Chapter One:
I Am Hopeless

I am hopeless.

I cut, drank, burnt, I did anything to relieve the pain that was building up within me. Every smile and laugh I made was fake. Everyday, I was told that I was an idiot, a lost cause, worthless. Everyday, I got screamed at.

Everyday, I got worse.

I had clinical depression. A very serious case, according to my therapist that Geoff makes me see once a week. But the way I saw it... I was just wanting to get life over with.

I wanted to die. I had no reason to live. No reason to continue dwelling in this sad excuse of a life. No reason to get out of bed each day and see the light that seemed to be getting duller day after day. I had no reason to be doing the things I did each day.

Geoff always told me that I just needed to listen to my therapist and try to get better. He constantly tries to get me to leave the apartment and hang out with the AH guys. I never do. Which meant he never does either. Ever since the day he caught me downing a bottle of pills in the bathroom, he never left me home alone.

•••

I stared at myself in the mirror. At my horrendous, terrifying self. Tears poured out of my eyes, creating a tear streaked image of myself. My hair was a mess, a bigger mess than usual. My shirt was stained in the blood that still dripped out of my wrists.

I looked down at the waiting pill bottle. Attempt number three. If this doesn't work, then I'll have to resort to some messier method. I popped open the top and shook out as many pills as possible. I remembered the first pill I took. I used to hate the feeling of it going down my throat but now, I had a sick fascination with it. I looked at the handful of pills and quickly shoved them in my mouth.

The door opened, and Geoff looked at me curiously. When he saw the blood, tears and pills he knew exactly what I was attempting to do. He rushed over to me, screaming at me to spit the pills out. I didn't listen.

Geoff then pried open my mouth and physically scooped the remaining pills out of my mouth. I hit, punched, bit. I wanted to die and he wasn't letting me do that.

Griffon had walked in and saw Geoff holding me down as I screamed and cried uncontrollably. She had called 911 and they took me away.

I spent the night in the hospital. Geoff didn't tell any of the guys about what had happened, but he defiantly kept a close eye out for me from that point on.

•••

I spent the night in the hospital that night. Geoff didn't tell any of the guys about what had happened, but he defiantly kept a close eye out for me from that point on.

Now, I laid in my bed with the lights off and the door closed. I didn't move, I didn't cry. I just laid there. I knew Geoff was right across the hall with his door open. I knew Griffon and Heidi were downstairs making dinner.

Which was another thing, Griffon and Geoff thought it would be better if I didn't hang around Heidi while I was having one of my 'episodes'. I understood why. It would probably scare her if she saw me like this. I knew she looked up to me to be the hilarious 'uncle Gavin' she expected me to be.

I heard a knock on my door and Griffon gradually walked in. She sat on the edge of my bed and and stroked my hair in a motherly manner. I really needed to get a haircut.

"Dinners ready. Do you want to eat it in here or with us?" Griffon asked me.

"In here. I'm not feeling quite right. I don't want Heidi to see me like this," I whispered to Griffon. She nodded sadly before leaving my room again.

She returned with my food and set it down next to me. She gave me an encouraging smile and waited for me to take a bite.

I took a feeble bite and she smiled and left the room. I shoved the rest across my bed and continued to gaze into the darkness. It wasn't like Griffon was a bad cook. Or that Heidi screwed up the recipe. It was the fact that I didn't have an appetite anymore. I haven't for a long time. Perhaps even when this whole depression thing started. They still made sure I ate, but I was no more than skin and bones at this point.

When I flushed the rest of the food down the toilet, I carried my plate to the kitchen. I had made sure my appearance was good enough to pass off as me being extremely tired. Geoff and Griffon gave me a sad smile but Heidi leapt from her chair and attacked my legs in a hug. I gave her a painful fake smile and hugged her back.

"Uncle Gavin! I haven't seen you all day! Where have you been?" She asked curiously.

Trying to get rid of the pain, love.

"I've been working on some things for your dad," I told her. She smiled and nodded before hugging me again and returning to her seat.

Geoff gave me a look that said he needed to talk to me later, when Heidi wasn't around. I already knew what it was about.

After Geoff found out about my attempts of suicide he made a weekly chore for himself. He would literally tear my room apart looking for knives, pills, lighters, razors, anything that I could use to harm myself. I had tried to hide them best I could, but he always found them. I eventually found a spot he never checked and never would check, which was in a secret hole I had created that he didn't know about. For all of you who have a dirty mind out there, that's not what I meant. It was hole I had cut into the wall where I kept all my knives and lighters. I would cover the hole up with the piece I cut out and nobody would ever be able to tell that there was a hole.

I returned to my room and made sure the hole was blocked up as usual. It was and I laid back down on my bed. I looked over at my phone and decided to check some things. When I turned it on, I noticed that Michael had texted me.

