Sally Jackson

Yeah, Elena quickly fell into a 'more than friends' zone since there was nothing stopping us and she lived literally two buildings away so we could see each other all the time.

And yes, once I realized we had fallen into that zone, it made me incredibly anxious.

It was just small things, though, right? Like, we would meet for lunch or dinner and only one of us would pay and then we'd hug and stay there for like, a little too long, and we held hands like once or twice for a short period of time, and we don't cuddle or anything, but we'll lean back into each other and we're just touchier than friends usually are and I realized it when we hugged to say goodbye when she was over after a few weeks and then the door closed and I realized that we hugged for longer than we should've and it made me anxious.

I had to talk to my therapist about it the next day.

"Do you have any inkling as to why this situation makes you anxious, Sally?" My therapist asked me.

"I mean it..." I started off, knowing there was a reason, but it's something I never really talked to her about before. To my therapist.

Or Elena, but still.

"Like, the last time this happened," I explained to my therapist. "It wasn't with Elena, this is new. But I misread like, most of the situation I'm pretty sure, and when I proposed that we go out on a date or something, she gave me a weird look and insisited that we were just friends and then she said some other stuff that I blocked out, but the summary of it was that we were just friends and that even though we did some couple-y things, that could never happen and then she moved like a month later, which was so part of it but not all of it, and we barely talk now."

"And what about previous relationships?" My therapist questioned. "can I ask about how some of your previous relationships ended?"

"Hm? Oh, well my last actual relationship before the thing I just told you about was with Paul. We were together for like 2 years ago we were engaged and broke up like right before we got married, and the getting married bit was definitely kind of fast, but there was stuff happening with Percy and also Paul's family that getting married just made sense, but then Percy came out and Paul had a weirdly bad reaction to it and I guess I never told him that I was bi so when I talked to him about why he reacted the way he did to Percy, it was a long conversation that basically ended in my finding out that he was homophobic and so we broke up. Before him I was married to Gabe, but that wasn't really a relationship out of love, it was more like he seemed sweet and he provided protection from Percy because of his dad, as you know, and as a benefit it would help me get my citizenship. He started drinking, though, while we were together and he was very abusive and could never be pleased and after Percy started at camp he defeated Medusa and the gods sent him the head to like, use for you know what and he gave it to me because that's when he found out about Gabe being abusive towards me and so after a few weeks I ended up using the head. Before him was Poseidon. I guess I had a few short lived relationships that were only a date or two between the three of them but..."

I shrugged, not seeing what she wanted to get at.

"That's about it, why?"

"And you said that you've started to develop feelings for Elena?" But she didn't have to remind me. "But that you haven't acted on them?"

Slowly nodding, I confirmed her memories of what we were talking about like 10 minutes ago that started this whole talk.

"Okay," she summarized. "So from what I can understand, Sally, it sounds to me like you're worried about this possible relationship with Elena due to a history of partners, or even people like Elena who weren't a partner but we're more than a friend, not accepting you for you, and because of that, you've now internalized it."

And it almost made sense.

Almost.

"What do you mean I internalized it?"

My therapist took a breath.

"It's the case similar to being told something until you believe it,"but she was nice and explained it to me. "You have said that your anxiety, understandably so, has been worse this last year because of things to do with Percy. But when people in your life don't respond well to your anxiety, it teaches you that anxiety is bad, even though it isn't. Getting rejected because of your sexuality or your mental state, both things you don't have complete control over, time after time, has told you on some subconscious level that those things are bad and that you shouldn't persue a relationship because you're worried that you'll be rejected because of something you can't completely control rather than a simple deficit of romantic feelings from the other person, and furthermore that it will then ruin any friendship you have now. You're so worried that you're reading the situation wrong that you're not giving yourself any chance to even think about persuing it."

"But what if I am reading it wrong?" I asked my therapist, as if this wasn't her whole point. "I've done it before, who's to say I'm not doing it again?"

