Sixteen

Twenty-One

When I was twenty-one I found Riley in a crowded bar.

***

It was Lorenzo's 21st birthday and he was looking to celebrate it like most twenty-one-year-olds, at a bar with friends. Lorenzo had insisted that for once he wanted to do something normal. Something most adults did. Raven and I were as supportive as we could be, but we still had our doubts. Lorenzo wasn't the type of person to like busy environments, loud music, or weird beverages. Despite this, we promised him that we'd deliver on his birthday wishes. Which is how I ended up alone at a bar ten minutes from campus.

It was a common meeting place for college students and seemed like the obvious choice of venue given its proximity and cheap drinks. Inside, dim pink and blue lights reflected off glass bottles in kaleidoscope colors while soft music played in the back. The clinking of glasses broke up the sound of pool balls crashing into one another, and soft conversations created a vibrant hum. A little overwhelmed by the atmosphere, I found myself distanced from the crowds. Taking up at the far end of the bar I waited patiently for Raven and Lorenzo. Keeping to myself, I adjusted the bow to Lorenzo's birthday present. As I made the loops even a painfully familiar voice cut through the air.

"Anything I can get you?"

Pausing, I looked up to see a brown haired boy with dark circles under his eyes and a pale complexion. His eyes were clear for once, and his demeanor hesitant as we made eye contact.

"Riley?" His name tumbled out before I could stop myself. He blinked slowly, shifting nervously from foot to foot as he rubbed at the back of his neck.

"Thea," He nodded, the gesture some semblance of a greeting.

"You're a bar tender?" I asked, unsure of what to say.

"Yeah," he smiled faintly. "It's a pretty good job. It pays well too. What about you? Do you work?"

"I picked up a job at the school library with Lorenzo," I explained, swallowing tightly.

"Oh, that's cool," Riley smiled, glancing down at a group of customers. "Um, I'll be right back. I have to help these guys first."

Part of me wanted to tell him not to bother coming back, but something about Riley was different. He spoke clearer, with less of an edge to his voice. Sure, he seemed tired but it was a different type of tiredness. A lack of sleep more than a tiredness of life. His words were genuine and his expressions open. There wasn't any venom in his eyes or poison in his words. It left me confused and curious at the same time.

Sitting quietly, I watched as he seamlessly helped a group of students with their drinks. I had to give him credit, he was good at his job. He had a special flare to his shakes, and a smile that seemed all too welcoming. He made conversation with ease, and looked to be full of energy as if the night were just getting started. Waving off a series of compliments he made his way back towards me. Leaning forward he settled his elbows on the countertop.

"Hey, I know this might not be the best place to do it, but I was wondering if maybe we could talk?" he asked, head lowered. "You don't have to say yes if you don't want to. I wouldn't blame you."

In truth, I don't know what compelled me to agree to the conversation, but I did. Relief washed over Riley as his shoulders relaxed and he gave me another tentative smile. Setting a towel on his shoulder he pulled up a stool of his own and sat across from me. I watched as he sat quietly, eyebrows furrowed in thought as he chewed at his lower lip.

"I guess the first order of business is an apology," He mumbled, sitting up straight to look me in the eyes. "So, that's what I'm going to do."

"You really don't have to-" I started.

"I know, but you deserve one even if you don't accept it." Riley insisted, shifting awkwardly in his seat. "Look, I know what I did to you was really messed up. I ruined your life, and I did it because I thought it would make mine better. It didn't. And even if it did, it wasn't an excuse to hurt you the way that I did. You deserved to go to church like normal. You deserved to tell people about your feelings when you were ready. You deserved to have a happy easy going high school career. You deserved a lot and I took it from you. You're never going to get those years back or those experiences and I'm so sorry for that. You should have gone to homecoming with Raven. You should have been able to live life without fear. Instead, I made you afraid of everyone including me. I don't expect you to forgive me, you don't have to. Hell, you can hate me forever if you want, but I am sorry. Truly, I am."

As Riley spoke, his voice grew hoarse, and his eyes shone with held back tears. For once in his life, he was being unapologetically honest, and it surprised me. The Riley I knew wasn't honest, or kind, and he certainly never apologized.

"Thank you for the apology, but the person you really need to apologize to is Raven." Maybe it was callous to remind him of the person he hurt most, but in the end, I wasn't the one he ruined.

"I do, I just, I don't know how," he admitted, wiping his nose on his shirt sleeve. "How do I apologize and make up for everything that happened? Where do I even start?"

