#WIAE Chapter 23

I didn't even bother to pep talk myself when I braved Avo's room. I just barged in there, not knowing what could happen next. I knew myself. If I overthink this, I'd just end up making excuses for myself. And I was done making excuses. Everything around me just kept on pointing at Avo. That it was him who was the real center of the game, and not me.

Agad siyang napalingon sa akin nung marinig niya ang pagbukas ng pinto.

"What—"

Hindi niya naituloy ang sasabihin. I cut him off. I needed to tell him this before I change my mind. Kailangan kong maisagawa ang plano ko bago na naman ako panghinaan ng loob... Because as much as I hated Avo for lying to me over and over again, I still couldn't change the fact that he knew things I wanted to know. And for that reason alone, I needed him.

I looked at him and willed myself to cry.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I'm sorry I broke up with you."

As tears began to cascade down my face, I knew that I got him. Even after lying to me, when he said that he genuinely cared for me, maybe he was telling the truth. Kitang-kita ko na apektado siya sa pag-iyak ko. Kahit hindi ko man mabasa si Avo, ngayon ay alam ko ang nararamdaman niya... And I shall use that to my advantage.

"I'm sorry, Avo..."

I kept on sobbing and crying. Avo stood in front of me. I could see the walls breaking.

"I was just really hurt... and I did that to protect myself. Kasi paano kung si Ella talaga ang gusto mo? Paano ako?" I explained in between sobs. Halos hindi na ako maka-hinga dahil sa pag-iyak na ginagawa ko. Hindi ako tumigil sa pag-iyak. I didn't care if I couldn't breathe. I needed to break that wall that I built when I broke up with him. I needed to climb that wall, if I couldn't break it. That's the only way around this.

Nilapitan ko si Avo. I caressed his face.

"I'm sorry..." I whispered.

He was just staring at me. I cried harder. I needed his forgiveness. I needed him to let me inside his life again.

"Stop crying," he said after a long time. Tinignan ko siya habang panay pa rin ang tulo ng luha ko. I didn't know that I could cry this hard... And I didn't know that I could use this card against him.

"Are we... okay?"

Slowly, he nodded.

"Talaga?"

He sighed.

"Yes," he replied. "So, please stop crying." Pinunasan ko iyong luha ko pero patuloy pa rin siya sa pagtulo. Avo sighed. "Please... I don't like to see you cry."

Medyo natawa ako sa sinabi niya.

"It's not like I can will myself to stop crying. Sandali lang, mauubos din 'to," I said.

Tumayo si Avo at lumapit sa mini-ref niya. He got a bottled water and gave it to me.

"Thank you," I said and smiled. I tried to open the bottle, but for some unexplainable reasons, I couldn't. Baka isipin niya na masyado na akong umaarte para mapansin niya ako. Sinubukan ko talaga na buksan iyong tubig pero ayaw magpabukas! What the heck was with that bottle?! Bakit ayaw magpa-bukas?! "Thanks," I replied when he got the cursed bottle from my hands and opened it in one try.

"How do you survive in this world if you can't even open a damned bottle?" he said, shaking his head.

I smiled.

"That's why you're there for me... right?"

I was trying my luck. I was pushing my luck.

"Right," Avo said in resignation. I still could feel a bit of uncertainty from him but I could work on it. I would work on it. That's the only way around. 

--

The days after, I had been trying my best to get closer to Avo. It was hard. It was hard to get near him when his guards were always up. Hindi kagaya ng dati... But I didn't have any time for regrets. Kailangan kong mas galingan ang ginagawa ko. Baka hindi na sapat na nagpapaawa ako sa kanya. I didn't know how to do this anymore. Kapag sinusubukan ko na lapitan si Avo, lagi siyang nakakagawa ng paraan para lumayo. I was lucky if I get five minutes alone with him.

And I couldn't get inside his room. Palaging naka-lock. Hindi ko talaga mabuksan, lalo na at ginawa yatang life mission ni Ella na tignan lahat ng ginagawa ko... The only way I could get in was if Avo would let me. And by the way things were going, I'd say that I wouldn't see myself inside his room anytime soon.

Napabuntong-hininga na lang ako sa sobrang frustration.

"This is your fault, you know?" I whispered to the air. I was in Oli's old room. I tried to look for anything useful pero wala akong makita. But still, I enjoyed staying here. Baka kahit papaano, mas makilala ko siya. Hindi kasi kami masyadong nakakapag-usap. He was sent here to study, while I was sent to Japan to be isolated. I could count the times we talked using my fingers.

"If you didn't die, wala sana ako rito... Hindi sana nangyayari 'to..." I sighed. "I don't think I'm strong enough for this, Oli. And I am scared for myself... I could feel myself changing. And it's scaring me..."

I bent my knees and hugged them.

"I just wish you're here to help me..."

