Fifteen

When I was fifteen I watched my best friend slowly fall apart.
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In the beginning it wasn't obvious how unhappy she was. She put up with Riley's clinginess like she was auditioning for a movie role. The facade was almost perfect but I knew better than everyone else. I'd grown up with Raven. I knew her like the back of my hand and when her smiles stopped reaching her eyes I knew something was wrong.

In the past she never had a problem laughing genuinely and earnestly. Lorenzo could say some strange fact he'd learned during his recent hyper fixation, and it'd send her into a laughing fit. Now, she barely cracked a smile, and it was like anything anyone said was somehow uninteresting. Only when Riley cracked a joke did she laugh halfheartedly. While it hurt, I tried not to read into it too much. Not until she started to retreat from me entirely. At first, we'd spend the weekends together screwing around at the park or walking around town to kill time. Now, she stayed inside as much as possible or was drug out to parties at night with Riley.

It was a lifestyle that was draining her, I was sure of it. She showed up to school bleary eyed and exhausted half the time looking unkempt and miserable. It broke my heart but there was little I could do about it. At lunch she'd sit quietly, eyes staring off into the distance completely unmoving as Riley made a point of showering her in affection. It was very rarely returned unless he specifically asked for it. Raven was suffering in silence, and I was the only one who could see it. For a while I remained silent on the matter. Nothing I said would change the way things were unfolding, but nearly a month into their relationship everything changed. Raven showed up to school with a bruise on her arm that hadn't been there the day prior. She told everyone she'd just run into a cabinet at home, but I knew better.

I'd been awake when it happened sitting out front in the yard with Riley and Mae as they messed around in a friendly game of soccer. Raven had gotten home late with Riley and as he dropped her off at the door, he leaned in for a kiss which she refused. Rather than respecting the decision, he grabbed her roughly by the arm, tugged her forward, and forced her into the kiss. It'd made my stomach coil at the sight. As soon as Riley left, Raven's gaze settled on where I stood. Her expression was unreadable, but it sent a chill through me anyways. It was almost like she wanted me to say something only I couldn't. Breaking eye contact I focused back on the game at hand and did my best to forget about what'd happened.

I wish I could say that was the last time I found evidence of Riley on her skin, but it wasn't. There were far too many times she showed up at school with unexplained injuries that I couldn't seem to shake off. It bothered me to no end, but I could never get her alone in order to ask. Riley was always there like a parasite sucking the life out of her equally as miserable and equally as bruised. It wasn't until I noticed a series of cuts along her ankles that the gravity of the situation settled in. She tried to hide the cuts with taller socks and longer pants, but I knew better. There were thin lines of blood that made their way through the cotton material.

As far as I knew she didn't know how much I'd noticed, not until I caught her outside as she waited on the curb for Riley to take her out again. Heart racing, I moved to sit beside her. I didn't say anything for a long time not knowing where to start until the words finally forced their way out. "You don't have to do that you know. The cutting."

"I don't expect you to understand," she replied, a frown contorting her features. Her cold blue eyes seemed impossibly icy now. There wasn't any warmth behind them like there used to be. And yet her words didn't hold any venom. Instead they were flat and empty. Like she'd spent so much time arguing she couldn't bring herself to care about anything she said.

"He's not good for you Raven," I insisted, unable to stop myself from continuing, "maybe you can't see it but I can. You can find someone better."

"Like you?" She asked, voice harsh and even. Her eyes glared at me from behind a curtain of dark hair, her irises reflecting my own surprise.

"No," I whispered, feeling like I was talking to a complete stranger. Never in my life had she been so dismissive and cold. It was unnerving and frankly disheartening. Catching my breath and recovering from my surprise I stood. For a moment I regarded her. The way she sat curled on on herself. Incredibly small and fragile looking. She was a shell of her former self. "I care about you Raven. I do. But I can't keep letting you treat me like this. All I want to do is help. ."

