July 25th, 2005

400 miles west of Buffalo, New York

37th day of tour

The smell of rain fills the air again.

Gerard is here by my side, his head on my shoulder, his eyes shut peacefully as the droplets shower his head and he breaths softly.

I brush his hair from his eyes and kiss his forehead softly...

I've grown to love him. This shouldn't be happening. We only have 19 days of tour left and I don't know if I can leave him. It'll hurt. It'll hurt horribly. I'm afraid of what will happen. I'm afraid that he'll move on just fine. I'm afraid that we'll never talk again that after this is all over, there will be no next time.

"Hey there Delilah

What's it like in New York City?

I'm a thousand miles away

But girl, tonight you look so pretty

Yes you do

Times Square can't shine as bright as you

I swear it's true..." they're playing by their bus, not too far away from us but it still breaks my heart and I can feel tears begin to accumulate.

"Hey there Delilah

Don't you worry about the distance

I'm right here if you get lonely

Give this song another listen

Close your eyes

Listen to my voice it's my disguise

I'm by your side

"Oh, it's what you do to me." I squeeze Gerard's hand and feel a tear begin to fall from my eyelash to my lap to join in the soft rain. I'm afraid. I really am afraid of what's going to happen. Will he understand if I told him? Or would he just leave me? Will he miss me like I miss him? As more than just friends? Or as just friends? Best friends?

I can't lose him. He makes me happy. Before this tour I had been going through so much stress but with him, it all just kind of mutes.

"Hey there Delilah

I know times are getting hard

But just believe me, girl

Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar

We'll have it good

We'll have the life we knew we would

My word is good.

"Hey there Delilah

I've got so much left to say

If every simple song I wrote to you

Would take your breath away

I'd write it all

Even more in love with me you'd fall

We'd have it all

"Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, it's what you do to me

"A thousand miles seems pretty far

But they've got planes and trains and cars

I'd walk to you if I had no other way

Our friends would all make fun of us and we'll just laugh along because we know

That none of them have felt this way

Delilah, I can promise you

That by the time that we get through

The world will never ever be the same

And you're to blame

"Hey there, Delilah

You be good and don't you miss me

Two more years and you'll be done with school

And I'll be making history like I do

You know it's all because of you

We can do whatever we want to

Hey there, Delilah, here's to you

This one's for you

"Oh it's what you do to me

Oh it's what you do to me

Oh it's what you do to me

Oh it's what you do to me

What you do to me."

I swallow as the tears continue to stream down my cheeks and my gaze returns to the resting boy by my side. Peaceful. Beautiful.

I love him. I shouldn't but I do and it hurts and I would give anything just to know he feels the same about me.

Anything.