This book is dedicated to those who say that "you should just enjoy it" and to anyone who is victim-blaming.

Daniel

I couldn't see much. The only streetlight that was on the bridge was not close to me, and the clouds were hiding the moonlight. But I could make out the dark water running underneath me. I felt the concrete of the railing eat away at my skin as I gripped it harder, but instead of moving I let my shoulders slump and exhaled with a sob.

The lights of a car flashed as someone drove closer to the bridge. They were briefly on me and then they were gone. They drove off and I was left in the darkness alone.

I brought my arm up and silently wiped away the tears and rain from my face. A shiver travelled down my spine as the pouring got heavier, but I didn't mind it. It didn't matter. My soaking wet clothes didn't matter. The fact that I was cold didn't matter. Nothing mattered.

I took a few calming deep breaths and tried to push away, but in the last second, I hesitated. Once again I saw light to my right and the purring of a motorcycle echoed and then stopped right behind me. I didn't dare turn around. My heart was beating loudly, and I stayed silent, hoping that the motorcyclist would drive away.

"What are you doing?" a gruff voice asked, making me let out a shaky breath. It was unfamiliar. "Are you gonna jump?"

"Yes?" I replied while pulling my leg up to where I sat on the ledge.

The rain was muffling the person's footsteps, but in a matter of seconds, I could make out their form with my peripheral vision. I tried my hardest not to turn my head to look.

"God..." the word barely managed to fall off their lips as they saw me a little bit better. They took half a step closer and then slowly offered me a gloved hand. "My name's Ev".

I said nothing. I turned my head to the water again. And I tried to push away again. But I couldn't. I let out a pained breath. Why couldn't I? I turned one of my hands into a fist and hit it against the cement ledge, the jolt of pain that the impact caused going through me immediately. I sobbed.

"Are you hungry?" Ev asked, having moved just a hair's breadth away closer to me. "Because if you are, I know this amazing pizzeria that's really close. I can take you there. It's really warm..." Ev went on.

"Why are you still here?" I asked, finally turning my head to them.

I really couldn't see much. Ev wore dark clothes and a leather jacket. Black hair covered their eyes and I could barely make out some tattoos on their neck.

"Because I don't want to know someone who died today".

I don't want to die today.

"My name's Daniel," I said, at last taking the hand that was still extended toward me.

"So... how about that pizza?"

I didn't hold their hand for too long. I let go and felt my stomach growl. My eyes moved down to the water again. The rain hadn't let up, but it hadn't gotten worse either. Eventually, I gave in to my stomach's demands, and slowly turned around and set my feet on the bridge again.

I saw Ev ease as I came to stand and look at them. A hint of a smile danced on their lips and then Ev climbed onto the motorcycle and looked at me expectantly. I hesitated, but then eventually I took a deep breath and climbed on behind them.

"Hold on, Daniel," Ev said and as soon as I had my arms tightly around their waist, they drove off.

The drive wasn't long, and it wasn't because Ev drove fast. The pizzeria was really close. It was a small establishment with just a handful of booths and fluorescent lights. The neon lights over the door read "Leonidas's Pizza". Unsure, I turned to look at Ev.

I could tell more about Ev now with the lights. Firstly, Ev was a guy. And his hair wasn't black, as I had thought, but very dark purple. My eyes went down to his neck, to the tattoos I thought I had seen. Some letters did peek out from the neckline of his shirt, I couldn't make out what it wrote though. The silver piercings on his lower lip caught my attention next. Two rings on the right side of it.

"Are we going inside?" he asked. I flinched at the sound of him and then nodded. I forgot how rough his voice had been. With him walking in front of me we entered the pizzeria, the smell of tomato sauce and burned cheese immediately invading my nostrils. "Oi, Leonidas!" Ev yelled out, making me flinch again.

"Ev?" someone called and came out from the back of the establishment. "What're you doing here, mate?" a man in his mid-fifties asked, quickly glancing at me. His accent didn't sound British.

"Was craving one of your pizzas," Ev said and leaned against the counter.

"The usual?" Leonidas asked.

"You mind peppers?" Ev asked me. I lowered my gaze, as both men turned to look at me, and just shook my head, not daring to speak up. "The usual then," Ev said looking back at Leonidas.

Without another word, Leonidas turned back to the kitchen and probably started preparing our order. Ev gave me a look and then went to sit at one of all the empty booths. Part of me was glad there was no one else here. Silently, I followed him and sat down opposite of him. He looked at me for a second and then pushed his wet hair back, as to not have it in his eyes. The glimmering silver piercing on his left eyebrow drew my eyes up to it.

"How old are you?" he asked, a few moments after just looking at me.

"Eighteen," I replied with a small voice. There was disbelief in his dark blue eyes, but he seemed to swallow his doubts.

"Turned twenty-three a couple of weeks ago," he said. "You must be freezing..." he noted, seeing as my thin sweater was completely soaked.