Sinubukan ko ulit na tignan ang mga gamit ni Oli pero wala pa rin talaga akong makita. Even pictures, wala... It's like they wiped every memories of Oli in this room. Anything that I could use to unearth what happened in the past. Kahit isang litrato lang para malaman ko kung sino ang kasama nila ni Avo sa picture, wala akong makita... And it only fueled my desire to get inside Avo's room. I had this nagging feeling inside me na nandoon lahat ng kailangan ko.

And I also wanted to know Oli's relations to everyone. Sino ba ang mga kaibigan niya? Sino ang mga kaaway niya? Bakit sinabi ng mga magulang ko sa akin na bayad na ang pagkamatay ni Oli? Who paid for his death?

I had all these questions inside me. I badly needed an answer... I closed my eyes pero bigla akong nagulat nung may magsalita. Biglang tumibok ang puso ko.

"What the fúck!" malakas na sabi ko nung makita ko si Night na parang kakagising lang. Seriously, he kept on emerging from nowhere! He's so freaking creepy! "Have you been spying on me?!"

He yawned and even stretched! Gulu-gulo pa ang buhok niya at mukhang nag-enjoy talaga siya sa pagtulog niya!

"I was here first," sabi niya. "Do you have food?"

Kunot pa rin ang noo ko.

"Wala," I quickly replied. "Why are you even here?"

Ginulo niya ang buhok niya—maybe an attempt to tame his bed hair, pero mas lalo lang gumulo.

"Trying to sleep."

"May kwarto ka naman."

"Yeah, but Laurie's there. And I don't have the energy to sleep with her."

Tinignan ko siya nang masama.

"You're a pig. Laurie deserves better. Hindi ko alam kung bakit nagta-tyaga siya sa 'yo," I honestly told him. Bakit ba nagtatyaga si Laurie sa kanya? She could definitely get someone better than Night and his creepiness. Was it because he's a Dieux? But Laurie's not like that! Sa panahon na nakilala ko siya, alam ko na wala naman siyang pakielam sa rank...

Night's smug smile made an appearance again.

"Nasa performance 'yan," he replied, wiggling his eyebrows. "Anyway, I'm really hungry. Wanna grab a bite with me?"

Agad akong umiling. No way I'd eat with this animal.

"And we can talk about how you can get close to Avo again," he said with a meaningful smile. "And besides, I'm your only friend here in this house."

"I have Lorenzo."

"Don't kid yourself. Lorenzo's got his own world. He couldn't care less about you and you know it."

"I hate you."

He laugh and the put his hands inside his pocket.

"It's alright. It's not like I love you," he replied and then started walking.

Lumabas kaming dalawa at nagsimulang maghanap ng kakainan. Dahil napipilitan lang naman ako na samahan siya, pumayag siya na ako na ang mamili ng kakainan namin. I learned that Night abhorred Thai food so that's where we went. I didn't even enjoy Thai food myself, but anything to torture Night. Para sa pang-iinis niya sa akin at sa paglalaro niya kay Laurie.

"I should've just asked Laurie," he said as he scanned the menu.

"Quit toying with Laurie. She doesn't deserve this."

"She knows what she's getting in when we first did it. She's not a child, for god's sake. Don't be too overprotective of her feelings."

I glared at him.

"Wala ka ba talagang puso?"

"I have... but I don't really use it," he said and then sadly smiled at me. "I don't think I'd be able to sleep at night if I let my heart take over my life."

Hindi ako nakasagot dahil naiintindihan ko siya... kahit ayoko, naiintindihan ko si Night.

"And I'm not a hypocrite like you are," he said. I held my breath. "I do my own crimes, Estrella. I kill with my own hands."

I gritted my teeth.

"I am not a hypocrite."

He smiled.

"You sure are. You don't like to kill, but you order people to kill for you. If that isn't hypocrisy, then what do you call it?"

I hated that fucking smile.

"I'm not judging you. We got to do what we have to do," he said. And then the playfulness in his aura was gone. He looked at me straight in the eye. "You want to get back into Avo's life? Sleep with him."

Nanlaki iyong mata ko.

"What?!"

"He likes you. He may lie about a lot of things, but believe him when he tells you that he likes you. Exploit that feeling."

"You're a pig!"

Dumating na bigla iyong pagkain namin. Muntik ko nang ibato sa kanya iyong plato. How dare he suggest that! Ano ba ang tingin niya sa akin?! And how would I even sleep with Avo?! I couldn't even let anyone touch me without making me want to kill myself!

"You can't play the damsel in distress card again, Estrella. And your tears can only get you as far. So if you really want to make it work, I'm just laying down the suggestions."

Tinignan ko ulit siya nang masama. If only looks could kill, he'd be dead by now!

"You're a pig," I said it again.

"Time is ticking, Estrella. Your birthday's near."

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Paano niyang nalaman iyon?

"How—"

But even before I could voice my question, he answered it for me.

"I told you. You're the center of this game... so play it good and play it smart."