As long as Jeongguk can remember, he's been fine.

Not good, not bad, but that gray area in-between the two where you're not necessarily both at the same time, you're just okay. Somewhere lost in a place along the good and bad spectrum, and lost in your own head alike.

Because Jeongguk thinks that feeling fine, and being who he is is a huge accomplishment. That if his head doesn't explode, rise off of it's hinges and take everyone around out with him, it'd be a solid Tuesday afternoon in his book. No errors, everything just perfectly mediocre.

When Kim Taehyung walks out of Nam's Family Diner after a prolonged moment of the most awkward eye contact he's ever maintained in his (many) years, Jeongguk is anything but fine.

Jeongguk is a mess.

Taehyung looks down the moment the door swings shut behind him, and sees Jeongguk's figure on the ground. His head is placed between his knees, face in his hands, and Taehyung doesn't miss the way his shoulders softly shake from behind, also doesn't miss the rushed and panicked breaths that escape his mouth into the space where his head is cradled.

It's a relatively quiet night, but he supposes every night is quiet here, a lack of big highways and unnecessarily posh apartment complexes ensuring that the stars are visible too. Taehyung takes a moment and just watches, the sight of a beautiful boy crying with the backdrop of the night sky.

As silently as he can manage, he takes a slow step across the gravel, until he's right behind Jeongguk's crying form. He carefully extends his hand, careful not to touch quite yet, like he's scared Jeongguk will burn him. Like he's scared of touching Jeongguk in general.

He retracts his hand back to his side, and places it in one of his pockets before clearing his throat in the least obnoxious way he can muster.

At the sound, Jeongguk's head lifts up to turn and look back at him, and Taehyung thinks, this, this must be what heartbreak feels like. That thing Elvis sung about, where your chest feels like it's caving, giving way for a hollow shell of a heart that'll take up the space until you learn to heal.

Jeongguk looks heartbroken, but Taehyung's the one who feels it. It punches him in the gut with the way Jeongguk's eyes shine through the tears, his nose red with the slight cold and his cheeks covered in splotches of flush, uneven and uncontrolled. Jeongguk looks controlled by his own mind, unable to break away but he also looks like the most beautiful thing Taehyung's ever seen.

His breath catches in his throat. 

He should say something, because Jeongguk just keeps looking at him. Because he's finding it increasingly hard not to cry himself, and he's not even sure why. Probably the same empathy that saved his life in the form of the eyes that look into his own.

"Are you," he inhales deep when he realizes how breathless his voice sounds, and then he realizes he hasn't breathed for the last two minutes, "are you okay?"

Jeongguk's eyes narrow, and a tear escapes his lash line, trails down his cheek and nestles into the gravel at his feet. His eyebrows scrunch together, and he looks mad, and his voice sounds mad when he bites out, "I'm fine. Fucking fi-"

His voice cracks when he tries to say it for a second time, and before Taehyung can even prepare himself, he feels his own heart being ripped out of his chest. Not like that would matter. He's not even alive, it would just hurt like hell, and somehow this hurts like hell.

Jeongguk's face crumples, and his eyes widen again, until they unfocus, and then his face is buried back in his hands and his shoulders are shaking again, more violently this time, like he's been holding it in for awhile and it's all just now broken through. Taehyung thinks he hears him whisper, "I'm sorry," and immediately rushes forward.

This time, he doesn't retract his hand. He kneels down next to Jeongguk, not minding much when a rock digs into his bones. When his fingers brush Jeongguk's shoulder, he feels so warm, but his voice sounded so cold. Taehyung wonders which his heart is right now, or if it's somewhere in the middle.

"What are you sorry for?" He says, quietly, and Jeongguk doesn't pull his head out from his hands, but he doesn't shove Taehyung's hand away either. If anything, he leans into it, body tilting towards the right slightly to make it so Taehyung's hand can splay out, fingers reaching the edges of his shoulder blade.

He hears what sounds like a whimper, and his stomach tightens. Jeongguk deserves anything but the way he feels right now, yet here Taehyung is, watching him as he pours himself out into the ground and cries until he can't breathe, until he can't think anymore. Taehyung wonders how Jeongguk can ever think at all, with what he goes through.

"I'm," he starts, and his voice still just sounds broken, and slightly muffled by his own arms that cage himself in, "I'm just s-such an asshole-"

"You're not an asshole," Taehyung replies faster than he can even register Jeongguk's words, it just pouring out of him. He lightly rubs his hand up and down, trying to be as comforting as possible without making Jeongguk ask him to take his hand away. Something about Jeongguk makes Taehyung feel the need to touch, to try and reassure in any way he possibly can despite his different outlook on life.

