Requested by bts_armylove_xoxo
{🛑 New Requests Closed🛑}
TW: Depression, Blood, Self harm, Suicide Attempt, Eating disorder.

---

Taehyung threw his head back in agony when Jin called him to come get dinner. He was trying to avoid food as much as he could lately. There was recently an abundance of hate about him online, with many anti's stating things like he's fat, unattractive, should die, along with other shameful and hurtful words.

It was easy to ignore at first, but then the more he read it the more he became hyper-fixated on what these people had to say. He wanted to know what their issues with him were so that he could fix them.

All he wanted was to be loved.

So changing up my eating habits to help me lose weight should stop the slander.

Which meant when it came to eating around the others, he'd either claim to not feel well, or move his food around the plate and play with his fork to make it seem like he was eating. If he did end up taking a bite or two, he'd go into the bathroom to immediately throw it back up. He didn't want his members to worry or notice, so he made sure to stay as secretive as possible about it.

Unfortunately he wasn't losing the weight the way he thought he was, but instead, his body was becoming very weak.

During dance practice he'd feel light headed and stumble, with the others constantly asking if he was alright and offering him snacks and water. He'd take the water but would hide the snacks in his pockets and throw them out later.

He felt like he was spitting out the same lie a million times a day. "I'm fine. I'm fine."

Maybe if I say it out loud enough, I really will be fine.

He continued to keep his deteriorating mental state from his members. He didn't want them to worry, and not only that, he didn't think they'd even care.

However, Jungkook was beginning to get suspicious about Taehyung's health. He went into his hyungs bedroom one night after dinner and took a seat next to him on his bed.

"Alright, spill it. What's going on with you?" Jungkook asked.

Taehyung acted as though he had no idea what Jungkook was talking about. "What do you mean?"

"You've been acting strange lately. I noticed tonight you didn't take a single bite of your dinner and don't try to lie about that because I didn't take my eyes off of you the entire time. You didn't eat a single bite."

"I wasn't hungry. It's no big deal."

Jungkook looked his hyung up and down and noticed his pale skin and the dark circles under his eyes. He placed his hand to Taehyung's forehead to see if he had a fever. "What's wrong?" To the maknae's surprise, his hyung didn't feel warm at all. Quite opposite, actually. He felt pretty cold.

Taehyung knew he had to lie if he was going to get Jungkook off his back. "I suppose all of the schedules lately just have me exhausted. That's all. Really, Kook. I'm fine."

"You promise you'd tell me if you weren't though, right?" the youngest asked.

Taehyung patted Jungkook's back. "Of course. I promise."

He felt terrible lying, but he didn't want to be a burden. He felt like enough of a burden already to everyone online who was still posting so much hate about him. He wasn't willing to cause problems within his own group and make his members hate him too by causing stress.

Jungkook wrapped his arms around his hyung and squeezed him. "I love you, hyungie."

"Love you too, Koo. If you don't mind I'd like to get to bed a little early."

Jungkook said goodnight and left the room. Taehyung made sure to lock his door once the youngest was gone so he could cry his eyes out into his pillow without being disturbed. His mind and heart felt broken. He was starting to not understand why he was letting the online hate effect him so much, but it was only getting worse and worse. He also felt extremely ashamed for just breaking a promise to his only dongsaeng straight to his face. But what he doesn't know can't hurt him.

He was mad at himself for making it too obvious that he wasn't eating. He decided he needed a new strategy because now he knew Jungkook was going to be watching him closely. Eat and throw it up. He won't see me throw it up.

He also didn't understand why he wasn't actually losing the weight. His body was exhausted. His lips were chapped. He could tell he was malnourished but the result he actually wanted wasn't coming.

Which made the depression even worse.

Because now he felt like he was letting the haters and his members down.

I'm not good enough for anyone.

The pain became too much. He just wanted it to stop. He couldn't fall asleep that night because his head was pounding and his tear soaked eyes burned. He hoped maybe a few alcoholic beverages from the fridge would help him sleep. And numb his pain for a little while. He grabbed a few bottles and plopped on the couch, too exhausted to even make it back to his own bed.

The members were livid when they woke up the next morning to see Taehyung sprawled out on the couch with multiple bottles of alcohol surrounding him.