Oh... Michael. Probably the only thing in this world keeping me alive. Even though he was one of the centers for my pain, he still made me crazy when I thought about him. Too bad he was with Lindsay. He deserved so much better. I had caught Lindsay making out with Joel in a supply closet at work and ever since then, I gave Lindsay glares and showed her the cold shoulder. Michael deserved the absolute best, and Lindsay wasn't giving him that.

I read the message and felt myself get a little giddy by what it read.

Gavin, I know it's late but I kinda need someone right now. I just caught Lindsay and Joel having sex. I broke up with her and beat Joel up.

So, he finally found out. Poor Michael, he was probably hurting pretty bad. Him and Lindsay had been together for quite a long time.

Although, Lindsay didn't deserve him. Hell, I'm sure she only dated Michael for the popularity it would bring. And his money.

I quickly texted him back telling him that he could come over. He texted back saying he was coming and I dashed to the bathroom, fluffing my hair and putting on some of Griffon's make up to hide the dark circles under my eyes. She wouldn't mind. Hell, everyday she offered to put some on me before I went to work.

I looked much better than what I did before. I slipped on a hoodie and pulled on a baggy pair of sweatpants to hide my skinniness and numerous scars and cuts. I walked back downstairs and Geoff and Griffon looked up at me, surprised that I left my room without prompt.

"I was about to come up, Gav. What's up?" Geoff asked. I looked to the floor and saw Heidi sitting there, playing. I put on a fake smile for her.

"Michael's coming over. I think you should talk to him with me," I told Geoff and Griffon. I motioned for the kitchen to show we shouldn't be discussing this in front of Heidi.

When we entered the kitchen, out of earshot, Griffon immediately asked the question I was waiting for.

"What's going on?" Griffon asked.

"Michael and Lindsay broke up. He caught Lindsay having sex with Joel," I whispered to them. Griffon and Geoff gave me a shocked look.

"I'll put Heidi to bed. He's probably gonna be upset," Griffon said. She walked out of the kitchen and into the living room.

"You sure you'll be okay to talk to him?" Geoff asked me. I shrugged and sighed.

"You have an appointment tomorrow. You'll be fine until then, right?" Geoff asked. I shrugged again.

The appointments never helped. To be honest, they were paying that guy for nothing. I felt bad about bleeding there money, but I told them numerous times that I didn't need a therapist. They didn't listen, of course.

Griffon walked back into the room and looked over at me.

"Heidi wants you to tuck her in, Gavin," Griffon told me. I looked at Geoff and he nodded for me to go do it.

I walked in the living room and saw Heidi standing by the couch. She yawned and I picked her up and carried her back upstairs.
"Now you pick out what you want to wear to bed and then I'll help you, okay?" I smiled at her. She giggled and started rummaging through her dresser until she found something. It wasn't exactly something you'd wear to bed, but hey, I used to wear dumb things to bed.

I helped her put them on and I pulled back the covers. I lifted her up and tucked her into the bed. She yawned again, making me yawn. She giggled at that and I sat down on the edge of the bed, knowing she'd want to talk about stuff.

"Gavin, how big is the world?" She asked me. I gave a small fake smile to her and pretended to think for a moment.

"As big as you'd want it to be. But, if you want the scientific answer, the circumference is about 40,000 kilometers. Or um... 24,000 something miles," I told her. She gazed at me in amazement and wonder.

"How did you know that?" She asked me.

"I've told you this ten times," I reminded her.

"Well, I forgot," She said. I sighed.

"Before I came to work with your dad, I went to college to be a biologist. Or a scientist that gets to study things about life," I reminded her. She smiled and nodded.

"I want to be a biologist," She said. She mispronounced the word but it was adorable none the less.

"Well, I'll be right here to teach you anything you'd like," I told her.

I heard her door open and I looked back. Geoff stood there with a sad smile. I already knew that Michael was here so I stood up. I kissed Heidi's head and Geoff came over and did the same thing.

"Good night, sweetie," Geoff said before turning the light out and closing the door.

"How is he?" I asked frantically. Geoff shook his head.

"Not good. Come on," Geoff told me. I felt my heart drop and I followed him downstairs.

Michael sat on the couch with Griffon. Griffon was hugging him while he cried and I watched her as she ran her hand up and down his back in a soothing gesture.

He almost looked as broken as me. Of course, nobody could ever be that broken.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Author's Note:
Okay! So anyway, new story! Someone actually said I should write this so, I'm writing it! I have a lot of depressing feelings pent up inside me and I feel like this story can make me get those feelings out. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy! I don't know how long it's gonna be but If you've read my stories, then you probably know. Anyway, please leave feedback!

Edit:::::

I'm making a few tweaks to this story and Mending A Broken Soul. Figured it was about time. The main story will remain the same but I'm just trying to make this sound (and look) a little more professional. Also, I changed some names to respect Geoff's wishes.