Gerard's POV

The antidepressants helped in the sense that I didn't fall back into my self-imposed silence, and they did make the crushing weight of Elena's death easier to deal with, but I still didn't like them.

I felt off when I took them - fuzzy and not quite there. They tuned down my sadness, but they also lowered my happiness too, until I was residing in a numb state that I was beginning to loathe.

I didn't really enjoy anything, even being with Frank had lost that spark it always had, not that I didn't appreciate his company. I just wasn't interested in going out on dates or cuddling; sex had also lost its appeal - much to Frank's disappointment.

I had told Frank about how I was feeling, and he understood what I meant. He said it sounded similar to how he had been when we were separated; he shut off all of his emotions until he couldn't feel anything, and even though he was functioning, he wasn't really living.

We decided to wean me off of them slowly, with Dr. Stump's approval of course. He agreed with what we wanted to do, so I lowered the dosage each week, until I was off the pills completely.

Thankfully I dealt with it very well, the return of my emotions was a bit hard to manage at first, but it was so much better than how I had been feeling when I was on the pills, so I welcomed it eagerly; pushing down all the sadness and trying to enjoy the good things.

Frank had returned to work now that I was functioning again, and I was motivated to find my own job since I finally had my degree. I had applied to a bunch of places, and I had an interview next week with Cartoon Network as an illustrator, which was basically my dream job. I didn't know if I would get it or not, but it felt good to get myself out there and start a normal routine again.

I had one lingering regret that was bothering me though, and I was determined to fix it before it brought me down again.

I had never truly said goodbye to Elena; I hadn't visited her in the hospital, I hadn't spoken at her funeral, and I hadn't gone to see her grave. I knew it was too late to do anything about most of that now, but I still wanted to go and apologize to her, even though Frank assured me that she understood.

Still - he supported me completely when I told him I wanted him to take me to her grave so I could finally say my last words to her. We still didn't have enough money saved up to buy another car, and I kind of liked having Frank chauffeur me around; driving had always stressed me out, and he told me he didn't mind at all.

We set out on a beautiful Friday afternoon; Frank was off today and he had insisted on coming with, just in case I had another breakdown. He was so protective of me it was adorable, I didn't find it smothering at all because I knew he was just worried about me, and I felt blessed knowing that he cared so much.

By the time we pulled up in front of the cemetery, my nerves were firing up; I had angry butterflies bouncing around in my stomach, and my hands were shaking slightly.

I didn't know why I was feeling this way, I had mostly made my peace with Elena's death, and it wasn't like she was actually going to be here; it was only her physical body that resided under the ground, but I couldn't stop my negative reaction to being here.

"You okay baby?" Frank asked quietly, and I realized I still hadn't moved out of the car, even though he had parked about a minute ago.

"Yeah...I'm okay," I sighed out, clutching the bundle of lilies I had purchased earlier in my hands. They had always been Elena's favorite flower, so I wanted to place some on her grave among the traditional roses.

"I can go with you if you want?" Frank offered warily. We had agreed earlier today that he would wait in the car, because I had wanted to do this on my own, but now I wasn't so sure of my decision.

"Do you think you could walk with me?" My voice wavered as I spoke, and I cursed myself for becoming such a wreck over what was basically nothing.

"Yeah love, of course." Frank exited the car and quickly walked over to my side, holding his hand down to me, and I gratefully took it.

We strode through the cemetery gates, and I glanced around at the mass amounts of graves surrounding us. Cemeteries had always creeped me out for some reason, even though they were kind of beautiful in a depressing way.

It just made me so sad to think about all the people buried here who I would never know. The rows stretched on forever until they passed beyond my sight, and I hadn't realized how many graves this cemetery held. They all had families and loved ones that missed them, or maybe they didn't, and they were forgotten once they had passed.

Death was a scary thought to me now that I had actually lost someone close to me. Even when I had wanted to kill myself in high school, I had never truly considered the consequences. Being on the other side of things was terrible, and I was so glad that Frank had saved me before I could hurt Mikey and my mother with my own selfishness.

Death had always seemed so foreign a concept to me before I lost Elena, but now I worried about it constantly. What if I lost Mikey...or my mom...or Frank? I knew that accidents happened every day, but I couldn't even imagine my life without them in it, and I tried to soak up every moment I had with them, just in case they left me like Elena did - not that she had a choice in the matter.

"Where'd you go Gee?" Frank nudged me slightly, pulling me out of my morbid thoughts.

"Sorry I kind of spaced out there," I blushed slightly. We were about halfway into the cemetery by now, and Frank had stopped walking completely.

"Her grave is in that row over there." Frank pointed in the right direction, and now I recognized the familiar patch of ground where Elena was buried. I had only been here once on the day of the funeral, and I had been pretty out of it the entire time.

"Thanks Frankie," I whispered as he gave my hand a reassuring squeeze.

