Sally Jackson

With Nico not around, it got lonely pretty fast again.

The woman who Nico always called my girlfriend despite the fact that we were never properly together moved out of state to be closer to home because of things going on with her own family, so we talk a little, but it's hard to find the energy.

I have confirmation that he's alive now, thanks to Grovers link with Percy, but that's all I know, and it just...

I'm still worried.

Overall, things have just felt slow lately, so it was odd to get a message from an old friend of mine on a random Tuesday after getting off work.

Elena: Hi, Sally, it's Elena! It's been a really long time since we talked, sorry about that, but I was wondering if you'd want to meet up soon and chat? You still live in Manhattan right?

Sally: Hey! Don't worry, were both busy adults, I totally get it. And sure, besides work, I don't have much going on. Are you here for vacation or something else?

Elena: I just moved here, actually! My job relocated me and it was either here or Tokyo, and I know English much better than Japanese. Plus, I don't know anyone in Tokyo. It can be like when we were kids again!

Humored by the idea, I responded to say that I'd be down to meet any time after I get off work, which is usually by like, 3.

Elena is a friend of mine from childhood. We grew up together in Sao Paulo until my uncle won the green card lottery for us and we moved here right before he got diagnosed with cancer when I was like 14 or 15, and because of that and the lack of money, I haven't been able to go back ever.

I want to, one day. To bring Percy and show him where I'm from and where our family is because we do have family there, I just talk to them very rarely because it's been 20 years since I've seen any of them.

Since I've been here, though, Elena has visited a few times. Once like a year after we moved and before my uncle died, once while I was pregnant with Percy, and once while Percy was at Yancy.

We've talked beyond those three times she visited, I just got really depressed last summer because I was worried about Percy dying and got really bad at keeping up with people that I didn't see every day, and then Paul and I broke up because he didn't know that I'm not straight and it made me feel really shitty, and then Percy went missing and I hit my lowest point in years.

The only reason I haven't been evicted from our apartment is Rachel's family because I wasn't able to pay rent for like the first three months that Percy was gone.

I also made no progress on my book during that time and I keep trying to make progress and it's just shit so... Yeah.

Getting home, I cleaned up the apartment a bit since Elena asked if tonight would be okay, and it's not like I had literally anything else to do, so I said sure. Tried to not explode while I cleaned the place because without Nico stopping by, I've had no reason to clean, so it was really bad and kind of overwhelming.

The only bright side to Percy going missing, and I don't think I'd even call it a bright side, is that the Dares basically forced me to go to therapy after I had multiple breakdowns and couldn't work and wasn't getting better, and by going to therapy, I found out that the anxiety that Percy has is probably genetic because I also have it, and my mom might've also had it. I've been trying to find her medical files, but I don't have anyone's numbers from back in Brazil to get it and I can't exactly afford to just go to Brazil.

It's been weird, though, since I've been diagnosed.

Because nothing changed, right? It's just that I have a word for why I respond to things the way I do now, but I'm so much older than most people are when they're diagnosed so it's just... Weird.

Elena got to the apartment within 20 minutes of me cleaning as much of the apartment as I could handle before I had to sit down and give up for a while, and luckily I was smart and started with the living room and moved over to the kitchen (the dishes are not done because that was too much), so it doesn't look that bad.

"Elena, hi!" I said, stepping to let her inside.

"Sally!" Elena exclaimed as she gave me a hug, which I didn't expect for some reason. "I missed you so much! Hi! You moved since I was here last!"

"I— oh, yeah, we moved the summer after you were here last," I confirmed, nodding my head. "It's a little nicer of a place, so yeah. I can show you around, if you want?"

Nodding her head, she said that that would be great, so I gave her a quick tour, and she called me out on a couple things.

"Is— was there not somebody else that moved in with you?" Elena asked as we walked away from my room, which was a shit show to look at, but the door was closed so it doesn't matter. "i remember you telling me that you were like, engaged, right? Because I was sad that I wouldn't be able to make the time that you guys were thinking of having the wedding. Is he just at work? I was looking forward to meeting him finally."

So I really haven't talked to her in a while, cool.

Maybe it's been longer than I thought because I thought I'd at least messaged her around her birthday, which is in November, but maybe I didn't.

Or maybe all I said was happy birthday and nothing else.

"Oh, yeah, we uh... Broke up," I caught Elena up, and I saw her expression drop. "Yeah, we never actually got married. Our license was taking forever to go through and then we went on our honeymoon early just because he's a teacher so we wanted to go before the academic year started and then some stuff happened and I guess he didn't know that I'm bi because I guess it's not like I've had a girlfriend in... Since Percy's been born so it's never really come up and Percy came out last August or September, right after we got back, and Paul took it weirdly so I talked to him and one thing led to another and we broke up and yeah."

