I love her. I love her and still I'm sitting here, eating dinner with Sarah. I miss her and regret leaving her. I feel bad for it. We should have talked about it instead of me just leaving. I need to talk to her right now or I'll feel bad for the rest of the week.

"Sarah I am really sorry, but I need to go," I say and put my napkin aside. "I knew you were off the whole day," she says and I smile at her weakly. "I made a huge mistake and I need to talk to her before I leave..." I say and she just nods. "Go and get your girl," she says and I smile thankfuly at her before I hurry out of the restaurant.

I call a cab that brings me in high speed to Jessica's house. I pay the driver and rush up the stairs of the huge house. In my hurry I don't find the keys in my purse so I just grab the spare key from over the door.

I open the door and run in, leaving the door open. I'm just so happy to see her again that I don't care what I look like. My hair must be a total mess and my mascara has made me to a panda due to sweat.

I stopp in my tracks as soon as I see that Jessie's not alone. She is with... Danny. And the two of them are kissing passionately... No, this can't be true. Romantic music is playing and there are two glasses of her favorite wine.

Tears are welling up, but I force them back down. I won't cry infront of her. Her eyes open and she looks at me, breaking away from Danny. "Nella," she says and the shock is written across her face.

"What are you doing here?" she asks and tears well up in her eyes. "I just wanted to bring you the keys you left in your trailer yesterday," I say and give her the keys she gave me when I moved in with her. "I wanted to say goodbye," I say, fighting the tears.

"Why?" she says worriedly. "I'm going back to Ireland. My flight is tomorrow. I will be back for the emmys, but that's it..." I say and tears roll down her face. "Danny could you leave us alone for a minute?" she asks and he kisses the side of her head before leaving.

"Why?" I ask and finally allow my tears to flow. She tries to touch me but I back away. "Fenella it's not what it looks like," she says and I laugh. "It's over. I left yesterday and here you are one day later, kissing him." I say and she begins to sob.

"Kissing him was a mistake Fenella. I was so shattered that you left I didn't know what I was doing!" she says and I just shake my head. "Here are your keys... Have a nice life," I say and walk out of the house, ignoring her.

How could she do that to me? I just started trusting her again... I never thought she'd do something like that...

I don't even know where I'm supposed to go. I'm definitely not going back to self harming but I have no where to stay. In my desperation I start my way to Sarah and now that I can stay there.

...

Jessica has tried calling me several times but I haven't answered any call. I'm just not ready to talk about it and I don't know if I'll ever be.

I walk through the house and try to clean it after neglecting us for so long. I did not go back to my home. I know that Jessica would eventually show up.

No, this time I went back to my roots. I went back home, apologized to my parents and they allowed me to stay with them until I have found an apartment.

I thought this day would never come but I didn't see another option. I feel so humiliated by my parents and needed to promise to find myself a handsome husband. 

I want my life to go back to normal and what is more normal than being married to a husband? I've been hurt by love one too many times and I'll never make that mistake again.

So if I marry somebody that I don't love then it can be a man to at least please my parents. They were more than just over the moon happy about my decision to end this crisis and already set me up for a date.

He looks handsome and I've known him since I was a child. I think it'll be easy to fall back into old habits.

I have told my parents about the whole Emmy story and they have accepted the date as a business event.

I finish cleaning my small apartment on the top floor and look at my phone exhausted.

7 missed calls from Jessica.

I feel bad but should I? I mean it's not like I went and kissed another man. She is the one who ruined what we had and I don't think I can ever trust her again.

Yeah, just keeping telling yourself that and maybe you'll get over her some day...

I mean maybe but only maybe I could fall in love with him but I highly doubt it. For gods sake I still love this woman even though she has hurt me so damn much.

I'll probably never get fully over her but I'll try my best.