"Taehyung! What the hell!" Namjoon was shaking him to wake him up, but the task was proving to be difficult.

"Hmm?" Taehyung groaned. He felt like a fish inside a water bowl. His hearing was off and his eyesight was blurred when he opened them. The room seemed to be spinning.

"Why did you drink so much, and so late at night?! You knew we have rehearsals today!" Namjoon continued to scold him.

"S-sorry," Taehyung groaned. He was instantly filled with shame. He knew he had rehearsals, but at the same time, part of him hadn't cared. He didn't want to go anyway.

"Why did you do that, Tae?" Jimin asked. He looked at his best friend with great concern. It wasn't like him to be so careless. He helped pick up the alcohol bottles on the floor while Namjoon was struggling to drag Taehyung off the couch. The rest of the members were also quite upset because they knew this was going to greatly impact their rehearsal for the day.

In which it did. Taehyung didn't participate at all. More like he couldn't. He sat in the corner hungover, taking small sips of water. Yoongi and Jin repeatedly scolded him about what he'd done and how stupid he was for doing it. Jungkook suggested they get rid of the alcohol in the house altogether so that Taehyung couldn't 'make the same mistake twice.' Soon all of the members were surrounding him and yelling at him for being so careless.

"I am very sorry everyone." Taehyung sat in the corner with his knees pulled to this chest. The room was still spinning and he felt nauseous. He continuously wiped the tears that were streaming down his cheeks. It seemed as though the hate he was getting online was also spilling out to him in the form of his own members.

I can't do anything right. All I do is ruin everything and cause problems for everyone. . .

When the members could see how Taehyung was now bawling his eyes out, they all lightened up. Jimin knelt in front of him and squeezed his knee. "Hey, Tae. Come on, tell us what's going on. Are you alright?" Jimin realized all of them screaming at him wasn't going to solve anything. "Guys, we're being too mean."

The others agreed with Jimin and decided to lighten up. This wasn't Taehyung at all, so they knew something had to be wrong.

"Hyungie you promised me you would tell me if something was wrong. It's not like you to drink like that. What happened? You said you were fine before I left your room last night." Jungkook took a seat next to him on the floor and pulled him into a side hug.

Taehyung looked to see all of his members kneeling and sitting around him, their eyes filled with concern. Yoongi patted his leg. "Tell us what's up, kiddo."

Taehyung shrugged. It was beyond explanation. The feelings were too deep and he didn't know how to express them in words.

Jimin and Jungkook both started rubbing his back. "You can tell us what's on your mind, Tae," Jimin informed.

Hobi tried to give Taehyung a light tickle as an effort to get him to smile. It broke his heart seeing Taehyung look so incredibly sad.

"I'm just..." Taehyung hesitated. He really didn't want to talk about it. "I was just tired and thirsty and accidentally drank too much. I'm sorry. I lost track of time and didn't realize what I was doing. That's all there is to it. I swear it was an accident, and it won't happen again."

The members didn't quite believe him, but decided not to pry. It was evident that Taehyung didn't want to discuss the matter further. In the meantime the members cut him some slack and stopped scolding him, hoping if anything he at least learned from it due to the fact he had made himself quite sick.

Despite Taehyung saying it would never happen again, Hobi still took it upon himself to get all of the alcohol out of the house. He didn't quite know what was going on with Taehyung but he figured it was the safest thing to do at the moment to keep the situation from getting worse.

Little did he and the others know that behind closed doors, it had gotten much worse for Taehyung. The members had already apologized to him for being so harsh earlier, and tried so hard to talk to him about his feelings but it didn't stop him from feeling like he had made them hate him.

Deep down he thought surely he was being irrational, surely his members loved him, but there was a small voice in his head saying that wasn't true.

You've made them hate you. Just like half the world hates you. You're ruining their lives. Can't you see that? The world wants you to die, and so do they.

Taehyung was in his room that night struggling with the voices in his head. He was gripping his hair and even trying to pull it, hoping the pain would distract him from the thoughts but it wasn't working. He started digging his nails into his wrists, hoping to cause even more pain. But no amount of his self inflicted pain was enough.

He needed more of it. It had to hurt more.

Then the thoughts will go away.