"I don't need help. Sorry to disappoint," she retaliated, refusing to look at me. Nodding silently, I turned on my heel and left. There was nothing I could do for her. Not tonight anyways. It was clear she didn't want to hear what I had to say.

Sitting by my window I waited for her to come home. Whenever she left I worried something would happen, something I could have saved her from. Only, that night she didn't come back. In fact, I didn't see her again for several days. When I did, she looked horrible. Dark circles clung to the undersides of her eyes, she was gaunt, thin, and sickly looking. The cuts on her ankles weren't even remotely hidden now, and it seemed like she was hanging onto whatever she possibly could.

It took everything in me not to try and be some sort of savior. If she wanted my help she'd ask for it, but that didn't stop her father from asking for it. Nearly two months into Raven's relationship with Riley, Mr. Moreau approached me. He looked tired and worn with unshaven stubble decorating his cheeks. He looked like a father who'd been to war and come back only to be deployed again.

"Hey kid. Mind if we talk?" He asked, sitting beside me on the porch.

"I was wondering when you'd ask," I admitted, somewhat dreading the conversation. He was going to ask me questions I didn't have the answers to.

"So you noticed too," he sighed, bowing his head.

"It's kind of hard to miss," I shrugged, eyes settling on the road where cars moved lazily past with dim headlights arching across the lanes.

"Do you...do you know why she's doing it?" He asked, his voice hitching halfway through the sentence. His fingertips trembled as he folded his hands together in his lap. I got the impression that he was grasping at straws. That somehow, in all of this I was some sort of last resort.

"You want the truth?" I asked, trying to choose my next words carefully.

"Please," he begged, his eyes holding a silent plea in them only a desperate parent could muster up.

"I don't know." The moment those three words left my mouth he deflated entirely. No matter how much I tried to justify Raven's actions in my own mind, I couldn't figure it out.

"I just want to help her," he insisted, burying his face in his hands, "but I don't know how. I miss her. I miss my kid."

"I miss her too." The admission was a painful but unavoidable one. The Raven I had loved for so long was dying, but part of me hoped someday soon I'd see her alive and well again. That I'd no longer be facing a stranger.

"Look, I know it's a lot to ask, and you don't have to, but if you could talk to her...please," he pleaded, those same blue eyes earnest and begging. Part of me wanted to tell him that I'd tried and that she hadn't listened, but I knew deep down that would be a lie. I could have tried harder. I could have poured my heart out but I didn't. Maybe it's because I was tired of wasting energy on someone who didn't want to change.

"You won't hate me if it doesn't work will you?" I asked, following yet another car on its lazy drive. Part of me envied those able to go about their days without the baggage of a friend driving themselves down a path of darkness.

"No," he assured, shaking his head. "I could never hate you. You're the best thing she's got in her life. I'll always be thankful for that. For you."

Biting back tears, he sat beside me for a while observing the night and all it had to offer until sleep inevitably called me away. When I woke, it was to the sound of heavy rain drumming along the rooftop. Nothing like a thunderstorm to start your Sunday off.

Dressing for the rain, I ate quietly at breakfast aware that my parents were trying to make conversation with me, but my focus was elsewhere. Tommy on the other hand seemed to understand my silence and offered me a reassuring smile. It was enough to calm my nerves until I'd finished my pancakes. Adjusting the hood of my raincoat I made my way towards the Moreau household where I drummed my knuckles on the doorframe. As expected, Mr. Moreau opened it.

"I'm ready," I promised, only to be met by a sad expression.

"She's not home yet. You can wait here until noon if you'd like," he smiled thinly, stepping aside and letting me in. Shaking off my raincoat, I made myself as comfortable as I possibly could and distracted myself with senseless cartoons until the hours wore away. At some point a silent agreement passed between us. Raven wasn't coming home. Not tonight.

"I'll give her a call," I assured, making my way back towards the door.

"Thanks," Mr. Moreau nodded, offering up a broken hearted smile. Stifling a sigh, I stepped back outside into the rain and made my way home. As I ventured up the stairs to my room I left Raven a message.

