wore a floral dress, she would throw her own knitted sweater with colorful prints over it.

They drank tea. I drank coca cola and simply listened to them talk about the service while I kicked off my shoes, pressing my bare toes to the warmed up backyard tiles.

"Teddy's words may be simple, but those meanings.. they can change lives." Salomé mentioned, giving me a soft smile when we made eye contact. I had smiled back. Salomé was lovely, I liked her, and that wasn't the point of it all.

"Oh, surely they do.. which brings me to something else. Benji?" I looked up at Papà, saw how he swallowed, saw how his hands shook when they reached for mine. "Salomé and I want to tell you something. We wanted to wait until we were very sure, but maybe we've been sure for a very long-"

"Are you getting married?" I had blurted out, accidentally making the cola slosh over the edges, staining my beige trousers.

Papà sighed softly, then nodded his head. "Yeah, we are getting married." Salomé almost looked guilty, doing something which she wasn't supposed to, but I knew that wasn't the case. Papà's bottom lip had quivered, I could tell he was terrified to death to see my reaction.

"Mhm." I answered simply, staring down at my bare toes. It stayed awfully quiet after that, then I felt Salomé's soft fingers on my arm.

"Benjamin.." A shaky breath left her parted lips. "I don't really know what's going on inside your head at this point, but I hope that you know that I will never be able to replace your mother- and I don't even want to do that- please. Your mum will always be your Mamma, and nothing and no one stands in that way. No one, especially not me."

I could barf up all the biscuits I had sneaked off the plate, but instead I just stared at the ground. I remember thoughts flying through my mind, but I couldn't work out which ones were valid and which ones were brought up by my strong and heavy emotions.

"Benji?" Papà lifted up my chin with his finger, trying to make eye-contact. "I want to know, do you want to say anything at all?"

The Italian temper came out strongest, so I couldn't help and spit out my words. "What? Like what? Oh, I love that idea! Let's get straight into it so she can sleep on Mamma's side and you can make a million more babies and Mamma will be forgotten forever. Sounds lovely to me, doesn't it to you?"

God knows I hurt Salomé with that comment because I hadn't known her history, a terrible assault causing infections to the point that her uterus needed to be removed. Her wish to become a mother destroyed by a strange man.

Papà's expression had changed, too. A side I hadn't seen much when it was directed towards me. He became defensive, he had frowned, reached for my wrist as despair screamed throughout his voice. "Benjamin, you can have your opinion, but some things aren't to be said out loud."

"So who do you love more? Salomé? Or Mamma?" I had genuinely wondered, but it hurt Papà again.

"Benjamin-"

"Who's been nicer to you? Who's the better kisser? Who is more beautiful?"

"Benjamin, I don't want to hear any of those questions. I know many things may not make very much sense to you now, but hopefully when you're older, they will."

"Well, then if I may make myself clear, I hate the idea!" I pulled my arm back roughly, stood up and ran out the backyard, fighting back the tears. I hadn't known where to go to, but I eventually found my way to the graveyard, where I sat in front of Mamma. I cried a million tears, held onto her tombstone for dear life and begged God to make her come back to the earth.

The wind had gently stroked the tears off my cheeks and when I came back to my senses, I had numbly stared at her name. Her name. The stone. All that was left of her now. Just a memory. But she lived in my mind every single hour of the day.

Truth was, with Papà not having re-married, we could both pray as much as we could to make Mamma come back to life. But when Papà would be married again, I didn't dare praying for her to come back, because what if she did? And saw Papà had moved on? Obviously, I would be there to comfort her, but I couldn't bear that thought.

The other side of this all was that when I was sure she wouldn't come back, Papà marrying Salomé would confirm it, would settle it, and I didn't know if I could accept that harsh truth. I had lived the past years in a haze, not fully realising what the heck had happened. And when I did- it was too much for me to carry.

I had fallen asleep with Mamma because of my heavy emotions, which I never seemed to be able to control. When I woke up, I was fully tucked in my bed. It had been dark outside already. I wanted to cry in Papà's arms and tell him the truth, because I knew I had hurt him.

Moments later, I was stood in front of Papà's bedroom, my courage having faltered completely, which caused me to freeze a little and not daring to knock. "Benji?" He had heard me. I broke completely again, cried with loud, childlike sobs, covering my face with my hands.

Papà had lifted me onto his bed, wrapped his arms around me and the blankets around us and let me cry until I had ran out of snot and tears. He wiped the hair out of my face, quietly stared at me before he spoke with his soothing voice.

"It tears me apart to see you like this, Benjamin.. I wish you could see now, what you will see in a few years, when you understand the life of adults a little bit better." He kissed my nose, my cheeks, my forehead. "I know it may seem impossible to you, and the truth is Benjamin- it was for me too. I could have never imagined loving someone else like I loved Mamma.. but for some reasons, it still happened. Sometimes God gives us new people, so we don't have to be alone forever, especially after something like Mamma's situation happens. It can be too much to bear for one.."

"Maybe it's selfish, but I don't want him to give you new people." I rested my head to his warm, bare torso. "I want you to be happy Papà, but it hurts so much."

"I know it does, trust me." I could tell by his voice that he still grieved deeply, too. It comforted me.

"I don't choose for a new mother, Papà. I have no say in it."

"You don't have to see her as your new mother, okay? The only thing I want is for you to be a little nice to her." He kissed my face again, breathed in deeply when his nose was in my hair. "It will take months, Cowboy. So you can get used to the idea."

I turned around, pressed my back to his body, making myself the little spoon. "Do you think Mamma will get mad?"

"Is that what you're afraid of?"

"Well.. what if she sees us from up there? Won't she be sad that you love another woman?"

"I don't love her any less, Cowboy. If so, I have only loved her more and more after everything." He now kissed my ear, pulled onto the lobe. "And Benjamin, all she wanted for us was to be happy after she would been gone, she wanted us to be happy."

"Did she tell you that?"

"She did."

I fell asleep with that thought, thinking and hoping that in a few years, I would understand the adult thoughts a bit more than I did now, and would understand why Papà felt the need to marry someone else.

***

Dear Benjamin.. do you understand his emotions? Is it just his temper? Something else?

How do you think Zev handled the situation?

General opinions? I really hope you like these past chapters, soon, there will be more of him in present day (: x

Thank you so much for reading. I would love to hear your thoughts. xx Jo