Seventeen

Twenty-Two

When I was twenty-two I became an aunt.

***

I hadn't expected to hear the news the night after my final exams. I was back home snuggled up in bed with the lights out ready to sleep. Just as I was starting to doze off my phone rang, the vibrations echoing on my nightstand. At first, I ignored it until I heard my parents scrambling around downstairs. It didn't take long for my mom to race into my bedroom, swinging the door wide open and proclaiming, "She's here!"

Any amount of tiredness that had once existed vanished in a matter of seconds. All at once I was out of bed, throwing on a set of warm clothes, and rushing around like a chicken with its head cut off. As mom warmed up the car to fight off the cold, dad and I grabbed everything we could think of for Tommy and Mae. Together, we crammed into the car and soon we were racing towards the hospital. As much as I want to say we followed the law, I'm certain my mother broke a few speed limits.

Even as we made it into the parking lot, she whipped the car around like we were in a formula one race. Slamming the brakes and forcing the car into park, the three of us tumbled out of the vehicle and made a run for the doors. It didn't take long for the receptionist to point us in the right direction, and soon I was forcing my way through a throng of people. Everyone and their mother was waiting impatiently to see Tommy and Mae's baby girl. Unfortunately, this meant there was no hope of seeing my brother inside the small hospital room.

Instead of forcing my way inside, I found a comfortable spot in the hallway and took a seat. As excited as I was, my family wasn't the only one that wanted to witness such a small miracle. Of course, this meant that I needed to wait my turn. In the meantime, I shot Raven a series of texts explaining what had happened. She was just as eager to see Tommy's little baby as I was. We'd both talked about it endlessly even when we were supposed to be studying. As far as either of us were concerned, test sores weren't that important compared to a human life.

Absorbed in thought I almost missed Tommy forcing his way out into the hall until he was standing over me. He looked ragged and tired but elated at the same time. His eyes were red from crying and his nose looked like it'd been wiped one too many times. A shaky smile made its way across his face as I stood.

"I'm a dad," he whispered, arms waiting for an embrace. Hugging him tightly, I found that I couldn't keep from smiling no matter how hard I tried.

"What's her name?" I asked, taking a step back only to hug my brother again.

"Olive Amara Luxley."

Tommy spoke his daughter's name like it was the most precious thing in the world. To him, I suppose it was. Running a hand through his hair, Tommy guided me through the throng of people, politely excusing us, until we were inside the hospital room. Mom and Dad had managed to find their way inside and were talking animatedly with Mae's parents. Hugs and words of encouragement were exchanged between them as Tommy gestured to Mae who held a small bundle of cloth.

"How are you?" I asked, sitting in an empty seat beside the bed.

"Tired," Mae chuckled, dark circles framing the underside of her eyes.

"It wasn't too stressful, was it? Did Tommy handle things okay?" I worried, noticing the tear stains on her cheeks and the flush of color to her face.

"Tommy did just fine. He took good care of us," Mae insisted, smiling warmly at my brother. "But as much as I know you love me; I'm assuming you're here to see little Olive?"

"Only if you're okay with it. She's just popped out into the real world, you should get to hold her as much as you can," I insisted, not wanting to interrupt what time Mae had with Olive. There were so many people that would want to hold Olive and coddle her that I worried Mae and Tommy wouldn't get any time for themselves.

"You're her aunt, Thea. If anyone here has a right to hold her, it's you," Mae assured, carefully adjusting her hold on Olive. Making sure to move slowly to avoid waking the baby, Mae settled the small bundle of blankets in my arms where I was greeted by a healthy sleeping infant. Olive had a head of deep brown curls with surprisingly long eyelashes for a baby. Her skin was a light brown with a splash of freckles across her cheeks. Olive's face was scrunched up in sleep and her tiny little nose twitched on occasion. She had to be the prettiest baby I had ever seen.