"Hey, it's Thea. Your Dad is worried about you. He was expecting you to be home sooner and wanted me to give you a call. If you need me to help you out, I will. No questions asked. Just...don't leave him hanging. He's scared." Swallowing tightly, I ended the call as I crested the top step.

"Raven?" Tommy asked, standing in his doorway with a toothbrush tucked into his cheek.

"Yeah," I nodded. My brother's expression softened, his beautiful blue eyes gentle and warm. Her reminded me of father when he was about to cry. It was then that I realized, while I was hurting over Raven's pain, Tommy was too just in a different way. He was like a big brother to her. I could only imagine what it was like for him to be looking from the outside in.

Knowing Raven was taken out to parties full of kids years older than her by a self important football player that couldn't realize he was being manipulated by his peers. In truth, no one liked Riley because he was cool. They liked him because he was a vulnerable freshman boy willing to do anything to get people to like him. Even if it meant showing up to parties that he shouldn't have been apart of and dragging Raven along so that when no one was interested in him anymore, he could turn to her.

"She'll come around," Tommy promised, half heartedly. Despite myself, I couldn't believe him. That was the first time I'd ever doubted my brother to the point where I wanted to call him a liar for promising such a thing.

In the past I would have been equally optimistic but I knew better now. I knew enough to know I wasn't getting a call back that night. In fact, it wasn't until two months before my sixteenth birthday that I got any phone call from her. Up until that moment in time, we'd only interacted in passing. Then, one night as I slept my phone rang.

At first I ignored it, until my gut twisted. Call it intuition if you will, but I always knew that at the end of the day there'd come a time when Raven needed me. Tonight was that night. When I answered the call I knew something was wrong by the sound of her voice. It was broken, raspier than normal, and within it was a sullen kind of pain I'd never heard before.

"Hey, Sunshine," she mumbled. "Didn't think you'd actually answer."

"Are you okay?" I asked, hearing the half hearted smile in her voice. There was an extended pause at my question. I guess it was a dumb thing to ask given the circumstances of the phone call. No one without some sort of misery was making a call at 12:00 pm.

"Honestly? I could be better," Raven admitted, sniffling on the other end of the line. "Do you mind meeting me at the park?"

"Do you need a ride? I can wake Tommy up-"I started.

"No!" Raven insisted, cutting me off. "Let him sleep. I just need company. That's all. I left one of Riley's parties early."

"Okay, I'll be there. Just give me a bit of time," I promised, ending the call before letting out an extensive sigh. Closing my eyes and pinching the bridge of my nose, I worried about what I'd find once I got to the park. Swallowing tightly, I clambered out of bed, dressed, slunk out the front door, and set off down towards the park.

We'd had a lot of good memories there. From playing baseball with Tommy, to wrestling in the grass and building sand castles together. I got the impression Raven had gone to the park for a reason. She was searching for something familiar. Something safe.

With my hands tucked into my pockets, I walked with a purpose until the shadowy forms of playground equipment came into view. In the pitch black all that illuminated the gaping field of sand was a set of street lights. Under their ethereal glow, I saw Raven sitting in the opening to the monkey bars. She looked like a ghost in the faint light, her pale skin nearly transparent.

Bracing myself for what I'd find, I made my way across the sand, up a set of small metal stairs, and sat beside her without saying a word. For a moment she didn't notice me, and it wasn't until I looked at her that I realized how far gone she was. Her head leaned against the railing, her eyes staring into the distance as if searching for something worth caring for. Her eyes were red from crying and her hands picked incessantly at the scabbed lines on her arm causing fresh blood to take shape.

"Hey Sunshine," Raven sighed, sitting up a little straighter to look at me.

"I wish you'd called me under better circumstances," I admitted, bowing my head as I examined some faint semblance of a sandcastle down below.

"Me too," Raven admitted, turning her face up to the moon. Like the night we first kissed I was smitten by the reflection in her eyes. How easily they absorbed the environment around her had always impressed me only this time there was no warmth in her gaze.