"You start with being honest just like you were with me," I assured, resting a hand on his knee. Riley nodded and took a few deep breathes before coming to terms with himself. He looked lighter, as if the apology had taken a thousand pounds off of his shoulders. "And for the record, I never hated you, Riley. I hated what you did to Raven. I don't know what was happening in your personal life, but it clearly wasn't easy."

"You have no idea," he chuckled, a bitterness in his laugh that I was familiar with. "I know it's not an excuse, but I'm glad I'm not home anymore. My dad, he taught me everything I needed to know about women. You get what you want out of them by any means necessary. No isn't much of an option back home for me or my mom. Dad gets what he wants by abuse, and I became an abuser just like him. When you and Raven left me in that parking lot, I hadn't been that low before in life. I wanted to kill myself. It felt like everything I had was falling apart. I didn't have a real Dad, just an alcoholic asshole, I didn't have friends who actually liked me, and I didn't have a girlfriend pretending to care about me anymore. I was picked up by the Sherrif that night. He saw me out and about, pulled over in the rain just to talk with me. He asked me where I wanted to go, and for some reason I told him to take me to church."

"You felt safe there, that's not surprising," I shrugged.

"The thing is, I went there looking for Pastor Bloom. He was a mentor to me. Turns out, he's not a great guy," Riley chuckled, shaking his head in disappointment. "I already had enough hate in my heart as it was, but he made it worse. The thing is, when I got to the chapel, Pastor Bloom wasn't there. I was accepted by Pastor Wilks with open arms. He gave me a warm meal, a place to stay, and he held me while I cried. He listened to me in a way Pastor Bloom didn't. He didn't judge me or condemn the people in my life with hate and vitriol. He spoke of them with compassion and understanding. Even my father, he regarded with sorrow and remorse."

"Pastor Wilks was my mentor," I muttered, feeling a soft pain fill my chest. Pastor Wilks had comforted my enemy, had held him, fed him, and clothed him. Had spoken to my enemy with warmth and love. "He died; you know."

"He did?" Riley worried, leaning forward as if the news had punched him in the gut.

"Heart attack. He was supposed to come to my graduation. He gave me this," I explained, fishing the intricate chapel key out of my pocket. "Since I wasn't allowed to attend service anymore, he gave me a key to the chapel."

"I haven't been back to church since that night," Riley sighed, biting at his lower lip. "Pastor Wilks, he gave me a new perspective. He set things right for me when I couldn't seem to do it on my own. He gave me counseling, found me a psychiatrist, got my mom and I help. She left my dad a few months later and I went with her. Life's been better since then. The therapy and medication help too, but...I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for Pastor Wilks. That much I'm certain of."

"Well, I'm glad you got the help you needed."

For once, it was good to see Riley smile. He may have been my enemy, but the last I'd seen him he'd been rooted in pain. A type of pain I would never understand, but one I wouldn't wish on any human being.

"Oh no," Riley breathed, shoulders tightening as his eyes settled on the door. For a moment I thought he was going to puke before he recollected himself. Following his gaze, I spotted Raven and Lorenzo at the entrance of the bar. Lorenzo was the first to spot me. Taking Raven by the arm, he pulled her in my direction.

"Hey Sunshine...and Riley?" Confusion clouded Raven's features as she looked between Riley and I. I could tell she was nervous just by seeing him. She frowned for a moment before letting out a heavy sigh. "You look good, Riley."

"Thanks," he nodded, waving hesitantly at Lorenzo. Lorenzo seemed lost in what was happening but waved back regardless. "Sorry to have interrupted your plans, we were just talking."

"About?" Raven asked, looking at me expectantly.

"Just smoothing things over," Riley explained. "And, if you're up for it I owe you a bit of an apology. You don't have to hear me out, I would understand, but if you'd give me five minutes, I'd be more than thankful."

Raven pursed her lips in thought for a moment before giving a brief nod of acceptance. "Five minutes, and then I get back to celebrating my friend's birthday. Deal?"

"Deal."

"And Thea gets to stay," Raven insisted.

"If that will make you more comfortable, I'm okay with that," Riley agreed, standing to offer Raven his seat. She took it with a bit of hesitation as he pulled up another stool for Lorenzo. "I'm not sure where to start with this, but I want you to know I'm sorry for the way I treated you. I never should have forced you into dating me. I never should have made you afraid to be yourself. That was stupid and wrong of me. I wish I could go back in time and fix it, but I can't so this is the best I can do."