"She looks just like you Mae," I smiled, trying not to jump in excitement. I really was an aunt. This little bundle of joy was going to change my life in ways I had yet to understand. In return I was going to do anything and everything necessary to make sure she lived a happy healthy life. "Sorry Tommy, she's definitely her mother's child."

"We'll see about that," Tommy teased, looking at Olive and I with an expression I couldn't make out. It was somewhere between joy and sadness. "I'm dragging her along to all sorts of baseball games. I'm going to get her to watch all of the classic world series with me, and then I'll teach her how to throw and catch."

"That's a little ways off, don't you think?" I laughed, the noise causing Olive to stir. For a moment I worried she'd start crying, but she simply scrunched up her face even more and went back to sleep.

"Are you kidding me? You have to start them early," Tommy teased, gently taking Olive from my arms and kissing her sleeping face. "Isn't that right? You're going to be Daddy's little girl, aren't you?"

"What am I? Chopped liver? She came out of me, not you," Mae argued, arching a brow.

"Okay, you're going to be Mama's baby girl and Daddy's little lady. How about that?" Tommy asked, smiling bashfully at Mae.

"I like that a lot better," She laughed.

As mom and dad broke off their conversation with Mae's parents, they each took turns congratulating Tommy and Mae. They then continued to fawn over Olive until she started to cry, reaching out for her mom amidst the chaos. The sound of her tiny sob made my heart ache. She sounded so helpless and scared. It was hard to imagine that once upon a time I was that small and fragile too. It's a miracle humans even survived considering how dependent we were as babies.

"Okay, Tommy, your mom and I left you a supply bag in case you need anything. We're going to let you get some of the others in here to see baby Olive. Try and take care of yourselves, okay? If you need anything at all just give us a call and we'll be here as fast as we can," Dad promised, holding Tommy tightly. From where I stood I could tell they were both crying. Dad was holding his own baby, who'd grown into a fine young man and now had a kid of his own. Tommy was holding our dad who'd once been young and naïve like Tommy. Only, our dad was now aged and as sad as it was, he was only getting older. I guess there's nothing like a baby to remind you how short life really is.

***

It was difficult leaving the hospital behind. All I wanted to do was spend the night glued to my brother's side watching him be the best father he could be. I could only imagine the roller coaster of emotions he'd gone on in a handful of hours. I was used to being his confidant in situations like this, but that's what Mae was for. That's how married life was. Finding peace at the thought of Mae, Tommy, and Olive snuggled up beside each other at the end of the night, I turned my attentions elsewhere.

As soon as we made it home, I ran up the stairs, threw open my bedroom window, hopped across the balcony, and hammered loudly on Raven's window. She was there in a matter of seconds, pulling me inside and demanding details. Sitting eagerly on the edge of her bed, she rubbed anxiously at the tattoo on her arm.

"Did everything go okay? No complications?" She worried.

"Not that I know of. Tommy and Mae have a healthy baby girl," I explained, smiling so wide my face began to hurt. "She's the prettiest little thing on the planet. She looks so much like Mae it's insane!"

"What's her name?" Raven asked, blue eyes wide and expectant.

"Olive Amara Luxley."

"That's a really good name. I was worried Tommy would name her after a baseball player or something," Raven laughed, shaking her head.

"I don't think Mae would let him get away with that." Laughing to myself, I sat beside Raven still running on the high of being an aunt. The idea alone was mesmerizing, and I couldn't help but plan and plot what crazy stuff we'd get up to.

"And to think you were worried about Tommy's kids liking you," Raven teased, nudging me in the ribs.

"To be fair, she was sleeping, so there's always the possibility," I replied, offering up a shrug.

"I don't know. I think you're going to be just fine. You strike me as the type of person who'd be good with kids. Besides, being an aunt is practice for when you're a mom," Raven encouraged, stretching her arms above her head before laying down. She settled her hands behind her head and closed her eyes.