"Why'd you leave? Isn't Riley old enough to drive you home?" I asked, trying not to sound too judgmental.

"It's illegal for him to drive at this time of night let alone with a passenger. Besides, I left the party for a reason," Raven frowned, her eyebrows creasing together as she swung her legs back and forth. "But, to answer your first question I guess you could say that despite his best efforts I'm not a party person."

"Too loud?" I questioned, nudging her playfully.

"Something like that," Raven nodded, her features softening as she looked at me. She swallowed tightly as if she wanted to say more.

"He's not here, Raven," I reminded, resisting the urge to take her hand in mine. "You don't have to hide anymore."

"I wish that were true," she whispered, shifting uncomfortably where she sat. As the moonlight caught her skin again I took note of the bruises running along her neck and collar bone. They were small in size, circular, and hard to ignore.

"What happened to the girl that beat the crap out of him for being a bully?" I asked, feeling my chest tighten in frustration. For once, I just wanted a straight answer from her.

"She grew up and learned that violence doesn't get you anywhere. I was wrong to hurt him the way I did," Raven insisted, a strange sort of conviction in her voice. She used to gloat about winning that playground brawl. Now, she was ashamed of it. "Hurt people, hurt people. I know what you think of him. I don't blame you, but there's a reason he is the way he is."

"No amount of sob story on his end can justify the way he treats you, Raven. Deep down you know that too. He's just manipulating you," I insisted, my hands curling into fists.

"Look, if you came here just to chastise me, I would have gone home and had my dad do that," Raven laughed, her gaze settling on my hands. For a moment a look of fear flashed across her face and suddenly she wouldn't look at me anymore.

"You're right. I'm sorry." Sighing, I let myself relax against her side. "It's just been hard. I miss you."

"I never asked you to leave me alone forever," Raven remarked, picking at another scab. She didn't even wince as it peeled away and let out a rivulet of blood.

"You're not exactly making it easy for me to want to be around you. I don't do things I'm not supposed to. I don't drink, I don't have sex, I don't miss class, I don't stay awake at ungodly hours of the morning, and I don't go to parties with people I don't like. That's not who I am." Silence settled between us for an extended period of time. For a moment I worried Raven had shut down completely until I saw the slight tremble to her lower lip as she fought off the urge to cry.

"But you think that's who I am don't you?" She asked, her voice impossibly small.

"No, I don't think that's who you are. I think that's the person you're pretending to be. Why?" The more I talked the more she shrunk away from me and no matter how much it hurt, I couldn't blame her for it. I was forcing her to face her own actions even if it was painful.

"I can't tell you that," she muttered, the first real admission she'd given me in months.

"Can't or won't?" I pressed.

"Does it really matter?" Raven laughed bitterly, looking at me like she expected me to run away. With a deep sigh she bowed her head and pressed her lips into a thin line. "Look, I know my dad talked to you. That's partly why you're here. I get it, but he's already tried to talk me out of my relationship with Riley. So has my mom. So have you, but none of you know what you're asking me to do."

"We just want what's best for you even if it's hard," I insisted.

"Maybe, but none of you understand that I'm doing what's best for someone else. Right now, what's best for me doesn't matter," Raven insisted. With an agitated sigh, she dropped down into the sand. I couldn't tell if she wanted me to follow or not, but I decided to anyways.

"You don't have to fix him. Riley isn't your responsibility. He has to mend the relationship with his father on his own. He doesn't need you to do that for him." My words fell on deaf ears as she kept walking. Retreating into the darkness where only a persistent light would find her.

"I'm not trying to fix him," she remarked kicking at a rock wedged in the cracks of concrete.

"Then what are you trying to fix?" I pressured. Now that her shell had broken I was sensing some sort of conclusion. Maybe an answer for once.

"Thea, can we please stop with the questions?" Raven begged, stopping in the midst of our walk back home. She turned to face me with a look of sheer desperation. "I can't...I don't want to do this right now. I'm sorry."