He snuck into the bathroom and grabbed a razor blade from the cabinet, running it back to his room. He locked himself in and began to slice into his wrists. With every cut came more tears. Every time he took the sharp point and traced his skin with it, the dark crimson red would flow out of him.

Every cut represented another thought he would have. He thought of all the comments he had read online.

'Kim Taehyung is fat.'

'Kim Taehyung should die.'

'Nobody wants him. The band would be better without him.'

'He should end his own life in order to make everyone else's life better. '

'He provides nothing to that band. How did he even debut? '

He watched as the blood dripped off his skin and onto his pillow. It was finally starting to distract him. His tears fell down his cheeks and were splashing onto his arm. A mixture of all of his pain pouring out of him.

Everything is falling apart.

He blinked to clear his vision. He watched the tears and blood continue to pour out, and he started to wonder if this was for the best.

Dying would be better than this. It will make everyone happy. I won't be a burden to the world or my members any longer.

He decided it was the only way out of the prison of his own mind.

To end his life. And to do it right now.

He took the blade and started cutting deeper. More wounds. More blood. He struck something and it started gushing. He knew he had nicked the right spot this time.

Suddenly he started seeing black spots in his vision. He lay down in his bed and it was becoming hard to breathe as the room began to spin again. This time was different though. It felt like he'd been thrown into a dream like state. As though he were in his body but not really. Part of him felt like he was floating. His eyelids grew heavy and he was getting tired.

His heart was racing and then panic ensued when he realized...

I'm dying.

No. No. No.

Instant regret hit him. He was too afraid to die. He didn't want to die. Death had always sounded scary, and right now he was absolutely terrified.

The blood kept coming as he panicked. He couldn't move from his bed. All he could do was scream. "Help! Someone h-help!" He grabbed his blankets and tried balling them up against his arm to make the bleeding stop. "Help! Help me!" He continued to cry out. His tears were now mixed with shrieks of terror. He heard his members outside his door, trying to jiggle the handle.

He forgot he had locked it.

"Taehyung?! Taehyung what's wrong?!" Hobi screamed.

"I didn't mean to! I didn't mean to! Help me!"

"Taehyung what's wrong?!" There was clear panic in Hobi's voice. The others were all outside his door screaming for him to open it.

"I can't! I'm sorry! I-I'm so sorry. I'm so s-sorry!" Taehyung cried.

He heard Jungkook and Namjoon start throwing themselves against the door, and together they were quickly able to knock it off it's hinges. Shards of wood flew out into the hallway as the door was broken apart in order for them to get in.

They saw Taehyung covered in blood and holding the blankets to his arm.

"I'm so sorry. Help. Help me. I don't want to-I don't want to-" Taehyung was losing consciousness. His eyelids were fluttering open and closed and his body dropped back down onto the bed.

"Taehyung?!" Jungkook panicked. The mere sight before him sent him on the verge of passing out.

Yoongi immediately was at Taehyung's side trying to help stop the bleeding while the others went and grabbed more towels. Jin was on the phone getting an ambulance but he was barely audible through his gut-wrenching sobs.

Not in any of there worst nightmares did the members ever expect something like this.

"Hey, Tae. Listen to me. You're going to be okay." Jimin was sobbing while trying to hold Taehyung's head in his lap. His tears were splashing onto his brothers face. "You hear me? You're going to be fine. This is just-this-you'll be fine." Jimin was lost for words. He wished he could take all of Taehyung's pain away and carry it for him instead.

"Try to stay awake for us, okay?" Yoongi was gently patting Taehyung's cheek, which had turned deathly pale. His was struggling to keep his eyes open.

He could hear his members screaming and crying while trying their best to offer words of reassurance. He knew now.

He knew how much they loved him. And it might be too late.

"I'm-m-m-I'm so sorry..." Taehyung's voice wasn't any louder than a whisper, but he needed his members to know he was sorry.

The regret washed over him as he realized what he'd done not only to himself, but to them as well. He could see the fear in Jungkook's eyes and the way his maknae could barely stand up. He could feel Jimin's tears falling onto his face. He could see how Hobi, Namjoon, Yoongi, and Jin were all trying to stop the bleeding despite their own tears blocking their vision.

He realized this might be the very last sight he ever got of them. "M-m-I'm sorry. I love you."

