I walk back to Ryan and say "I quit. I can't deal with this job anymore. I am going to leave America... This job was the best and worst thing that happened in my life and I am thankful that I had the opportunity, but everything has an end... and mine is here."

"Take all the time you want and if you are feeling any better than come back. I will always have a place for you here Nella." Says Ryan and nods understanding.

I hug him before I leave the set for probably the last time. As soon as I am home, I go onto my computer and buy a flight to Ireland.

I rember the old house my grandma gave to me before she died. It was on this quiet Island called Sherkin Island. Quiet... exactly what I need now. I need time to think about the choices I made. I regret some of them... okay maybe a lot of them.

I pack my things together and decide to write a letter to Jessica. I owe it to her.

Dear Jessica,
don't be sad princess. None of this is your fault. Well not all of this... I think it was just the easiest way, blaming you. I just need time... a lot of time. I am an emotional wreck and unstable. I had a pretty hard past and I still can't deal with it. I wasn't honest with you. Well I never lied to you, but I didn't tell you the whole truth. Maybe if god wants us to be together then we will meet again and I will tell you everything. I am leaving America and you. Don't be sad and  don't cry, because princesses never cry. I still love you, but I don't want you to deal with all that shit that I have to go trough now. It will take a long time to recover from what happened with the cutting and starving and I have been through this already. I need to make this alone... Nobody can help me with this. You need to know that I never wanted to hurt you in any way. Please always remeber me the way we met and not as the weak and cutting Fenella. Maybe we will see us again, but don't search for me... and if that doesn't happen then I wish you a happy life. And go out and find love again! I am sure there is a pretty man waiting for you out there.

Love Fenella. ♡

This was the hardest thing I have done in my entire life... I look at the clock any see that it already is ten pm and go to bed. Tomorrow will be a long and stressful day.

I stand up at three am and make my way to Ryan. I throw in the letter I wrote for Jessica  and a paper which says give the letter to Jessica and don't read it.

After that I make my way to the airport. I soon sit in the air plain, on my way to my home.... my home. I wish I knew what my home is. I have nobody left. I pushed everybody away.

I look trough the gallery of my phone and find a picture of Jessica and me. We look so in love and a tear rolls down my cheek. I quickly wipe it away. I turn my phone off. She is better without me. I am all trouble and that is not what she needs right now. She will never need me....

After a few hours I land in Ireland and drive with a rental car to the ferry that leads to Sherkin. I only need a few more minutes after that and am finally at my house.

I open the door and old memories come back to me. Good and bad ones. I walk trough the house and it is like I left it ten years ago. It is old and cozy just like I felt when I was with my grandma. I miss her.

I go into her bedroom. I didn't touch touch thing in here. I look at the pictures full of dust. I look so happy. Now... nothing is left of that girl I once was.

I walk back into my room and lay down. It was a pretty exhausting day and I am still weak. I need to focus on getting better and eating more. It will take me a few months to recover completly, but I am positive.

This house gives me somehow the strenght to go on and don't end it. I will get trough it because of my grandma. She would have understood me, but she died way too early.

She died when I was twelve and I am still not over her death. I was never the same...

I slowly drift of to sleep and think about what Jessica is doing and if she already got my letter...

....

I wake up to the birds singing. I smile to myself. I missed Ireland so much... it is my home. I take the car and the ferry to get back into town. I buy everything what I need for the next few weeks and make my way back to the island.

The island is so small and everybody knows everybody so I am sure it doesn't take long until everybody knows that I am back.

I grab something to eat after I stored everything and walk into the living room. I see a cd player in the corner and turn it one. I hear my grandma's favorite song Piano man by Billy Joel and sing along with it.

When I was younger I sang a lot. Everybody said I have a pretty voice, but after my grandma died... it just didn't feel right to sing.

I listen to the song over and over again. It calms me down. After I have enough of listening to the song I begin to think... think about Jessica. What is she doing? Oh god I can't get her out of my mind!

Then I hear the voices in my head again You got what you deserve... She has a better life without you... You are worthless... Come on. You know you feel better after you cut...

