It had been a few days since I had seen Gloria. Because of that, my hands itched to do something to get my mind off things. I had lived here for over a year with, not counting the nights, relatively less worries. But now that I had seen her again, thoughts clouded my mind thickly.

Matthew had sawn down some old trees, and I had promised to chop the wood for the fireplace inside, and the campfires the children could make whenever they would come for their camp. The wood laid behind the barn, where large trees were scattered around. It gave the property some privacy from behind. I liked that.

With the axe in my hand, I made my way over, placing the wood on top of a tree trunk. I chopped loads and loads, needing to feel the muscles in my arms and shoulders. It didn't take long to make me sweat. Straightening my back, I wiped my forehead with the back of my hand, and stared at how the sun beamed softly through the trees. If I wanted to fill up another wheelbarrow, I had to make haste, for the sun would turn down soon.

Every time my mind had the chance to go back to the encounter of a few days ago, an unsettling feeling filled my stomach. I stopped chopping again, my concentration dragging me away from the task each time.

She had brought my mind back to the years that I had tried to forget so hard. And for years, I thought I had succeeded, but ever since the accident, the past slowly dripped back in. The unsettling feeling grew stronger, and I let out a frustrated sigh, before chopping again.

But as the sun slowly left, my vision became blurrier, my headache came back. I laid the axe down, and placed the full wheelbarrow in the barn, in case it would start to rain later today. Despite the temperature getting chillier, I was sweating a lot and craved for the outside shower.

It was placed behind the barn as well, facing the small forest. It only had cold water, one wall for some privacy, and a small light that was sensitive to movement, flickering on when I moved. That way, we knew someone would be there. It sounded just fine for now. I undressed, washed my hair and body, rinsed myself off and tried to ignore the pain that shot up my right leg because of the cold.

A cowboy bath. I remembered how I pleaded to Papà to make me cowboy baths. A tub in the backyard. Cold water from the garden hose. I don't know why, but my younger self had always thought that cowboys did that. Taking cold baths outside. It was something I desired, it was something Papà used to give me. The thought only hurt now.

When I was dried off and dressed, I sauntered my way inside the farm house, because of my right leg that had become painful by the coldness. My mind wasn't there to cook something difficult, so I went with a simple pasta carbonara.

I placed the damping plates upon the table when the food was ready, and Matthew sat down, mumbling out a prayer before we started eating. We never said much. Most of the time, Matthew would read the newspaper once again, and I would simply stare at my plate while eating. The silence was fine.

We finished eating quickly, and after he had read from the Bible, and we had done the dishes, I said: "Well, I'm going for the last check-up round, and then turn into bed, I suppose." I mumbled out as I put on my chelsea boots.

"Good night, Benjamin." Matthew gave me a faint but genuine smile, and took a seat in his leathered armchair, a book on his lap.

After I bid him goodnight, I firstly checked the chickens, to see if they were already on their roosts. When I saw that was the case, I closed the chicken coop for the night. Then, I turned to the barn animals. Switching on the lights, the Shetland pony neighed softly to greet me. I stroked her nose, gave her some extra hay for the night and turned my eyes to the cows, seeing they had enough silage, too. I gave the blacknose sheep some snacks, bid them a goodnight and walked up the small stairs, which stood in front of the stall of the Shetland pony.

Once upstairs, I switched off the lights in the barn, and turned on the table light in my small home. I closed the curtains, brushed my teeth and turned to bed. I let out a deep breath, and tried to listen to the animals, who were either softly eating, or starting to slumber too. No door separated my home from the barn, which I quite liked. That way, I could hear the animals.

Though, sleep couldn't get to me that night. I tossed and turned, but Gloria had caused my thoughts to wander. I thought of the Beany Business. I thought of Nolan. I thought of Amelie. Growing up, I now realized they had been the greatest friends to me. Memories appeared in my head. My fingers wanted to let them out.

Olivetti lettera 32

I wouldn't be older than twelve years old. Nostalgia hit me deeply. I pictured the two of us running inside the shop after school, jerking away the school uniform ties, reaching for a donut with thick glazing, or cakes with cherry fillings and chocolate sponges.

Daniel, his father, would scold us for grabbing the pastries with our dirty fingers, but ruffled our hair as we walked by. A week later, when I was over for dinner, he tried to silence all of Nolan's five siblings. "Guys, I have great news."