Those were the last words to leave Taehyung's mouth before he fell completely unconscious.

"Taehyung?" Jin was shaking him, desperate for him to open his eyes again. "Taehyung! Hey! No! Taehyung wake up! You have to wake up!" All of them were now screaming and hyperventilating, panic flooding their souls.

Yoongi checked for a pulse, it was there but it was deathly slow. "He's...we're losing him!" Yoongi cried. "Taehyung please. Please you can't die. Not here. Not like this. You're too young. Please you have to wake up!" Yoongi begged over and over.

They heard the paramedics get there and they moved aside to let the professionals take over. All of the members stood in the corner while the paramedics started hooking Taehyung up to tubes and wires and a breathing machine.

The members were huddled together, hugging each other and crying into each other's shoulders at the sight.

The sight of watching their brother die right in front of them.

"Please save him. Please. You have to save him!" Jin screamed. "He's our brother! We can't lose him!" Jin dropped to his knees, bringing all of the others with him. They huddled together on the floor as Taehyung was rushed out into the ambulance. Yoongi jumped to his feet and commanded that they get in the car and hurry up to the hospital.

"We can't send him off alone," Yoongi said.

When they got there they ran in demanding answers. A nurse guided them to a waiting room but said they wouldn't have updates for a while.

The members sat around, feeling like their entire world just shattered right in front of them. Jungkook was pacing around the room, his fists balled in anger. "He promised he'd tell me if something was wrong." In a fit of rage, he ended up punching a trash can over. "He fucking promised!"

Jin ran over and pulled Jungkook into a hug. "I'm sure he did, Koo. Whatever was going on he clearly wasn't willing to talk about it."

Jungkook buried his head into Jin's chest. "It's not fair. Maybe I could have helped him. I could have done something-"

Jin grabbed Jungkook's tear soaked cheeks in his hands. "Hey, look at me. You can't blame yourself. Okay? This is not your fault. Taehyung was sick. None of us knew."

"I did know. I knew. I saw him not eating. I asked him but he pretended to be fine!" Jungkook couldn't help but feel as though if he had pried more, he could have gotten answers out of Taehyung and done something to help his hyung before it came to this.

"You did the best you could. This is not your fault." Jin pulled Jungkook back against his chest.

"I don't want to lose him." Jungkook's words were muffled by Jin's shirt and his own tears. Just like Jimin, Jungkook felt like he wanted to trade places with Taehyung to help take his pain away.

They went and sat back with the others. It was quiet. Nobody had much to say anymore as their minds reeled with the thought of losing Taehyung. Time stood still with no updates, but they felt like having no update was better than hearing that Taehyung didn't make it.

It had been hours until a doctor finally came in. None of the members moved. Their bodies instantly froze with panic as they waited for the news.

"Please tell me he's-" Namjoon started, but he didn't finish his sentence as he stared at the doctor waiting for confirmation.

"Going to be alright?" the doctor replied. "Yes. Taehyung is stable. There were complications and he lost a lot of blood, but we were able to get him blood transfusions. He is currently sleeping, but he's in the clear now."

The members shouted in joy as they hugged each other. This was the best news they could have ever received.

"Can we see him?!" Jungkook begged.

The doctor said yes but to be aware that Taehyung was going to be asleep for a long time.

"Asleep is better than dead!" Yoongi was the first to make his way out of the waiting room to Taehyung's room.

They all entered hesitantly and slowly, somewhat afraid of seeing Taehyung in the same state he was in the last time they had entered his room.

However, this time was much different. It was quiet. Peaceful. The steady beeping of machines and low buzz of the computer was the only noise in the room.

No more crying or screaming. Taehyung looked like he was getting some great sleep. He had a little oxygen tube going up his nose and was connected to a heart monitor. The members watched it's steady rhythm and were glad to know it was Taehyung's heart that was still beating.

His arm was wrapped up in bandages, covering a multitude of stitches. They could see some bruises poking out from underneath the white fabric.

Jungkook walked up to him and caressed his cheek with the back of his fingers. "Oh, Taehyung," he whispered.

The members stayed at his bedside, unwilling to leave him. Their hearts were heavy knowing that he had been in so much pain that none of them were this aware of to the point where he tried to take his own life. They couldn't help but all feel as though they had failed him.