"Breathe, Sally," she reminded me. "from what you've told me, while I can't say for certain because I'm not Elena and I don't know Elena, it doesn't seem like you've misread it. The only way to know, though, is to have a conversation about it. You don't have to tell her that you like her, Sally, because that is scary and can feel risky, but just ask about what you two are doing now. If she's being friendlier and more affectionate because she wants more and is just anxious herself about taking that risk, or if it's because you guys haven't seen each other in so long and she is trying to comfort you after everything that happened last fall and winter."

And while I knew that she was right, that didn't mean that I wanted to do it.

After that session, though, my brain just made it worse.

Elena was over, which is normal, and we were watching TV and I had been leaned against her for a little bit and then she had rested her arm around my shoulders which was fine until I was aware of it and then it made me really anxious and I went to the bathroom and now I'm in the bathroom and I'm trying not cry and have a little meltdown because I don't want to have the conversation.

But we have to have the conversation because if we don't have the conversation it's just going to continue and I'm going to be even more confused and I'm going to have a meltdown and I don't want to have to tell her.

She's not going to want to hang out if I tell her.

Because why would she, right? I don't understand why she's so willing to hang out as much as we do right now as it is, so why would she want to after finding out that my stupid fucking brain couldn't help but develop feelings for her?

Because she's nice.

Because she's just being nice.

Because she would feel bad abandoning me with no other family or close friends to go to, no matter how badly she wanted to.

"Sally?" But I guess I've been gone longer than it should take me to use the bathroom because I don't know why else Elena would come to the bathroom and say my name. She knocked on the door lightly. "Hey, are you still in there?"

"Hm? Oh, uh... Yeah."

We're going to have to have the conversation.

Sitting on the toilet with the seat cover down and my pants up, I could feel my anxiety settling in as if the point of coming in here wasn't to make it go away.

I'd pay all of my money to have a brain that did it's job.

"Are you alright?" But she must've figured out that I wasn't in here to pee. "Are you decent? Can I come in?"

"Uh.... Yes."

Because I was distracted when I came in, the door was already unlocked, so Elena was able to just open the door and walk in to see my sitting on the toilet, trying to push down a meltdown that I just just have after she leaves and never comes back.

"Sally, hey," She said as she walked over and kneeled down to the ground. "What's going on, are you—"

But then she tried to grab one of my hands and I know she had good intentions and that she could see that I'm unwell and that she wanted to comfort me, but it scared me, so I pulled my arms away and hugged myself instead.

She's just being nice because she knows about your anxiety.

"Oh, sorry," Elena apologized as it festered and sat in my chest and in my brain and started to eat me from the inside out. "I just um... Sorry. Are you overstimulated? Is that why you left?"

Keeping my eyes squeezed shut and feeling my chest start to cave in on itself, I shook my head.

"Okay, um... Did you get news or something about Percy? You looked at your phone, right? Was it something about him?"

But I haven't had an update since they just said that they have an idea as to where he might be and that was weeks ago now, so I shook my head again as I could feel myself start to shake.

"Okay, then did... Did something happen?" Elena continued to ask. "did something and I missed it or like... Did I do something on accident to make you anxious?"

And like she said, it was an accident, she didn't mean it.

I didn't respond, though, because I don't want her to feel bad because it's not on purpose, but it makes me feel really shitty the more it happens and the more I think about it because it was an accident and she doesn't mean it.

"I'm sorry," I apologized because it's stupid that she had to sit through this. That we're going to have to have this conversation because my brain doesn't work.

Because I'm going to have a meltdown in my bathroom in front of my best friend because I can't just live with the fact that I want her to be something more than that and she'd be fucking insane to also want to be that.

She's going to hate me after the conversation.

After all, Gabe hated these moments and they just annoyed Paul. When I'd get like this and I'd start to stutter or lose my ability to speak, Gabe would get mad and annoyed and then he'd hit me and Paul never...

He just would leave until my moment was done and ask if I was over whatever happened and that was it.