"Just, be honest with me and I promise I won't ask anything else," I assured. "Do you really love him?"

The question caught her off guard. That much was obvious as she struggled to answer. Her lips parted but no sound came out as panic settled in her eyes. With an exasperated huff, she bowed her head, her eyes searing holes into the concrete. "Yes."

I didn't believe her.

Pressing my lips into a thin line, I started up our walk again. She hesitated like she wanted me to reply before falling in step with me. For a while, neither of us said anything as we made our way back home. All that filled the silence was the sound of our footsteps along the concrete and the uneven pattern of our breathing.

On occasion, I saw Raven peek at me from the corner of her eyes. Deep down I think she knew I didn't believe her. Maybe that's why her hand found it's way into my own. Part of me wanted to pull away, the other part of me nearly wept at the gesture. It was a simple sign of affection. A truce amidst our troubled relationship but I couldn't have been more grateful. All I wanted was some sort of peace between us.

Running my thumb over Raven's knuckles in a methodical pattern I watched as her shoulders relaxed. Maybe things weren't the same as they used to be, but at least she didn't hate me enough to abandon me completely. Whether we liked it or not, we had a history together.

As we approached the front door of Raven's house, I noticed the porch light was turned on and a glow emanated out the front window. Her parents were awake. Likely waiting for her to return home. Coming to similar conclusion as I had, Raven hesitated. Her grip on my hand tightened. A silent question hung between us. She wanted me to go inside with her. If anything it'd lessen the blow of disappointment from he'd parents if she'd been out with me instead of Riley.

"I'll talk to them," I promised, sparing her an earnest glance. Nodding, Raven let go of my hand to fish the house key out from beneath a potted plant that stood guard on the porch. With trembling hands, she unlocked the door and stepped inside. Almost immediately, Mr. and Mrs. Moreau rounded the corner from the kitchen.  On their lips were a series of questions that never graced the air as Raven anxiously drug me upstairs.

As we took to the steps I shot her parents an apologetic look that held a promise of future explanation. Cresting the top of the stairs, I ventured into Raven's room only to find it entirely different than I remembered. As the door eased shut behind us, I was forced to face the emptiness of her room. The comic books she had were shoved in boxes under her bed, the lightsabers we once played with had vanished, and the skateboards she used to love were absent. Every decoration that I'd come to adore was gone.

"What happened?" I asked, scanning the open space with a sense of despair. I'd come to love her room like it was my own. There was no familiarity here. Nothing I recognized or cherished.

"My interests changed," Raven insisted, lingering by the bathroom door. Clearing her throat she tried to restore some semblance of normalcy. "Uhm, make yourself comfortable I guess. I'll be done in a minute or two."

With that, she vanished into the bathroom and the sound of running water filled the quiet. Sighing, I decided to look around a little more, desperate to find something that connected Raven back to our shared childhood. After a handful of minutes with nothing new coming to my attention, I noticed that her barren desk harbored a secret. Sitting on top of some neatly stacked notebooks was a neon colored bracelet. One I knew well. It was the wristband we were forced to wear when roller skating.

Mine was stashed away somewhere in my closet with the forgotten frog plushie. I hadn't paid either item much attention since Raven and I had grown apart. All they did was bring up painful memories. Only, unlike mine, this bracelet was well worn. On it was a hastily written date and a set of initials. The black marker had held up over time but the letter T was smudged and nearly none existent now as if someone had repeatedly run their thumb over it. 

As the sound of running water died in the background, I left the wrist band alone and returned to the center of the room where I hesitantly sat on the edge of Raven's bed. The bathroom door eased open letting out a cloud of steam that wafted into the room. As it cleared, Raven crept out dressed in an oversized t shirt stolen from her dad. If I remembered correctly he'd worn it on New Year's Eve when we were nine.

"Thought you would've fallen asleep by now. You know, since it's past your bedtime," Raven remarked, a half hearted attempt at a joke.

