i wasn't ready to lose you.

i have to leave soon so i need to make this one quick.
but then again, all of these turn out long and wordy, so it'll be quite the feat if i can.

there are a few things that i can't bring myself to do when it comes to you. i find it difficult to walk with you from fifth to sixth period. we go the same way, we've walked together when we were dating and one time after, too. i'm simply nervous. i also can't look, feel, breathe, think the same. you changed me. there's no doubt that there are pieces of my soul that have altered since you first took cozy in my world. i can't look at my camera roll to the time when we were together. apparently not all the pictures were deleted. same with my instagram saved folders, there are too many wholesome pictures that i wanted to send to you, that i did send to you, left to collect dust in the shelves of my past. frankly, there are very many things that are difficult to me.

there are words that wish to come flooding out of this barricade of my mouth. i realize, looking back, perhaps i should have kept that barricade up. but i know, deep down, that i wouldn't have done anything different. it was and you were worth it.

i don't know how you feel. but i know you're not writing letters to me. i know you're not as deeply hurt as i am. and i guess, i'm not even deeply hurt- but, just learning how to cope and mold this pain into my foundation.

i want things to get "back to normal", but what even is normal, when you think about it? i know that my normal, the normal of us loving each other and calling ourselves different nicknames, that won't come back. i know we won't be as close. but then again, the universe decides everything. whatever happens, happens. i waste too much breath trying to figure out why, searching for indication, scourging my memories to find meaningless/meaningful things that could have assisted me in some way. it's exhausting, yet, it's addictive. my mind doesn't have any off-hours.

even when i'm asleep, the ghost of you in the low glow of moonlight on my darkly illuminated phone rings: sleeping, breathing, coughing.

you're not in my dreams anymore. i haven't dreamt in a while, actually.

and even if i want to be angry, guilt-trip you, ruin you, crush you down into smithereens (because i could), i won't. i know that all this pent up frustration is just a mask for that lonely, abandoned feeling inside of me. searching for something from the past that isn't there in the present won't change anything in the future.

i have to go, now though.

till i revisit you in my thoughts, again.

love,
xxxxx.

8:25 am — 8:38 am
May 22, 2019

•••

am i a coward?

i can't even meet your gaze when you look at me. most of the time.

stolen glances used to be part of our french romance, but now it's just a reminder of the shining heartbreak and ache.

am i intimidated? i don't know. i feel pretty stupid for writing this. i look like a loner but i guess that's my forte.

the you in my mind is different than the you in reality. in the real world, i can talk to you, pretty easily. the awkwardness and tension i feel inside of me slips away, as silently as it arrived. however, in my mind, there are ever so many emotions. the you in my mind is the you that hurt me, that used to love me, the you that lied. and that's the you i'm angry/sad/frustrated/disappointed/etc in.

i'm not hung up on the you in reality anymore. i'm hung up on the you in my mind, the you in my memories that spread golden streaks throughout my marble walls. and then, you choked on your own lies and painted the golden stone and cerulean waves black.

am i jealous?

am i envious of her and how quickly you and her became friends again? yes, the situation is different. you were in a friend group with her so you had to suck it up. she was the one to let you down.

i guess i'm simply annoyed at myself for overthinking / over-analyzing / questioning / being myself. when i say that i hate, or strongly dislike, myself, i'm referring to this. my mind tears itself apart at the seams, contradicting every statement with a rebuttal, there is a never-ending debate going on in my mind and i can't keep up. it feels suffocating sometimes, you know? except, you can't know. you can never know anything in my mind anymore because you don't care.

it's annoying because i know you're not doing this. you're not writing letters; you're not losing yourself in your own skillfully constructed maze of thought. i need to stop caring so much, why do i care so much?

a blessing and a curse, an empathetic and sympathetic heart is.

my heart is bleeding because it knows, deep down through all the pain and emotion, that the worst part of this all is not being able to beat for you anymore.

8:58 am — 11:31 am
May 20, 2019