My eighteenth birthday was on a Sunday. The day before I turned eighteen, Amelie had wanted to take me somewhere. I had managed to take the day off at Mr. Wood's farm, he dismissed me with a mischievous smile. Her parents liked to have her home on Sundays, hence why we spent the day together on a Saturday.

Although the grieve classes had stopped years back, nothing had ever come in between our friendship. I think sharing such deep thoughts and connections starting from a young age, was what had made the foundation of our friendship so close and firm. We had shared thoughts that we'd never shared with anyone else. And even though Nolan and I had periods where we didn't speak as much; Nolan telling me that he was fed up with my behavior, which is why he would spend more time with Arthur and Eric, I knew Amelie's love for me was unconditionally and I could always crawl back to her whenever things went tough. I hoped I gave her the same feeling.

Amelie had bought me a train ticket to the Lake District, where we would take a hike and have a pizza later. I loved the idea, but with my thoughts drifting off to the conversation I'd had with Colter a few weeks ago, I wasn't always present with my mind.

I think Amelie must have felt it. Whenever she would talk, she sometimes stopped and waited for as long as it took me to notice the silence. I would apologize, sincerely, but a minute later, it would happen again.

"What is it?"

Sighing, we stopped walking for a moment, our legs burning from the hike up. The outside temperature wasn't necessarily warm, but sweat trickled down my body by the activity. Everything inside me screamed that I had to tell her what was on my mind, that I had to tell her about Colter. We had always told each other everything about certain topics, so why wouldn't I now? I wasn't entirely sure, but maybe I was afraid that she would hold me back, too. That she would tell me that Papà genuinely came to watch me. That he genuinely cared for me, and that it was partly the reason why he was so hesitant about the things I wanted to do. I had heard it before, but something inside me screamed that I didn't want to buy that. "I'm sorry. It just feels weird, turning eighteen."

"That's not it." Amelie said, eyes raking over my face.

"Remember I told you that I would drink wine on my eighteenth birthday?" With Mamma, but I didn't want to bring her up again. It was true. It hurt. But it wasn't entirely the reason why my mind was off.

Amelie's features softened. "I'm truly sorry, Ben. I know how much you would have wanted that to happen."

I was happy she was buying it.

We continued to hike through the rolling hills, which slowly turned into lofty peaks, the view becoming more outstretched in front of us. The scenery was gorgeous. We enjoyed it in silence for a while. I noticed Amelie glancing at me so now and then. I'd look back at her, give her a smile.

When we had to stop for a shepherd herding his sheep across the path, we took it as a moment to rest for a while. We watched the sheep bleating loudly, dribbling away as the Border Collie barked at them. "Aren't they just so funny?" Amelie laughed softly, it was a sound that made me feel safe, how stupid that may have sound.

"They are." I agreed, but secretly wondered how it would be to herd cattle in the mountains, on horseback, lasso in my hands. That dream had never left my mind, and Colter had fed it enormously. The past couple of days, I had contacted him a couple of times more. The money wasn't an issue anymore, I just needed to see when the time was right.

An hour later, we decided to sit down upon the grass, with on our left side a lofty peak, and on the right side, an enormous lake. "Thank you for taking me here, Amelie. It's truly wonderful."

"Isn't it?" Amelie agreed, taking out some fruits and biscuits. We drank some water, chatted away about the scenery for moments long. We watched people walk by, while we ate our snacks, greeting them with nods and smiles.

When I saw a couple walking by, I glanced at Amelie. Did I like Amelie in that particular way? I wasn't so sure. Then what drove me to do this? I wasn't so sure, also. Was it to say goodbye? To give her a piece of me to hold on to? To let her give a piece to me, for me to hold onto? Perhaps.

Was it selfish? Oh, yes. Extremely selfish. But I still did it.

"Do you ever wonder what it feels like to kiss?" I asked, out of the blue. I saw that it startled her.

She glanced at me, a frown on her face. "With you?"

That caught me off guard. I rolled my eyes, laughing it off. "No, just in general."

"Oh." Amelie chuckled awkwardly, blushes appearing on her cheeks. It warmed my heart. "Well.. I don't know."

"Yes, you do know. You're a hopeless romantic." I chuckled, poking her side.

Amelie squealed, squirming away from me. She looked at me, mischief written on her face. "It's a thought I won't share with you."

"Sei impazzito!" I groaned, poking her side again. "That wasn't part of the deal. We always tell each other everything."

"Do we?" Amelie shot back. I swallowed thickly. Foreshadowing?

"Sì, Amore." I tried to grin, hovering over her to poke her side again and again.

Amelie burst into a fit of laughter, trying everything to get me off her. I continued, until she kicked me so hard, that I dropped myself, having to regain a grip on my breathing. When I had caught my breath again, I leaned on my elbows, our faces only inches away. I could almost count the freckles on her face, could almost feel the warmth of the sun on a bright sunny day, where the sky would be as deep blue as her eyes. My breath hitched.

"Well, do you wonder what it feels like?"

"With you?" She repeated.

"If you insist, Principessa." I pressed my lips onto hers, before she could protest. We kissed for a moment long, and she set my body on fire at that exact moment. She aroused a desire in me, which I didn't know I had. Slowly, Amelie had turned into a woman, and I was turning into a man, but I had never given it that much thought before, until this very moment. I pulled away before I wanted more, remembering myself why I had done this in the first place.

Amelie let out a deep breath, her eyes raking all over my face. We slowly sat up. Amelie raked her fingers through her hair, an attempt to untangle it. "Heavens."