"Aw, I'm sorry, that's shitty that he couldn't just like— accept you two," Elena apologized, and the apology hit me right in the chest because outside of Percy and Nico, nobody really knew why Paul and I broke up, so it just... "I guess it's better that it happened before you were married, though. How's Percy, then? He's still in school, right? Is he just like hanging out with friends or something right now? You two have been managing well on your own?"

Got to me. Hit me.

And I know she didn't mean to because she doesn't know. Elena would never try to make me anxious or sad or anything like that. I know she wouldn't because she's a good person and she's one of my best friends.

But I haven't seen my son in over six months and people stopped asking months ago and I'm not used to it anymore. And even when they do, it's because they know what happened and they're gentle about it and he just...

I know his will is written, and I'm terrified of looking at it.

"He—"

I stop myself and notice Elena raise her eyebrow, curious as to why my mood suddenly changed because my heart feels like it might squeeze itself to death and my stomach might twist itself into a knot.

It's not a new feeling, but it still gets me every time it happens.

And now I know why that is, so it just annoys me.

I felt my nails dig into my thighs and I could care less.

"Percy... It's just been me," I tried to explain and I saw probably the incorrect realization hit her for a second. "Actually, um... Yeah. He's not dead! Please don't... He isn't dead, he just... Went missing. Last December. And while they've been able to confirm that like, he's alive and they have a lead on where he is, they don't really know for sure and... Yeah."

I stopped myself again, because I felt like I was explode, and I can't explode while Elena is here. That's rude.

"So it's just been me," I told Elena. "his boyfriend used to stop by every couple or weeks or so, and one of his friends family sometime stop in but..."

I shrugged.

"That's about it."

"Oh, god, Sally, I..." Elena started, her voice drifting as she was at a loss for words because she probably didn't expect to come here to have me be an anxious mess because my son is missing and despite the leads, it's getting harder to convince myself that he's coming home. "I'm so sorry, I... Has— I know that he hasn't been in the picture much, but has his dad... Done anything or...?"

I shook my head.

"He's been on like... A lockdown, I guess?" I tried to explain. "he's aware of Percy being missing, I know, but there's no way for me to contact him right now and vice versa because of some stupid shit that just... Is stupid and they'll try to get Percy involved the like, moment he's found and for whatever reason he won't be able to come home and just..."

I sighed again.

"I hate men."

Elena smiled a little at my summary of hating men, but it's true.

I need to stop dating men because I have shitty taste in men.

"That's why I don't date them," Elena responded, reminding me that she is, in fact, a lesbian. "Guaranteed to be worse if they're a man."

I rolled my eyes, trying to have the anxiety just like, go away, but it doesn't work like that.

So now I'm choosing to pretend it doesn't exist.

"You're not wrong," I agreed, leaning back into the couch. "did anyone move out here with you? I haven't missed you getting a girlfriend, have I?"

Elena shook her head.

"Nah, but I also haven't been trying that hard to find anyone," my best friend told me. "And once I found out that I was getting relocated? It was the furthest thing from my mind. Who knows, maybe I'll find some American girl and we'll get married so I can get my citizenship faster. That's what you did with Gabe, right?"

I felt my anxiety tick the moment she said his name and I looked directly at Elena.

"Don't do what I did with Gabe," I advised her. "Worst like 10 years of my life being stuck with him, but I didn't have much a choice at the time, so.... Please don't marry just for citizenship."

"Don't worry, I won't," Elena reassured me, pulling me into a hug as I rolled my eyes. "I watched what you went through with Gabe. Or, I heard it, really, since I only met him once but... I'm glad he's gone. Your taste in men is terrible, Sally."

"I know it is," I agreed with her claim, too lazy to move out of the hug and just staying there, leaning back because it's been ages since I've had physical contact with anyone for longer than maybe half a second. "nobody's super keen on going out with an anxious and depressed woman who has a kid that's missing and could be found dead or alive at any moment, and I don't blame them because I also wouldn't want to deal with me when I get that news."

Because I did ask out the woman that Nico thought I was dating. We sat in a more-than-friends territory for a little while, and then I asked her out and she said that she thought we were just friends and that she didn't want a relationship and like, part of it was that she was moving and stuff.

The other part of it I'm pretty sure was definitely me being me, though. Being anxious and never not being anxious.

Which, it's mostly warranted because he's missing, but people have also told me that I need to move on, so that makes me feel bad when it happens.

"Mmmm well those people are stupid, because you're like the coolest person I know," Elena told me. "Just because shit has been happening that naturally makes you anxious and depressed doesn't make you less cool, and if they can't see that, they're stupid. Also, are you sure that's not just your anxiety telling you to not even try because you're worried that they won't actually like you?"

I scoffed and actually sat up again, offended that she knew me so well.

"Shut up," I didn't have a better response, and she rolled her eyes, humored by me. "Just because it's true doesn't mean you have to call me out on it."

Elena laughed.

"Oh, Sally," she said, I think mostly to herself. "I missed hanging out. What do you want for dinner?"