"What, dad?" Nolan had wondered, wiggling his eyebrows at me in excitement. I felt my own heart beating loudly at the announcement.

"Well, Beany Business will not only have some mean coffee, tea, pastries and whatsoever, it will also have a few beds in the future."

"What? How?" I had wondered, chatted away with Nolan how the stools and benches would be replaced with beds and everyone could order breakfast in bed with chocolate croissants and fresh Jus 'd orange.

"No, no. We're changing the lofts into a bed and breakfast. The house beside here is up for sale, so we're planning on buying that, so we can expand the Beany Business."

"Sei impazzito, that's super awesome!"

A few months later, it all had been renovated, and Daniel had promised that Nolan and I were the first guests in their room Verona. I had liked the name, it was my Mamma's birthplace. It felt special stepping inside that room. And when we did, my mouth had hung open widely. The room was painted in a gentle, olive green color. The curtains were colorful, like the knitted sweaters Mamma made for me and Papà. A few photos hung against the walls. The balcony of Romeo e Giulietta, a Vespa, espresso's and the small streets where Nonna e nonno lived in, too. He had gotten the furniture from thrift shops, a rattan chair to read in, a bed made from wooden pallets, green plants with colorful terracotta pots, and so much more.

Daniel had laid his hand upon my shoulder, I think he could read off my face how much it did to me. This room had felt home to me, it felt like Mamma was hugging me, whispering words into my ear with her mother language. Like Mamma had designed the room herself. It became my refuge.

"I think your mum would have loved it." Nolan whispered, somewhat careful as he didn't mean to pick on still rather fresh wounds. It had only been around three years that she had passed away. But I missed her greatly.

I didn't really know what to say to that and I knew after a few more words, I would start crying, so I picked up a pillow and softly smacked it against his head. He had gotten the note and as soon as we had changed into our pajamas, we hung over the railing of the balcony and waved at the adults who stayed up late for ice creams, drinks and food.

"I have an idea." I had whispered after we had closed the window, craving the food I had just seen. "What if your Papà is gone to bed, we can tiptoe downstairs and get some pastries from the display."

Nolan had frowned, shaken his head. "We can't do that."

"Why not?"

"Well.. people are supposed to buy it."

I pushed Nolan onto the huge bed, pinned him down and held him for at least eight seconds long. Which meant I had won a buckle, and could be the rodeo rider of the year. I counted in my head, while Nolan struggled underneath me.

"Get off me! I can't breathe, Benji!"

"Five.. six.."

"Benjamin! This isn't funny, you're hurting me."

"Seven.."

"Fine!" Nolan squirmed still, I had long forgotten about the pastries, busy imagining that he was the bull and I had control all over him. He could do me nothing, he could make me absolutely nothing. A mighty beast, yet I won. "Benjamin!" Tears had sprung into his eyes. "Stop, fine! We will get pastries! Just get off me!"

"Eight!" I let go of him and rolled down beside him. "And the winner of the golden buckle is.. Beniamino Teddy Matteo Malin! Woohoo! Everybody chant his name! He is the champion of the year!" I laughed loudly, turned my face to Nolan, only to find him sitting at the edge of the bed, with his back turned to me. "Nolan?"

He didn't answer. I crawled over to him and sat beside him. "Hello, Nolan?!"

Thick, fresh tears were rolling down his cheeks. It startled me.

"What did I do wrong?"

He showed me his wrists, they were awfully red, to the point I was sure they would turn into bruises. "You should go back to play therapy! You're insane sometimes." He spat out. His comment hurt me deeply.

We had gone to sleep without saying more. When I had woken up in the middle of the night, I slipped out of bed, tiptoed downstairs into the shop and sat on the small stairs that led to the kitchen, with a big chunk of chocolate sponge upon my lap. Eating away my emotions and the painful words he had said to me, even when I didn't mean no harm.

Although our friendship went through some rough phases after Mamma had passed away, I'd always had a strong, deep brotherly love in the core of my heart for him. He had always been there, no matter what, even when I hadn't always returned it. I wondered if he thought the same about me still, though I doubted it highly. I wondered where he spent his days. Whom he was giving his attention to all day long. For all that knows, he was married now. 

*

Some Nolan and Benjamin memories. What happened to their friendship? 

What happened to Benjamin?

And who's Amelie ;) ?

Let me know your thoughts. Much love! xx