"I'm fine". He smacked his lips.

"One bad move nullifies forty good ones," Ev said after a handful of moments in silence.

"What?" I asked, looking at him confused.

"Bernhard Horwitz. He was talking about chess, but he does have a point," he explained and took off his gloves.

My eyes lingered on his fingers. On his right hand, he had chess pawns tattooed on his fingers, while on his left hand he had tattooed the symbols of a deck of cards. I didn't look at them for too long, not wanting to be rude. I turned my gaze up to him again.

"What you were about to do would have checkmated you," he said and fell back against the booth.

"I don't... I don't know how to play chess..." I softly replied.

"You would have lost," he explained.

I lowered my gaze to my lap, where my hands were. I started scratching the backside of my hand and biting my lip as I thought of what he said.

"But I'm already losing," I said, while still looking at my hands. I heard Ev flick his tongue and he moved and placed both elbows on the table between us.

"Life's not chess. You don't resign when you are in a hopeless position. You start looking for a different angle, a different way to win. You keep on moving," he said, bringing tears to my eyes.

I pulled the sleeves of my sweater down and then brought my hand up to wipe away the tears that were threatening to leave my eyes. Ev silently watched me with a sad and worried expression, but I didn't want to look at him, so I looked at the menu on top of the table.

We stayed silent for a while. Every now and then I would listen in on the soft music that echoed, or the low whistling that came from the kitchen. I didn't know what to do with myself. I just knew I didn't want to look at Ev. I somehow felt as if looking at him would make me cry.

Leonidas came out with our pizza and set it on the table. It smelled delicious. My stomach growled again, but I waited for Ev to take the first piece. I watched as Ev looked at Leonidas, who was still standing by our table and then reached into the pocket of his leather jacket. He pulled out a small bag filled with some herb and handed it to Leonidas. He examined it for a second and then nodded with a smile. Without saying a word, he turned around and went back to the kitchen.

"You deal drugs?" I asked Ev when he reached out and took a piece of the pizza.

"Nah," he said and took a bite. "Leonidas has back pain after surgery on his spine. I just help out," he added after he swallowed.

Part of me wanted to judge him, but I was in no place to judge anyone; for anything. I reached out and took a piece. With the first bite, I knew Ev was right. This was an amazing pizzeria. The warmth of the freshly baked pizza did little to warm me up, but even that was enough. As soon as I was done, I reached for another piece. And then another one.

I could feel Ev's eyes on me, but I tried to ignore them. I didn't want to think about what was on his mind. I didn't want to think about what he wanted to do with me. I shuddered and took my eyes away from the pizza and to the window next to me.

I looked at the flickering street lamp, the little ponds the rain had created and how ripples would form on them as the rain fell. A shop on the other side of the street was long closed, but it was a record store. Or used to be. Or was it?

A chill went down my spine and my gaze moved to the red leather of the booth. It turned foggy and I had to blink a few times only to realise the fog wasn't before me. The music got lower or more distant and I tried to focus on it but couldn't. It couldn't be heard. Not that it mattered. It wasn't real. Couldn't be real...

"Daniel?" Ev called out.

My head slowly moved up and my gaze fell on Ev. He seemed distant. Or maybe I was away. I hadn't moved. I couldn't be away. But Ev wasn't right before me anymore. He moved his head to the side and moved one hand on the table. The hand with the chess pieces. His movements were slow and blurry.

"What's wrong?" he asked, his voice faded and echoing.

"Nothing," I said, my voice sounding strange to my ears.

"Are you done eating? I could take you home..." Ev said, worry in his tone.

"Home?" I muttered, the distant feeling starting to fade.

"Your family must be worried about you."

I lowered my gaze again and started scratching my left forearm. Home. I shook my head. First, making small movements and then getting more intense. No, no, no. Was I saying that out loud?

"I don't have a home. I don't have a family," I managed to rasp, in between shallow breaths.

"Hey, it's okay. We'll figure it out. Don't worry about it," Ev calmly said.

I brought my elbows up to the table and pressed my temples with my hands. Stop thinking. Images flashed before my eyes and I had to close them and take deep breaths. When I opened my eyes, I was shaking and Ev looked horrifyingly worried.

"You're cold," he stated and cleared his throat. "Do you want to go back to my place? I can give you some dry clothes and you can warm up a bit..." he went on.

I was crying again. Or I think I was crying. Something warm was running down my cheeks. It must have been tears. Ever-so-slightly I nodded and slowly Ev put on his gloves. He got up and with small movements, I followed him.

"Thanks for the pizza," Ev called out. I heard Leonidas hum from the other room in response.

Ev opened the door and smiled bitterly at me, as he waited for me to go out in the rain again. I shivered at the coldness and got on the back of the motorcycle again. My arms wrapped around Ev's waist and I buried my face in his shoulder blade. As he started riding it again, I let out a sob and cried harder.

Best case scenario, he kills me.