Maybe that should've been a red flag, looking back, but red flags look normal in rose tinted glasses.

"For what?" Elena asked as if I hadn't lost my ability to talk and just shook my head. "Sally, hey, whatever it is, it's okay. I don't know what I did, but I'm sorry, I won't do it again if it makes you anxious, okay? I promise, I'm sorry."

I'm going to be alone again.

And she's trying to comfort me, and I get that.

But when I sensed her hand near my arm I tensed up and leaned away and I felt super shitty for doing it because it's not like I didn't want comfort, but I was afraid of accepting and then reading into it wrong and—

"Oh, shit, sorry," she insisted. "I wasn't... Am I being too touchy, Sally? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you tense up I just... Don't know any other good ways to comfort people when they're anxious."

I don't want to be alone.

But I don't have a response because I don't have the words for it. The answer isn't no, it's that I want to know what it means, and I want it to mean something else than I think it does right now.

Telling me that she'd be right back, Elena walked out of the room and came back with my stuffed sea turtle that I've had since I was literally 4 that I'm shocked she was able to find as fast as she was because my room is a disaster because it's been a disaster for over six months now.

"Here," she insisited, placing Shell at my feet. "Shell is a pro at getting you through stuff, he knows more than I do."

And of course I accepted the sea turtle because she was right, he's gotten me through literally everything in my life.

I hugged Shell, and then quickly learned why she grabbed him.

"Alright, Sally, in order to suffocate me you have to be able to breathe," it was the dumbest voice I've never heard Elena use, but she was using him to talk to me, which felt weird. "come on, so both of us can do it, yeah? Breathe in, and then breathe out."

Honestly, I don't know what's dumber: the fact that Elena not only thought this up, but proceeded to follow through with it.

Or the fact that after a few minutes, it worked.

It made me feel like a two year old, but it worked and I stopped shaking and I could control my breathing again and didn't feel like I was going to die if somebody touched me again.

"This is so dumb," I said after i put Shell down on the sink. "Sorry about... That."

"If it works, it's not dumb," Elena reminded me. "And don't apologize, Sally. You can't control when your anxiety acts up, especially since you're still waiting on insurance to approve meds so it's not even like you missed your meds or something like that. It happens. I'm sorry that I made it worse. I can stop being so touchy if it's making you anxious."

"No, you—" but I didn't have anything to protest because she did make it worse, it just wasn't on purpose.

But I also didn't want the touchiness to stop.

Words are hard, though, and I choked on mine for a second.

"I just don't..." But talking about feelings does not get easier as you get older if the feelings are new. "It's not the touch, it's just like..."

But despite the fact that I want to be an author one day soon, I can't find any words to properly say what I want to tell her.

"Not knowing, I guess?" I figured, defeated to having the stupid conversation. "Like what it... Means, I guess?"

"What it means?"she asked in response.

"Yeah, like..." I started off, trying to think of the things my therapist talked about and I kind of motioned between us. "This. It just feels like it's been this weird gray area between friendship and something else but I've also misread those situations in the past and I don't want to make that mistake again, but just asking about it feels weird and because I don't know that then sometimes the touch can make me anxious but it's not that alone because I don't mind that, I just... Don't like gray areas because not knowing what they are make me anxious."

"Aw, Sally, I'm sorry," she apologized, and I thought she was going to ask how I could think we could ever be more than guys. "It has been a weird area, you're right, we probably shouldn't have neglected it for as long as we did, but we can talk about it now! If it's making you super anxious, we should talk about it, right?"

I nodded my head, very terrified for the conversation to come.

And she could see that. She saw the hesitation in me nodding and she saw how it made my anxiety spike for another half second because I'm afraid of losing her and I'm afraid of being alone because being alone for me is a really bad thing, historically speaking.

"Hey, take a breath," Elena reminded me. "Nothing bad is going to happen, Sally. Whatever your anxiety is telling you right now is a big fat lie. We've been friends for like 30 years, your anxiety doesn't know what it's talking about."

