Percy Jackson

Is it bad that I was able to understand Luke now?

It was just a few days after we got back, and some of the others were talking about how cool the concept of camp was and that it's cool that the gods care enough to make a safe place like that for their children. That they care about kids.

I laughed.

And then the others looked at me and I actually realized that I laughed.

"What's so funny?" Frank asked me and I saw Grover's eyes widen because I think he realized why I laughed.

"Oh, sorry, nothing," I insisited. "Just um... Yeah. It's been a while since I've heard somebody say that."

"What? That the gods care about their kids?" Piper asked. "Do they not?"

That's a dangerous question, though, and I knew that.

"Oh! I got a response from Annabeth the other day, I forgot to tell you guys after I fell asleep," Grover interjected, but it didn't fool them.

"No, you told us," Piper insisited. "Thanks again for asking. Wh... Do you have a problems with the gods, Percy?"

"Do I... Generally speaking, no," but having to clarify that felt bad and I saw Frank scoff. "Personally speaking... I have made enemies... Over the years."

"Enemies?" Leo was intrigued, though. Nico rejoined us from the bathroom. "What god...?"

"Are you sure that's an answer you want?" I asked in return.

"Yeah!" Everyone shouted back, making me jump a little because yelling... Yelling.

It gets me sometimes.

"Um..." I began, trying to not let my anxiety take over my brain because Leo and Piper still haven't seen me have a panic attack and I'd like to keep it that way. "Yes. Okay. Um, so for reference, he deserved it. Grover can vouch, he was there for it. Annabeth, too."

I took a breath.

"So I was brought to camp because I was framed for stealing something from Zeus before I even like, knew about my dad," I filled the others in. "And so I went on this quest to prove myself innocent and to also save my mom because Hades kidnapped her and took her hostage, and we assumed he had the bolt for various reasons and long story short is that I get framed by Ares, who was working for Kronos although he didn't know it was Kronos, after he gave me a backpack in like, Denver that had a spell to make the bolt appear once I reached the Underworld and I like, got pissed, because I made myself out to be this heroic asshole in front of Hades, insisiting that I didn't have the bolt or his helm, which apparently also was missing, and I didn't have the Helm because Ares did but I had the bolt and we escaped and I had to leave my mom behind and so when Ares appeared, I was mad and I might have called him a coward and challenged him like, a few times. We definitely fought and I definitely stabbed him in the heel. So like... We don't get along. A lot of the other gods are kind of iffy, I guess? Like, it's warranted, I guess, but..."

I shrugged.

"I don't know, they're stubborn and don't want to change. Hestia's pretty cool, um... Apollo did help me out once, which is against the rules. So like, it's not all of them, just... Most of them? I'm just really tired of being thrown on quests and given jobs because while I want to die, I don't want to die that way, you know?"

"Hey!" Nico and Grover called me on my joke, though.

"What?" I responded, not even thinking about the fact that the others haven't really heard me joke about it because I'm reality I've been with them for a little over a month, and half of that time was in Tartarus.

And even when I had amnesia, I kept it to myself.

"You know you're not supposed make those jokes," my boyfriend reminded me and I frowned, even though he was right. My therapist wanted me to stop making them. "don't give me that look, I know you know better. Do I need to call Apollo?"

Now while Apollo is one of the cooler gods, I think I'd rather kill myself than have a mental health consult with him so I shook my head.

"No, please don't," I insisted. "it's fine, I'm sorry. It's a joke, not a good one, but... A joke. Please don't call Apollo over a joke."

And while I knew he wasn't mad and I wasn't worried about Nico because he told me to not worry and he wouldn't, the damage with the others was done.

I shouldn't have made the joke when they don't know.

Because now they're looking at me like I'm weird for making a joke about wanting to not be alive, but it wasn't a suicide joke so it's weird and I've been pretty decent at masking lately so while they know that I'm a more anxious person, I don't think they know about me getting admitted or anything last fall and also how I'm kind of getting back to that point again but for different reasons now and just...

They're going to think I'm weird and stupid and they're not going to like being around me because I'm the weird kid who jokes about wanting to be dead and I don't want to be here anymore and they're looking at me but I don't know what to say but they won't stop looking and I don't want to be here anymore and-

"I'm going to grab something from my room," it was a bullshit lie, but I needed an out and it was the only thing my brain could muster before I stood up and walked under deck to the room Nico and I share.

Why hasn't he kicked me out into my own room yet?

He has to be tired of me by now. We're around each other almost all the time and we were in Tartarus together and we share a room and even a bed and he's probably apologizing to the others about how rude and stupid and annoying I am when my anxiety takes over and-

"Percy?" But think of the devil and I guess he'll appear, because I heard his voice and I felt bad and curled up a little more, in a ball sitting on his bed.

He saw me tense up.

"Sweets, hey, it's just me, it's just Nico, your boyfriend," he said very softly, closing the door behind him as he walked closer to the bed. "it's alright, okay? It's just us. Did what I said make you more anxious? I'm sorry if it did."

But it didn't, so I shook my head. It was a momentary panic of thinking about Apollo, but it went away really fast.

"Okay, well I'm glad that it isn't that," my boyfriend continued. "Can I join you on the bed?"

And I like my boyfriend, and I also like physical reassurance, so I nodded my head as he sat on his own bed.

Even if I didn't want the physical touch, I probably would've said yes because it's his bed so I'd feel really bad denying him access to his own bed.

Wouldn't it be cool if my lungs could do their job?

They're not going to want to be around me anymore.

I don't want them to think I'm stupid or scary or or bad or just... Bad.

But I had to fuck it up, right? I suck at making friends because I always do this and then it's weird and awkward and weird and awkward are two really bad things, especially for a person who has anxiety and then I get worried that they hate me and I don't stick round long enough to be proven wrong because like, why wouldn't they hate me? I hate me, so it makes sense that they would also hate me.

Really stupid that when Hera made me forget everything, she couldn't also make the anxiety go away.

Hate her for that. Fucking hate Hera.

I just want a brain that works so when I try to make friends or I meet new people I don't just immediately fuck it up and make it weird. I don't like making things weird, even though I do it all the time.

My brain just... Doesn't work. And it makes me feel like shit.

I feel like shit.

I don't want to be here right now, and I don't really know where I want to be (and although home is a good contender, so is the afterlife), but I don't want to be on this ship with people that I can't even manage a conversation with because I'm a dumbass.

Feeling the ball swell in my chest, I leaned against my boyfriend and felt the tears find their way out, and I wanted to stop existing, but I wanted that to happen by shooting myself in the head or slitting my throat or just...

Anything easy and a little painful but not unbearable.

Not that I don't deserve the pain, but... I don't want too much. Just like, enough to distract me from this... From my brain and-

I didn't realize my forearms were wet until I felt Nico put his hand between my hand and my forearm and looking down at his hand, I saw the little bit of red on my fingers and I didn't know to respond.

"I'm sorry," but apologizing is a decent go to, I think. "I'm sorry that my brain doesn't work and that I don't... I'm sorry... Sorry..."

"Sweets, hey, breathe with me," my boyfriend tried to remind me, but it wasn't going well because I can't control my lungs anymore because my brain is stupid and won't let me. "you can do it, I believe in you, Percy. We've done it before, okay? Your brain doesn't know what it's doing, remember? That's why I'm going to do it with you."

He hates having to sit through this.

He doesn't actually care, he just feels obligated to help.

"Percy?"

Why would he like you?

I shook my head and squeezed my eyes shut, losing control as the ball pushed against my chest and locked itself in at the base of my throat.

You'd be better off dead.