"You don't even know me," Jeongguk's voice is bitter, but Taehyung knows it's not directed towards him so he doesn't move, just lets him continue, "I'm a bad person. I freak out for no reason and I j-just-"

He raises his head from it's position and looks passed Taehyung with tear filled eyes, gaze lingering on the door to the restaurant. He stares at it longingly, and bites down carefully on his bottom lip before more tears start to flow from his eyes, "I just quit my job with practically no grounds-"

"I'm sure you had a reason," Taehyung cuts him off, and Jeongguk rips his eyes away from the door of the diner to finally meet Taehyung's own. There's so much emotion in them that Taehyung almost feels overwhelmed and looks away, but that wouldn't be fair to Jeongguk. Not when he needs someone the way he does, even if he doesn't want the help.

"Yeah, and what would you know about that," he sounds so defeated, but also so angry and sad all at the same time that it makes Taehyung wince, not even from the harshness of the words but from the emotions that sit between them. Jeongguk seems to notice this because then he winces too, and then his head's back in his hands and he's crying and, "See, I'm a fucking asshole-"

"Jeongguk, you're not an asshole. You're human-"

"Am I?" Jeongguk snaps, and Taehyung freezes. He feels called out somehow, like this is his fault for the way Jeongguk feels, or maybe it's his words that have Jeongguk so overwhelmed-

"I'm sorr-"

"I'm sorry."

They both apologize at the same time, and then Jeongguk looks up in surprise, hands clenching fists at his sides when they drop down from his face. Taehyung notices he does that a lot, and he hopes he's not too hard on himself. All too well, he knows the familiar feelings of moons indented in palms, red lining the edges and blurring into tears.

"Why are you sorry?" Jeongguk breaks the momentary silence that Taehyung had been too distracted to even notice, mind so far elsewhere he hardly hears the words. Until he does. And Taehyung's not even sure why he's sorry, just that he is.

"That you have to be put through this," he answers instead, because that seems a bit more adequate, "I'm also just sorry if any of this is my fault."

Jeongguk's face sinks again, but this time it doesn't end in a retort, or Jeongguk's emotions overflowing. Instead, carefully, like he regrets what he's doing as he does it, he curls a hand over Taehyung's own, the one sitting on his shoulder. His hands are warm, and they shake, but Taehyung likes the way it feels touching his.

"It's not like it's your fault," he says, and then he seems to curse under his breath, "the problem is, it's all my fault. All because I can't keep my shit together, or get in control of," he pauses, like what he's about to say is the catalyst of it all, the reason why he just quit his job and now cries in front of the place, body recoiled and defenses meticulously placed, "of my own head."

Taehyung doesn't say anything for a moment afterwards, just keeps moving his thumb carefully, trying not to disturb the feeling of Jeongguk's own thumb slotting over it. Before he knows it there's something bubbling in his spine, his lungs, his heart, and it's anger.

Jeongguk regards the silence as Taehyung having no response, and whispers, "I don't know," like he's unsure of himself, and then discreetly, like he's trying to be subtle about it, starts to lower his hand from it's position.

Taehyung catches it midway to the ground, hand leaving Jeongguk's shoulder entirely, and instead wrapping around his wrist gently.

He looks up from the contact, only to see Jeongguk staring at him, wide confused eyes that still stream with tears, and slightly parted lips that start to say, "Wh-"

"How can they expect that of you," Taehyung speaks brusquely, an anger in his eyes that reflects in his voice, but not in the way he touches Jeongguk. That's all gentle, all careful fingers sliding up his palm and then moving to fit the spaces his own leave open, so their hands are positioned together.

Jeongguk's eyes widen even further at the question, and another tear slips out, but this one's alone. Not accompanied by a string of water, just a tiny slip up that paints the edge of Jeongguk's cheek. A sad one, but a beautiful one.

He looks confused, and he opens his mouth to ask a question, when Taehyung cuts him off.

"I don't understand it," his voice is pleading now, less harsh and more like he's in pain, "How can someone ask for you to control your head, when they do nothing to control their own?"

His words hang for a minute, and then Jeongguk's eyes go back to their normal size. He looks lost, like he's not fully sure what Taehyung's saying, like maybe if he's saying what he thinks he's saying, than Jeongguk doesn't deserve the words, "What do you mean-"

"I mean everyone," his tone is desperate, and god, he really needs to calm down or else he'll start crying too, and he's not sure how sensical that would be, nor how healthy it would be for the both of them to be a mess, "you hear them all the time, right? What they're thinking, what they-"

"Yes," Jeongguk cuts him off solemnly, and Taehyung nods.