"I'll be right here if you need me okay?" I nodded in understanding before continuing forward on my own, trying to force my shaking legs to keep walking, even though they were threatening to give out underneath me.

I eventually reached the tombstone adorned with multiple bunches of roses and other flowers that I couldn't name. I reached out a trembling hand and stroked the engraving lovingly, feeling the warm marble underneath my fingertips.

Elena Lee Rush

Loving mother and grandmother

She will be forever missed

I placed the bouquet of lilies directly in front of the white tombstone, which I knew would eventually turn grey with age, but right now it was pristine and shining, which only served to remind me that it hadn't been that long at all since she had passed.

"Hey grandma..." I choked out, trying to recall all the words I wanted to say to her, but they were getting tangled up in my head.

I sank to my knees slowly, running my hands back and forth over the fresh grass to give me something to do.

"I miss you...a lot, but I'm slowly getting over it. I'm sorry for being such a wreck after you died - I just kind of lost it." I chuckled to myself quietly, even though the situation wasn't funny at all, but it felt good to be able to laugh at it.

"I wanted to apologize for not showing up to say goodbye to you properly, I should have been there for you at the hospital..." I trailed off again, fighting down the lump that had risen in my throat.

"You know I love you though right? I will never stop...I just need to try and move on and fix my own life. I know that's what you would want of me, but I just had to tell you that I will never forget you." I couldn't speak any longer, I had said almost everything I had planned out anyway.

I tried to hold back my tears, but they overflowed my eyes without my consent. They didn't hurt as badly as usual though, instead they felt sort of cleansing, as though I was finally shedding off the shroud that had been covering me ever since Elena's death.

I don't know how long I sat there in front of her grave, crying my eyes out while the sun shown down on me, but eventually I felt a familiar pair of arms encircling me, and I relaxed instantly into Frank's hold.

"It's okay love...it's gonna be okay," Frank cooed softly, rocking me back and forth in a soothing manner.

I turned around so I could bury my face in his shoulder, sobbing quietly against his t-shirt as he rubbed small circles across my back.

Frank began to hum under his breath, and I raised my tear stained face to meet his eyes.

"Sing for me?" I asked softly. I had discovered Frank had an amazing voice when I had gone through my period of silence; he had taken to singing to fill the quiet air of our apartment, and I had fallen in love with his voice, even though he insisted that mine was better, but I didn't agree.

"Okay," Frank agreed, humming a few more chords before be broke into song.

So many stars in the sky

And I don't why

They always have to fall on me

-

Maybe I'm blind to all of the signs

That the world never wanted me

-

I went outside today

Hoping the sun would burn my face

I went outside today

Hoping I'd feel something

-

My body's weak

It gave up on me

This time I don't think I'm gonna get out from what I'm underneath

It's hard to believe another day of rain has come and gone

-

Don't go she said

I wouldn't mind but I'm cold inside

I've felt this bad for so long

That I'm scared I'm fine

-

Save room for me in memories

I'd love to always be a small part of what makes you smile

From time to time just thing of me and be glad I'm home

-

Let's close our eyes

We've got time to make each other cry

It's best his way

I'm used to being left behind

-

I remember a time when I felt so unlike me

I remember a time when someone could love me

I remember when I still felt alive

-

Don't go she said

I wouldn't mind but I'm cold inside

I've felt so bad for so long

I'm scared I'm fine...

"Did you write that?" I asked when Frank had stopped singing, because I had never heard it before.

"Yeah I did...back when I lost you. I never had the guts to actually sing it until now though."

"Frank..." I gasped out, he had stricken me speechless by sharing this with me. Frank wasn't the most open person in the world, and he hardly ever talked about the years we had been apart.

"It gets better though Gee, I promise."

"I think you are right. Thank you Frankie."

I snuggled deeper into Frank's arms, content to just sit here for a little while longer. I knew all of my internal wounds weren't going to magically heal, but I felt one thousand times better already, and I sensed that coming to Elena's grave had been a big step for me in my recovery.

"Goodbye grandma..." I whispered so softly that Frank didn't hear me, pressing my hand into the earth underneath me in a final farewell.

Well I am not really happy with this chapter, but I sort of forgot what I originally had planned out, so this happened instead.

I have had a crazy week at work, but I am on vacation now, so I am going to try and finish this story by the end of the week.

This chapter is dedicated to PriestCyanide because they always get excited when I update and it makes me happy.

My question of the day is...did you guys freak out over the whole MCR thing that happened today? I honestly didn't. I mean I really don't think they are going to get back together anytime soon, and even though I would love it if they did - they all seem so happy with their solo stuff and it seemed like the band was tearing them apart at the end, and I don't want that to happen to them again. It still hurt my heart though.

Btw if any of you read Pyre, I have updated that as well, but Wattpad didn't notify anyone because it got set on private.

((((updating vibes))))

<3 starr