"You're the one going to college to be a teacher. Aren't you supposed to be good with kids?" I asked, laying down beside her and resting my head on her chest. The steady thrum of her heartbeat was enough to make my eyelids heavy.

"The difference is that I get to give those kids back at the end of the day. I don't have to keep them forever," She laughed, wrapping an arm around me. "But I suppose if I were to have kids, it wouldn't be that bad. I'd just worry about them making mistakes like I did. I don't know how I'd protect them from that."

"I don't think you really can. You just have to be there for them when they do mess up, and considering your experiences, it'd be easier for you to relate to them," I assured. I knew Raven still struggled with the choices of her past, but I looked at them in a different light. As far as I was concerned, her mistakes didn't define her. In fact, I think they made her stronger. Having been through so much coming out the other side living a life she could be happy of was a miracle. That sort of tenacity would get her through anything else life threw her way and it would help her guide other people in ways someone like me couldn't.

Part of me expected Raven to protest but when I sat upright, I found that she'd fallen asleep. It might have seemed rude that she'd fall asleep during conversation, but I found it endearing. As long as she felt safe enough to doze off when I was with her, that's all that mattered. Shaking my head, I laid back down beside her and snuggled up close. It took me a little longer to fall asleep than I would have liked, but soon enough I was slipping into oblivion followed by the sound of Raven's heartbeat.

***

When Tommy, Mae, and Olive finally left the hospital behind, it was all I could do to keep Raven from hunting them down just to see the baby. She was eagerly waiting to see Olive, and every day she didn't was killing her. It wasn't until a week or two had passed that Tommy and Mae came back into town with Olive in tow. They'd barely pulled into the driveway when Raven came running from next door.

"Baby! I want to see the baby!" She exclaimed, stopping abruptly in front of Tommy who held the baby carrier. Unphased by Raven's excitement, Tommy helped Mae inside with Raven following close behind. As soon as the front door closed, Raven sat on the living room couch expectantly looking at my brother.

"You don't even care about me anymore, do you?" He asked, bending down to gently undo the buckles keeping little Olive in the carrier.

"Not a chance," Raven smiled, bouncing up and down in her seat as Tommy collected Olive in his arms. She was looking around curiously, those beautiful brown eyes searching for familiar faces. I watched as she kicked her legs, attempting to escape the confines of her swaddle. It wasn't until Tommy settled Olive in Raven's arms that she stilled. Hesitancy and curiosity took over causing Olive to freeze. She regarded Raven with an uncertain expression, nose wrinkling as if she were about to cry.

Tommy hovered nearby, prepared to swoop in and soothe his little girl the moment she made a sound of distress. But Olive never cried, instead she calmly gave a sneeze, wiggled her toes, and stretched to the best of her ability. Then, with a content yawn, closed her eyes to fall asleep. Raven regarded Olive with wide eyes. Her mouth was half open as if she wanted to speak but didn't know what to say. Swallowing tightly, she looked at me with confusion and a deep sense of melancholy.

"She's so...small," Raven worried, looking at Mae as if she could magically make Olive bigger.

"Babies tend to come in small sizes," Tommy teased, moving to sit beside Raven.

"I know but-" Raven paused, her face scrunching up in mild frustration. I got the impression she wasn't sure how to explain herself. Not to Tommy, anyways. "How are babies supposed to survive? She's so fragile."

"By all accounts, babies shouldn't survive. If you look at any other species in nature, they'd die almost immediately. They're born without any survival instincts other than to cry and breathe," Mae explained, acting as if this information wasn't absolutely horrifying.

"Right," Raven nodded, gaze settling back on Olive who remained undisturbed. If I hadn't been paying attention, I would have missed the fact that Raven's eyes had welled with tears. With a shaky laugh, she carefully passed Olive back to Tommy before standing abruptly.

"Are you okay?" Tommy asked, blue eyes earnest and concerned.

