Verity

My hand breezes across the seat as I take it in. Take everything in. My breath is deep where it should be shallow and I wonder why I am in the mood I am. This should be a big deal. This is a big deal and yet I'm acting like it's any other day. I really do not understand myself, not that I ever have. My mother stares at me for this obscenity and all I can do is question, like I always do.

I question my own sanity almost daily, it's that bad. All I have is this voice in my head always telling me what to do, what to say and how to act. And that's not just my mother.

People often think I'm a bit crazy - I never seem to do things normally. All I do is make a massive fool of myself and wait until everyone gets tired of the joke, think I'm off the hook and then make another. To be honest it's my life that's the joke. My mother's always been ashamed of me - I can see it in her eyes. She wants me to be a perfect daughter that she can boast about like Mrs Robinson does with Henrietta, God Henrietta. All I hear is Henrietta got all 9s in her GCSEs and she won a show jumping competition and she did this and this and this and... Okay you get the message. The annoying thing is that Henrietta herself is the one that boasts the most - the egotistical bitch. She might as well live up her own arse, she cares about herself that much. We're often lumped together and all I hear is her repeating everything my mother's already told me about her. Anyway, the bottom line is that I'm not an egotistical bitch - not because I choose to - it's because I physically can't have a big ego; I'm not good at anything.

And I know, I know that you're rolling your eyes right now because that's what all girls say along with 'I'm not like other girls' but seriously I can't do anything without messing it up. I don't know how I still have friends to be honest, if you would even call them friends.

"Verity?!" My mother looks me dead in the eyes in a way that tells me she'll kill me if I don't do what she wants. So I just sit down and breathe and try not to think about how fucked up this situation is. I don't go to the extreme of giving the smile, but at least I'm trying.

We're in the dining room - which is why I knew it was serious in the first place; my mother only uses the dining room when she's either got guests round or when she wants to 'discuss' important matters. I guess it must have something to do with the cold atmosphere it brings, with the dark hardwood table right in the middle.
"I know this is hard for you, but just hear me out." I nod my head, taking a big gulp of air. Holding my breath has always helped me to concentrate, along with sitting on my hands, both of which I'm doing now.

"Verity, me and Mark," she purposely takes her time to gauge my reaction "Me and Mark are engaged."

I try not to let my face slip or tell her off for incorrect grammar like she does to me every day. It would sound ungrateful if I actually tell her what I think about the situation, so I stay still.

"Look, I know you find it hard because of your father but-"

"I hate Mark. I've got no problem with the fact that you've found someone new"

"And why do you 'hate' Mark?!' She snaps back, upset that her idea of a happy family is again being ruined by me. Sometimes I think she'd be happier if I didn't exist. No, I don't think, I know.

"You know why I hate Mark!" we've been through this countless times. It's our biggest point of contention right now, along with my weekly disasters at school. "He hates me, wants to ship me off to some boarding school somewhere and he's got some hidden agenda that you can't see"

"You're just talking nonsense - he doesn't hate you - he just can't talk to you because you don't let him, and for the hidden agenda, well, what can I say?"

"That I'm right?" I fully accept that I sound like some juvenile paranoid idiot, but too many things don't add up. I knew something was up with him as soon as I met him last year and things haven't changed since then. I guess I get why some people call me crazy.

"Verity you need to stop this right now!" she replies coldly "Me and Mark are getting married and that's that."

"Mark and I" I mutter under my breath as I walk out the house.

X

As I've probably already covered (due to my abundance of narcissism) I don't really have friends. I have people that I enjoy talking to and that's it. I don't have that person that you see the main character in movies having: that person who knows every ounce of you, knows what you like, what you hate, what's going on in your life, your darkest fears. I only have people that see glimpses and small ones at that. Me in certain classes, me playing especially badly at band, me in the cafeteria having lunch, but never just me. I don't expect anyone to understand what's going on in my life because for the most part, I don't myself. It's just a big mess and for me as a whole, well, I don't have a whole. I act how I should at each place I go and, understandably, each place has a different person. I wonder if I ever had a coherent personality in the first place sometimes, especially when I yearn for this person that will never exist. I really need to get used to the idea of being alone for the rest of my high school years at least.