"I'm too awake to go back to sleep," I countered, noticing how red her skin was. Either she'd run the water incredibly hot or tried to scrub her skin off. All that meant was that the cuts on her arms were red, raw, and bleeding. "You're lucky I still have these."

Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out a few bandaids all of which depicted different variations of Snoopy the dog. Raven's eyebrows arched in surprise before lowering into a look of confusion and pain.

"You still keep those in your pockets?" She asked, towel drying her hair.

"I never stopped. It got to be a habit. Besides, Lorenzo gets paper cuts a lot," I reasoned. Trying not to seem too invested in her reaction to this information, I averted my face only to catch sight of a set of bruises running along Raven's thighs. To anyone else they would have been unassuming, but the imprints matched up with a set of invisible fingerprints belonging to hands that were too big to be her own. In a lapse of self control I spoke before thinking. "Did Riley..."

"No," Raven replied, having noticed my observations. "I told you, I left early."

Which was true, she had, but I nearly reminded her that she'd insisted she left the party because she didn't like them. Not because Riley had gotten too handsy. Not because Riley expected her to do things she didn't feel like doing. Not because Riley always got what he wanted. I had the sneaking suspicion he wouldn't be particularly kind to her the next time they met. I also suspected that Raven took so long in the shower just to be rid of the remnants of Riley's presence.

Sighing, I stood with the bandaids still in hand and approached her. She seemed frightened as I drew near until I held out my hands to her. I got the impression she didn't have much of a choice when it came to being touched. Riley wasn't the type of person to ask.

"I promise, I will never touch you with the intent of doing harm," I insisted, meeting her blue eyed gaze. Nodding, she held out her arms to me and I set to work on covering the cuts as best as I could. I didn't have enough bandaids for all of them so I prioritized the more serious looking injuries.

Smoothing the bandages down as gently as possible, I made sure I never lingered in a particular area too long. I never offered a word of judgment or anger. And I never let my own disappointment show. Raven didn't need that.

"No more of this tonight, okay? Promise?" I asked, placing the last bandaid. Part of me worried what would happen if I left her alone again, but that wasn't my responsibility. I could be there for her when she needed me. Be there for her when she asked. But Raven had choices to make. Ones that I couldn't influence. Not when I had to look after myself too. I'd heard enough from my dad as both a counselor and father to know that my current standing with Raven wasn't a healthy one. She needed a lot more from me than I could give.

"I promise," Raven assured, pulling her arms away to inspect my work. Satisfied, she shifted awkwardly from foot to foot unsure of what to do next. Getting the impression that she wanted me to leave but was to afraid to ask, I back away to the door.

As I was halfway out of her room, I paused and turned around. Maybe it was uncalled for given the shift in our relationship, but I felt an overbearing need to say it. "I love you."

My words caught her off guard yet again. She looked at me through saddened eyes, standing with slumped shoulders and an arm held by a shaking hand. She turned her head to the side, blue eyes welling with tears. "I wish you didn't."

"I know." With a faint smile, I closed the door and journeyed down the stairs to find both Mr. and Mrs. Moreau waiting for me. They stood their with expectant expressions wanting me to tell them that I'd magically 'fixed' their daughter. I told them what I could. What I thought they deserved to know, and for now that was enough.

"Your parents raised a good kid," Mr. Moreau smiled.

"So did you," I assured.

"Thank you sweetie. For everything," Mrs. Moreau sighed, pulling me into a bone crushing hug. When she pulled back, she stood in a mirrored position to the one I'd left Raven in, and once again I was reminded how similar they were.

Leaving their house that night was one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do. Every part of me wanted to march back upstairs and baby sit Raven to make sure she kept her word. That she wouldn't hurt herself anymore than she already had, but part of me knew that promises were hard to keep when you felt like you deserved the pain.

As I lay in bed that night, I fell asleep unaware of the way Raven's self-hatred made her tear apart as much of herself as she could. That part of it had to do with me, and even when I put the pieces together all I could do was imagine how much blood she'd washed down the drain and if her goal was for it to be too much to come back from.