"Hey Gerard, long time no see," Dr. Stump greeted me when I stepped into his office nervously.

"Yeah..." I stammered out, taking a seat in the cushy chair in front of his desk.

"So how are things - everything going okay with Frank?" he asked casually. That was one of the reasons I loved Dr. Stump, he remembered everything I told him, even if I hadn't been to see him in ages, and he was easy to talk to, even though I wasn't sure how he could help me with my current dilemma.

"Yeah everything is perfect with him, he has a job now and he's been clean for months," I smiled proudly.

"That's amazing," Dr. Stump exclaimed happily.

"Yeah it really is," I trailed off awkwardly, not quite sure how to bring up the fact that I didn't have a perfect track record anymore.

"So if everything is going so well with him, why did you ask to come see me today?" he pressed gently, and I swallowed hard, trying to force the words past the growing lump in my throat.

"It's my grandma...she's sick...with cancer." That was the first time I had actually managed to say the hateful word that I had been trying so hard to avoid.

"And this is the grandmother you are close to I assume?" Dr. Stump pressed me gently.

"Yeah...I don't even know my other grandma, I can't even remember if I ever met her, and it wouldn't matter anyway; if my dad didn't want to be a part of our lives, then she wouldn't either."

"When did you find this out?" Dr. Stump continued to question me, and I needed the prodding because this will still hard to talk about.

"Just last week, but apparently she has been sick for a long time, years actually." I still couldn't believe I had been clueless the entire time, and even though I understood why my mother chose to keep this information from me, I wished she hadn't, because then I would have had eight years to deal with this knowledge, instead of trying to process it all in the span of a week.

"How did you react when you found out?" I sighed loudly, but I knew I had to tell him, or this whole session would be pointless.

"I ran away, I just stormed out of my mom's house and took off. I ended up on a shitty side of town and...I drank again. Actually I got completely shit faced. I passed out in a random park, Frank had to come find me and bring me home." I hung my head in shame, not wanting to meet Dr. Stump's eyes.

"Why did you turn back to alcohol when you haven't touched it in so long?" His tone wasn't patronizing or condescending, like most people's would be, instead it was simply curious.

"I didn't want to believe what my mother had told me, I wanted to pretend like everything was fine, because it wasn't, fuck - it felt like everything was crumbling down around me, so I thought if I could forget, even just for a little while, I would be okay. I realize now that it was a stupid idea, but I panicked, and I wish I could take it back, but I can't..."

"Have you drank since that night?"

"No, and I don't want to. I hate the way I can't seem to control myself when I drink, and I don't want Frank to have to see me like that ever again." And I really didn't, even though I was terrified by the thought of losing Elena, I didn't want to spiral out of control, not when I had been doing so well.

"I'm proud of you Gerard," Dr. Stump informed me, but I just scoffed rudely.

"Frank said the same thing, and I don't understand why. I fucked up, I'm pathetic. I mean look at me...I am a twenty-five year old who is acting like a child. You shouldn't be complimenting me."

"Have the voices come back Gerard?" His question caught me off guard, because they had, but the fact that he picked up on it so quickly startled me.

"Yeah...how did you know?"

"You only talk about yourself in such a negative way when they are present, and you forget that I have known you for eight years, I can tell when something is wrong better than you can."

"Oh." I shrugged my shoulders slightly.

"You just need to remember that what they are telling you isn't true. This is the first time in your life that you have been subjected to a potential death, and that is a very scary thing to face. Everyone deals with it differently, so I am not going to tell you what to do, or how you should be acting, but I don't want your depression to return because of this."

"I don't either...that's why I came, but I'm so afraid that it will. I mean - I am already about to break and she is still with us, how am I going to survive when she is gone?" I needed him to tell me how to save myself, and even though I was aware that he didn't have a magic cure for this pain, I wanted to believe that he did.

"If it does come to that, you just can't let your mind overwhelm you. Don't close yourself away like you did in high school. Reach out for help, tell people how you are feeling. I know Frank and your mother would do anything for you, and if you need it, I can prescribe antidepressant pills for you as well, but you have been doing so well without them that I hope it doesn't come to that."