"Then they shouldn't be able to get mad at you. For feeling the way you feel, or being confused. They probably get emotional all the time, and it ends up hurting you too."

Jeongguk doesn't know what to say, so he just stares, and feels breathless when Taehyung pulls their interlocked hands to his own chest, pressing the back of Jeongguk's to his breast bone. If he were anyone else, Jeongguk would be able to feel his heartbeat.

But right now, it just feels comforting.

"Taehyung, I-"

"No. I'm not done, I just," he looks so frustrated, and his eyes aren't black, or brown, or anything scary, electrifying, or enamoring, they're just Taehyung, and Jeongguk feels him more lost in them than he's ever been before, and that dream didn't even come close to the real thing because this, this is the real Taehyung.

"It just doesn't make any sense to me. You have to listen to all their faults, all their failings and have the strain put on you, and yet, still," he stops, brushes a thumb over a knuckle when Jeongguk subtly starts crying again, just for a different reason this time, "You still think you're the bad one. That you're not allowed to feel emotions yourself, or have them overwhelm you."

Everything freezes, and Taehyung continues, nose scrunching up at some point like he's trying not to cry, "Which is the most unfair thing I've ever heard. If there's anyone that has a right to be sad or angry, it's you, not them."

Jeongguk feels like his brain is melting, pouring out of his eyes in the form of the water that runs down his face. He's not sure when he started crying again, just that he's sobbing now, and Taehyung's stopped talking and now is looking at him with so much concern in those brown-black eyes.

His shoulders shake violently, and Taehyung clutches onto his hand a bit tighter, and Jeongguk knows that you never really realize you've needed something all your life until you get it, but what Taehyung just told him? He's needed to hear that as far back as he can remember, someone telling him it's okay to not be fine, if anything, it's normal under the circumstances-

"Jeongguk, I'm sorry, did I say something-"

"No," Jeongguk trembles, but manages to get his voice out enough to the point where Taehyung can hear it, clearly, in spite of how quiet it is, "please don't apologize. You," he doesn't even know what to say just that he wishes he could say more, "no one's ever said anything like that to me before."

"Oh," Taehyung's grip loosens on his hand again, and Jeongguk almost asks for him to bring the grounding pressure back, but it's a bit more comforting like this. A hand, loosely draped over his own and intermingling with his fingertips. And then, Taehyung flashes him a small smile, and Jeongguk feels a warmth bubble in his chest that he can't necessarily blame on body heat.

He wills himself to calm down, and then clears his throat through a small smile he hadn't realized was on his face. His lips had mirrored Taehyung's own, accidental, but the smile was still there and Jeongguk still felt okay enough for it to settle.

This time, he finds the place where their hands meet and squeezes a little tighter.

"Thank you," is all he says, all he can think to say, because he really fucking means it. He's grateful to this person, who was there for him when he needed it, when no one else was, and yet, this person isn't even considered a person at all. It makes Jeongguk sad, because Taehyung may be one of the most compassionate people he's ever met, and it's not fake. Not a savior complex.

"Don't thank me."

Jeongguk immediately starts shaking his head, and starts to protest, but Taehyung interuppts, "I've caused you so much trouble. The other night, you could've," he stops himself, but he almost says it, died, and Jeongguk's mind immediately goes back to the dream.

What if you die?

But this isn't a dream. Taehyung's real, and he's here, here for Jeongguk, and he looks vulnerable in a way Jeongguk never thought he'd be allowed to see. Vulnerable without the cloudy haze of a dreamscape.

And Taehyung continues, "you could've been hurt. Technically you were, but, I mean seriously, and I just," he pauses again, and his eyes close, and he looks pained but he still holds Jeongguk's hand close to his chest, right atop where his heart would be thumping at the contact, and then his eyes open, and they find Jeongguk's.

"I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself if you got hurt, and it was my fault," he sighs as he says it, and Jeongguk feels breathless again.

They make wordless eye contact for a moment, and Jeongguk seems to remember where they are, looking behind him at the diner and remembering everything that just happened inside of it, everything he felt, but then he looks back at Taehyung. And he just feels kind of relieved.

Taehyung has guilt in his eyes, something that makes Jeongguk's heart tighten. Right now, he wishes he could read his mind, find the doubt and cure it despite how little he really knows about Taehyung, because he just did the same for him. Because somehow, Jeongguk knows he deserves it.