Jungkook still kept repeating that he should have done something. It was clear he was feeling this more deeply than anyone thought humanly possible.

It took a few days, but when Taehyung's eyes finally opened, the members hearts exploded. They were finally getting their brother back.

"Taehyungie!" Jimin cheered at the first sight of Taehyung's eyes.

Taehyung was dazed and confused, but slowly started to remember what happened.

"I'm alive?" he asked out loud.

Yoongi smiled. "Yeah, kiddo. You're alive."

Taehyung closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Oh, thank God."

"You're telling us. We thought we lost you." The sadness instantly reformed in Hobi's expression. He walked over and rubbed Taehyung's chest. "Why did you do that, Tae?"

It took him a few minutes to gain his composure before speaking up on the matter. He decided he didn't want to carry this hurt alone anymore. He had six others who were willing to help him carry it so it would no longer be so heavy.

"I didn't mean to hurt any of you. Or myself," Taehyung started. He explained how his spiral into depression started as everyone listened intently. When he mentioned not eating they couldn't help but feel guilty having not noticed, except for Jungkook who had been somewhat aware. He also apologized to Jungkook for breaking his promise.

He became an open book. He told them every thought and feeling he had until they were all in tears hearing about the demons he was fighting all on his own. Namjoon pulled him into a hug. "You know you always have us. And always will."

"I know," Taehyung replied. He explained why he hadn't gone to them. How the hate online made him feel like if those people hated him his members probably did too.

"I can assure you that that's a ridiculous assumption," Jin stated.

He went on to explain why he was hurting himself, and how he panicked the moment he realized he might actually be dying and there was nothing he could do. "I was so scared. I realized I didn't really want to die. All I could do was scream for help."

And that's where the story ended. The members continuously hugged him, expressing their love for him and how scared they had been when they thought they had lost him. They also started giving him a pep talk about how he can't listen to the anti's online and the things they had to say.

"It's no reflection of who you really are," Yoongi informed. "And millions of people love you."

"But I love you the most," Jungkook added.

"No you don't. I do," Jimin argued. Soon all of them stood before Taehyung fighting over who loved him more. The boy in the hospital bed couldn't help but smile. He couldn't believe he almost lost all of this over a regretful mistake. He apologized to them for what he'd done and how he never did it to hurt them.

"All that matters right now is you healing," Namjoon said.

And that's exactly what the band chose to focus on.

---

It had been 2 months since Taehyung tried to take his life.

His room had been well cleaned up, erasing all traces of that terrible day. He even got to pick out his new bedroom door. His stitches had finally been removed, leaving behind scars that were now part of a story he had been able to live to tell.

The members were taking a break from band activities in order to focus on Taehyung's mental health. They spoiled the hell out of him. Whatever he wanted, he got.

The members also made sure that Taehyung was going to very rigorous therapy. He was going three times a week, and it seemed to be helping him quite a lot. He was happy and giggly like he used to be. He was eating well again.

Jungkook knew this for sure, because he would sit there and watch Taehyung until he was done with his plate. He would also make sure Taehyung wasn't taking any trips to the bathroom after eating, in which Taehyung never had the desire to do that anymore.

He was also coming a long way from allowing people's hurtful words online to effect him. He realized there were always going to be people who had their opinions, but Yoongi had been right. It doesn't reflect who he really is.

Sometimes he would have nightmares about having died that night, but when he'd wake up and see one of his members curled up sleeping next to him, which they took turns doing, he was snapped back into reality.

He also started some medication for his depression, but Yoongi was in charge of it. The members were still fearful of Taehyung trying something behind their backs, despite his remorse. Yoongi held on to the medication and only gave it to Taehyung at the times the prescription called for.

Thankfully Taehyung had no problem with that, because he no longer had ulterior motives about his life.

For the first time in what felt like forever, he was happy. He realized if he had died that night he would have missed out on so much happiness that was waiting for him on the other side.

It had been a long and difficult journey, but he realized he was never in this alone.

Everything may have fallen apart, but with his members and ARMY by his side, he watched as all of the pieces of what he thought was a shattered life were being put right back together.

[The End]

[🛑New Requests Closed🛑]