"I don't want to lose her...I'm not ready."

"We never are, and it sucks, death isn't something that is ever easy to bear, no matter when it comes, but it is a part of life, and it makes everything more precious, because if we lived forever, we wouldn't appreciate what we have nearly as much. I'm sure that isn't helpful to you at all, but this is one of those situations where words can't fix everything, but if it means anything at all to you, I am sorry." Dr. Stump clasped me on the shoulder reassuringly, and a small smile stretched across my face.

"Thanks, and it actually did help a little bit."

"Well our time is up for today, but come back and see me if things get any worse okay?" Dr. Stump stood up from behind his desk and I copied his motions.

"I will, hopefully it won't, but I have a feeling I will be back here soon." I grimaced to myself.

"It will be okay in the end Gerard, I know it doesn't seem that way right now, but trust me, this is coming from someone who knows." I wanted to ask him who he had lost, but I could tell from the look on his face that he didn't want to discuss it, which didn't exactly give credence to his words.

"Okay...I'll be sure to call you soon." I waved at Dr. Stump before exiting his small office and heading toward where Frank had parked the car. He had insisted on driving me to this appointment, and I couldn't deny him such a simple thing, especially when I knew he was worried I might take off again.

As I approached the car, I smiled to myself when I caught sight of Frank. He had leaned the seat back, and I could hear him blaring music from here; he was air drumming along to it dramatically, and he looked so fucking adorable right now that I just wanted to kiss him senseless.

He sat up when I opened the car door, gracing me with a smile before turning the music down to a more suitable volume for conversation.

"Hey baby, how did it go?"

"Okay I guess, I didn't have a mental breakdown, so that's something." I tried to laugh, but it fell flat.

"What did Dr. Stump have to say? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," Frank assured me as he started the car and pulled out of the parking lot.

"He was just worried about me, and he told me to come back if anything gets worse. He said a lot, but basically I realized that there is nothing anyone can say, or do, that is going to make this all go away. Even when I lost you, I knew that you were still out there, and I never gave up hope that I would find you again eventually, but this is different."

"It is...and I wish it wasn't, more than anything I want to take this all away from you, but I can't," Frank sighed heavily.

"You being here is helping more than you know." I didn't want to burden Frank with this, but fuck - I needed him, and I had no chance of making it through this unscathed without him.

"I'm here for you love, don't ever forget that," Frank whispered quietly, and my heart swelled at his words.

"I won't," I promised.

Because how could I ever forget after everything he had already done for me; from tracking me down when I lost all control, to coordinating his work schedule with my schooling so I wouldn't be alone more than absolutely necessary, and even to simple things like this, just driving me to my appointment and letting me know he was right outside if I needed him meant the world to me.

Deep down though, I was frightened that it wouldn't be enough, even with Frank's constant support. I was on the tipping edge of falling back into my depression, and the scales were not weighted in my favor. I couldn't tell Frank how close I was to falling though - not yet, I could hold my head above water for a little bit longer at least.

I just wanted everything to go back to the way it was before I knew about this, back when I was happy, back when I thought I would never suffer like this again. I knew that wasn't a realistic expectation, everyone goes through ups and downs in their lives, but I had already been through so much, and even though I had recovered - mostly, I didn't realize how truly cracked my foundation was until just now.

It left me to wonder if I would ever really be mentally healthy, because it had taken me eight years to bounce back from the horrors of my high school years, and I didn't know if I could do that again, or if Frank would put up with me for that long.

But I didn't want to waste time pondering what ifs right now, it wasn't helping anything, and I needed to enjoy every moment I had left in which Elena was still living, and I wouldn't let my own troubles take away from her. She was the true victim here - not me, even if I was acting like one, and I wanted to focus on the good while I was still able to.

I am just waiting for this random burst of writing inspiration to go away, but it hasn't yet, so here is another chapter for all of you lovely people.

This chapter wasn't the best, but I have a major migraine and I had to write this in small chunks, which I don't really like to do, but because I worked all day I didn't really have a choice.

This chapter is dedicated to kjs692000 because they have been keeping up with a lot of my stories and I love all your comments and votes ^_^

((((updating vibes))))

<3 starr