"Taehyung, you saved me that night," he tries to put it out there, to take away the guilt because Taehyung really did save him, "those guys would've killed me if you hadn't been there."

Taehyung grimaces, and he adverts Jeongguk's eyes, stares down at the gravel between them. There's a rock digging into Jeongguk's ass, and more than one pressing into the underside of his thigh, but it's not really uncomfortable. His chest still heaves with past pain, and that pain is written all over Taehyung's face, so it's hard to focus on the slight discomfort it brings.

When he still doesn't respond, Jeongguk continues on, and moves a bit so their hands brush. Taehyung meets his eyes again, "You know that right? I have a lot to thank you for."

Taehyung's face eases, but he still looks upset. He guesses that's rightful, with the shit that Taehyung goes through. The shit they both go through.

Jeongguk's about to add on, and then out of nowhere Taehyung whispers, "you wouldn't have needed saving if I hadn't put you in that position in the first place-"

"Hey, Taehyung," when Jeongguk speaks, his voice is firm, controlled, and Taehyung's face pales in shock, but not necessarily bad, just surprised, "none of that, okay? Those people put us in that position. We don't suck just 'cause they do."

There was probably a different way to phrase that, a better way, but that way worked just fine, because Taehyung stares back into his eyes and nods. It's as firm as Jeongguk's voice, just as honest, and Jeongguk feels that familiar relief fill his bloodstream again. Almost like it's filling Taehyung's too.

"Yeah. You're right," he seems to give in, breathing out a little laugh at Jeongguk's phrasing, and it's kind of silly, but Jeongguk really likes the way his laugh sounds, "I'm sorry though. You were upset, and now you're the one consoling me-"

"It's okay," Jeongguk soothes, and have they really been holding hands for the past five minutes? They have, contact unwavering and consistent, and Jeongguk feels better than he had with the sun in his face and the honey in his blood, just right here, outside of the shittiest job he's ever worked, that he's finally free from, "We've got similar problems right? People suck, yada yada."

Taehyung smiles, and nudges Jeongguk's shoulder with his own, and then finally drops their hands from where they were intertwined. Jeongguk feels sad at the loss of contact, but then he realizes his palm was slightly sweaty, and it may be for the better to retract it into his own lap. His arms were starting to get cold anyways, so he calmly rubs over the goosebumps.

He's surprised when Taehyung asks, voice careful, "is that why you quit?"

Jeongguk's eyes widen, and he stares at the side of Taehyung's face when he turns his head to look at the stars. There's a few clouds in the sky, not quite reminiscent of when Jeongguk had stared up and thought, glitter, but still pretty, still enough to illuminate the cut of Taehyung's jaw and the curve of his lower teeth while he talks.

"What do you mean?" 

Taehyung nudges him again, and looks over quickly, eyes adverting just as fast when he sees the slight smile fitted on Jeongguk's face, "You know. Because 'people suck'. It's a wonder you didn't quit earlier."

Jeongguk didn't really think of it that way, but he supposes it's one of the most honest things he's ever heard. He takes a moment, to just stare at the side of Taehyung's face in awe, before he finally splutters, "A wonder?"

Taehyung looks at him again, and all of a sudden he feels winded, but he swallows around the air rushing up his throat and keeps the eye contact, "Yeah. You're in a room full of people all day, all of them are thinking all the time. It's bound to get suffocating, annoying-"

"Of course it was," Jeongguk's saying before he thinks, because how did Taehyung know exactly how to describe the feeling, and he remembers how he felt earlier, why he was so sad, "But that's not why I quit. I quit because my boss Namjoon said something slightly dickish. It was like, A-1 at best, really shouldn't have let it get to me but I still-"

"Jeongguk," Taehyung turns fully, and doesn't reach a hand out to touch this time, but it's okay. That was probably slightly too intimate anyways, and he's already doing enough. More than anyone else has ever done for Jeongguk, or at least that's what it feels like.

"You hear him say dickish shit all the time, don't you? He's the one you were talking about, the one who makes you feel uncomfortable?"

Jeongguk nods, but also his mouth drops open, "How did you-"

"I saw the way he looked at you," he puts simply, and Jeongguk looks behind him one more time, sees the clouded window that sits on the upper half of the door, and wonders if Namjoon can see them from here, wonders what he's thinking right now. Could probably listen if he tried hard enough, but he doesn't want to.

