JOSI

The car pulls up to the train station minutes before the train ride. When was the last time Josi had been to the train station? Months ago it was, when she had embarked on her visit home. Then the visits stopped-not because of Idris, but because of Josi herself. Because she could no longer face her family. Now she's going home to do just that.

"Got everything you need?" Dami asks, in the middle of unwrapping another lollipop. That's her third since the car ride began.

Josi nods her head yes, though all she really has are a couple changes of clothes and her wallet. The rest of her things burned down in the estate.

Now the two sit in the car; Dami in the driver's seat and Josi in the passenger's. The time for boarding hasn't yet arrived. It will be in a couple more minutes.

"Wait," Josi starts, eyes scanning the vehicle. "Whose car is this?"

Dami shrugs, and Josi just sighs. "So what are you going to do now?" Josi asks.

Dami pulls the candy from her mouth and thinks. Though it seems she's already given it plenty thought. "I've always wanted to be a con artist."

Josi tries interfering, but Dami just keeps on with her deliberate plan. "Yeah! I could start my own team like they do in the movies. And then I'd find some place with rich enough people like California and settle down. I hear the people there aren't very smart. And instead of the chameleon they could call me, like, Robin Hood or something."

"Robin Hood helps the underprivileged." Josi tells her.

"That's perfect. I'd just be helping myself."

Josi has nothing else to say, so she just chuckles. Hopefully Dami doesn't get wrapped up with the police. Though Josi knows it would be difficult for the authorities to track her down.

Josi checks the time on her phone for an update. Five minutes remain before boarding. She turns to Dami who busies herself with the lollipop, and Dami returns the stare. Then they sit there under silence.

Finally, Dami sighs and stretches her arms wide. "Come on."

Josi completes the embrace with a smile. She sits there for seconds, because she knows as soon as she pulls away, it will truly be goodbye. "Thank you."

"Stop, you're going to make me cry."

"Really?"

"No."

Josi ends the hug and gives Dami one last look. And this time, Dami smiles. "Good luck."

Now Josi is overcome with emotion. She nods her head yes, contemplates saying goodbye, but goes against it. They both already know this is goodbye. No need saying it.

Josi steps out the car and stands there until Dami drives off. Until her car becomes lost in the distance.

Now to board that train home. It takes off right on time. As Josi sits there with her head against the window, she begins to realize she has no idea how to tackle this new issue.

What does she say to her family? Hi, mom. Hi, dad. Josi sighs and scratches those options off the list. She thinks up another conversion starter. Perhaps she could compliment her mother's kitchen set. She always took pride in fine China. Hi, mom. I know we haven't seen each other in a while, but your dishes are really neat. Once again, Josi sighs.

The answer will come when she arrives. The train pulls into the station at around 5:26 P.M, and the ride to her home takes an extra thirty minutes. By the time she arrives, she's already thought of another conversation starter. This one begins with an apology. An apology for disappearing. For the distance that was wedged between them. Though not entirely her fault, Josi can't help but feel responsible.

But when they ask why she'd been so distant, what does she tell them? Does she tell them she was kidnapped? Does she tell them she was held against her will, and that the only way to gain her freedom was to pretend to love her kidnapper? That in her quest to do so, she'd passed the point of no return?

Suddenly, Josi's confidence shrinks. There it is again. The fear. The judgment. What would they think? Would they despise her? Josi swallows down hard. They definitely would. They'll think she's a monster. They'll equate her to the worst thing that ever happened to them.

Josi gazes up at the house. It looks to have stretched in size, and now it seems as though it's looming over her, threatening to squash her out. Daring her to knock on its door. It clearly doesn't want her there. It doesn't want her on its porch. It seems to already be aware of what she is, and now it wants her gone.

Josi lowers her gaze to the ground. To think after all the madness she's been through, she would be intimidated by a house. A stupid little suburban house. Yet it looks about ready to open its fangs and chew her up. She could always just come up with another plan like she always has. A way to get past that door. And perhaps this time, no one will have to pay for the consequences of her actions.

In . . . Out . . . In . . . Out . . .Josi takes as many deep breaths in as she can, trying to contain as much of the trembling. It has gotten to the point where she can even hear her teeth chattering. She ignores the silent threat the house throws at her and steps up to the door, hands in fists and eyes locked onto the doorbell. There it is. Such a small button, sitting there at the side of the door. Waiting to be buzzed.

So Josi prepares herself. She closes her eyes, exhales, then brings her hand up to the doorbell. Then she waits and waits and waits. All while her throat has gone dry, and her heart seems as though it will claw its way out of her chest. Just ring the stupid thing! Josi tells herself. But she takes no further action.

Finally Josi gives up and steps back. Then comes the wave of frustration, gnawing her so deep in her gut. Can she really face her family? Can she look them all in the eye and smile as though the past two years of her life never happened? One by one, the images of her family float into her head. From her mother to her father. But as soon as Aspen comes to mind, Josi grows sick in her stomach. Because not only is Aspen's image there, but Alice's as well.

And then the rest of her crimes come flowing in. From the first guard she shot to the Yarrow family, and finally to the bomb she brought to the estate. How many people must have died from that attack alone? Josi has no idea, and the thought makes her grow even more sick. Now the panic takes full charge. No amount of deep breaths in can treat this one. She looks at the doorbell once again, how it has grown so distant. How it has now become her enemy.

With defeated resolve, Josi sighs and leaves the porch. She couldn't get past a simple door.