"NOOOO!!!" I scream and begin to cry. I am becoming insane.

Tears stream down my face. I pull at my hair and curl up into a ball. Nothing helps... the voices don't want to go and I know only one way to get rid of them.

No. I can't do that. I am here to recover. Not to cut myself. I walk out of the house... I need fresh air. I bump into someone and quickly say "I am sorry."

This someone looks at me and says "Don't worry about it. I am Luke and I just moved in right next to you."

"I am Fenella. I came back from America yesterday so you probably didn't see me before." I say and smile at him.

"So what do you think about drinking a cup of tea together?"  He asks and I quickly say "Look Luke... if you try to flirt with me... I am lesbian..."

"And I am gay. I am pretty sure we will get along well." He says and we both laugh. Laughing. Something I didn't do for a while.

We walk into his house and he makes us a cup of tea. I missed drinking tea in America. Everybody drinks coffee there.

"So what made you come back from America? I am pretty sure it's way more exciting than Ireland."

I pull up the sleeve and show him my cuts "I just needed a quiet place to recover..."

He nods understanding. "When did you start cutting and starving and why?" He asks as if nothing is wrong with it. I guess he just tries to be nice.

"I was hurt. I never got help from anybody so I learned this way to help me..."

"Let me guess. You did have a girlfriend that hurt you?"

"I had the best girlfriend you could ask for and I left her... she didn't do anything wrong. I just used a dumb thing as an excuse to break up with her. I was afraid of getting too attached. I know no realationship lasts forever. Especially when you date an celebrity."

"Uhhh. Who was it? I want all the gossip." He says and makes me laugh. "But I know exactly what you mean... I cut too... I will help you get trough this. You aren't alone. I got trough this now I will help you."

I smile at him thankfully and say "Thank you so much Luke."

....

I walk back over to my house and still am happy. Luke is everything you could ask for. He is understanding  and caring. And there is no way that he is into me...

Jessica probably tried to call me like a thousand times, but I threw my phone away. If I wanna get trough this I can't be on social media or distracted. I don't even have a tv in my house.

I walk into the room my grandma loved. I wasn't in here since she died. In the middle of the room stands a piano. I sit down and begin to play.

I remeber sitting here with my grandma and playing. I can loose myself in music. I can express myself trough music. Without knowing I start playing Piano man and sing along with it.

The song is soon over and I realise how much I missed playing piano. I start playing true colors and sing it on my own way. I think about Jessica the whole time. I cry... a lot. I let all of the emotion I was holding in out, by singing this song with my whole heart.

"Wow you are really good at singing." Says Luke who is standing behind me.

"How? How did you get in?"

"You left your glasses at my house and the door was still open so I came in."

"Thank you." I say when he hands me the glasses.

"I have a friend who owns a bar. I am sure you could sing there. Your voice is amazing!" He says and I blush.

"I am not even sure if I want to sing. I hate to sing in front of people." I say and stand up.

"No... please sing something for me."

"Maybe tomorrow. I am tired." I say and he nods.

5 months later

My life made a huge turn and became almost perfect. I eat regular and gained weight. I didn't cut since I came back. Luke is a big help.

I sing a lot even though I turned the job offer down. It helps me to get trough all of this. I am happy, but I am missing one thing... Jessica.

I didn't see her for five months and I am still wondering if she misses me sometimes. I am sure that she found new love. I on the opposite don't want to find new love. I will always consider her as the love of my life and I don't want anybody taking her place.

I take my keyboard and sit down in the garden. I sing true colours again. I didn't sing it since the day I met Luke.

I get totally lost in the song and don't hear that someone is approaching me from behind. I think about Jessica all the time and put as much emotions as possible into the song.

"If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there
And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors
True colors are shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow." I sing the last part with closed eyes.

I put all of the emotions I have into this song and a tear rolls down my cheek after I finish it.

"Can I call you up when I've taken all I can bear?" Someone says behind me and I freeze. I know this voice too well.