I was at loss for words, too. I resented myself for going so far, but at the same time, why did it feel so good? Was it Amelie? The desires of a man?

"They really weren't lying when they said that Italian kisses taste like cappuccino's and Amaretti biscuits." Amelie glanced at me, her features shy. I liked that side of her. It soothed me. Warmed me.

"Bittersweet?"

"More like strong and sweet."

I chuckled at that. After a moment I said: "Who said that?" I tried to act like it hadn't done so much to my feelings. But my tingling lips and shaking hands said otherwise.

Amelie laughed softly. "Who would?"

I laughed back at her. "Well, nobody told me that British kisses tasted like fresh strawberries, covered in warm, melted chocolate." I licked my bottom lip, leaning back on my hands, with my legs stretched in front of me. "Ha un buon sapore. Mhm." Everything inside of me screamed that I wanted to do it again, but I held myself back. It wouldn't be fair. In fact, I had crossed a line already. I couldn't look at her for a moment.

"Approved."

"What?" I asked.

"Kissing. It's quite nice."

"Sì, si, Amore." I agreed.

We hadn't talked about it for the rest of the hike. After the hike, we went to a pizza restaurant, where I ordered a Quattro Stagioni, and where Amelie went for a safer choice: the Margherita. Amelie embraced my roots fully, she wanted me to talk about the pizza dough, the yeast even. She listened genuinely, let me rant about the sauce and the vegetables, let me rant about how it was different from the recipes in my family. She let me rant about everything. And I realized that I talked so much because I knew I was going to lose her so soon.

When we had finished our pizzas and the train had taken us back to our home village, we pulled each other in a hug. I thanked her thoroughly for the day out and when she turned around, I whispered: "ti prego, perdonami."

She had heard it, but she was used to my Italian, untranslated phrases. So she simply smiled, waved happily. It was a sight I would never forget, which would appear in my sleepless nights and my fever dreams. Sometimes I couldn't even believe that she had been real. If she was, why did I let her go like that?

I needed to satisfy my desires, but I didn't want it to be decided recklessly. I needed the assurance that I could truly find it there. So, with a coffee from the Beany Business in my hand, I took a seat furthest away from the counter, giving Nolan a quick nod as he hastily grabbed two muffins, one for me and one for himself. On the house. He placed it in front of me, eying me.

"You alright?" His eyes narrowed, I wondered if he sensed more. My phone kept vibrating in the pocket of my trousers. Maybe sitting here wasn't the smartest choice, after all.

"Sure, why?" I answered, fidgeting with my fingers underneath the table.

"You ordered a cappuccino. It's eight pm. You almost knocked me down last time I wanted to order one. Because before eleven am-"

"Alright, alright." I grinned, waving him off with my hands. "I'm also partly British, remember?"

"Aye." Nolan chuckled, fist-bumping my shoulder. My phone had stopped vibrating. "Well, I'm going to play squash with Eric. See you around." He walked off, I swallowed thickly.

Reaching for my phone, I had two missed calls from Colter. I returned it immediately.

"Hello there, pasta pesto." I rolled my eyes at his name for me.

"Ciao. Sorry, something got in between." I lowered my voice, constantly glancing around if I saw somebody I knew. Colter hummed barely. "I just need to know, what if I don't make it through the try-outs? What happens then?"

"You'll come through them."

"But what if I don't?"

"Then, what, indeed?"

"Colter, I'm about to make quite a big decision. Isn't it quite normal to have a back-up plan?"

"That's not my problem. But, if you insist.. you can stay, I can teach you some tricks. Or I can pay for your ticket back home, but I'm sure that's not what you want."

Was it?

"But then your aspirations will die along, and I don't think you'll be given this opportunity again."

It was the last push I needed. After the call, I did what I needed to do. I knew that Papà and Salomé never checked the bank accounts on Sunday, or did anything remotely close to work, so without noticing, I would log on at night and do what I had to. Colter had taken care of the other things for me.

I'm not sure if Papà had noticed that I was in my own world. I had barely eaten, barely spoken a word when I had returned home from my trip with Amelie and the quick coffee stop at the Beany Business. All that, while he was asking my ears off about the day.

When I was about to turn upstairs, I saw how Papà was writing things down in his notebook. He liked to write his thoughts out, it was something that belonged to him. After that, he took a seat at the piano, singing some hymns. I stared at him for minutes long. My thoughts were spinning roughly.

But I pushed my thoughts to think of how unfair it was that he could always release his emotions and feelings through the things he was passionate about, and he wouldn't allow me to do the same. I pushed my thoughts to think of the trauma he had given me. I pushed my thoughts to Colter, who would give me the life I had always wanted. A man I hadn't known a few weeks ago, he would do it. And my own father would not.

With that thought in mind, I went to bed, only to wake up three hours later. I had written a note, laid it on the table and went up to their room to do the thing I, to the present day, regret the most of all things I had done to them.

I had silently entered Papà's room, reached for the wine bottles and smashed each one of them on the floor, ignoring his voice that was, thinking back, hoarse, full of pain, but- and this was something that had struck me to the present day- not resentful. I snatched Mamma's letters off the floor and left home.

And I never looked back.

--

So.. Benjamin and Amelie? Do you think they had feelings for each other after all? 

Was it wrong for Benjamin to kiss her?

And what about the last part? Benjamin smashing the wine bottles?

Leaving home?

What do you think will happen next? Let me know your thoughts! Your support means the world to me x Jo