"Fine, I just need a minute," Raven admitted. Wiping her hands on her pants, she retreated to the kitchen while my parents were quick to intercept Tommy's attention. Following behind, I waited patiently for her to collect her thoughts. As Raven paced, she rubbed at the tattoo on her forearm until it turned red. "We used to be like that, you know. Small and fragile."

"It's hard to believe, isn't it?" I smiled, trying to remind myself what life used to be like for both of us. Things were easier back then. We didn't have much to worry about. If Raven was like me as a baby, she only cared about food and naps.

"When did it end though? That sort of innocence. Olive doesn't have any idea what the real world is like, Thea. Her universe is so small, so limited, and so simple. When did things change for us?" Raven frowned, eyes meeting mine with a hesitant demand. She wanted an answer.

"I don't know," I admitted. Even if I tried to pinpoint an exact moment in time when Raven and I were forced into the adult world, I don't think I could. It might have been when I moved across the country. Just as likely was when I left her behind for advanced placement. Even then it could have been when we kissed for the first time. There were several important events in our lives that made us who we were today. Not particularly jaded, but much more guarded than we used to be. "I don't think it's one thing that makes you lose that little bit of yourself. If I had to guess, innocence gets chipped away over time. Little by little until its gone and you don't even realize it."

"And we're just supposed to watch that happen to Olive?" Raven sighed, dark bangs hiding her eyes as she stared at the floor.

"Yeah," I breathed, finding it difficult to grasp the situation myself. At what point would Olive not be small and fragile? Who would make her grown? Who would break her and reshape her in ways we couldn't predict? Who got to have that kind of power over someone?

"I guess you were right. We really can't protect them, can we?" Raven noted, a strange sort of resolution setting in.

"It's part of growing up."

And that was the truth, wasn't it? Growing up consisted of a multitude of moments that altered your life without you even knowing it. Moments that got rid of the child you once were until only a shadow of them existed. It seemed cruel to think about, but it was the reality of living. Part of you has to die one way or another. It's the only way for evolution to take place.

"I think that's a stupid requirement to grow up. What if we change it?" Raven asked, a bit of hope seeping back into her voice. "What if we remember what it's like to be five or ten or twelve? What if we show her you don't have to get rid of yourself over time? That you can be grown and little at the same time?"

"It's worth a shot," I shrugged, mind grasping at this newfound ideology. "And I think I know just the place to start."

As dinner came and went, Raven and I ventured back to her place where we scrounged up a series of cardboard boxes stuffed away in the attic. Inside were things all too familiar to me. Things that I had missed for quite some time. Together, the two of us retrieved every comic book she'd ever owned, pinned up her old posters, and dusted off her collectibles. The mix of Star Wars, Skateboarding, and Superheroes was just as I remembered. A paradise for young Raven Moreau.

"Now this, is exactly as I remember it," Raven smiled, setting her hands on her hips. "What do you think, Sunshine?"

"I think it's perfect," I agreed, watching a bit of childlike wonder return to Raven's cold blue eyes. The last time I'd seen her comfortable in her own bedroom was far too long ago. Seeing her relax in its familiarity was better than anything I could have hoped for. "But you are missing something very important."

Raven frowned in thought as I made my way over to her desk, pulled out a neon-colored wrist band, and set it on her nightstand. Inscribed on it in fading ink were the letters T and R. A thin layer of dust coated its exterior but with a few swipes of the hand, it looked brand new. After all this time, fifteen-year-old Thea and Raven could exist out in the open.

What we hadn't known then was that growing up meant learning shame and humiliation. As far as I was concerned, there was nothing to be ashamed of anymore. Not now, not ever. fifteen-year-old Thea deserved to exist just as much as fifteen-year-old Raven did. Those versions of us were just as worthy of love, and it was time to make up for the hate. From now on, every version of me was worthy, was meant to be loved, and meant to be treated with kindness. No exceptions. No excuses. No omissions.