Clearing his throat, Riley straightened out his shirt collar before continuing, "I never should have laid a hand on you. Ever. It was and is unacceptable and there isn't any excuse that makes it justifiable. You have every right to hate me, and I don't expect us to be friends or even acquaintances after this. Just know that you are an exceptionally kind hearted individual who deserved genuine happiness with someone you actually loved. I'm sorry I took that away from you, and I'm sorry that you felt the need to hurt yourself because of me. You never should have been put in that position and it's entirely my fault. I damaged you in ways that are inexcusable. From the bottom of my heart, I want you to know that I really am sorry. For everything. If I can make it up to you at all, please let me know."

"You don't have to make up for it," Raven sighed, shaking her head. "Look, you're right about not being friends. I'm not your friend, but I do appreciate the apology. More than anything I appreciate that you've grown as a person. If all you do in life is break the cycle of abuse in your family, that's enough for me. You deserve to be happy too Riley, and you deserve to forgive yourself. What's done is done. There is no changing it, but that doesn't mean you can't grow from it."

"You're right," Riley nodded, wrapping his arms around himself. "I just want you to know that I'm glad you're doing okay. I'm glad you're happy and thanks for giving me this opportunity."

"You're welcome," Raven smiled thinly, slowly getting to her feet. "Now, how about that birthday?"

As Raven and Lorenzo left to claim a pool table, Riley put away their stools and made his way back to the bar. I could tell by the way he was shaking that he was emotional. Sure, Raven was right. None of us would be friends after this. Just because he apologized didn't make things better. It certainly didn't fix the past and it definitely didn't fix the damage, but it was more than I expected from Riley. Collecting Lorenzo's birthday present, I approached the bar, Chapel key in hand.

"Hey, Riley?" I called, catching his attention. He made his way towards me slightly confused until I held up the key. "Pastor Wilks would want you to have it."

"Are you sure?" He asked, eyes wide as he regarded the key.

"I don't need it anymore," I assured. "Besides, you'll get more use out of it than I will."

"Thank you," he whispered, throat tight as he spoke.

"Don't mention it."

Leaving Riley alone at the bar, I rejoined Lorenzo and Raven. Lorenzo was doing his best to explain the intricacies of pool while Raven struggled to follow along. On occasion she interrupted Lorenzo to ask a question that seemingly exasperated him. It was amusing watching them bicker about a game they hadn't started yet, but it was exactly as things should be. For the first time in years, things seemed to be normal again, just as they were before Riley. It was strange knowing that just across the way the cause of all our strife was serving customers, but it was also comforting to know that he wasn't a threat anymore. Riley wasn't coming back to haunt us. He wasn't coming back for vengeance either. The version of Riley that had existed in the back of my mind for years was replaced with a new version. One that was kinder, a little older, a little wiser, and a little bit braver.

I didn't know it at the time, but Riley wasn't the only one who'd lost a burden that night. Raven's shoulders were lighter, her smile brighter, and her personality more vibrant. Lorenzo was more confident, less ashamed, and open to the world around him. Then there was me, someone who learned how to forgive in a crowded bar full of strangers. Someone who after all this time finally felt peace.

"Are you okay?" Lorenzo asked, drawing my attention. He and Raven both looked at me with worried expressions. "You got this weird look on your face."

"I'm okay," I promised.

"Good, because we have a birthday to celebrate," Raven reminded throwing an arm around my shoulders. Smiling to myself, I rested my head on her shoulder as Lorenzo chalked his pool stick.

"Raven?"

"Hm?"

"I'm proud of you."

"For what?" she asked, voice surprisingly soft.

"Forgiving Riley."

"I'm only forgiving because of you," Raven admitted. "And I'm only kind because of Lorenzo."

I wanted to argue that she'd always been kind and forgiving, but I couldn't. Raven had met her problems in the past with harsh and unforgiving fists. It occurred to me then, that despite our best efforts, Lorenzo, Raven, and I had changed each other for the better. In doing so, we changed someone else for the better too and just for a moment, I turned my attention back to Riley. He leaned against the bar; eyes pensive as he stared intently at the Chapel key. His lips moved ever so slightly as if he were mumbling to himself. It took me a moment to realize he was praying.

And while I never saw Riley again, I found that I was okay with that. We hadn't parted as enemies, or friends, but as strangers. I like to think that's what we were always meant to be and in a perfect world that's all we would have been. But the world isn't perfect, and neither are its people.

Not Riley.

Not Lorenzo.

Not Raven.

Not me.