Nodding my head, I breathed in and held it for a second and let it go.

But now I need physical reassurance that it's going to be okay, so I put my hand out, she she gave me a look to ask if I was sure, and I was because now I need it, so she held my hand.

"Okay," and probably sensing that I need a minute to mentally prepare to talk, Elena went first. "so we're talking about feelings, right? I interpreted that correctly?"

I nodded my head.

"Okay cool," Elena responded and took a breath herself. "Well I'll admit to also avoiding talking about it, too, because I didn't want to stress you out or pressure you out anything right now with everything that's been happening in your life."

She paused for a second.

"Obviously, that didn't work out super well because it made you anxious," Elena continued. "And again, sorry, that wasn't the intent. I think I've said it before but I'd never like, try to make you anxious or frustrated or feel bad at all because I don't like seeing you feel bad because we've known each other for forever and I care about you."

But what a neutral way to word it that really did not help me at all.

Like, I'm aware that she cares.

What I need to know for my own sanity is how or like, why she cares.

"Admittabaly, I have been pretty touchy since we've been hanging out so often,"and again, duh. This stuff is obvious. "And if you want me to stop, I will. We were never that touchy before so I get it, you just didn't seem to mind, so I went with it because I liked it. I like physical touch, I don't think that's new. It's how I feel comforted so that's how I usually try to comfort others and show others that I care about them and that's what it started as was just like, wanting to comfort you because you've obviously had a hard time being alone, which is completely fair and understandable. Over time, though, not like... I don't know when because it was gradual, which makes sense because we hang out like every almost, but it started to feel like more than just like, providing you comfort and it feels weird to think about because we've been friends since we were kids and somehow it didn't happen until now, but I realized that I caught feelings, but I didn't want to mention it because you're literally dealing with your missing son and not being able to talk to his dad or get updates and really bad anxiety and I didn't want to stress you out with one more thing of being like hey, I know you just got out of a relationship like fairly recently, but I couldn't help myself because it happened before I even realized it and now we're here and yeah."

Elena shrugged.

"It's whatever," she insisted. "I didn't want you to worry about us, or about any feelings I developed over these last couple weeks, which evidently didn't work, but... I tried. Sorry that I took it like, too far. I'll deal with it, don't worry."

"Wh—" but I wasn't prepared for that news.

For the news that I did read the situation correctly and that she was being nice, but it wasn't just for the sake of being nice.

"No, you..." But I'm at a loss of words, and I don't know what else to do, so I scoot down to the ground where she has been, and pull her into a hug. "it's been like, almost a year since Paul and I broke up. It's been a long time."

"I've seen people hung up on exes for like two years."

"Well not me, he was homophobic," I reminded her. "also, when your best friend is the coolest and nicest lesbian you've ever met, it's really hard to not develop feelings and then talk to your therapist about it for like most of a session because you've read situations wrong before and gotten very hurt by it and didn't want that to happen this time and then it didn't because you mostly listened to your therapist and had the conversation that's happening right now as you're speaking."

Chuckling a little, Elena smiled, and then I realized that we're like... On the same page.

And we've been on the same page.

For at least a week. I don't know when she fully realized things, so I'm saying a week.

She relaxed a bit, though, resting her arms behind me in the like, laziest hug in the world.

"Have I ever told you how cute you are?"

And she hadn't, which meant that I turned redder than a tomato and buried my face in her shoulder to attempt and hide my embarrassment.

"Can we go out for dinner?" I asked to conceal my embarrassment of being flirted with for the first time since probably before Paul moved in. "To like, make it official?"

"Hmmm if I can pay, then yes," she answered. "It's a date."

She paid last time, though, so I stole the tab and paid for it when she went to the bathroom.

We had our first sleepover in like... 20 years or so, though, sharing a bed, so I think it's official.

My brain is my most organ.

•••
Two long Sally chapters? Two long Sally chapters

I love Sally so much I hope you guys don't despise me for throwing Paul out like I did now that Elena has entered the chat