And I know you're rolling your eyes once again at my pathetic excuse for a life, but I don't want to open up. I might as well have the word oxymoron plastered on my face; I want someone to understand me and yet I don't want to tell anybody about myself. I'm just scared that if anyone saw more of my personality, they'd immediately dislike me. Not that they don't already.

I walk past the park where some children almost run into me playing hide and seek. I never had any of this; my dad always said those kinds of games were immature and pointless, and my mum went along with whatever he said. I don't like thinking about my father for many reasons but the main one is that I know he'd be even more disappointed with me than my mother is, not least embarrassed. Sometimes the worst things come into my head about him, especially when I lie in bed at some ridiculous time in the morning and can't get to sleep. Sometimes the tears I cried at the funeral can't replicate and I wonder if he was right about me all of those years ago. Sometimes I know why and sometimes my brain is a foreign object in my body.

I look at the park again, thinking once again about how orange everything is. The trees are beginning to shed their leaves and deposit them on the ground, creating a massive damp mess all over the paths. I don't know where I'm going, I just know that I'm putting one foot in-front of the other and that's all I can do. I realistically don't have anywhere to go and I know that eventually I'm going to have to go back and face her again. It's not the first time I wish that my life could be reassigned so that I could actually enjoy it. Maybe if I wasn't so miserable all the time I could. It's probably all my fault; it always is with these kinds of things.

"Verity?!" I could place that voice anywhere. Trust me to bump into her.

"Henrietta!" I attempt to smile brightly "So sorry! I was deep in thought."

'Evidently.' she states flatly, flicking her hair out of her face. I resist the urge to roll my eyes. Henrietta is one of those girls that you would call conventionally pretty, with smooth dark blond hair and icy blue eyes. The kind of person you immediately think is perfect but still interesting – accessories including wind chimes as earrings and an expensive handmade bag. 'what are you doing out so late?'

'I could ask you the same thing.' I regret the words as soon as they pass my mouth but I can't exactly take them back now can I? 'I'm just on a walk at the moment - I find the town is so festive at this time of year!' My smile is so artificial that it would be no surprise if the batteries ran out.

'Oh yes I know! I'm just on my way to Maisie's party – I thought you would be too?'

I smile politely "Oh no... I'm not – er – I can't tonight." She can see through the lie as much as I can but that's why she asked wasn't it? "Well have fun!"

'Ok thanks – enjoy your – erm – enjoy your walk." She walks off smirking and I want to die again. I quickly pace away and try to retain the tears in my eyes.
Oooh look at me, I'm Henrietta and I'm going to Maisie's party because she's my best friend along with the entire school and what is that Verity? Were you not invited because everyone hates you that much? Can you admit that to my face or are you seriously that pathetic that you're just going to make up some stupid excuse? Oh well don't worry – we'll compensate by having a massive laugh about you at the party.

I laugh humourlessly and slowly descend home. I hope that my mum's just given up on waiting for another argument and has gone to bed.

I almost celebrate when I find that that's the case. The house is silent and I creep into the only lit room, the dining room. My mum's probably just forgotten to turn the lights off again, or not. I notice the big diary on the solid wood table and sigh. In large print, she's written the wedding date in - for New Year's Eve, of course. She probably thinks it's romantic and definitely put it so close just to spite me. I walk up to my bedroom silently and pretend that I'm fine with it because my opinion is too insignificant in my mum's eyes to change anything.

XXX

I wake up to the sound of vans outside. It disorients me at first - usually I don't wake up to anything in particular (only my alarm when I sleep that much) - but I realise it must be the new neighbours moving in. Mr Dimply who used to live there recently passed and yet again I had to produce waterfalls. I liked him - that wasn't the issue - he was a lovely kind man who was the only person who gave me a genuine smile some days, but he was old and frail even before we moved here, and I'd always supposed that it was going to happen.

I'm not expecting anything from the new neighbours - they'll just be replicas of the person my mother is - they always are. That's the thing about living here; everybody's trying to be somebody they're not because they think their bank account demands it. No, the neighbours won't be anything special, I conclude rolling out of bed to another day of hell.

Ok so this is my first writing update in forever so I really need feedback - should I carry on with this?