"But that's besides the point. If you ask me, that falls under the umbrella of, 'people suck', because that sucks. A lot. So I understand why you quit, even if you don't."

Jeongguk pauses and fiddles with his fingers a bit, thinking about the words, but still, "I don't know. Sometimes it's just like, I do the things I do, and I feel the shit I feel, but I don't really mean it. It's just there. And I can't ignore it, and it controls me."

Taehyung stares at him for a moment after he says it, and even while he stares down at his own hands, he can feel the eyes on his face. When neither of them make a move to say anything, he adds on, "I don't know. I'm sorry, that probably didn't make much sense."

Wind whistles in his ears, and he looks up to catch sight of Taehyung shrugging.

"It doesn't. But that's okay. Most real things don't make sense."

Jeongguk finds himself gawking at the person next to him again, but quickly shuts his mouth, and nods. He thinks about the words, laughs to himself a little while he shifts so the gravel crunches underneath. A new rock digs into his calf, but he doesn't care much.

"God, I sound like a psychologist or some shit," he breathes out a small giggle, tries not to relish too much in the prolonged look from Taehyung it gets him, the upturn of his mouth and the smile of his eyes.

"Or just someone who's been through a lot."

Jeongguk makes something similar to a, "whew,"  noise, because god, they both sound like psychologists or some shit, but he doesn't say that. Just says with the slightest hint of a laugh, "Yeah. That too I guess."

Taehyung exhales, and then they're just looking at each other. Somehow, he feels like he could talk for hours, somehow, he feels a million times lighter than he had when he walked into the restaurant that night. Almost like how he felt when he was drinking Taehyung's blood, and oh fuck, he almost forgot that he drank this person's blood-

"Hey, I really just want to say-"

Thank you.

It dies on his tongue when the bell to the restaurant chimes, and someone steps out.

For a split second his stomach sinks, because he thinks it's Namjoon, and he really doesn't want Namjoon to see him like this after what just happened.

But when he turns around, standing there is none other than Mary. Their shitty hostess.

She gets a few steps out of the door before she really notices, and then Jeongguk turns to look at her, and she freezes in her spot, body going rigid.

Jeongguk doesn't have to wait for it. It comes anyways.

There's Jeongguk and that vampire from the other day, oh god, he never liked me, is he gonna make his pet vampire eat me? 

Jeongguk almost bursts out into laughter at how ridiculous she sounds, but then he winces, because this bitch won't shut up.

Taehyung seems to notice the anguish on his face, his struggle as his ears start ringing and the wind fades out, and Mary keeps going, And the way he quit. If I ever do anything like that I'll personally call up my mom and ask her to shoot-

"Do you wanna get out of here?" Taehyung's whispering in his ear when things fade back in, when he stops staring at Mary with a look on his face that looks like she's boiling water, boiling water that just scalded the tips of his fingers and left him hunched over with the pain.

He hears another string of words, jumbled together, and he nods as fast as his head will move, grateful when Taehyung stands up first, grabs his hand to come with him. 

Mary still stands there, frozen, red hair blazing against the dark wood of the diner, and Jeongguk would think she looks like an idiot if it weren't for the way he's leaning on Taehyung right now, an arm propped up on his shoulder while he tries to focus on walking, focus on anything-

There are times where Jeongguk is bad.

He tries to forget about when it tips further in that direction, when he starts feeling more of one thing than the other. It's usually times like this, when he was finally getting used to the silence and someone barges into it, intrudes. Says something that degrades him, without really saying it.

Simply put, fuck Mary, and thank god for Taehyung.

They're close to Jeongguk's car when he notices his fingers are shaking, and he finally takes his arm off of Taehyung's shoulder. He's about to say something, but then Taehyung looks at him and whispers, so quiet, "Can you drive?"

Now the answer would usually be a resounding yes, because driving is one of Jeongguk's favorite things to do, but when he looks down and catches a glimpse of his fingers, the tremors that run through them, through his entire body, because he'll never get used to it-

He tries to say no, but when his voice fails, he just shakes his head. Taehyung looks at him afterwards for a drawn out second, and somehow he manages to start to ask, "Can you-"

"Do you want me to take you home?"

Jeongguk bites down on his lip and quickly fishes his keys out of his back pocket, places them in Taehyung's hand carefully all while his fingers still shake. They stand there for a moment, just staring at the keys in Taehyung's palm, at the level of trust that must've gone in to putting them there-

And then Taehyung says, "Come on," and they're opening doors, and Jeongguk's going home.

-

i love writing dialogue can i just write a book of all dialogue