__

Josi returns the following day when the sun begins retreating. When she's sure her family has gathered around the dining table for dinner. She steps up to the door, stands there, and just stares. From within, she can hear a bit of chatter. Some louder than the others. The loud ones, Josi suspects must be directed at Aspen. She must have tried sneaking in some snacks and was scolded by their mother.

Josi stares at the door some more. It seems to have grown larger in size since yesterday. So daunting it is, the last obstacle in her path. Yet she can't defeat such a simple threat. All she has to do is ring the bell. All she has to do is get past that door and her family will be there. Then she will truly be home.

Josi swallows down saliva, locks the doorbell down in a staring contest, then extends her hand. Her fingers graze the buzzer, but don't push down on it. She keeps standing, hesitating, overthinking. Until finally she drops her hand.

Josi takes a step back. Her chest begins heaving once again, palms sticky with sweat. Why should it be this difficult? Why can't she just push forward? She's faced harsher threats. She's conquered them all and put it all behind her. A door should be nothing. Still, Josi can't stop herself from trembling. She closes her eyes and takes in more deep breaths. Then she readies herself again. Steadies herself.

Finally, Josi opens her eyes. She steps up to the doorbell, and with another deep breath, tries again.

~《¤》~

MRS. CADE

"No chocolates before dinner, Aspen!"

Aspen grumbles and clutches the sweets in her hands. "But mom, I only had one."

"You shouldn't be having any. Put those back in the cabinet."

Aspen sighs and does so. Meanwhile, Mrs. Cade busies herself with setting up the table. She contemplates switching up the dishware today for the more expensive sets. But those are reserved for big occasions, such as Josi's visits home. Though she hasn't been home in a while, and now Mrs. Cade has come to see no use for those dishes.

Then the doorbell rings and Mrs. Cade freezes. Who could it be at this hour of the day? She sets the dishes down on the table and goes to answer it, still puzzled by the unexpected visitor.

When she opens the door, however, there's no one there. Mrs. Cade looks left, then right. But whoever rang the doorbell has long since left. Instead, there's a piece of paper on the doorstep. No, not a piece of paper. An envelope.

Mrs. Cade takes the mail inside with her, inspecting it. Mr. Cade soon joins her, having just woken up from a nap. "Who was at the door?"

But Mrs. Cade doesn't answer him. She stands there frozen, the letter not yet torn open, because she can't get past the sender's name. Josita Cade. Her daughter who she hasn't seen in ages. She clutches the letter tight in her hands. Then after bracing herself, she tears it open. Slowly, carefully. As though it were a bomb ready to go off.

Dear mom and dad and Aspen,

I wasn't planning on this letter, because I thought I had it in me to see you all once again. But I couldn't take the final leap. Can you believe that? I couldn't bring myself to ring the doorbell. And now I've forced this letter upon you all, hoping you forgive me for not being able to take that final leap. Hoping you forgive me for being absent. Hoping you forgive me for no longer being your daughter. I've grown sick. It's nothing too serious, so please don't worry too much. But because of that I can't return home. I don't want you all seeing me this way, because though it may not make much sense, you won't be seeing the same person.

But all sickness can be cured. I promise I'll return when I'm all better. Or when I, at least, look a little more like I used to. And don't worry about that job I work at. I quit a little while ago. They got sued and are now facing charges. But so much has happened since I left over a year ago, and I wish from the bottom of my heart that I could truly share it with you guys. That I could explain it all. But I can't. And I don't think I'll ever be able to.

To Aspen: I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you. I'll return as a better big sister, a sister you can truly be proud of. Then we'll take that walk down the park together. And this time it won't be rushed because we'll have all the time in the world. Until then, I want you all to wait for me. Don't worry because I won't be gone too long. Though, I am a bit afraid it could take a lot to get better. But I'll be back home one day. I'll be back where I belong, and this time I won't leave.

This isn't a goodbye. I'll return when I'm no longer sick. When I can stand straight and look you all in the eye. When you all can look at me and still be proud. Because the daughter you raised is better than the one now, and you all deserve nothing less. So while I'm currently struggling to get these words on paper, I hope you all find it easier to understand. And I'm sorry. So sorry for leaving this way. For disappearing so suddenly. But I just can't come back home.

I want you all to know that I'm truly grateful for being part of this family. That I'll never stop thinking of you all. That I love you all so, so much. And that when I return, I'll be returning as a healthier person.

Love, your beloved daughter and sister.

Immediately Mrs. Cade is overcome with every emotion in the book, but mostly with grief. The tears flow before she even has the chance to ready herself. And when they begin, they don't stop. She knew things weren't the same ever since Josi switched careers over a year ago. Better pay and accommodation, Josi had told her. Till now, Mrs. Cade still has no idea what job it was. But it was Josi's decision, and even while she had pressed for further details, all Josi had told her was that she was happy.

Now Mrs. Cade regrets not advising Josi against that job. Because she's just lost her daughter.

"What is it?" Mr. Cade asks. He takes the letter away from his wife's hands and begins reading it through. Meanwhile, Aspen lingers at the doorway, eyes darting between both parents.

When Mrs. Cade sees her, the tears double in quantity. Aspen grows visibly confused. But before she can even question, Mrs. Cade pulls her into an embrace and keeps her there. Just then, Mr. Cade finishes up with the letter, and he too becomes visibly troubled. He stares at the paper, stoned face, while Mrs. Cade's sobs fill the room.

Now the Cade family reel over the loss of their daughter. It has all been thrust upon them in nothing but a letter. Not even one last look or farewell. So they grieve. They ache. They hold their heads low.

But the gloom is only temporary. The heartache won't last forever. Because when Josi returns, those tears will turn to smiles.

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